Mombot Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 As the OW, once in awhile he's with his family a few times a year. He'll tell me he won't call me until after everyone's gone. This is one aspect I don't like and want to stop. How difficult is it to phone and say, really busy, I'm fine?
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 As the OW, once in awhile he's with his family a few times a year. He'll tell me he won't call me until after everyone's gone. This is one aspect I don't like and want to stop. How difficult is it to phone and say, really busy, I'm fine? You get what you get. While you may not like it, I am sure there are aspects that he nor his wife like either. Isn't that the nature of the beast?
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Why would you want to call him when he's with his family? In his own way he's told you that he wants to spend time with his family and not talk to you. I bet it hurts, but he still is married so if you choose to stay with him, you can't put demands and expectations on him. He doesn't need to run stuff by you or ask permission to spend time with them.
lolalove Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 As the OW, once in awhile he's with his family a few times a year. He'll tell me he won't call me until after everyone's gone. This is one aspect I don't like and want to stop. How difficult is it to phone and say, really busy, I'm fine? Seriously?"I'm fine?" Who? Him? What if he's not fine. Are you going to rush over there and help him? Family time is normally separate from OW time.
BB07 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I'm confused mombot.........are you dating a separated man or a MM? Which is it? You said he was separated, but now you are talking like you know he is married.......which is it?
Author Mombot Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 His daughter (the one that's not really his) and her girls will be there for several days. He said he believes he will have the most problem with her accepting he can have a life too.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 His daughter (the one that's not really his) and her girls will be there for several days. He said he believes he will have the most problem with her accepting he can have a life too. So why are you so jealous that he needs to check in with you when he's spending time with his kids? Blood or not, they are his children. Atleast she thinks of him as a father. I don't see how this has to do with you?
Author Mombot Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I guess I'm just one of those people who say hi, how's it going to family and friends every day.
White Flower Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 As the OW, once in awhile he's with his family a few times a year. He'll tell me he won't call me until after everyone's gone. This is one aspect I don't like and want to stop. How difficult is it to phone and say, really busy, I'm fine? You have every right to renegotiate the terms in ANY R you are in at any time. Where there is a will, there is a way. However, I am very susupicious of your man. First he was divorced, and now just separated? What is next? You need to do some digging on this guy before and during your renegotion process. If you're not happy with the terms...change the terms! I'm sure you meant to ask your Qs to OW and I didn't see any on here so I jumped in. I hope to see more hop aboard.
sarkandlauren Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 As the OW, once in awhile he's with his family a few times a year. He'll tell me he won't call me until after everyone's gone. This is one aspect I don't like and want to stop. How difficult is it to phone and say, really busy, I'm fine? I'm saying this because someone else had told me this and while it hurts, it's the truth. It is NOT difficult to phone/text and tell you he's fine but busy, but he choose not to do it and cut you out during his family time. It hurts, doesn't it?
2sunny Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I guess I'm just one of those people who say hi, how's it going to family and friends every day. not everyone does it this way. he is stating clearly that he's not going to - especially while they are with him. who knows - it MAY not be the visitor he says is coming into town. he may need to be sure you're not interrupting his private time with someone else he's seeing. have you checked to see if he's dating someone besides you? has he said he's supposed to be exclusive with you? it doesn't seem like an attitude of an exclusive man - it seems like the attitude of a sneaky, secretive man.
White Flower Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 not everyone does it this way. he is stating clearly that he's not going to - especially while they are with him. who knows - it MAY not be the visitor he says is coming into town. he may need to be sure you're not interrupting his private time with someone else he's seeing. have you checked to see if he's dating someone besides you? has he said he's supposed to be exclusive with you? it doesn't seem like an attitude of an exclusive man - it seems like the attitude of a sneaky, secretive man. I wholeheartedly agree with this and suggest you start checking. I once had to open my eyes and when I did, bang!, right between them.
Trimmer Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 It is NOT difficult to phone/text and tell you he's fine but busy, but he choose not to do it and cut you out during his family time. Simple truth. Without judging you or him, I would say that more than anything he says, what he does here is a direct and honest indicator of his priorities.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Simple truth. Without judging you or him, I would say that more than anything he says, what he does here is a direct and honest indicator of his priorities. that's right, he's perfectly clear that you need to expect nothing from him while he's busy with "family" start checking. i bet it's not the family he says it is...
Hazyhead Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I'm saying this because someone else had told me this and while it hurts, it's the truth. It is NOT difficult to phone/text and tell you he's fine but busy, but he choose not to do it and cut you out during his family time. It hurts, doesn't it? Agreed. He's chosen not to call you. Renegotiate the terms if you like but you'll have a man doing something he doesn't want to do. Furthermore, you may have a man who feels that you're, at best, impeding his family time -it might just seem a little resentful. Will these help you in the long run?
pureinheart Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I guess I'm just one of those people who say hi, how's it going to family and friends every day. MB, that used to make me so mad...while exDM was going through his D he would have his grown kids and grand kids sometimes not contacting me at all until they left...his normal contact concerning me was about 5-6 calls per day...sometimes more, sometimes less depending on what he had to do that day. I felt it was very messed up as he knew my kids, my sitch...am not sure if he was embarrassed of them or what...
pureinheart Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 that's right, he's perfectly clear that you need to expect nothing from him while he's busy with "family" start checking. i bet it's not the family he says it is... Both points are valid, and both are uncool...he really could be with his family , although MB, you are the one he is supposed to be spending the rest of his life with in one form or another...so why can't he call you. Excellent insight 2S...wow
jj33 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Mombot you have gotten very good advice. But its a broader issue. You have started several threads in the past week or so asking about what things mean, what it says for your future, should you believe future talk, should you speak to his spouse, he is just a side dish... now he should call you while he is with his family. You are obviously in pain and in conflict about this and thats not a good place to be. You say you can handle this but can you? Maybe you want to put this relationship on hold until he has himself sorted out and can make YOU the priority. When you know that he really is divorcing and is not just separated. Actions speak louder than words and it seems his actions arent giving you a warm fuzzy feeling. Listen to your gut.
delirious Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I have experienced this too and it hurts for sure. I think it is just that he is not wanting to have to explain who he is calling to his family:bunny: and they may ask lots of questions. I know that my children ask lots of questions to things that are not their business, so if I have to call someone, no matter who, I do it when they are not there. I hate making calls in front of them. So it is just that he does not enjoy talking to you when they are there. Don't listen to people who say he has someone else. Some men are not good with calling at all.
jwi71 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I'm divorced. I have two kids, both under 7. I have a new GF. She can call me ANYTIME she damn well pleases...even if I have the kids. A 10 minute phone call is no problem what-so-ever. I can't imagine how that would be for him. Oh yes I can. He's lying to you.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I'm divorced. I have two kids, both under 7. I have a new GF. She can call me ANYTIME she damn well pleases...even if I have the kids. A 10 minute phone call is no problem what-so-ever. I can't imagine how that would be for him. Oh yes I can. He's lying to you. this is it. when there's nothing to hide - you hide nothing. soooo, what is he hiding? i'm divorced. my kids are happy when i correspond with the person i'm dating. they know it makes me happy - so they are happy. something with this guy isn't right. maybe he's not a free man? not free enough to even make a phone call when family is around? something is REALLY fishy and it stinks. i'd break up with him. mainly because if i was placed in a position of being his "secret" - you may as well be the OW. that's how he's treating you whn he says what he has said. i'm NOT willing to be a convenience to him - disappearing every time i'm the "inconvenience" - i'd show him by disappearing that i'm NOT ok with his request. he should be more than willing to be proud of you and the relationship - making you a priority. he disrespecting you from the start.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 You have every right to renegotiate the terms in ANY R you are in at any time. Where there is a will, there is a way. However, I am very susupicious of your man. First he was divorced, and now just separated? What is next? You need to do some digging on this guy before and during your renegotion process. If you're not happy with the terms...change the terms! I'm sure you meant to ask your Qs to OW and I didn't see any on here so I jumped in. I hope to see more hop aboard. This is one smart woman - with experience, too. I'd listen to this and the others very carefully. I also think JWI made a very good point. His GF can call *any* time. I have read all your threads and posted on most of them. IMHO, I think you are having problems sorting this out and deciding what you want. I really think IC would be a good place for you to start.
Owl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 this is it. when there's nothing to hide - you hide nothing. soooo, what is he hiding? something is REALLY fishy and it stinks. he should be more than willing to be proud of you and the relationship - making you a priority. he disrespecting you from the start. Why are you his hidden secret? Why does he have to hide you from the rest of his life? THis makes no sense if he's seperated pending divorce. I'd suspect that he's not really seperated pending divorce. I'd bet money that his wife/family is under the impression this is some temporary situation (like he's living away from them for work, or it's just time for him to "sort things out")...not that he's actually actively seeing someone else (you). Why are you the secret he has to keep hidden...and are you really willing to live that way indefinitely?
torranceshipman Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) I guess I'm just one of those people who say hi, how's it going to family and friends every day. I'm sorry to say this, but you are neither a friend, or family. You are his mistress and he has made it abundantly clear that he will make time for you on his terms, when he has done everything he needs to do for his family first. Edited to add: he is seeing someone else. The details of your post scream out that he is. Either a W, or another OW/girlfriend. I can guarantee it. Edited July 23, 2010 by torranceshipman
lolalove Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Actions speak louder than words and it seems his actions arent giving you a warm fuzzy feeling. Listen to your gut. Brilliant!!!
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