starryeyed12 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 My bf and I have been on a rollercoaster of break-ups and make-ups for about 6 months now. The cycle is like putting myself through a slow torture. Our issues are mostly due to the stress of his huge fiancial problems and my insecurities and need for more stability. He is 36 and living a pay check to pay check life, hanging on thanks to his friend, who he works for, who advances him paychecks when Murphy's Law ravages his life. Ex. The breaks were about to go out in his car bc he let them go so long, and his friend was there to advance him the money to pay for it. Ex. his computer crashed and his friend advanced him the money so he could buy a laptop. He was over 200 behind in electric bills and they sent him a notice. He got an advance ect. ect. Bottom line, his friend who he works for is an enabler of his hanging-by-a-thread lifestyle, and we fight bc I want him to move on to a real 9-5 job to start building some wealth. He literally has about $500 to his name and no credit cards. Problem is that he didn't finish college and there are very few jobs where we live. The unemployment rate is bad. He also does not want to move because he wants to raise his son and his son can not go with him. Meanwhile, I am 25 and don't want to have to take care of him and his son when I get my full time job. For now, I am still career hunting as well. I am working part-time, but I really want more. I think about moving and trying to get something better, but I get stuck bc I know he can't come with me. I get extremely frustrated at his lack of drive to change, as hard as it is, though he assures me he wants what I want. This problem rips us apart. Despite all good reason, we fell very much in love. When we close our eyes and enjoy the little things that life has to offer together, the love and attraction we have is powerful. I have not felt this way for a man in a long time. It's amazing. Then Reality rears it ugly head to pull me from my dream and remind me that we are poor. I will never get that $6000 engagement ring that we found in the antique store. I will never get that beautiful wedding gown and ceremony and pictures. We will never have our baby girl (he wants another boy, but I said he would learn a lot about life if he gets a girl and she would be beautiful) The smile he gets just thinking about it is so sweet and loving. We can't afford a baby. We know that. The stress breaks us down and we fight and break up. Then after a few days of pure emotional hell, we come back to each other. I thought this time would be different. It's over bc I know its too late for him to change. I can't make him change and I want more. I push him to do more and try harder to get a new job, but I've come to the realization that he needs to be ok with what his life has become. I know this and he knows this, but we just can't stop. 2 days ago we started NC, but now he has texted me that he wants to meet up for a drink. I can't lie my whole body was turned on by the idea of seeing him again. I don't know if I can stop myself. Can I see him, but not sleep with him and it be okay? It hurts so badly to be away from him, but I just can't win with or without him. Everything hurts.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 They say love conquers all, but it hardly ever does. You and him are on diverging paths. You have your own dreams and he has his responsibilities towards his family (i.e. his son). You can't change him and you can't will him to change. Lust is only temporary. So after getting together and possibily sleeping with him, you'll still feel ****ty. Avoid momentary pleasures and decide what to do for the long haul.
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Starryeye if this thread was written by someone else, what would your advice be? I seen some of your advice and I suspect you know what you need to do. As long as he has nothing a value to loss by changing his behavior there is no reason to change. Sadly loosing you may help him ramification of his choice but it will be too late for the realtionship Fact is you simple love this guy for what he could be not for whom he is. You can not wish for someone to change and he does not show much interest in changing. It time to stop hoping he will give you the life you want, it time for you to start making that life yourself. Good luck your great new life awaits.
A Hot Mess Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 You say you want the same things, but it really doesn't sound like it. Have you done everything you can to encourage him, inspire him, make him want to be more? If so, I think you might be only left with one option. I think you need to give him some time to think about what he really wants. You've gotta go NC. If he loves you, he'll realize the changes in his life he needs to make. Meanwhile, you should focus on those things you're striving for. It might just end up that you find someone else, and don't want your ex back. On the other hand, it could improve both of your situations, leading to you getting back together (or moving on separately, but better off). But don't let him back so easily. He'll probably panic and try to come up with a few nutty scenarios he thinks might be enough for you. That's just fear talking. Only accept a solid plan that he's already well into the process of completing. Do you really want to get a year.. two years.. five years from now and be stuck in the same place? Him scraping by, and you not any closer to the things you envision? If you let that happen, you'll have so much resentment built up, nothing he'll do will make up for it at that point. This will be extremely hard. But you'll be doing the both of you a favor.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Oh, GrayClouds, I had a feeling you'd say something like that. You're very observant. Xpaperxcutx, Hot Mess, you both make some excellent points. Thank you, I need to hear that. I don't know if many people here can relate to my situation, but its very hard. I did in fact cave last night and went to watch a movie and drink wine with him. I should have looked to see if there were some replies before I went. We did have a good talk and I think its helping me inch closer to closure. We both are very open about our struggle of letting go. Theres no jealousy games or trying to pretend we don't care. I guess its like taking comfort with each other for the pain we caused each other. Weird situation. I'm not sure if this will make things better or worse in the long run.
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Oh, GrayClouds, I had a feeling you'd say something like that. You're very observant. Xpaperxcutx, Hot Mess, you both make some excellent points. Thank you, I need to hear that. I don't know if many people here can relate to my situation, but its very hard. I did in fact cave last night and went to watch a movie and drink wine with him. I should have looked to see if there were some replies before I went. We did have a good talk and I think its helping me inch closer to closure. We both are very open about our struggle of letting go. Theres no jealousy games or trying to pretend we don't care. I guess its like taking comfort with each other for the pain we caused each other. Weird situation. I'm not sure if this will make things better or worse in the long run. Inching or hoping? You appear to be intelligent, thoughtful and imaginative. You want to write a happy ending. These three wonderful traits are getting in your way of that ending. Your first choice is he becomes someone he is not, the man of your dreams who looks just like him; not going to happen. You second draft is that you both kiss each other on the forehead and walk off in two directions without tears or pain; close to happening but still not to happen. You know what the final copy is going to read. It going to certainly contain sadness, pain, hurt feeling and some very scary times. It mean looking at what, not who, is keeping you from doing what you know you have to do. It about not letting avoiding fear choose your path but moving toward what you love. And in time as you make your life, bumping into someone who is moving in the same direction. This is the beginning of your story's happen ending. Time to put down the intelligence, thoughtfulness and imagination your using to ignore your fears and listen to your heart; it is not afraid which make it a better writer.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) You know what the final copy is going to read. It going to certainly contain sadness, pain, hurt feeling and some very scary times. It mean looking at what, not who, is keeping you from doing what you know you have to do. It about not letting avoiding fear choose your path but moving toward what you love. And in time as you make your life, bumping into someone who is moving in the same direction. This is the beginning of your story's happen ending. Time to put down the intelligence, thoughtfulness and imagination your using to ignore your fears and listen to your heart; it is not afraid which make it a better writer. Well, I'd say you read me like a book, GrayClouds. I guess I have been fearful about my next move, not only with him, but with my life. As mentioned previously, I haven't fallen headfirst into my career path. Also, there are far less jobs where I life currently. A year ago, I was planning a move. I met him 2 and a half months before I was to leave. I went for 6 months. It was a bit of a forced move because I didn't have a full-time job landed first. It was one of those "I need to get the h*ll outta this town" inspired moves. I had been feeling restless for about a year. I guess I didn't try as hard as I could have to really make it in my new home because I wanted to come back to him. We stayed together the whole time, though it was tough. During this time he made progress trying to start his own business, which he had done in the past with success, but not with enough long-term determination. Things fell through when he let his friend (the wealthy enabler, who he works for in his company) convince him that he would be able to give him a major promotion if he wanted to work more closely with him and help him begin a new branch for his company (his company would be somewhat in competition with my exs had my ex continued). He had some wonderful ideas for his company and us that would bring us to where we needed to be. But I could tell that this was suspect, because his friend had made him a lot of promises since I had known him, none of which I ever saw come to fruition. But he is an excellent salesman, and he talked my ex right out of his intentions. It did seem to make sense. Getting his own business going enough to be stable would have taken a long time. So, he dropped his business plans and waited for his friend to follow through. I had hope and so did he. I made a list of pros and cons, and after much contemplation I decided I wanted to come home. I now wanted the hometown dream: career, married, a house, kids, and family nearby. I was ready. But this was all hinged that he would find a better job- his friends miraculos offer coming to light or something else- and I would too. The chances of me getting my job are far greater, and my career is one that I have to work my way, which I have been since being home. He is now working a part-time job for minimum wage and also working more for his friend. Nothing like the original dream he offered, but a little more responsibility and money than before. The advances on paychecks still have to continue though. Just enough to keep your hopes alive. All this is very stressful. He is a good man though and I just want to see it all work out, with or without me. My problem is that I am terribly sentimental. It's hard to let go of the love and good memories. He's also become my best friend. But I guess the hope is starting to fade. Edited July 23, 2010 by starryeyed12 added more
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Your wanting him to give you the life you want, that is your job. Some how in your mind you thinking if you sacrifice a bit more, hold out a bit longer, the pinata will burst open and give you all the sweet things you deserve. I suspect your a fixer, you like projects that you can use all your efforts to make better. And your good at it, that why your advice is so solid. But what is a struggle for you is to turn around and use that same talent and effort on yourself. Though it is easy to put your efforts in to someone else because if you can fix them, then it their fault but to put the effort in yourself and fail it is all on you. You just got to understand it may not turn out like you plan but it will turn out right, as long as your trying for yourself. Be sentimental towards yourself and start living for you and giving yourself the things you deserve.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) Your wanting him to give you the life you want, that is your job. Some how in your mind you thinking if you sacrifice a bit more, hold out a bit longer, the pinata will burst open and give you all the sweet things you deserve. Lovely way to put it. I suspect your a fixer, you like projects that you can use all your efforts to make better. And your good at it, that why your advice is so solid. But what is a struggle for you is to turn around and use that same talent and effort on yourself. Though it is easy to put your efforts in to someone else because if you can fix them, then it their fault but to put the effort in yourself and fail it is all on you. You just got to understand it may not turn out like you plan but it will turn out right, as long as your trying for yourself. Yes, your insight is correct. I am a fixer. When you can help someone and also get your shared dreams, I feel like the reward is that much more fulfilling. We can't truely appreciate and understand joy without pain, love without suffering. And theres beauty in all parts of this. Be sentimental towards yourself and start living for you and giving yourself the things you deserve. I just want to belong to someone, as terribly Victorian as that sounds. And he loved that about me. Edited July 23, 2010 by starryeyed12
GrayClouds Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) Lovely way to put it. Yes, your insight is correct. I am a fixer. When you can help someone and also get your shared dreams, I feel like the reward is that much more fulfilling. We can't truely appreciate and understand joy without pain, love without suffering. And there is beauty in all parts of this. I just want to belong to someone, as terribly Victorian as that sounds. And he loved that about me. It is beautiful, but what he loves about you is that he does not have to try very hard and your still there. You mention his friend is a enabler, but so are you. You continuing rewarding him for his less then stellar behavior by hanging in there. He has learned only he need to put in just enough effort to keep you around. Not the effort to thrill you, to impress you, to help you become all that you can be, to feel safe and secure but to keep you around, That is not love that is selfishness. And selfishness can only truly love itself. And leaves you still waiting to belong to someone. Where did you learn that love meant suffering... a parent that left you when you were young, alcoholic parent, one that suffered from depression. There is nothing noble about suffering, what is noble is choosing not to suffer in the pain but move through it and beyond it. Two books for you to read: "Journey for Abandonment to Healing" By Susan Anderson. "Woman, Sex, and Addction" C S Kasi (I am not suggesting you have any issues regarding sex or addiction, read it for the part of Co-dependency, but it is a enlightening book all around, even for guys) You can get both for a little more then shipping cost. They will help you when as you get ready to take that step you know is coming. We can't truely appreciate and understand joy without pain, love without suffering. And there is beauty in all parts of this. BS Go watch the sun rise tomorrow, or find a baby to hold, or let a puppy lick your face enjoy the beauty, then continue enjoying the beauty and while slamming your fingers in the car door and tell me it made you appreciated that sunset, baby or puppy more... Edited July 23, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 It is beautiful, but what he loves about you is that he does not have to try very hard and your still there. You mention his friend is a enabler, but so are you. You continuing rewarding him for his less then stellar behavior by hanging in there. He has learned only he need to put in just enough effort to keep you around. Not the effort to thrill you, to impress you, to help you become all that you can be, to feel safe and secure but to keep you around, That is not love that is selfishness. And selfishness can only truly love itself. And leaves you still waiting to belong to someone. Ok, I can agree with most of that. However, he is not competely selfish. In many senses he's a very good bf and he gives me all that he can. He gives me his energy, his time, his affection, his adoration, takes me out with what money he has, feeds me, loves me, sings to me, is romantic with me...I'm telling you there is love. I mean we have our other issues like any couple, but its mostly that the path I always saw for myself isn't quite his path right now or maybe ever. It's a risk and time is not on our side. The reality of being poor right now rips us at our seams sometimes. Its hard to say if that will always be that way. BS Go watch the sun rise tomorrow, or find a baby to hold, or let a puppy lick your face enjoy the beauty, then continue enjoying the beauty and while slamming your fingers in the car door and tell me it made you appreciated that sunset, baby or puppy more... I don't mean it in a sense that slaming your fingers in a door is the same as holding a baby. I mean it that you can not fully appreciate LIFE without the good and the bad. You can not fully experience life with out joy and pain. You could not know the full extent of happiness without sometimes feeling sad. It's normal and healthy to feel a wide range of emotions. I am not scared of feeling them to a heathy degree. I'm not saying its ok to be depressed and down for weeks upon weeks, that is not healthy. That is an imbalance in your brain, and you may need to seek help. But it is OK to feel some sadness and pain. It would be nice if we could be fully alive without this, but we can't. The best way I can describe what I am trying to say is this: the Moonlight Sonata is a beautiful song. For me it stirs feelings of melancholy and a kind of suffering, but it is beautiful. There is something beautiful and mysterious about that feeling. I find the most rewarding things in life do not come easily. Book suggestion for you: The Heart of Understanding:commentaries on the Prajñaparamita Heart Sutra By Thich Nhat Hanh I don't live my life by this book, but its a great perspective on life.
GrayClouds Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 (edited) I agree that all experiences offer the opportunity to grow and learn. That struggle, sadness,and loss offers serves a purpose but we have to be diligent not try to make that purpose suffering. And it with sensitive people there is temptation to believe over time that only through pain we are gaining, growing and creating. I find the most rewarding things in life do not come easily. I too use to believe that until I started to believe differently, that the most rewarding things in life comes when I am ready, and the only thing not easy about it is being open to accept it when it comes. I mean we have our other issues like any couple, but its mostly that the path I always saw for myself isn't quite his path right now or maybe ever.. That is a kind and thought full way of thinking. I agree with you and wish I would have said it as gracefully. Edited July 24, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 I too use to believe that until I started to believe differently, that the most rewarding things in life comes when I am ready, and the only thing not easy about it is being open to accept it when it comes. I think we are kind of saying the same thing. The most rewarding things in life do not come easy because we have worked hard, trying and failing, and pressing onward, succeeding until we at last reach our goal. And through all this we have grown and experienced life. We are now ready to accept our fate, reward, goal- whatever pertains. We're diving deep here. Really the question that remains is when to give up and when to keep fighting for it when so many other things are in place and out of place.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Just wanted to update how things are going. I have not been able to maintain complete NC, but I have been able to maintain distance from him. Turns out, he betrayed me the day after we called things off. He said I "asked for it." It's getting a lot easier to picture myself without him, but it is still hard. I have my weak moments when I just want to see him, but I know he does not deserve me. His car broke down again today. He texted me and said hes misses me terribly and he feels like driving off a cliff (good thing his car is in the shop...ha). He's sorry he hurt me, but he has a million excuses as to why. I do feel bad for him and I wish I could comfort him. But then a voice inside me speaks up and says "do you really want to go over there and put yourself right back on the rollercoaster? no, you don't. It wouldn't be good for you or him." I think that voice comes from all my inner work that I have been doing, my friends who have been there for me, AND not to mention the insightful posters I've read on LS in this thread and others. To anyone who reads this and has posted their sound advice here, I just want to say thank you. I've realized it's not about hoping for a second chance or a better go at things next time. It's about healing and living a better life for me and no one else.
TaraMaiden Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 starryeyed12, I was alerted to your thread by a good friend. They noticed you had reference to TNH's book, and thought perhaps, as I am Buddhist, I might be able to give you perspective from that direction. I would be happy to do this, and maybe provide an input from that perspective. But only if you feel this would be welcome, and not intrusive or presumptuous of me. I'd be happy to help from a Buddhist PoV, as it were, but I'd never do so, unless I know it's either welcome or invited. I'll leave it there, until I hear from you, one way or the other.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I welcome any insightful commentary that you would be willing to offer from your PoV. I am not Buddhist, but I do have an interest and appreciation for what little I do know.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I welcome any insightful commentary that you would be willing to offer from your PoV. I am not Buddhist, but I do have an interest and appreciation for what little I do know. Well, I've read your thread twice now, and you know what? You are a lovely person, I like the way you come across. You're extremely generous in your comments and have put forward the situation without harsh judgement and condemnation, but much compassion.... Yes, your insight is correct. I am a fixer. When you can help someone and also get your shared dreams, I feel like the reward is that much more fulfilling. Adding insight from my own perspective, I think I see a minor flaw in what you practice. as Buddhists, we are taught much about the importance of Compassion. There is an extraordinarily beautiful that I play whenever I feel something in my life is amiss.... But we have to be mindful, and skilful with regard to the application of compassion. Permit me to elaborate: In Buddhism we consider that Compassion comes in two Guises... There's Wise Compassion and Idiot Compassion. Wise Compassion, is exactly that: Compassion coupled with Wisdom, common sense, foresight, or a sensible outlook. Idiot Compassion is done out of a sense of loyalty and protection, but in fact hinders progress and doesn't really help. A bit like the saying, "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he eats for life." The first is idiotic, the second is wise. so far (if you would forgive me for saying so) your Compassion has been fuelled by love, sympathy, a desire to succeed and a sense of duty. Which unfortunately, while doubtless well-intentioned and sincerely meant, has been under the "Idiot Compassion" umbrella. You have to consider that Wise Compassion is also self-preserving, because when it comes to us being Compassionate, we ourselves are not excluded and also deserve it. Wise Compassion is mutually serving and beneficial. It honours, protects and nourishes both. And sometimes, Wise Compassion means taking the hard route. As a fixer, it's the hardest thing you're having to do, because it engenders a sense of failure. But Wise Compassion means looking to yourself first. And far from being a selfish viewpoint, it's vital. Compassion - like charity - must begin at home. because if you cannot nurture true, genuine, honest and wise compassion for yourself, how can you truly, genuinely, honestly and wisely cultivate it for others? Wise Compassion has no Agenda. Remember that..... I just want to belong to someone, as terribly Victorian as that sounds. And he loved that about me. there are two quotations regularly bandied about. Unfortunately,I can't stand them. They set my teeth on edge. More unfortunately, there is a definite ring of truth to them.... The first is: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". ( I find the alternative more amusing: 'What doesn't kill you...merely delays the inevitable....') but in the right mind-set, and used the right way, it can work. The second, is: "If you love someone, let them go." While I can see the 'romantic intent' stirring hearts and minds - this is actually more accurate, when the phrasing is changed somewhat: "No matter how much we love someone, sooner or later, in one way or another, we will have no choice BUT to let them go." No matter how much we want to belong to someone, it's more a case of borrowing, than belonging.... The impermanence of every compounded phenomenon means that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. Wise Compassion gives us the ability to occasionally see that if there's to be an end to something, we're the ones who have to orchestrate it.... Just wanted to update how things are going. I have not been able to maintain complete NC, but I have been able to maintain distance from him. Turns out, he betrayed me the day after we called things off. He said I "asked for it." Might one venture the question as to how precisely, he betrayed you? And his justification is completely beyond the pale. He needs his lumps examining. She said. Compassionately..... It's getting a lot easier to picture myself without him, but it is still hard. I have my weak moments when I just want to see him, but I know he does not deserve me. It' tragic isn't it, when they realise our suspicions for us? I believe you're right. He doesn't. (. . .) I've realized it's not about hoping for a second chance or a better go at things next time. It's about healing and living a better life for me and no one else. Bingo. That's the ticket..... Much love, TM.
GrayClouds Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Starr, I am really sorry for the pain you are going through. Though I have little doubt it is growing pain, and as a friend once said, soon you will be taller. It was once explained me love is what is reflected when things are at its best but what is reflected when things are at its worst. Please use your kindness on yourself, as you know, you are worth it. Keep listen to the voice inside, it is quite wise.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Tara, Gray, thank you so much for your kind words and advice. As I read over your post I realized that I truly have been practicing idiot compassion. The Buddhist wisdom is very insightful, and I think it speaks volumes of my situation. That said, please be gentle when I say that I may have regressed tonight in light of this. I went to his apartment to drop off some clothes of his and get a check. I told him to leave the check under the door mat and that I would leave the clothes. I went. I fought and fought and fought back all my thoughts of wanting to see him. I left the stuff on the mat, and was about to turn to leave...he popped his head out of the door. I am weak. I caved. We talked on and on. Then we got dinner and everything.. I told him I will leave him if he does not make better effort to support himself. I told him he needs to take his intensity for a job to 110%. I said that if he starts to get stagnant again, I will leave him and he can ask no questions because he will know. I will not nag, I will not beg, I will not push. I will quietly make my observations and if nothing has changed I will be gone. I came home and had a slight panic attack. Thinking about my life, thinking about what the h#ll I'm going to do about money. The pressure of living the life my parents and my friends have felt like 1000 bricks on my chest. I can't make it happen over night and I shouldn't give a damn about how everyone else lives. But I just don't want to waste the life I have been given, the talents God gave me. I'm scared because I want to make it, but sometimes I'm not sure where. I just want to be able to support myself 100% without anyone else while doing something I love. That is easier said than done around here. I guess I have to learn to be patient and keep putting myself out there. Where it goes from here only time can tell. Thank you again for the advice. At least I can always come back and read it again if all else fails.
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Tara, Gray, thank you so much for your kind words and advice. As I read over your post I realized that I truly have been practicing idiot compassion. The Buddhist wisdom is very insightful, and I think it speaks volumes of my situation. When you've been following an internal code of practice, it's hard to see that some of the regulations are flawed and need changing. The American Constitution was written with all the right things in mind, but has undergone major restructuring over time. Just because we've been doing something for a long time, doesn't make it right. But putting it right, is hard work. And we're apt to slip up now and then.... That said, please be gentle when I say that I may have regressed tonight in light of this. There is no "may have" about it really, is there? I went to his apartment to drop off some clothes of his and get a check. I told him to leave the check under the door mat and that I would leave the clothes. I went. I fought and fought and fought back all my thoughts of wanting to see him. I left the stuff on the mat, and was about to turn to leave...he popped his head out of the door. Damn that 'head out of the door' trick!! I am weak. I caved. Smokers do it a lot. So do drinkers. And druggies find it hard to kick the habit. Controversial point here: Take a look at what your payoff is. It's not hard to see why you 'caved'... We talked on and on. (. . .) I will not nag, I will not beg, I will not push. I will quietly make my observations and if nothing has changed I will be gone. Your ultimatums don't work. This one won't work either. And this - is why. My bf and I have been on a rollercoaster of break-ups and make-ups for about 6 months now. The cycle is like putting myself through a slow torture.(. . .) The stress breaks us down and we fight and break up. Then after a few days of pure emotional hell, we come back to each other. You've been living on ultimatums, threats, and break-ups for 6 months or so now. He has absolutely no reason whatsoever to truly, deeply, honestly and sincerely believe that this one is any different. And it won't be different. It will be the same old, same-old. I thought this time would be different. It's over bc I know its too late for him to change. I can't make him change and I want more. I push him to do more and try harder to get a new job, but I've come to the realization that he needs to be ok with what his life has become. I know this and he knows this You haven't come to this realisation at all, because if you had, you wouldn't be at the beginning of this cycle. yet again. .... but we just can't stop. (Incidentally, have you worked out yet, what your payoff is?) I came home and had a slight panic attack. Thinking about my life, thinking about what the h#ll I'm going to do about money. The pressure of living the life my parents and my friends have felt like 1000 bricks on my chest. I can't make it happen over night and I shouldn't give a damn about how everyone else lives. But I just don't want to waste the life I have been given, the talents God gave me. I'm scared because I want to make it, but sometimes I'm not sure where. I just want to be able to support myself 100% without anyone else while doing something I love. That is easier said than done around here. I guess I have to learn to be patient and keep putting myself out there. The panic attack arose because you realised you've just thrown yourself into this self-destructive loop, again. You realised that far from moving on, you've just turned the wheel, and here we go again...on the carousel ride.....Combined with the roller coaster, it's really beginning to turn your stomach, isn't it? That sick feeling is realising that you've just taken a puff when you should have thrown the packet away, or taken a drink when you know the drain should have had the alcohol, or popped that pill, when they should have been flushed long ago.... You're addicted to this. And the fix (or payoff) is this: You want to be needed. You need to be wanted. You know he'd crash without you. you know you are his support system. And this, in turn feeds your self-justification. You're there because you're doing some good. While you're there, he can depend on you, and love you, and make you believe there is nothing else on earth like the two of you, together: When we close our eyes and enjoy the little things that life has to offer together, the love and attraction we have is powerful. I have not felt this way for a man in a long time. It's amazing. But is it enough? Truly? IS IT? Where it goes from here only time can tell. Oh come on honey. You know exactly where it's going to go. deep down, you do know....right? Thank you again for the advice. At least I can always come back and read it again if all else fails. "Read is good. Learn is also good. Understand is important. Accept is better. 'Realise' is the goal. Realise this truth, and once realised, it can never be released. You live and breathe this truth, and it will never hurt you if you live it Compassionately." (My Theravadan Monk/Mentor on something which truly stuck in my craw, about a year ago. I've only recently managed to clear my throat....) be well. Good Luck, and be compassionate. For yourself, first and foremost.
GrayClouds Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Starr I wish you well. It seems to me much of this not really about him. He is who is is, and while he may modify a bit, likely will not change much. I suspect that is part of the attraction is he does not have high expectations out of life and you knowing that takes some of the pressure off you. But increasingly you are having a hard time quieting you heart, for it wants more. And while it has felt safe to stay in this comfortable place, that is changing and you are finding it scary. Part of the fear is about letting go of a love but much more of it is finally facing that bigger thing, your doubt in yourself, your ability to be alone, and knowing you can make yourself happy. Right now the pain of facing that fear is greater then the pain of acknowledging that your not getting what you need from the realtionship, but as TaraM said once you know something it is hard to ignore. I have no doubt that the time is coming that facing that bigger issue in you will be addressed by you. Maybe you need the security of the realtionship to began the process, if so do not let yourself get distracted to much on his stuff and start training yourself to focus on you, figuring out why this step is challenging you. There is no easy answer to that question, it one we all have to answer sooner or later. You may not fell it but your lucky, some people avoid it their whole lives and never get what they want there heart really wants from life. Understand your not alone with this challenge. Possible, likely, this why I am up 4 in the morning not sleeping. I too am forcing pushing myself at the moment. While the path is not always the smoothest, I am learning each step along the way we gain a little more belief in our own strength. While it still may mean an occasional sleepless night, hopefully we see those nights are just reminders to keep pushing down the path, we have not reached our goal yet. This is hard stuff, so be kind to yourself.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Wow, TaraM. You definitely have a gift of reading between the lines and putting the subconscious to words. Thank you for your analysis of the situation. You said it best: You're addicted to this. And the fix (or payoff) is this: You want to be needed. You need to be wanted. You know he'd crash without you. you know you are his support system. And this, in turn feeds your self-justification. You're there because you're doing some good. While you're there, he can depend on you, and love you, and make you believe there is nothing else on earth like the two of you, together: Everything you said is true. As I look back on it, the "fix" that really pulled me back onto the ride was him. Looking around at his lonely, desperate situation, and seeing his eyes look like a scared puppy, I cracked. And he made his case about whats gone down and I made mine about him not living up to the life and talents God gave him. I ended up calling him over to me and he clung on to me and I just held him for a while. And there it was, fasten your seatbelts. Gray, you make an excellent point: Maybe you need the security of the realtionship to began the process, if so do not let yourself get distracted to much on his stuff and start training yourself to focus on you, figuring out why this step is challenging you. There is no easy answer to that question, it one we all have to answer sooner or later. You may not fell it but your lucky, some people avoid it their whole lives and never get what they want there heart really wants from life. If I am not able to kick the addiction this time around, I will at least follow what you have said. I will not let him and his problems become mine. I will not become so attached that I feel meshed into his situation because I am not. I am my own person. I feel much more empowered this time around. If he wants to ride with me he will have to keep up. And Gray, good luck finding your path. I have no doubt you will find it as well. We just have to keep our hearts and minds open and look and listen for signs along the way.
GrayClouds Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 And Gray, good luck finding your path. I have no doubt you will find it as well. We just have to keep our hearts and minds open and look and listen for signs along the way. Yes TaraM is good:) Thank you for your kind words. For a couples of years I taught off-road driving so it is likely the path I choose is a rocky one, making it more challenging but none the less a bit more fun . I was told a little while back something that I think you too will appreciate: When we make a choice it is either to avoid something we fear or to move towards something we love. The courageous one are the ones who are doing the later. As long as you keep reminding yourself to do the latter then your headed in the right direction, I'm pleased you made the commitment to yourself not to let his issue be your crutch to keep you from going for what you want. On a practical note, the BF should get another part time job until the "business" takes off, that would show you sincere action behind his sincere words. Good luck.
Author starryeyed12 Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I'm still trying to process what happened earlier tonight, but he and I got into an arguement when we went out tonight. I started getting uncomfortable and he said you're gonna ruin the night, lets go. So, he stormed off to the car and I followed behind him. I told him that I shouldn't have to change him. He said that he didn't do anything wrong tonight, that he was being a good boyfriend. I told him that things were starting to make sense in my mind, and I listed off some of the things. He got very, very angry and slapped me in the face. Not that hard, but he slapped me and started pounding on the steering wheel. He called me all kinds of names and said I deserve to get the s+it kicked out of me. I probably deserved something for pushing his buttons, but I couldn't believe it. I can't tolerate that. No matter what it's not okay. I'm not okay with this.
GrayClouds Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 And you should not be ok with that, I know it is scary but you know what you need to do. You deserve better.
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