solitary_man Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 My Definition of Marital Separation A conscious decision to separate oneself from daily married life; to eliminate all physical and emotional contact with one's spouse; to live, eat, and sleep in separate dwellings, while limiting spousal communication as much as possible. For clarification: through the course of my post, I refer to the spouse that initiates the separation as the Initiator and the spouse separated from as the Left Spouse. My Understanding of Marital Separation Most marital separations fall into one of two categories: that which is healthy for the individual, and that which is unhealthy for the marriage. Separation rarely has a positive impact on marriage, but can be an effective tool that provides broader perspective on an individual basis. Some people use separation as an excuse to live the single life, date, and pursue romantic relationships while others use separation to isolate themselves from extremely difficult marital situations. Emotional Clearance The classic initiation sequence of Marital Separation usually begins with the following statement: I need space. The need for space logically implies that the Initiator wishes to eliminate all romantic ties for the sake of spending time to be introspective and better understand the role he/she plays in the marital challenges faced by the couple. This is what I call “emotional clearance.” Primarily because “I need space” is ridiculously cliche. True Emotional Clearance cannot be achieved as long as the Initiator is romantically involved with someone. That includes continued romantic involvement with the Left Spouse! A Marital Separation that fails to eliminate all romantic contact is of no benefit. Period. If the Initiator wishes to pursue other romantic relationships, then he/she has no right being married. If the Initiator wishes to continue being romantically involved with the Left Spouse, then there’s no reason to separate. Emotional clearance is an integral part of an effective Marital Separation. Ideally, it provides the Initiator with an unhindered vantage point of his/her life and how marriage affects it. This perspective cannot be achieved when a romantic attachment is blocking the view. It goes without saying: an Initiator who is romantically involved (even spousal involvement) during a period of separation causes severe emotional anxiety to the Left Spouse. Forgive me for repeating myself, but this point is extremely important. It’s wrong for an Initiator to remain emotionally involved with the Left Spouse. Take this example: After citing she needed space, an Initiator calls her Left Spouse at 2:00am in tears, begs his forgiveness and wants to come home. He listens, shows understanding, and sings her to sleep. The next day (once she’s sobered up), he calls to check in and is promptly advised that she’s changed her mind and has no intention of coming home. The Left Spouse feels used, hurt, and in the future will be less willing to make himself vulnerable. Maintaining inter-spousal emotional involvement is metaphorically like tossing the Left Spouse a rope. A Left Spouse rarely has any desire to pursue the Initiator down the path of separation but will grab onto anything the Initiator provides out of simple desperation, and therefore ends up getting dragged through the dirt and gravel. In part this is due to the Left Spouse’s own unwillingness to let go of the rope, but the Initiator should fully understand that by separating, he/she forfeits receiving emotional support from the Left Spouse. Even if the Left Spouse wants to provide it. Another damaging effect of spousal contact during separation is that it restricts the objectivity either party is able to achieve. Take for example: After several years of verbal abuse, Initiator wife decides to separate from her jealous husband. With honest intentions of maintaining emotional clearance, she restricts herself from spending time with alternate-sex friends and limits work interactions as much as possible to only include co-workers she’s not attracted to. Regardless of how careful she is being, a male highschool acquaintance puts an innocent post up on her Facebook page asking how she’s doing. Because the Left Spouse is constantly “checking up” on her, he notices this post and immediately calls and spends five minutes yelling into her voicemail. As a result, the Initiator wife becomes only more resolute that she’s made the right decision by separating. The Left Spouse It is uncommon for a Left Spouse to seek out an extramarital relationship, but it certainly can happen given enough time. A Left Spouse should fully understand that for the separation to be of any benefit at all, he/she should maintain the same level of Emotional Clearance as the Initiator. If that Emotional Clearance is breeched and the Left Spouse does become involved with someone else, he or she should clearly communicate that with the Initiator. The opposite is true as well, if an Initiator becomes romantically involved with a 3rd party, it is his/her duty to share that information with the Left Spouse. If a Left Spouse decides to pursue a relationship with a 3rd party, the Initiator should be willing to accept and respect that decision. On the other hand, a Left Spouse has every right to scream at an Initiator that becomes involved with someone else. This is not a double standard, this is simply the Initiator accepting the consequences of his/her choices. The Length of Separation There’s no clear answer for how long separation should last. Taking too much time is no better than not taking enough. Three months of separation, in most cases, should give both parties ample time to do some serious soul-searching. The best way to approach separation length is for the couple to discuss it prior to separating. The Initiator should appreciate that the longer he/she draws the separation out, the harder things will become for the Left Spouse. As long as the Initiator maintains Emotional Clearance, the Left Spouse will likely hold onto some hope of reconciliation. Sometimes that hope extends even beyond divorce. Reasons for Separation Separation as a Weapon Separation can be used to threaten and make ultimatums. A spouse that uses separation as a weapon behaves childishly and would benefit from counseling. Separation threats are rarely genuine but stem from defensive behavior and generally are made in the heat of the moment without much thought put into them. Separation as an Excuse Sometimes a spouse decides to separate for the sake of seeking out other sexual partners. Regardless of the marital situation that leads up to this decision, Separation as an excuse is quite possibly the most selfish behavior a spouse can exhibit. Separation as an Escape If the initiator of a separation has no intention of understanding the reasons for the marital challenges that has led him/her to separate, that individual is merely attempting to run away from those challenges. Until there is a willingness to seriously work on oneself, a separation is little more than an escape. More importantly, the problems an Initiator runs from will eventually catch back up with him/her. Separation as a Stepping Stone When an Initiator maintains emotional clearance and works diligently to understand the reasons for his/her ailing marriage (via self-help, counseling, introspection, etc), separation can act as a stepping stone toward a more fulfilling life for that individual. It is possible the Initiator will come to realize the benefits of remaining married. The unpleasant realities of sleeping alone, eating alone, and simply coming home to an empty apartment can do wonders to help the Initiator understand how he/she has taken the Left Spouse for granted. Alternatively, that stepping stone could possibly take the Initiator in the opposite direction: divorce. If, after an extended separation, the Initiator feels that being alone is preferable to being with his/her spouse, it’s generally an indication that there are severe marital problems that would require tremendous effort from both spouses. Divorce, in this situation, may not be the answer, but it certainly is an option. Separation as a Tool It’s widely quoted that “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” While there’s definitely truth in that, separation should never be approached if the initiator has no serious desire to divorce. The strain separation places on a relationship is severe, even when both parties maintain perfect emotional clearance. Separating with the intention of strengthening the relationship is a high stakes gamble. Couples counseling would provide a much greater benefit with a much lower risk to the health of the relationship. My Two Cents Emotional Clearance is not easily achieved, let alone maintained. While I appreciate the benefits of individual counseling, it is not enough to rely on one’s own convictions, or in the wisdom of man. Instead, I fully believe it is only through spiritual belief that we can hope to have any sort of success through marital separation.
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