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Should you tell your partner if you've cheated in the past?

Kinder-Horror

By Kinder-Horror
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Kinder-Horror Established Member

Kinder-Horror

Posted
Posted

Let me preface this with the fact that I am just looking for advice. I really don't want to be lectured. I already know what I did was wrong. I'm going to be blunt with facts, not because I'm insensitive - but because I want to lay it all out there as clutter-free as possible.

 

I've been in a serious relationship with a guy named Jesse for about 1.5 years. I know he is the one and he has expressed the same feelings to me.

 

I've been in a few serious relationships before him, but the most recent one before Jesse was with Vince, which didn't end well.

 

I had cheated on Vince. And not only did I cheat on him, but I didn't even have the guts to tell him. I just broke up with him, left him hurting and begging to get back together. But I just kept refusing and walked away.

 

Vince eventually found out months after we broke up that I had cheated on him - which just started the hurting/healing process all over again. And around that time, I randomly met Jesse. I wasn't looking for him, or a relationship, but it happened and I didn't want to let him get away.

 

I think Vince finding out 1) that I cheated and 2) that I was seeing someone new... actually helped him break away a little faster... but I still regret to this day what I did and how I hurt him.

 

However... I never told Jesse about my past indiscretions and kind of had no plan to. This is because I feel like it is in the past, with a totally different person in a completely different (and horrible) relationship.

 

I also worried about telling him because I knew that he had two past gfs cheat on him - I didn't want him worrying about me because of my past. I had a bf tell me he cheated on a gf before me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I didn't want Jesse worrying about me in that way. It feels like the wrong way to begin a relationship.

 

The thing is - does he deserve to know? It has been a year and a half since we started dating - why should I tell him now?

 

Here's why I ask: At a minimum, once a week (usually more) I have a dream that I am cheating or have cheated on Jesse - and I wake up ECSTATIC that it didn't actually happen. (my dreams are more like nightmares. I end up cheating, then I start panicking and crying and it wakes me up).

 

I am not scared I will cheat on him. I know I won't cheat on him. So what gives with the dreams? Is my subconscious telling me I need to clear my conscience with Jesse (even though my infidelity doesn't pertain to our relationship at all)?

 

Or is it just karma?

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

Posted
Posted

I guess my question to you is that if the roles had been reversed would you want him to tell you that he had the capacity to do such a thing? In addition, the fact that you are having dreams about cheating on him is surely not a good sign. I think you should tell him so he can mentally prepare himself in the future in case you may cheat on him. I find the dreams you are having is a really bad sign. Again if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to tell you about those dreams? Maybe together you both can deal with these issues. I wish you luck.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted

I am not scared I will cheat on him. I know I won't cheat on him. So what gives with the dreams? Is my subconscious telling me I need to clear my conscience with Jesse (even though my infidelity doesn't pertain to our relationship at all)?

Or is it just karma?

 

How much honesty do you want in your relationship? That's the real question you need to ask yourself.

 

If you think this is going to make him freak out and never trust you... then this isn't love... and this isn't the guy you should make a future with.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

Posted
Posted

I'm of the camp that believes that you should leave past relationship stuff in the past. Answer direct questions because honesty is important.

 

But if you've made a mistake in the past, learned from it, and know you will handle things differently due to what you learned, who you are currently is a different person. It is like any other lesson learned.

 

Does your current BF DESERVE to know? Sure if he finds it important enough to ask about. No if he doesn't ask. You didn't cheat on him. You owe him no explanation for being once upon a time, less mature and honorable in a different relationship than you want to be now.

 

Any justification for your actions he might request of you is less about concern for your past BF's feelings and more to do with seeking answers for his own heart over pains he was given by someone else. It would be like having to defend yourself for touching a hot stove and getting a scaring burn when you were a kid all because his cousin once did the same when he was suppose to be keeping an eye on them and he got in some trouble over it.

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Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted

Any justification for your actions he might request of you is less about concern for your past BF's feelings and more to do with seeking answers for his own heart over pains he was given by someone else. It would be like having to defend yourself for touching a hot stove and getting a scaring burn when you were a kid all because his cousin once did the same when he was suppose to be keeping an eye on them and he got in some trouble over it.

 

It's not about who asks what or deserves what... the key to this question is intimacy.

 

Does she want him to know who she really is? Bumps, warts and all? ... or does she want him to fall in love with someone who doesn't exist?

 

I think most people would rather put up a front and hide because they are frightened that their SO will judge them poorly.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted
The thing is - does he deserve to know? It has been a year and a half since we started dating - why should I tell him now?

there is no need to tell him about your past indiscretions

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

Posted
Posted
It's not about who asks what or deserves what... the key to this question is intimacy.

 

Does she want him to know who she really is? Bumps, warts and all? ... or does she want him to fall in love with someone who doesn't exist?

 

I think most people would rather put up a front and hide because they are frightened that their SO will judge them poorly.

 

When I was 4 I got mad at a friend who saw the same sitter I went to and gave him a shove. He tripped on his feet and fell off the porch, breaking his collar bone. I didn't tell every friend I made there after about this because I just didn't think about it often and I never did it again. Was that wrong? Should I have considered myself forever after as "one who breaks their friends' bones"?

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
Posted

 

Does your current BF DESERVE to know? Sure if he finds it important enough to ask about. No if he doesn't ask. You didn't cheat on him. You owe him no explanation for being once upon a time, less mature and honorable in a different relationship than you want to be now.

Pretty much what I think.

 

If he doesn't ask, don't tell him.

cookie2 Established Member

cookie2

Posted
Posted

Another "no" vote from me. If he asks directly then don't lie, explain what you learned and how it changed you. If he doesn't ask, then no need to volunteer the info.

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Kinder-Horror Established Member

Kinder-Horror

Posted
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Posted (edited)
It's not about who asks what or deserves what... the key to this question is intimacy.

 

Does she want him to know who she really is? Bumps, warts and all? ... or does she want him to fall in love with someone who doesn't exist?

 

I think most people would rather put up a front and hide because they are frightened that their SO will judge them poorly.

 

I guess I am questioning WHY that is intimacy. And also why that is who I really am. What about the other relationships I have been in that I haven't cheated. Or that weren't horrible? Why isn't that who I really am? Why is one mistake I have made in the past that I regret deeply... why is that who I really am, vs all the other things? There are a lot more things than just a black mark in one relationship that make up who someone really is

 

Also - why is telling him being intimate? We are very close - but there's a lot i do not know about his past relationships, because frankly, I don't really care to know about past girlfriends. I don't ask often about details - and if he ASKED me if I have ever cheated on a bf, I would tell him. I am just asking if there is any reason to bring it up without his inquiring

 

I don't think that makes our relationship less serious.

Edited by Kinder-Horror
Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
When I was 4 I got mad at a friend who saw the same sitter I went to and gave him a shove. He tripped on his feet and fell off the porch, breaking his collar bone. I didn't tell every friend I made there after about this because I just didn't think about it often and I never did it again. Was that wrong? Should I have considered myself forever after as "one who breaks their friends' bones"?

 

Yeah, and I stubbed my toe last week.

 

If you think that and an affair are equal, then it's meaningless. However, if you wake up in cold sweats about it... maybe it is a bigger deal than you care to admit.

 

I guess I am questioning WHY that is intimacy. And also why that is who I really am. What about the other relationships I have been in that I haven't cheated. Or that weren't horrible? Why isn't that who I really am? Why is one mistake I have made in the past that I regret deeply... why is that who I really am, vs all the other things?

Also - why is telling him being intimate? We are very close - but there's a lot i do not know about his past relationships, because frankly, I don't really care to know about past girlfriends.

I don't think that makes our relationship less serious.

 

Ugh... this only defines you if you can't be honest about it. That means you have some serious issues from it still... like you want to deny it's a part of you.

 

Look, tell him or don't tell him... I don't really care. Your the one dreaming about it and freaking out. That makes me think it's something that is/has affected you deeply. Actually if you could cheat and just walk away w/no emotional after effects I would say your a Psycho.

 

I'm not saying intimacy requires 100% knowledge of one another.... but once you start holding parts back intentionally... your killing it.

 

Just put some thought into how important emotional sharing is to you in a relationship.

lostsunsets Established Member

lostsunsets

Posted
Posted

Don't say anything. It's in the past.

Enchanted Girl Established Member

Enchanted Girl

Posted
Posted

Whatever you do, don't lie to him. If he asks, tell him. It's important to be honest. And make sure you're not bashing the girls who cheated on him because it could make you seem hypocritical to him if he finds out.

 

Other than that, it's really a gray area. You didn't do it to him, so you have no obligation to tell him anything, but that doesn't mean he'll be okay with it if he finds out on his own.

 

He actually might be more impressed if you just tell him directly and at the same time tell him all that you learned and how you know now that it was the biggest mistake of your life and how you'll never do it again. It shows that you changed.

 

Or then again, it might just make him super paranoid that you're going to cheat on him. I think it depends on what kind of guy he is.

 

Just know that omitting things is considered lying to some people. My boyfriend "omitted" some really important information about some things he had been doing behind my back and when I found out that he had been doing this thing for 3 years (I don't want to get into what it was), I flipped out. He claimed that he didn't lie to me and my comeback was,"So now I have to ask you directly every day questions about whether you've done this bad thing behind my back or that bad thing or I'll never know about it? You can't be honest with me and just admit that you did something? How can I trust you? I don't want to interrogate you every day. I just want you to be honest with me, even if you are doing something that I might think is a mistake." It was definitely like lying to me because he knew I would find that information important and he didn't tell me anyway.

 

But of course, this is different because you didn't actually do anything to your current boyfriend, while what he did actually involved me.

aerogurl87 Established Member

aerogurl87

Posted
Posted

Haha no. It was the past, you didn't cheat on your current boyfriend so I see no problem with keeping it as your little secret. I'm all for honesty in relationships, but some secrets are just that, secrets. I put something like this in that category because I'd never tell my boyfriend I cheated on my ex.

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Kinder-Horror Established Member

Kinder-Horror

Posted
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Posted

 

Ugh... this only defines you if you can't be honest about it. That means you have some serious issues from it still... like you want to deny it's a part of you.

 

Look, tell him or don't tell him... I don't really care. Your the one dreaming about it and freaking out. That makes me think it's something that is/has affected you deeply. Actually if you could cheat and just walk away w/no emotional after effects I would say your a Psycho.

 

I'm not saying intimacy requires 100% knowledge of one another.... but once you start holding parts back intentionally... your killing it.

 

Just put some thought into how important emotional sharing is to you in a relationship.

 

I don't know why you are responding like you are frustrated when I am just asking a question - and asking you to elaborate. I am not talking about being dishonest with him. If he asked, I would answer honestly. I am talking about bringing something up from my past without him even asking... if it even needs to be done.

 

I never said i couldn't be honest about it... I asked if I should bring something up without him even inquiring about it..

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
I don't know why you are responding like you are frustrated when I am just asking a question - and asking you to elaborate. I am not talking about being dishonest with him. If he asked, I would answer honestly. I am talking about bringing something up from my past without him even asking... if it even needs to be done.

I never said i couldn't be honest about it... I asked if I should bring something up without him even inquiring about it..

 

Sorry, I don't mean to sound frustrated.

 

If you were not having mental issues about this already... I would say your not required to bring it up.

 

Also... clearly you think this tidbit of info would be a big deal to him, otherwise you would have told him the moment you had this bad dream. Doesn't it seem like your now lying by omission? Maybe you should just tell him about the dream and call it good.

 

By the way... in your dream... is it someone specific that your cheating on him with? :eek:

 

I've learned to ask this question early in a relationship.... and I've been cheated on twice that I know of... and both told me they had never cheated on anyone before. I now know for fact that the first one was lying through her teeth. It would be really refreshing to hear... even 2nd hand of a woman who was honest and upfront about this kind of thing. BUT, that's just my personal issue and has no bearing on you or what your going through. :o

Feelin Frisky Established Member

Feelin Frisky

Posted
Posted
Let me preface this with the fact that I am just looking for advice. I really don't want to be lectured. I already know what I did was wrong. I'm going to be blunt with facts, not because I'm insensitive - but because I want to lay it all out there as clutter-free as possible.

 

I've been in a serious relationship with a guy named Jesse for about 1.5 years. I know he is the one and he has expressed the same feelings to me.

 

I've been in a few serious relationships before him, but the most recent one before Jesse was with Vince, which didn't end well.

 

I had cheated on Vince. And not only did I cheat on him, but I didn't even have the guts to tell him. I just broke up with him, left him hurting and begging to get back together. But I just kept refusing and walked away.

 

Vince eventually found out months after we broke up that I had cheated on him - which just started the hurting/healing process all over again. And around that time, I randomly met Jesse. I wasn't looking for him, or a relationship, but it happened and I didn't want to let him get away.

 

I think Vince finding out 1) that I cheated and 2) that I was seeing someone new... actually helped him break away a little faster... but I still regret to this day what I did and how I hurt him.

 

However... I never told Jesse about my past indiscretions and kind of had no plan to. This is because I feel like it is in the past, with a totally different person in a completely different (and horrible) relationship.

 

I also worried about telling him because I knew that he had two past gfs cheat on him - I didn't want him worrying about me because of my past. I had a bf tell me he cheated on a gf before me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I didn't want Jesse worrying about me in that way. It feels like the wrong way to begin a relationship.

 

The thing is - does he deserve to know? It has been a year and a half since we started dating - why should I tell him now?

 

Here's why I ask: At a minimum, once a week (usually more) I have a dream that I am cheating or have cheated on Jesse - and I wake up ECSTATIC that it didn't actually happen. (my dreams are more like nightmares. I end up cheating, then I start panicking and crying and it wakes me up).

 

I am not scared I will cheat on him. I know I won't cheat on him. So what gives with the dreams? Is my subconscious telling me I need to clear my conscience with Jesse (even though my infidelity doesn't pertain to our relationship at all)?

 

Or is it just karma?

 

Do you think I should put a kniting needle in my eye? Or peraps introduce myself to my next female aquaintance by saying: "hi, I'm Sneaky Bastard"? Case closed.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
I am talking about bringing something up from my past without him even asking... if it even needs to be done.

 

TBH, my vote would be no. The fact that it's on your mind tells me you've learned something from the experience. As you mentioned, answer questions honestly.

 

IME, all the women who've told me they've cheated (some serially) have been married when they told me. They must think I'm their priest or something ;) Single women, never. I've never asked.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

Posted
Posted
Yeah, and I stubbed my toe last week.

If you think that and an affair are equal, then it's meaningless. However, if you wake up in cold sweats about it... maybe it is a bigger deal than you care to admit.

 

Yeah. I totally compared it to stubbing one's toe. Guess obtuse isn't just for angles.

 

Ever thought someone might not ask because they DON'T want to know? I allow people to make that choice just as I'd let them have honesty if they choose to ask.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

If you are dreaming of cheating on him then maybe you should look at that. It is not a good sign.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Yeah. I totally compared it to stubbing one's toe. Guess obtuse isn't just for angles.

Ever thought someone might not ask because they DON'T want to know? I allow people to make that choice just as I'd let them have honesty if they choose to ask.

 

Yeah... thanks for calling me obtuse.

 

Fine... I concede that I'm outnumbered.... but she should bring up the dream. Especially if it's a guy she already knows.

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Kinder-Horror Established Member

Kinder-Horror

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Also... clearly you think this tidbit of info would be a big deal to him, otherwise you would have told him the moment you had this bad dream. Doesn't it seem like your now lying by omission? Maybe you should just tell him about the dream and call it good.

 

By the way... in your dream... is it someone specific that your cheating on him with? :eek:

 

 

Well, we met relatively soon after Vince (my ex) had discovered what had happened - so it was still fresh and I didn't want to bring it up then (that I cheated), because I didn't want to scare Jesse away...and then time just went on (I started having dreams about it a few months later)... I have told him about some of my dreams... But I dream VIVIDLY every night... seriously, I think after the first month, he was probably done listening to my dreams... sensory overload.

 

so I guess, no... it doesn't really feel like omission... it certainly isn't reality (the dreams) and once I wake up... I am just relieved.

 

It isn't anyone specific, it has been an ex, or a waiter, an ugly teacher or even a girlfriend... and it could be sex, or a kiss, or even someone simply rubbing my shoulders.... either way - it is uncomfortable (even in my dream) and it isn't consensual... ever.

 

I've literally dreamed that a waiter has pecked me on the lips and walked away and I was so ashamed that another person kissed me that I started to panic and woke up.

 

If you are dreaming of cheating on him then maybe you should look at that. It is not a good sign.

 

Like I said, I am not having good dreams about cheating on him. It is like someone raping me.... So it isn't exactly fantasy.

Edited by Kinder-Horror
Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Well, we met relatively soon after Vince (my ex) had discovered what had happened - so it was still fresh and I didn't want to bring it up then (that I cheated), because I didn't want to scare Jesse away...and then time just went on (I started having dreams about it a few months later)... I have told him about some of my dreams... But I dream VIVIDLY every night... seriously, I think after the first month, he was probably done listening to my dreams... sensory overload.

so I guess, no... it doesn't really feel like omission... it certainly isn't reality (the dreams) and once I wake up... I am just relieved.

It isn't anyone specific, it has been an ex, or a waiter, an ugly teacher or even a girlfriend... and it could be sex, or a kiss, or even someone simply rubbing my shoulders.... either way - it is uncomfortable (even in my dream) and it isn't consensual... ever.

I've literally dreamed that a waiter has pecked me on the lips and walked away and I was so ashamed that another person kissed me that I started to panic and woke up.

 

I 100% support you not disclosing that information at the start of your relationship. Think of trust as a relationship credit score. Your choices should be dictated by your long term goals, combined with an understanding of the man your dealing with. Sometimes disclosing information like this will cause a temporary hit to your relationship trust, but eventually it will go higher with the feeling that your honest about everything. However, sometimes it's a permanent hit... depends on your guy.

 

I think your doing very good to bring your concerns here. I'm not a huge believer in dream analysis. I don't believe dreams mean anything in particular, however I can see that it has been bothering you.

.

Your original question was... does he deserve to know? The answer is at this time No. That't not because he doesn't deserve it... but because he has not requested it.

 

Personally, I don't think you would cheat again.

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

Posted
Posted

I'm in the "disclose everything early" camp, but I can see the other perspective. In this case, I just find it hard to believe it never came up. Usually, women ask me why I broke up with my last GF, and I ask them why they broke up with their last BF. That seems like a basic first date question.

 

The dreams about cheating were a bigger concern to me. But what you describe doesn't seem to be dreams about cheating -- they are just dreams about other men. I dream about other women all the time -- actresses, co-workers, my girlfriend's hot friends, my friends' wives. If I was supposed to feel guilty about that, I suppose I should have hung myself years ago. I think having sexual dreams about other people is healthy and normal -- and definitely should NEVER be described to your SO!!!

make me believe Established Member

make me believe

Posted
Posted

You do not need to tell him about this!! It's in the past, you learned from it, and it doesn't define "who you are." I'm in the same situation as you. My last relationship ended because I cheated on my ex, and to this day I still feel bad about how much I hurt him & how selfish & mean I was. I would NEVER do it again. And I feel no need to tell my boyfriend about it. Honestly, if you tell your boyfriend that you cheated on your ex, he WILL look at you differently. No matter how remorseful you are (and I believe that you are!), most people can't hear something like that about their partner and not let it affect them. It's in the past. Keep it there!

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