This Hurts Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 This post is going to be more of a confession to my fellow LSers. Not that I've been trying to hide anything, but since the breakup I've been kind of in a haze and things are finally clearing up. I mentioned before my Bipolar ex emailed me multiple times. I did answer eventually, sorry to let you guys down But I learned something from it and though I'm still hurting as I type this, I feel a lot different (in a way). We emailed a little bit and she told me the usual (she loves me, misses me, wants to see me, etc), and then after a few emails she goes with the f*cking ignoring me again. She is the definition of Bipolar disorder. I can tell she's still manic, f*ck the sh*t I said a few days ago about her coming out of her manic episode into a depressive one. The b*tch tricked me. If anything, they were just depressive moodswings One minute she'll post on her blog about how she needs me more than she's ever needed me before, and then she'll post something about what I believe is another guy she's having a thing with. Anyways, last night I sent the "I can't do this anymore" email, which I doubt she'll reply to. This morning I woke up with that gloomy realization that it's finally over. I just felt sad. Not extremely depressed and suicidal like the first month, but still really, really, genuinely sad. And I feel like I'm never going to be 100% over her and that's what screws with my head and my emotions the most. That I'll be able to move on with most aspects of my life, but somehow and someway, she's still going to be affecting me. I don't want that. I want to be more than 100% over her, I want somebody to bring her up down the road and I want to struggle to remember details about her. Nobody knows how BADLY I want that. Anyways, since the breakup, I've been running away. It's something I honestly didn't know I was doing and sometimes the idea came to mind but I had no clue how to find out if I really was, or even how to fix it. All I focused on was things that brought me pleasure or made me happy (no, not sex that would have made me feel worst). Basically drugs, alcohol, and being around people. What I looked forward to the most was being under the influence of SOMETHING (nothing crazy, no worries), and doing stuff with friends. Those were the only times I didn't feel lonely or sad. A few days ago after smoking weed, I realized my "spark" for it and anything else that had been making me feel good for the past few months was fading. It kind of scared me but at the same time I felt liberated 'cause I knew I was depending on those things. Though right now my moods keep changing from really sad, to really mad, and to really scared... I have this underlying hope that wasn't there before. It feels like now that she's started ignoring me AGAIN, and I saw that post that I think is about someone else, and my attachment to drugs has left, all those things put together have freed me. I feel liberated. And yes, I still hurt, and yes, I'm scared. But I feel free. The best way I can describe this feeling is with this quote: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. I feel like I can finally start TRULY picking myself up and rebuild myself. Now I know what people meant when they said that one day in the midst of their recovery they just had an epiphany, and from that day on their actual recovery begins. Recreation. Only after disaster can we be resurrected. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live. The sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.
Ilovecake Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 That I'll be able to move on with most aspects of my life, but somehow and someway, she's still going to be affecting me. Think of it this way everyone that crosses your path somehow affects your life. Your experiences are who you are but that doesn't mean that you can't live a happy, productive life. I bet your best days are still ahead of you even though you might not see that now. You’ll get over it, you won’t forget her but soon she’ll have less influence on your life than your first grade teacher did. That’s how the brain works.
Author This Hurts Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Think of it this way everyone that crosses your path somehow affects your life. Your experiences are who you are but that doesn't mean that you can't live a happy, productive life. I bet your best days are still ahead of you even though you might not see that now. You’ll get over it, you won’t forget her but soon she’ll have less influence on your life than your first grade teacher did. That’s how the brain works. I really hope so, and I trust you and everybody else who has been reassuring me the same thing. It's probably the reason I haven't been in complete turmoil lately; hope. Her loving someone else, not loving me, forgetting about me, what she's doing, if she's thinking about me, all that stuff that I and a lot of other people worry about would be just a petty concern to me if I knew for a fact that someday those things would be completely insignificant. With time and NC, I'll know. But until then, I'll have to keep relying on my patience, hope, and reassurance and support from others. With that said, thank you for your reassurance and support. It genuinely helps.
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