Perseus82 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Today is 1 day shy of being a month since it's been over. I met this guy in summer of 2008. At the time I was dating someone, so he and I were strictly platonic. His personality and chivalry always made me wonder what "we" would be like, none the less, I was dating someone and never acted on anything I was feeling. A year rolled by, he and I talked, texted and saw each other occasionally to chat. My relationship came to an end August 2009. My friend guy and I began to see each other often, still platonic. After a couple of months of this, we kissed and eventually had sex. Before the sex part though, I'd explained to him I was just coming out of a relationship and didn't really want/need to get into another one. He'd asked me about giving him a chance. Anyhoo, we went on like this for a few months, still friends but now with the benefits package. He would always tell me he wanted me to open up to him, he wouldn't hurt me, he was falling in love with me, blah blah blah. After a few months of this, my heart caved and I just began to let go of any inhibitions. It seemed to be pure bliss. He always respected me, handled me with care and gentle. We shared kisses that still in my mind seem so unreal because of the chemistry. I'd never felt this, he held me with such passion, I thought he was the one. A few months after I fell head over heels, something began to nag me, that woman intuition I guess. So, as I do best, I got on the net and started "researching" him, something I should've done in the beginning. I FOUND OUT HE WAS MARRIED. Though obviously separated, hence his freedom with me. I found this out in Feb 2010. I sat on this information for a week or two, not knowing how to confront him with this. So one night I invite him out to dinner. I was polite, I let him finish his meal, the entire time seeming my normal self. After that last bite, I asked, "Are you married?" His response, "baby how could I be married and we're always together." Starting to get upset, I said, "I didn't get an answer to my question", he said, "no I'm not married." Well because I thoroughly checked him out, I knew her name, so I asked him, "well who is _ _ _ "(her name of course). Complete and udder shock is what he was in. He then said, that's my ex-wife. So we did the going back and forth for the next 20 or 30 minutes. I didn't know if they were divorced or not and at this point, couldn't really trust anything from his mouth. Long story short, he continued to say they were divorced and he never told me because it was a part of his part he wanted to put behind him. I slept on it, well get drunk and passed out rather, and decided to have another serious conversation with him the night following that one. I told him I needed proof that he was divorced, I wanted to see the papers. He said, no problem, anything I need to do to regain your trust. Mind you, this is the end of February. So a week rolls by, guess what I don't get....THE PAPERS of course. So I let another week roll by and guess what....NO PAPERS, so by now I'm pissed and feeling really stupid. I politely revisited this issue with him and his response, "baby I'm sorry, I keep all my important papers and things at my mother’s (how convenient, that's a 2 or 3 hours driver)." So I let another week pass and I call the chancery court to check to see if they're divorced, big shocker, THEY WERE NOT. So on the 4th week, I ended it, this was the end of March. I hurt, I cried, I was physically ill over the next several weeks. I'd never felt pain like this, or so I thought. Well as relationships often go,,,I like an idiot gave him another chance. He seemed to have opened up and told me the intimate details of their separation and the supposed glitch with the divorce. She wanted the house, couldn't afford it, blah blah blah. So I'm stuck with him, continually trying to be patient and understanding but all the while feeling really guilty and bad about compromising my morals and values to be with someone that couldn't be honest from day 1. June rolled around and I just couldn't take it. He told me she'd been stopping by the house and rummaging through his things being nosy and he wanted me to know. This made me very uncomfortable; the last thing I wanted was for her to even know I exist. For the final time, I told him we needed to not see each other until his divorce was finalized. I didn't want to become any further than I was. I agreed to us continuing to text and talk on the phone but that was it. This was mid June. A week or so later, I began to get that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, woman intuition AGAIN. We talked and he would continuously try to see me, but I stuck to my guns. I talked to him about the nagging feeling and my sleepless nights and asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, he said NO. I continuously suggested we just break all ties, phone calls and texts, if he felt he couldn't go a while without us being together, he wanted to continue. Well, I couldn't just let this nagging feeling go. So, I was now to devise a plan. This next part gets really childish I know, but we're pushed to limits sometimes. I setup a fake profile on a social networking site I knew he frequented. I sent him a message and a day or so later, we were chatting. He didn't have anything sexual to say to me, which he thought was another woman, but he didn't offer his phone number and told her he'd love to hear her voice, lied about being married and said he was ready to move out of state and there was nothing holding him here but his family. Now, I'm not a jealous person by any means and I frequent a couple social networking sites from time to time. But when you continue to lie about being married, you're looking for something. Not to mention giving another woman (or so he thought) your phone number and telling her you'd love to hear her voice. C'mom! My heart began to break into millions of pieces. After this, I planned to continue with the chatting/e-mailing to see how far it would go but couldn't put myself through the pain and agony. A week or so after going back and forth e-mailing with him as someone else, the real me couldn't handle it. So I confronted via phone and told him what I did. I told him I didn't want to have anything else to do with him. I gave him every out and opportunity to totally end it but NO, he was in love with me, wanted to marry me, move away with me,,,blah blah blah. What I can't grasp is why play with my emotions, why couldn't he have just left us as friend with benefits. I was okay with that, never ended to have anything more. But to continually emotionally screw with my head the way he did, I'll never understand. Being with him made me realize I had never truly been in love before and now that I am...my heart is silent. Some days I'm numb but most others my heart aches to the very core of my soul... [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Never have I felt pain of this magnitude. Where there was once joy, butterflies and absolute solitude, now dwells pain, darkness and a sense of emptiness. But why did it have to come to this?
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