slowrunner Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Hello. I have a slightly entangled and turbulent issue for which to ask advice. My H and I have been married 3 years and have been together 7 years. We began strongly and passionately, but fell apart somewhere along the way, even before we married. I remember not wanting to marry him, but couldn't find the particular reason. After events during our honeymoon, I returned home to research more thoroughly what exactly was wrong in our relationship, and came to find that he had been verbally/emotionally abusive almost the entire length of our relationship. I just hadn't seen it before. We went through roughly 2 years of MC (broken into two cycles with the same counselor), and got pregnant thanks to that. We now have a 2-yo daughter, and have relocated overseas, but things have been far from happy. We are distant and have no real relationship. Further, we have a new problem. Before relocating, I found some very questionable things on his computer: ads for prostitution and personals which he had been looking at. I was devastated, and no argument from him could change my mind. (He states that he was only 'researching' the issue.) This was the last straw, because he has continued to hurt me deeply, over and over again. I emotionally/mentally/physically checked out of our relationship. Soon thereafter, I unintentionally found someone else who I connected with intensely, and had a brief affair with this person before moving overseas. My husband asked me one day if there was anything I was hiding, and I admitted that I had slept with someone else. He has since thought things through, and has decided to try again with me. He says he loves me, but it is hard to believe this when he has done his best to try to show me (over and over again) that he despises me. Suddenly, he is a changed man, and it is hard to believe or trust. More importantly, I think, is that I still feel that I have 'checked out'. I am trying too (because we are a family), but cannot seem to conjure up the required emotions for him. I find that I don't believe in him as a person, I don't trust him, and I don't desire him. Is there any way to turn this around? Can we fix this thing? I feel as though I want to break from this altogether and start anew--somewhere else and maybe with someone else (in time). But, that wouldn't be fair to my daughter, I feel. How do I find the motivation again? Any ideas or information? I have gone through MC twice and IC once. I feel very tired of talking, and my husband has never really seemed to absorb much anyway (he even once said he doesn't "believe in talking".) Thanks for your help!
gemini78 Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I'm new here so forgive any oversights to protocol that I'm not familiar with. I'll be blunt, if only for the purposes of trying to be of some help. Also, please disregard anything you disagree with. 1. Abuse is unacceptable. I think we can agree on that. How about the fact that it took you 2 years to realize it? Does this indicate that you may not have been emotionally mature enough to know and communicate your boundaries up front. Most mature people would have put an end to that right away, either by speaking out and setting expectations or walking away? 2. Two years of marriage counseling despite the fact that your husband may have stated that he didn't believe in talking is a pretty good indication of his commitment to change and his commitment to your marriage. Of course, you didn't state whether or not he is still verbally abusive to you. Did he stop being abusive after he found out about the affair.? Did he stop being abusive as a result of counseling? If so, why are you still hanging on to that? Could this be a sign of emotional immaturity? If he continues to be abusive, why would you continue to be with him if he refuses to change? 3. Internet prostitution and personals - This is a simple issue. You have every right to be pissed. You weren’t definitive about whether or not he was unfaithful so I can only guess you don't really think anything happened. Otherwise, it would probably be very clear in your post. But why lump it in with everything else? Was he making efforts to change? Were you constantly bringing up the past? This has a tendency to push people away, especially when couples are trying to work through issues. Your job would have been to forgive him of the abuse. Assuming he made changes, did you forgive him? If you didn’t forgive him, you have to ask yourself why. Are you secure enough with yourself to forgive? If not, then why have any expectations of him for anything? You must first be willing to give Everything to a marriage before you expect Anything from it. Otherwise it's simply jumping in blind and hoping for a smooth ride. I know this all may sound harsh but you were unfaithful. I'm not trying to justify his actions at all, but you asked what you can do, so I think it is necessary to focus on you and your actions. Hopefully you've stopped the affair, otherwise you are wasting your time trying to help your marriage. If you've stopped the affair, good for you. It's a sign that you want to fix your marriage on some level. As for still feeling "checked out" perhaps what you are really doing is hiding from the difficult task of forgiving him. You say he is a changed man after finding out about your affair. I can only guess you mean that his changes are for the better (meaning, the way he treats you and interacts with you). If that is what you meant, then it sounds like he is working on forgiving you right? So, here is this man who was/is emotionally immature enough to abuse you verbally, spends 2 years in counseling to fix it and shows you a new side of him self by forgiving you of your affair. It seems to me that he really does love you. Perhaps, even despite the fact that you haven't forgiven him. I think the answer to what you should do may very well be right under your nose. Follow his lead. I bet it will be worth it. You both probably have some growing to do and here is a wonderful opportunity to do it together. I wish you all the best.
Argentina Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I am going to recommend that you look at joining the forum at this site http://www.our-place-online.net. This site is specifically for people affected by domestic abuse and is very supportive. I am not surprised you have "checked out" if he has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. This is a very common reaction and I disagree with Gemini78 in regard to you recognising and dealing with his abusive behaviour in the first 2 years. emotional abuse particularly can be very subtle and there are all sorts of emotions that happen in abusive relationships, denial, regret, guilt, anger, sadness etc. Is he still being abusive?
Author slowrunner Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Hello. Thank you both for writing back. I certainly don't mind bluntness, especially in efforts to be helpful to someone else. My husband has 'stopped' being abusive, but it is a gradual thing. It takes months/years for it to really go away, I think. He tries, I know, but there are still small things that he does, despite repeated discussion regarding his behavior. There are big things that he does too, that continue to come up. They are major things that inappropriate in a marriage, and addressing them usually results in a big and hurtful fight. He has never really adopted the lessons and standards that our therapist gave us, and that has been hurtful. I try to explain it all, over and over again, but he doesn't get it. I have tried to do things by the book, and my way as well, but have run out of options. He feels like he hurt me one too many times for me to want to try anymore. I tried and tried and tried, and forgave and forgave and forgave. Then, I turned my back finally. He was out of the country when I had my affair, and fully intended to end my marriage (though not for the other man) when my husband returned. But, I didn't end up ending it, for various reasons. What Gemini says makes sense: he has been trying, and has forgiven me my transgression, so I should follow his lead here. And, what Argentina says makes sense as well: checking out is a normal reaction in the verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. I also know that the average time for a spouse/partner to recognize verbal/emotional abuse is 17 years, so I was early on that. I will check out our-place-online.net and will try to find a way to try again. It's what I do! Thank you both, again. I sincerely appreciate your input, and time! Xenia
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