Should you tell your partner if you've cheated in the past?

[pringlej]

I think if you've REALLY changed, then it doesn't really matter what you've done in the past.

 

However, if he does ask you directly, you should be honest.

 

Just because you've cheated on someone before, it doesn't mean that you would do it again and just because someone's never cheated before, doesn't mean that they wont cheat. So it shouldn't give the partner any further assurances.

 

End of the day, if you love someone, you would never do anything to hurt them. If you do, then you obviously dont, and should just be honest with them before breaking up.

[Kinder-Horror]

OP,

Why do you want to tell Jesse about your past history of infidelity?

 

It isn't that I necessarily want to tell him - I just brought it up in here because I wondered what people thought of disclosing your past.

 

There's parts of me that want to tell him - in the interest of just being totally open with one another- and as I have said, I would tell him if he asked. Maybe he doesn't even want to know if I have or haven't.

 

I'm not sure I would want to know if he had... it might make me paranoid for no reason.

 

The dreams about cheating were a bigger concern to me. But what you describe doesn't seem to be dreams about cheating -- they are just dreams about other men. I dream about other women all the time -- actresses, co-workers, my girlfriend's hot friends, my friends' wives. If I was supposed to feel guilty about that, I suppose I should have hung myself years ago. I think having sexual dreams about other people is healthy and normal -- and definitely should NEVER be described to your SO!!!

 

I'm not going into major depth about my dreams because I don't really believe in dream analysis. So I guess I havent been clear.

 

These aren't dreams or sexual fantasies about anyone. These are high anxiety nightmares.

 

I don't feel guilty about having sexual dreams about another person, because even while dreaming, I do not want to be engaging in anything with the other man/woman. It isn't always rape - sometimes it is just kissing... either way - it isn't about the actual act happening, it is that while it is happening, I am panicking about it and thinking about Jesse and worrying about ruining my relationship with him. Even after someone forcing sex on me, I am not concerned about it - I am concerned my relationship with Jesse has been tainted/compromised and he will leave me...

 

I only brought up the dreams in the first place, because I feel my subconscious is still punishing me for being unfaithful - and I am wondering if it is possible that telling Jesse about my mistakes in the past might help me get over this regret I feel. Maybe they aren't linked at all. (I'm not even sure what I am rambling about anymore)

[Dexter Morgan]

even though being a cheater is something that a SO might want to know, there is no reason to bring it up if it was with someone else....unless your SO asks if you have ever cheated on anyone.

 

because during the dating ritual, its about finding out all you can about someone else...if you are compatible. You don't have to readily provide someone info you don't want to disclose, but if asked, if you lie, you are robbing that person of ascertaining whether you are a good match for him.

 

so no, don't tell, unless specifically asked.

[robdrm32]

If you don't tell him and he find out in 2 years by asking you that could end very badly.

 

Personally (if I was jesse) i think i'd be pissed at first but then i'd realize why you told me, because it's a part of who you are and you want to be open with me.

 

From your post I think you have probably changed for the better, but your past is a part of you, it's what made you who you are today.

 

I don't think you'll be bad person by not telling him, and you may live your life w/o it ever being an issue. But, if you don't it will always be in the back of your mind and if he happens to ask down the road, his reaction might be alot worse then if you told him now.

[TaraMaiden]

I've been in a serious relationship with a guy named Jesse for about 1.5 years. I know he is the one and he has expressed the same feelings to me.

 

....Is this the same guy you find it almost impossible to have sex with, because he's always acting like a farting jumpy little 7-year-old....?

 

(. . .)

 

I am not scared I will cheat on him. I know I won't cheat on him.

Even though you know that deeply intimate, wonderfully passionate full-on sex is unlikely because he's always romping around in his trainer pants boxers?

 

So what gives with the dreams? Is my subconscious telling me I need to clear my conscience with Jesse (even though my infidelity doesn't pertain to our relationship at all)?

Boy, you sure do have it complicated.....

 

Or is it just karma?

 

Damn! She used the 'K' word!!

Everybody, hold me back before I feel the need to blow a gasket!!

[Kinder-Horror]

....Is this the same guy you find it almost impossible to have sex with, because he's always acting like a farting jumpy little 7-year-old....?

 

(. . .)

 

 

Even though you know that deeply intimate, wonderfully passionate full-on sex is unlikely because he's always romping around in his trainer pants boxers?

 

 

Boy, you sure do have it complicated.....

 

 

 

Damn! She used the 'K' word!!

Everybody, hold me back before I feel the need to blow a gasket!!

 

Yes it's the same guy...

Thanks for your very helpful input.

 

We may have physical problems as of recently, but as I said in that thread as well, yes - he is still the one for me.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry - but that is sooo not what you implied in your other thread.

 

This is why this sounds nuts to me.

 

Because if you cannot be 100% content with regard to all aspects of your relationship - and for many, a healthy, fulfilling, productive and satisfying sexual relationship is pretty much up there as a vital proviso - then I'm puzzled as to why you are feeling this way, when you insisted in the other thread that this guy is just not pressing all the right buttons for you.

 

I think you need to shift your focus from your unnecessary and quite frankly irrelevant concern here, and focus instead on you, him, and now. This is what counts above all else:

 

NOW.

 

The past is where it is.

In the past.

 

It really is completely non-constructive and inhibiting to permit it to hold you back, and stop you making progress in areas, where potentially, more urgent attention is required.

 

IMO.

[Kinder-Horror]

I'm sorry - but that is sooo not what you implied in your other thread.

 

 

I'm sorry if you misunderstood my other thread, but here was the first part of it, word for word:

 

"I've been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half how.

First thing's first: I adore him. This isn't my first serious relationship by a long shot - but I know he is the one.

 

However, no relationship is without it's hurdles. To me, ours currently is sex. "

 

My other thread was about a different topic - which is sex with him. I could go a looooooooooooong time without sex at all before considering sex with someone else.

 

I've pretty much decided to let this go for now - if something comes up where I can segue into talking about my past, I might. If he asks, I will tell. Otherwise, I am going to leave it for now. Thanks for your input though, it seems to be consistent with most of the people here

Edited July 23, 2010 by Kinder-Horror

[TaraMaiden]

OK.

I just happen to think you have your priorities wrong.

I'm just putting forward an opinion.

Even knowing somebody "is the one" no matter how much "the one" they are, incompatible sex drives are a deal-breaker.

This notion of what you did in the past, is truly far less important and relevant to your present and future stability than ensuring you're on the same page, carnally.

I just feel that unless you address the presence of this sexual disparity between you, in time it will become a much bigger "elephant in the room". The current thread topic will fade into complete insignificance, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about, when you're just dying to have your clothes ripped off by him.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, first of all, I'm not trying to point-score here, I promise.

but if we read the first post in the other thread in its entirety -

 

I've been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half how.

First thing's first: I adore him. This isn't my first serious relationship by a long shot - but I know he is the one.

 

However, no relationship is without it's hurdles. To me, ours currently is sex.

 

I enjoy sex with him... when we have it. Which isn't terribly often anymore. What used to be 5-6 times a week, is now 1, MAYBE 2 times a week. (Not because he's cheating) And I think it is my fault.

 

I want to have sex. I think about sex with him all day, everyday. I think about initiating when he gets home. But then he gets home - and I find I don't want it any longer.

 

I think my reasoning behind it is because sometimes, I want to be romantic and sexy (and sometimes playful). I don't mean rose petals and jazz or anything... but just sexy, grab me and kiss me and take off my clothes and have sex! Not do childlike things (and i mean that somewhat literally, as he constantly does this thing where he acts like a 4 year old/animation hybrid, squeeling and making strange facial expressions) and/or make farting sounds with his mouth while he dances around in his boxers.

 

And while he has a great personality and makes me laugh constantly in normal situations, I don't necessarily want sex to be a venue for joking around ALL THE TIME. Playfulness is okay of course, but sometimes I want physical lusty sex! (and lately... that is all I want, because I can't remember when I have had it) His joking around is 24/7 is turning me off, and so even with entertaining the idea of sex all day, the second he walks in the door, sex becomes a non-option in my head.

 

It has crossed my mind to just suck it up and DO IT. But he isn't really initiating anyway, so it's hard for me to initiate when he is poking my butt and making farting sounds, etc (and I am sure all the boys reading this are laughing. It's not funny!) lol.

 

I guess I just don't know what to do. I could just tell him - but I am worried he is going to take it personally and not be himself anymore. Also, it the past, I have told him what turns me off physically, and he does those things anyway - so I am also thinking it could go the other way and he just wont listen at all. Or I could just get over it. But I feel like it isn't all that fair to me.

 

 

 

and then consider what you say here....

 

 

My other thread was about a different topic - which is sex with him. I could go a looooooooooooong time without sex at all before considering sex with someone else.

 

I went 15 years without sex before I had it with someone else.

so I can equate.....

But it still eventually happened....

 

My point is, that if he is the one, and you feel this way now.... trust me.

Please, on this one, do trust me:

This issue will drive you apart.

 

Address it.

Everything else really is a non-starter.

Get this right - and your other preoccupation will fade into insignificance.

[Kinder-Horror]

I guess I still dont understand what they have to do with one another. And when you say "address it," I'm not exactly which topic you are talking about because you've brought two separate issues into one thread.

 

I still love him. He is still the one. My sexual frustration will never equate to cheating... We will get through it. I wasn't concerned about that. I was inquiring how best to handle it.

 

And the same with telling him about my PAST relationships that had nothing to do with him.

 

All the questions I asked in my previous thread were legit questions for me - but it's never been a question if I should stay with him. It's been a question of "what would you do"?

[Hop_prophet]

FWIW, my gf told me early and it caused a lot of trust issues in our relationship. But she did it more than once. I still can't discount the possibility that she may do it again and it makes me really anxious and insecure sometimes. That is the consequence of telling him. He will probably take it hard especially since he has been cheated on before.

 

If there is any chance he will find out (through your EX or a friend) then I would tell him otherwise it could cause major problems. Also if you can directly reassure him with very SPECIFIC reasons why it would never happen again then it might make him feel better. Otherwise Its probably best to just keep it in the past unless he asks you directly.

[jnj express]

Are you having predominately the same dream, or are they on the same subject matter??

 

IMHO I think there is something in your subconscious that is bothering you, and may need fixing You should go to an IC, and confront whatever is bothering you----In the course of your counseling sessions, you may get your answer as to how to deal with telling or not telling your past

 

W/out the dreams---I would say if you have learned your lesson, then your past is your past, and even if you were to tell jess----it should not make a difference---He should take you as you are from the day HE MET YOU.

 

If he has problems beyond that, then maybe you both are not meant to be.

[LSNoob]

Errr... when he informed you he was cheated on before by 2 ex-gfs (or the fact that you know he was cheated on) that should be enough to tell him about what you are capable off. He needs to know he is dating someone with a heart not just half toxic but the other half is cold. How can you cheat on someone, walk away with no closure. Keep him wondering who banged you and who didn't. Keep him suffering, while you go eat, sleep, laugh, meet new people, meet "the one" and enjoy life? How can you do that? You are a sadistic person. You are capable of getting pleasure at the expense of someone's pain. Sick .

 

I already know what I did was wrong.

You just make your self look stupid. If you know it was wrong, why did you do it?

 

I'm going to be blunt with facts, not because I'm insensitive

So do you really consider your self a sensitive person?? :lmao:

 

but I didn't even have the guts to tell him.

Cheaters are cowards. That's normal.

 

I just broke up with him, left him hurting and begging

That's really sick and disturbing. You disgust me.

 

but I still regret to this day what I did and how I hurt him.

Lol, you don't have to lie. You don't regret it. You did it because you wanted to do it. So you feel good and get orgasm and pleasure from sex or what ever you did. You just did it without caring because your relationship was bad, and you are obviously not the relationship type girl so you just went out and bent over for some random.

 

However... I never told Jesse about my past indiscretions and kind of had no plan to.

You are lying to your bf. You are not telling him who you are. He needs to know who he is dealing with. And what you are capable of doing.

 

This is because I feel like it is in the past

It is in YOUR past. Why is it in court the judges always look at your history and records? Because past actions proves who the person really is and what they he/she is capable off.

 

with a totally different person in a completely different (and horrible) relationship.

Don't blame your ex bf for cheating and don't blame your relationship for cheating. You could have just walked away and ended the relationship if it was really that bad. And besides, your xbf was in the same "horrible" relationship, how come he didn't cheat? The problem is YOU, so tell your current bf who you really are.

 

I also worried about telling him because I knew that he had two past gfs cheat on him

So obviously he isn't looking to date your kind any more? And you are keeping this away from him just so you can stay in the relationship with him? Even tho he doesn't want to be with people like you. Your bf needs to know your true colors and what you are capable off, then he, himself will decide if he wants to trust a cheating gf, NOT YOU. You don't make decisions for him, he should make decisions for himself. Respect you bf and give him the power that he should have, it's his decision, not yours. You made your decisions for yourself, now let him make his decisions on his own. Don't be so selfish, you haven't changed that much, haven't ya?

 

I didn't want him worrying about me because of my past.

How can he not worry????? Of course he should worry, its his life, he is dating a girl that is capable of cheating on her bf and walk out with such coldness. For a girl, you are so mean and hurtful.

 

 

I had a bf tell me he cheated on a gf before me and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I don't blame yea. It's almost impossible to trust a person that have cheated in their past.

 

I didn't want Jesse worrying about me in that way.

Should have thought about this one when that random was hitting it from the back. If you really were worried about what your future partners think of you, you wouldn't have cheated then. So I take it that you are lying and just trying to project a "good girl" image on yourself, when you are obviously not one.

 

It feels like the wrong way to begin a relationship.

Don't fool yourself in what you want to believe. The only wrong way to start a relationship is by lying and being dishonest. And you are being dishonest and lying to your bf.

 

The thing is - does he deserve to know? It has been a year and a half since we started dating - why should I tell him now?

Think about it like this, for example ( with all respect and not trying to be rude ): if you had someone close to you, with his/her family, slaughtered by mobsters. Then you meet a man when you grow up, he is a big boss in one of the mobs, will you want him to tell you who he really is, or lie to you and keep you in a relationship that you might not want to be involved in. Remember your bf shouldn't bring a list of all the bad things and question you, you should open up and tell him who you really are. Put everything on the table, don't hide anything.

 

I am not scared I will cheat on him. I know I won't cheat on him.

I'm sure you would have said the same thing if you were asked "you scared that one day you will cheat on your bf", when you were dating your ex.

 

I guess I am questioning WHY that is intimacy.

Because love is about being completely honest and open with your SO. It's about letting them see through you. Love is about sharing, it's about sharing the positives and the negatives. Nothing to hide. Love is about giving in, it's about you two get to watch each others back and tackle life's obstacles together as one.

 

When you keep such important and vital information about your past hidden from your SO just so you can get it to go swing your favor, it kinda kills the intimacy. The relationship becomes like one sided. Always about you, you control everything. Not trying to work in hand-in-hand with your SO, but you kinda trying to fight over to take control.

 

And also why that is who I really am.

Because it's in your history. Take responsibility of your actions.

 

What about the other relationships I have been in that I haven't cheated. Or that weren't horrible? Why isn't that who I really am?

It wasn't the relationship's fault, it was all you. Again, please learn to be a responsible person, if you are not then stay away from relationships.

 

Why is one mistake I have made in the past that I regret deeply... why is that who I really am

What are you talking about? Cheating is not a mistake.

 

There are a lot more things than just a black mark in one relationship that make up who someone really is

Stop talking about the relationships, just tell your bf what you are capable of doing.

 

Also - why is telling him being intimate?

Because you are being honest and open with him so he can trust you. No trust and no honesty it will lead to eating up away from the intimacy of the relationship.

 

but there's a lot i do not know about his past relationships, because frankly, I don't really care to know about past girlfriends.

No, more like you just don't want to ask him about past relationships, because you don't want him to ask you about yours after.

 

I am just asking if there is any reason to bring it up without his inquiring

Again, he shouldn't be looking at a list full of all the bad things and questioning you what you done or not. He is expecting you to be honest and open with him and keep nothing important hidden away from him. Remember it is not "past relationships" it is something to do with your past. It is part of you.

 

 

I don't think that makes our relationship less serious.

Your relationship is pathetic and one sided ahahahah. :laugh: It is controlled by you for your own comfort and advantage.

 

And around that time, I randomly met Jesse. I wasn't looking for him, or a relationship, but it happened and I didn't want to let him get away.

 

Let me explain to you what is happening. You haven't changed at all. You are very selfish, greedy and self centered. All you think is about yourself.

 

After you cheated you needed to take a break. Fix all the problems in you, not just bury them away and keep fooling your self you are a "good" person and all that c**p.

 

Then you came across Jesse at the wrong time, at the time when you should be fixing yourself. Again your selfish side kicked in and you took the opportunity and you just jumped in with Jesse. You didn't even have the heart to at least give the closure your exbf, the closure that he begged for. Instead you just went on with Jesse to enjoy your life. You found out that Jesse doesn't like to date your kind, you still lied to Jesse just so you can continue the relationship with him.

 

Please do the right thing and tell Jesse who you are. He dated 2 cheaters before, and for the love of god, what makes you think he wants to date a 3rd one? Just tell him the truth and see what happens, if he doesn't want to stay with you then maybe that's because he doesn't deserve a 3rd cheater in his life. Just be honest and don't worry, maybe one day you will meet a cheater who is also trying to "change" and you both will be able to trust each other.

 

So please be honest with your bf and tell him. Just from the way you want to keep secrets away from your bf, is a big sign that you haven't changed and still selfish. And an advice for the future. Next time in the early stages of dating, please if your date doesn't ask about past relationship. Just open it up and ask him about his past, then tell him about yours. Let it all out open on the table so he will decide if he wants to continue with you or not. It's much easier to break it off at the early stages, and will be much better for you in the long run. Best of luck.

Edited August 6, 2010 by LSNoob