Argentina Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 My husband for the past 10 years has changed over the past 6 months. He has always been an anxious person and recently this has become much more of an issue along with depression. he is seeking medical treatment and seeing a psychologist. I am supporting him as much as possible with this situation but also trying to maintain a calm environment for our children. He has periods of feeling suicidal and in his words "feels dead inside". He has a specific issue with me and that is: I have not supported him in taking part in recreational and sporting activities in the past. He states that for many years he felt that obstacles were put in his way and that I did not support him when he wanted to play soccer and/or go to the gym. My view on this is that he is correct in that 2+ years ago I did not always want him to play soccer on the weekends. My reason for feeling like this was because he worked a lot of weekends and I wanted us to have family time with the kids for at least one day on the weekend. He was also going to the gym a couple of times a week, but there was a time when finances were tight and I asked him to drop his membership for a time. Together with this we both worked, were raising 2 young children and had the usual family, home and financial commitments. Ultimately, I did feel that we needed to devote our attention to these things and recreational pursuits for both of us came second. Obviously this was not the right message to convey to him and I admit my inflexibility with this. However, when i came to realise how important the sports was to him, I encouraged him to go back to soccer and found him a soccer club to join. He also started going to watch a match every month or so. The problem is that even when he started going back to these recreational activities, he was convinced that I was not happy about it and consequently if we had an argument over a domestic issue he would say that "I was deliberately picking an argument because I was annoyed at him playing soccer". For the past 3 months he has repeatedly launched into long speeches with me about how soul destroying this has been for him, how he is now too old to play (44 years), how I have sucked the life out of him by not allowing him to partake in these activities. He will go on and on about this for over an hour, several times a week. He cites this as the reason for his suicidal feelings. He wavers between getting very angry and bursting into tears on occasion. Over and over again I have apologised, and have consistently provided him with encouragement to get involved in activities. He is now swimming a couple of times a week. However, he still continues to persist in this verbal punishment towards me because of this past issue. I have sat in a psychiatrists office while he told the doctor what a despicable thing I have done to him by not allowing him to play soccer and go to the gym regularly. I need your opinion because the way he is acting (in my opinion) does not fit the "crime". I could understand if I held a gun to his head or locked him in a room or had an affair or something. Yes, I was unreasonable at times and a nagging wife. But I have changed and he still won't drop this subject. All the articles I read about forgiveness refer to issues of spouses having affairs or something similar......not a spouse who nags or sulks about them playing sport. What do you think. Do I deserve this ongoing punishment?
Snowflower Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I can't believe no one has responded to your post! There are a lot of things here. I'll take a stab at some of it. While marriage is a balance and full of compromise on each partner's needs, what your H is doing is almost emotionally abusive. Why does he persist in bringing this up with you? I can't believe a mental health professional (his counselor) allows your H to do this while in the counselor's office. While what you post about asking him to curtail some of sports activities a couple of years ago sounds reasonable to me, I know that there are two sides to every story. Maybe you were really nasty about it, who knows. In any event though, you apologized and it sound like he is participating again in things he likes to do. What bothers me is that he won't let it go and "rags" on you several times a week about it. How is this productive? I think his actions are doing serious harm to your relationship. Your H has stated his feelings, you've apologized, now it is time to move on. How long have the two of you been married? I know you mentioned IC for your husband, but what about MC (marriage counseling) for the two of you? It sounds like a combination of a mid-life crisis for your husband (cliche, but it does happen to many people) and built up resentment. It could spell a lot of future trouble for your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be more positive about what you have posted.
denise_xo Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 What do you think. Do I deserve this ongoing punishment? Absolutely not. It is completely unreasonable and emotionally abusive. From your description, it sounds like this is connected to his ongoing mental health problems, and thus not something that you should be taking personally. Agree also with Snowflower's points.
Confused_in_canada Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I don't think your in the wrong at all. Your Husband needs to wise up and realize that sports aren't everything. In fact I gave up 2 of my sports to focus more on my own children and family. He has to learn to sacrifice if you guys are going to survive; and if he doesn't want to to make some adjustments then maybe he just doesn't see the real picture. The real picture is your unhappy that he'd rather play sports than play sports with you. It's unfortunate but, it sounds like he needs to be given the "red" card.... Maybe get a "yellow" card and stand up in front of him with it and maybe he'll understand???? -Evan
nakedtruth Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I can understand what you are going through. I have been married for 7 years and our first child on the way (second technically). Before I got pregnant, when my husband and I would get into arguments they led to almost similar accusations of not being active in his interests and how the past 8 yrs of his life have flown by and he has nothing to show for it etc etc. My first reaction to being blind sided like this was I didn't realize he was so unhappy. This is not your fault... it's his own emotional turmoil and inability to deal with life situations that cause him to attack you because you are the closest easiest target. I told my husband to get over it the past is the past and we still have the present and future to make these changes that he feels are needed. I'm sorry 44 is not too old!
Enchanted Girl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) I'm surprised no one else thought of this and I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I think I know why your husband is doing this. He is going through a mid-life crisis. Usually men take this out on their wives and children for "stealing" their youth because they can't get it back and have no idea who to blame their frustrations on. This part is what made me think this was true: For the past 3 months he has repeatedly launched into long speeches with me about how soul destroying this has been for him, how he is now too old to play (44 years), how I have sucked the life out of him by not allowing him to partake in these activities. He will go on and on about this for over an hour, several times a week. He cites this as the reason for his suicidal feelings. He wavers between getting very angry and bursting into tears on occasion.He is thinking of his youth. When you're young, you have all these possibilities in front of you. You have all these dreams and all these things you like to do and dream of being good at. The world is your oyster and you're there to find the pearl and the pearl can be anything you want it to be. He finally feels the weight of being old now. He knows he can't do those things, like having a career in soccer or something. (You can play soccer when you are old and as you said, he is involved with it now, but can not have a career in it.) Men especially have a problem in this area. When they realize they've lived their life for their kids and wife sometimes they freak out a whole bunch. Men have trouble not focusing on all the things they've missed out on. They have trouble counting the blessings of the things they already have. And men are taught to view kids and wives as things that keep them from really experiencing life. One of my college professors talked about this. He said that he really grew-up the day he stopped idealizing everything else everyone else did. All of it takes hard work and you can only dedicate your life to doing one or two things. You can't live and experience everything, but this is an area that men struggle to accept life in. (And it's really men of all ages who struggle with it.) I don't think you deserve to be treated this way at all. He's taking it all on you because he can't do anything to fix it and he thinks you took it from him. I don't know what to tell you either. Men can't be fixed by their wives when this happens. They have to figure this out on their own. Try to put as little pressure on him as possible and pre-occupy yourself with other things besides him. Maybe, if you make him realize that your identity isn't totally wrapped up in him and controlling him, he'll also realize that his identity isn't wrapped up in just you either and that he actually has a happier life than he's thinking he does. Edited July 23, 2010 by Enchanted Girl
Author Argentina Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 thanks everyone for your responses. Although I know in my heart that his behaviour is not appropriate, it is reassuring to have this validated by others. I think that a mid-life crisis is quite probable but also I think his depression is not under control. I am quite a positive person and believe in "thinking forward" not backward. So hearing him harp on about the past over and over again about issues that have already been resolved is very tiring. Like someone said "44 is not too old". It is just the way he is viewing everything at the moment. I am considering the option of couples therapy to talk over this stuff with someone else who can mediate because I don't have any more answers for him.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I'd be looking into female 'friends' he may have made six months ago while playing soccer or going to the gym. I think there is something a lot more simple behind the apparently sudden accusations and changes in behavior he is throwing at you, and trying to make you look like the bad guy. I think the whole 'sport' thing is a blind that is hiding what is really going on with him. A man won't fall apart about not being able to go play soccer or go to the gym, but he might if he is torn between his family and another woman. It would not hurt a bit to look a little deeper at this situation. Not a bit.
Recommended Posts