Sonolumino Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Recently, my relationship ended. I'm 20, she just turned 19. We've been together since my 11th grade year in High School. We stayed together throughout Freshman year of college, but I went away (2.5 hours) and lived at school, while she was finishing her senior year. Due to the newfound pressures of school, and the stress of a long-distance relationship, I was not treating her well at the end of my last semester. She broke up with me at the beginning of the summer, and I stopped all contact for around 40 days. We ended up talking, saw that it wasn't sensible to get back together at that time, as I was leaving again for college, and she had feelings for another person at the time. I was sad, but I understood. 2 months after school started, she texts me and we get to talking again, and I felt that she honestly had changed, and so did I. We spent Halloween together, and ended up getting back together over Thanksgiving break. Everything was going great, even with the distance. Since she was also in school now, she understood the pressures that I was under, and we could share that experience. Then, I came home in June, everything was still great. We still had our occasional fight, etc., but nothing that was insurmountable. Around the beginning of July, she tells me that she doesn't feel like I'm taking her opinion into consideration any more, and she tells me she doesn't like my lazy behaviors of sleeping late, not being on time, etc.. I agree to change my ways, as I want this relationship to work. I made a laundry list of all the things that she was more or less "annoyed" with, and changed them all. I even tried being more romantic, and tried including her in almost all my decisions, without being a wimp about it. I thought things were improving, but apparently not. At the beginning of July, she starts being more angry with me, and tells me that she's "going through a big change in her life right now, and that it needs to happen to her alone". I asked specifically if it was me or our relationship, or if I was indirectly causing any stress in her life. She vehemently denied this, and I took her at her word. I told her that I would be there for her through any change, and if she ever needed to talk about it I was here. As the three weeks passed, she became angrier and angrier, shorter temper, and began pushing me away. I again thought that it was because of the change, and I asked her again if everything was alright. Now mind you, this is the same time that I stopped doing things that she didn't like, and put forth a great effort to make her happy. I would try and diffuse situations when she would look for a fight, etc.. During the last 5 days she really starts pushing me away, and canceling plans that we have in order to hang out with her friends, hours before we were supposed to meet. This would happen every day. She would even go as far as to accuse me of being out and about somewhere else and that I was lying to her about it. I had enough, and I told her we needed to meet and discuss what was going on. She told me "she felt we were growing apart", and that "our relationship was dead". But after a few minutes of poking and prodding, I found that the real reason was that she felt like we weren't in a real relationship when I left for school, and that she wanted a boyfriend who was here physically, and that our present relationship (for 9 months out of the year) involved us being long-distance. I told her that I loved her immensely, and that I loved her enough to deal with the discomfort of a not having her around all the time now while we're young and in college, to have her around when we're older. I had planned on marrying this girl. I asked her why she didn't love me the same, why wasn't the distance worth it to her like it was to me, and she had no answer. I suggested we give it to the end of the summer to see if she still feels the same way, but she said "I've given it chances", which I didn't understand. After a tearful goodbye she said that she was sorry. I don't know what to do. I replay things over and over in my mind and I don't see a place where I went wrong, and I'm wondering, should I try and contact her again in a few years? Is it worth it? Will I even want to then? I felt that we had a very special connection and I don't want to lose that over a stupid reason like this. I'm sorry this was so long but I feel that you need all the information to make an informed decision. In short, what should I do?
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Sorry about your loss and pain. It sounds like even though it feels like it just happening, she been pull away for some time. Rather then just being right up front about it, she is trying to be sensitive to you and let you down easy. You two be together half you life so it really hard to think of them not in your life, but your also at the age where a great deal of discovering takes place. I know it not what you want to hear but I think you going to have to try to let go. You had something really nice but now it is over. It will hurt a lot and at time yo may wonder if you can handle it but you can. Allow yourself to feel sad, and cry, beat up on pillows, write out you feeling until you can not write anymore, hang out with friends and family, try to keep active. All of that will help you move on. The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? It very hard, but remember it gets easier. Keep posting.
Author Sonolumino Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Thanks GrayClouds. You're right, we're at that age now where maturity and discovery begin to take place, and being in a relationship when you're at two different stages of development is not a good idea. I guess my question is, should I pursue her in the coming years?
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Thanks GrayClouds. You're right, we're at that age now where maturity and discovery begin to take place, and being in a relationship when you're at two different stages of development is not a good idea. I guess my question is, should I pursue her in the coming years? I tell you what for the next few years focus on yourself, spend time learning about your interests, set some goals, spend some time learning some new hobbies, get to know a variety of people, get to know yourself, figure out what makes you happy. Do these things, putting yourself first, you will have the answer to that question after a couple of years. Most likely she will be a wonderful memory of a first love, but not your last. Again sorry about your break-up, sound hookie but it is not so much as a end but a beginning. After you grief this loss there is some great expereiences waiting you. Good luck.
Author Sonolumino Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I tell you what for the next few years focus on yourself, spend time learning about your interests, set some goals, spend some time learning some new hobbies, get to know a variety of people, get to know yourself, figure out what makes you happy. Do these things, putting yourself first, you will have the answer to that question after a couple of years. Most likely she will be a wonderful memory of a first love, but not your last. Again sorry about your break-up, sound hookie but it is not so much as a end but a beginning. After you grief this loss there is some great expereiences waiting you. Good luck. That sounds like very sound advice, thank you for giving it. Now I have one more question. Things seemed to end badly when we broke up (I was naturally angry, she was very sad as well). So do you think I should arrange a meeting before I go back to school and tell her that I don't regret anything, that I wish her well, in order to have some closure? Or just leave it where it lies?
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 That sounds like very sound advice, thank you for giving it. Now I have one more question. Things seemed to end badly when we broke up (I was naturally angry, she was very sad as well). So do you think I should arrange a meeting before I go back to school and tell her that I don't regret anything, that I wish her well, in order to have some closure? Or just leave it where it lies? I am not a big fan of trying to get closure through someone else, you go to some is said one way or the other and you find hope and / or more pain while still no closer. We make our own closer by sorting thorugh the emotions, taking what we should learn about the relationship, and growing as people. As that happens we move on and then we have closure. At some point in time when emotions are not right on the top of the surface, and fond memoirs remain there may be a opportunity, but do not waste time looking for it.
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