Are men really intimidated by beautiful, intelligent, and/or successful women?

July 22, 2010

Definitely NOT intimidated by any woman. Rather, I basically reject myself before you get the chance to by making all sorts of assumptions about high expectations you might have and judgments you might have made about me already.

Do you really do that? What sort of assumptions do you make about judgments the women may have already made?

I have a hard time believing that such women are just sitting around -- I figure they are getting many, many more interesting offers . . .

I think they get more offers in number, but not in quality. Skeezy guys abound!

It's an emotional thing. Do you think men want to be needed financially? Only the control freaks want that... and they tend to be psycho's to avoid anyway.

Make him feel like you need him emotionally. SG, I don't think you need to spend any time or effort thinking about this one. I believe you have this naturally.

Well now that's just confusing as hell.

Men don't want an emotionally needy woman, and yet they want to feel emotionally needed. That must be one pretty fine line to walk! And I'd have no idea how to make a man feel emotionally needed without being needy.

Some men on this forum are intimidated by any woman especialy if they find that woman attractive.

It seems more men are intimidated by beauty than any other trait (intelligence, success, etc.). True?

July 22, 2010

Well now that's just confusing as hell.
Men don't want an emotionally needy woman, and yet they want to feel emotionally needed. That must be one pretty fine line to walk! And I'd have no idea how to make a man feel emotionally needed without being needy.

Needing your guy and going stage 5 are 2 totally different modes of behavior.

Think about it in your terms. You want to feel needed too, but you can't stand some clingy sop.

It seems more men are intimidated by beauty than any other trait (intelligence, success, etc.). True?

No... I would say success.

July 22, 2010

All of us (male and female) are 'intimidated' by people who we think are out of our league. The reason is simple: we fear rejection.

But whenever I've heard some version of "Men are intimidated by strong/confident/beautiful/successful/intelligent women", it's usually coming from a woman who is not particularly attractive and is angry than men don't flock to her.

A lot of women have bought into the notion that if they act like men in pursuing money, career, power, etc., then men will be attracted to them. But it doesn't work like that. Men are programmed my their biology to be attracted to youthful, healthy looking women. (Notice how most of the men in this thread only picked up on being intimidated by beautiful women). Women are programmed to be attracted to things like money, success and power. Those sorts of things mean very little to most men.

So usually when I hear a phrase like this, it's coming from bitter women who think, "Hey! I did what I was supposed to! I became rich and successful, so how come men aren't flocking to me?" when the reality is that men will always look at the cheerleader before they look at the valedictorian.

July 22, 2010

Quite frankly, I don't think intimidation by intelligence/success can even be related to intimidation by looks.

Intimidation by looks happens immediately upon seeing someone for the first time. Chances are you're beyond this when you determine their level of intelligence and success.

July 22, 2010

But whenever I've heard some version of "Men are intimidated by strong/confident/beautiful/successful/intelligent women", it's usually coming from a woman who is not particularly attractive and is angry than men don't flock to her.

That's pretty much how I see it too. I think I'm pretty awesome, but if a guy doesn't like me, I don't blame my awesome qualities or think he's intimidated. I just assume that, for whatever reason, he's just not that into me.

I think most of my friends feel the same way.

That's why it's so surprising to see this intimidation factor be put to blame here so often.

...the reality is that men will always look at the cheerleader before they look at the valedictorian.

Well then, maybe I'm in luck after all!!

July 22, 2010

No... I would say success.

Not a man, but I'm going with this one. For the record, I have no statistics only than my own thoughts/experiences and talking to people, but I think women are intimidated most by looks (handsome men) and men are more intimidated by success, or rather the appearance of success, as they consider it. Generally this means success beyond their own.

Back when I was much more "together and successful" on paper, I was actually probably slightly less pretty than I currently am (mostly because I didn't work out as much) and definitely no smarter. (I feel much smarter now, as I'm happier and continuing to learn.) But I was told I was "scary" and intimidating (at first - before you get to know me) all the time back then by guys who later dated me, became friends, etc.

Now that I am more together, but less success-driven, I seem to be much more approachable. Of course, it could be the X factor of just being "happier" but it's not like I was a growling, angry maniac before. Outwardly, I don't think I look as much happier as I am. But career-wise, I've opted from a high-paced, success-driven, high-paying career to teaching. That seems to make men much more comfortable.* Of course, in my case, it makes me much more comfortable too, so I'm not complaining, but it's interesting.

*On average; not all men are the same, of course.

As for women and looks, I'm not sure if that's intimidation. . . but most women I know, if they see a really handsome guy (even the super-beautiful ones; I have some friends who are fashion models!), they think he's way out of their league, would never date only them, and they're not pretty enough for him.

Or maybe we're just all intimidated a bit by anyone we like. I think that happens too.

Basically, I think we're intimidated by anyone who brings out our own insecurities, whatever they are.

July 22, 2010

Yes, absolutely.

Although it really says more about the way a man feels about himself than anything to do with men.

I'm introverted and pretty self-conscious at the best of times. Put me in a room with a woman I find stunning and its amplified 10 fold.

Suddenly every little flaw and insecurity I have seems to scream "HERE I AM".

It's an extremely unpleasant feeling.

That feeling is enough to make me want to remove myself from the situation.

July 23, 2010

Stockalone, I'm interested to hear you elaborate more on these two points. Why do you sometimes view a woman's intelligence as an invitation to a contest? And what do you mean by that, exactly? Do you debate intelligent women for the pleasure of it, or do you feel that the "contest," rather than debate, is more of a hierarchical "see-saw" to try to end up "on top"? I'm curious because I often encounter men who instantly try to "one-up" me or contradict an opinion of mine just for the sake of being contrary, and it's so frustrating. I always feel like, why can't the guy just enjoy meeting someone who can engage in a thoughtful discussion rather than try to make it some kind of power trip, which is what it so often feels like?

When that happens, it's usually an overcompensation on my part. I am smart, but I am often terrible date when I like a woman and actually try to show her the real me. I am nervous and my mind can go literally blank. I am sure that sometimes the woman wondered how I managed to tie my own shoelaces before going on the date.

Then I try too hard to show that I am actually smart, which can lead to me overdoing it (being a smart-ass, lecturing instead of holding a conversation, correcting little mistakes she might make, etc.). Which is obviously not making me look smart, but rather condescending and/or arrogant.

That is no longer a problem (although it can flare up every now and then, but I handle it better then) once I know the woman and am comfortable around her, but getting there is difficult.

Also, I'm interested in hearing you elaborate more on why you tease women you like. Until I get to know someone fairly well, their teasing feels like they don't care about my feelings, like they're belittling me. As familiarity develops with a person, I can handle more and more teasing, but in the beginning it can be pretty off-putting. What is it about *liking* a woman that makes you want to engage with them by teasing them?

I treat a woman I like, like my male friends whom I have known for decades. I forget that those women don't know me yet, that the familiarity and the understanding how something is meant, isn't there yet.

Often, the teasing is okay though, it's a way to break the ice. It's also part of my personality, and part of my sense of humour. So it's also a compatibility test for the woman. I need her to be able to handle it, and I'd like her to be able to tease me too. It shows if we click, have fun and can laugh together.

But the line between playful banter and hurting someone's feelings can be blurry. It's possible that I unintentionally take it too far without noticing it because I don't know the woman that well.

July 23, 2010

i'm not intimidated by hot women or women that appear to be succesful however most of the women i've seen out at bars that fit this description usually have their bitch face on & I see no point in even bothering trying to talk to them.

July 23, 2010

That's pretty much how I see it too. I think I'm pretty awesome, but if a guy doesn't like me, I don't blame my awesome qualities or think he's intimidated. I just assume that, for whatever reason, he's just not that into me.
I think most of my friends feel the same way.
That's why it's so surprising to see this intimidation factor be put to blame here so often.

... I'd say chances are he is gay.

July 23, 2010

Some men on this forum are intimidated by any woman especialy if they find that woman attractive.

I myself am beautiful, intelligent, and successful so I wouldn't really worry about it. If I was single and saw the most beutiful, intelligent and famouse women in the world I would take a chance and hit on her full force.

Men often get intimidated by women who they feel are out of their reach. From how you describe yourself not many women are out of your reach. I'm a late 30s virgin with only a small number of friends and poor social skills. An average woman is far out of my reach. I know that even if I make it through a few dates with her that she can do much better, thus the intimidation.

July 23, 2010

All of us (male and female) are 'intimidated' by people who we think are out of our league. The reason is simple: we fear rejection.

But whenever I've heard some version of "Men are intimidated by strong/confident/beautiful/successful/intelligent women", it's usually coming from a woman who is not particularly attractive and is angry than men don't flock to her.

A lot of women have bought into the notion that if they act like men in pursuing money, career, power, etc., then men will be attracted to them. But it doesn't work like that. Men are programmed my their biology to be attracted to youthful, healthy looking women. (Notice how most of the men in this thread only picked up on being intimidated by beautiful women). Women are programmed to be attracted to things like money, success and power. Those sorts of things mean very little to most men.

So usually when I hear a phrase like this, it's coming from bitter women who think, "Hey! I did what I was supposed to! I became rich and successful, so how come men aren't flocking to me?" when the reality is that men will always look at the cheerleader before they look at the valedictorian.

This was the same thing I was thinking.

When I was younger, if you asked me I would have said I was attracted to women who are intelligent, successful, etc. But in retrospect, I think I was only saying that because it's become the expected thing. There is this idea in society that if a woman is financially or career successful she should be more attractive because of that. Women believe it, and men believe it superficially.

As I got older, and watched which women I really responded to, I rather think this idea is just not true. I find myself attracted to youth and beauty, and I really don't care much what the woman's career successes or education are. She can't be dumb as rocks or something like that, but anything average and up and it really doesn't matter after that.

To make this clear by example, a woman could be a school teacher or nurse making $40k/year, or a brain surgeon making $500k/year, or anything in between, and I don't think it would really make a bit of difference to me as far as making me feel attracted to her. I might have more intellectual respect for the brain surgeon, but that has nothing to do with how much attraction I would feel.

I do think that some women think to themselves that if they are career successful it will make them more attractive to men, and then when no men or only men they consider unworthy approach them they get upset. They don't understand that this is an area where men and women are fundamentally different, and that difference has been papered over by cultural ideas in recent years.

Scott

July 23, 2010

Why would any man hesitate to approach a beautiful and successful woman? Its the same reason why any woman would hesitate to approach a handsome and successful man.

Really, this question only requires common sense.

People will only rise up to a challenge that they think they can handle. If you were only armed with a knife, you would think twice before approaching a tiger. Even if the tiger turned out to be actually sick or blind. Its about perception.

My very traditional Asian mother for example discourages my sister from getting too high an education level because she thinks that it will intimidate men and prevent them from going after her. So I tell my mom that that is the stupidest thing ever and I tell my sister to go after her dreams and go after the men she wants as well instead of waiting for them because we are no longer living in 1950 like our mother did.

July 23, 2010

Not intimidated by beautiful, intelligent and/or successful women. I enjoy them and their company.

I don't get along with women who are in your face alphas tho, so I don't see any point in approaching them.

July 23, 2010

I do think that some women think to themselves that if they are career successful it will make them more attractive to men, and then when no men or only men they consider unworthy approach them they get upset. They don't understand that this is an area where men and women are fundamentally different, and that difference has been papered over by cultural ideas in recent years.

It's funny but some women who are very successful in a male type role... that makes them very unattractive to me.

I like teachers, nurses... wait... I LOVE nurses, any woman in childcare, doctors, lawyers, chefs... ect.

I don't tend to like female business owners... or bankers.... anything high stress that doesn't involve helping people...

Maybe I just see some types of success as less feminine?

July 24, 2010

So we are only describing successful as making over $100,000 or something? Because I'm a teacher with a masters making $62,000 and I am always complimented by men by my noble profession, and they know it is one of the most difficult professions requiring lots of energy, strength, intelligence, and ability to reach kids. As well, teachers are taking on multiple roles these days, we are now counselors and social workers, too. Teachers work tons of hours over and there is always more we can do.

I am glad that men appreciate me for my success, but not monetary, they are more impressed by my willingness and ability to work with kids, the most important and demanding job in the world.

July 24, 2010

So we are only describing successful as making over $100,000 or something? Because I'm a teacher with a masters making $62,000 and I am always complimented by men by my noble profession, and they know it is one of the most difficult professions requiring lots of energy, strength, intelligence, and ability to reach kids. As well, teachers are taking on multiple roles these days, we are now counselors and social workers, too. Teachers work tons of hours over and there is always more we can do.
I am glad that men appreciate me for my success, but not monetary, they are more impressed by my willingness and ability to work with kids, the most important and demanding job in the world.

Personally, I think men (on average) tend to see teaching as decidedly not intimidating -- and generally appealing -- because they associate it with nurturing, patience, helpfulness, etc.

This is solely based on my own experience, being in a male-driven profession (Advertising Sales in college and then Ad Agency after) my first few years out of college and getting a few promotions very quickly before becoming a teacher recently. I'll have my Masters soon, but am just getting my first U.S. teaching job.

Men also make all kinds of assumptions -- for instance, most men who want to have kids will assume that if they meet a lady they like who is a teacher she wants kids. I think they're less likely to make that assumption if the woman is in a job where she works 50+ hours per week (like my old ad agency job, or a CEO, a lawyer, etc) and brings home a lot of money. For me, people (men and women) used to assume I didn't want kids and now they assume I do.

You're right that teaching is an awesome career, but I certainly see it as a more "slow and steady wins the race" kind of success. Where do you make 62K? In my home-state and the state where I got a job for next year, the scale caps out around there, after like 30 years with the highest degrees. Not all states underpay teachers, though. Pennsylvania, for instance, pays quite well.

Edited July 24, 2010 by zengirl

July 24, 2010

I have taught for 15 years and have masters + 45 hours level in the pacific NW area.

July 24, 2010

I have taught for 15 years and have masters + 45 hours level in the pacific NW area.

Cool. Yeah, I've heard the pacific NW can be a better place for education. I'm from the South, where teachers deserve a lot more money/respect than they get.

July 24, 2010

I get intimidated by women who are vastly good looking, intelligent and successful. As such I will never ask such a woman out even if she is interested in me. It will only serve to ruin what little confidence and self belief I have left after most of it has been destroyed.

Ah don't say that man.

But I think that maybe men and women try to compete on terms where they feel the field is level? Basically, to avoid that feeling of intimidation, they try to date women with similar successes to themselves.

I've always hated the idea of 'leagues', but I guess that need to compare will often be present.

However I also believe that really beautiful, intelligent, and successful women often wind up with a male counter part. Of course this isn't 100% but I think it happens that way because they are so often able to relate to each other very well.

July 24, 2010

I'm a late 30s virgin with only a small number of friends and poor social skills. An average woman is far out of my reach. I know that even if I make it through a few dates with her that she can do much better, thus the intimidation.

If your starting point is that an average woman is out of your reach, then she will be. Why would an average woman be out of your reach? Because you are a virgin? Maybe women prefer a virgin to a guy who had sex with 100 women...

The one quality women like in a man is selfconfidence because selfconfidence in a man gives you as a woman the feeling that you can relax, that the man will take care of things. Especially if you are a woman with a career, you want a relationship with a guy who will take care of things because otherwise you have to do the same thing at home as at work...: manage things. I don't mean by that that he pays all the bills and takes all the decisions. But as a woman you simply cannot be feminine if you constantly have to push your man to take action.

Read the book: "No more Mr Nice Guy" from R. Glover.

July 24, 2010

However I also believe that really beautiful, intelligent, and successful women often wind up with a male counter part. Of course this isn't 100% but I think it happens that way because they are so often able to relate to each other very well.

Isn't that the most normal thing? In my case, I know my value and my place on the picking order. I am mid-forties which probably makes me too old in the eyes of a number of guys my age. But I am slim, pretty and dress well. I am well-educated, have a good job and a comfortable salary. Have my own apartment and no financial problems.

Why would I not go for a guy with more or less the same profile? What would getting together with a 15 year older, fat, ugly, unemployed guy offer me that getting together with someone who ressembles my profile better would not?

July 24, 2010

It's funny but some women who are very successful in a male type role... that makes them very unattractive to me.

I like teachers, nurses... wait... I LOVE nurses, any woman in childcare, doctors, lawyers, chefs... ect.

I don't tend to like female business owners... or bankers.... anything high stress that doesn't involve helping people...

Maybe I just see some types of success as less feminine?

Your thinking is very stereotypical and as such stupid. You function on the basis of images, not on the basis of real knowledge of a person. You can't find love unless you are willing to get to know the real person.

There are women active in more "feminine" professions who are real witches, and women who are active in more "masculine" professions who are really sweet. It all depends from one person to another. It is the same for guys. Some guys who are working in the social sector are real dictators and some in alpha professions are very warm people.

July 24, 2010

Isn't that the most normal thing? In my case, I know my value and my place on the picking order. I am mid-forties which probably makes me too old in the eyes of a number of guys my age. But I am slim, pretty and dress well. I am well-educated, have a good job and a comfortable salary. Have my own apartment and no financial problems.
Why would I not go for a guy with more or less the same profile? What would getting together with a 15 year older, fat, ugly, unemployed guy offer me that getting together with someone who ressembles my profile better would not?

Well, put that way, yes, but it's not like we always go for our exact counterparts. When I look at the very successful couples I know (I'll focus on only seemingly "forever" relationships of fully committed/married partners, so not mine), it's not as though the partners are completely "equal" on paper in terms of looks, education, money, or such. They all have their own great qualities they bring -- personality, looks, education, success -- and their own failures. I suppose we look for someone with complimentary qualities.

One partner may be more attractive, whilst the other is able to make anyone in the world smile.

One partner may be financially successful, whilst the other one is fantastically brainy and gives them great ideas.

There are any number of reasons why different couples "work" and so long as they do and both partners are happy, who gives two figs?

July 24, 2010

I think one of the issues that arise is that whether they realize it or not, many successful women go out of their way to express that they don't need a man, or alternatively plant the seed of expectations (financial or otherwise) that they have for a man that have little to do with character. I don't know any man who appreciates not being needed or being seen as "not up to snuff" in superficial categories.

This is solely based on my own experiences though.

Sign In

Are men really intimidated by beautiful, intelligent, and/or successful women?

Recommended Posts

Star Gazer

Untouchable_Fire

EasyHeart

Saxis

Star Gazer

zengirl

neowulf

Stockalone

phineas

Untouchable_Fire

gamma1

Scottdmw

jamesum

You'reasian

Untouchable_Fire

Pink Cupcakes

zengirl

Pink Cupcakes

zengirl

MrNate

WalkInThePark

WalkInThePark

WalkInThePark

zengirl

Krytie TV

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...