I heard my husband on the phone with another woman

[bwife]

I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for a year. I'm crushed. He took a sick day off and I was in the bedroom trying to nap, and I heard him on the phone. He was whispering, I thought that was strange and picked up the extension. He was talking to a woman.

 

I can't remember too much about the conversation but from what was said, they've been breaking up and getting back together for a whole year. Apparently, she had emailed him asking to meet and talk in person, and I think I caught them in the beginning of the conversation, because this is what I heard (there was more, but this is what I can remember):

 

Him: " I'm going to be out of town next week for 3 days... can it wait until I get back?"

 

Her: "Yeah, it can wait."

 

Him: "What's wrong? Am I in trouble? Let's talk about it, maybe I can make you feel better, answer questions... Just talk to me."

 

Her: "I've just been feeling weird about this, since the last time we had sex. This isn't easy for me the way it is for you. And I'm always the one looking for you to get this going, I don't think we see each other enough."

 

Him: "I know, I would see you every day, if I could, but work has been crazy. You know that I can only see you during the day, and only when I can get out of the office. That hasn't happened lately" (and then goes on to tell her everything that he's been dealing with at work, then talk about how "incredible" she is)

 

Her: "I understand, but this is barely happening. And I keep waiting to hear from you, and that upsets me. I think we need to end this."

 

Him: "If this is upsetting to you, then I agree. I don't see my schedule changing and I think I set up the wrong expectations for you. We've been doing this for a year now but my life is nonstop busy. I'm the breadwinner, there are a lot of people losing their jobs here, I can't just leave the office in the middle of the day for 3 or 4 hours..."

 

Then I don't remember what came next, but at some point he said "I want this to be fun for us, I don't want to get into any of the emotional stuff... because that's when you get in trouble..." and she said "I don't want that either, I think I'm the one who said that first, that this should be only about sex. But if this isn't happening, then what's the point?".

 

He goes on to say that he means her no harm, starts talking dirty... She doesn't engage him, and he actually stops. He respected her wish, which doesn't sound like him at all. He seemed very careful about her feelings the whole time, which killed me. He's not usually like that.

 

Then he changed his story and asked her to pick up the conversation once he gets back from his trip. She said "So, this is it?" and he went "No, I want us to talk about this when I get back...".

 

My question is, I thought it was strange that he brought up "emotional stuff", or feelings. They weren't on that subject at all, from what I recall. It came from him.

 

Could that mean that he's been trying to keep it only sexual but has feelings for her anyway? Does this sound like a fling only?

 

My head is spinning right now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to grasp if this is something serious or not. I never thought he could do this to me. If any of you have some insight, please share.

[woinlove]

From what you write, it sounds like your H is ready to end this if it causes him too much trouble, but he would like to keep it going for the sex if he can. He is being "careful about her feelings" because he wants something from her - sex, and also she could cause him a lot of trouble (such as exposing him to you or to others at work) so he has to keep her happy or, at least, not too unhappy. Nothing you quote sounds like he is very emotionally involved.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[Spark1111]

So sorry you are going through this!

 

Former Betrayed Spouse (fBS) here....

 

Well sure, he could have emotional feelings for her. Men do tend to develop emotional feelings for a long term sexual affair partner.

 

Plus, if fostering the emotions in her makes it physically more exciting for him, he will do whatever it takes to make that aspect continue.

 

The big question is: What do you intend to do about it?

 

I know you are reeling in pain and not thinking straight.

 

My advice: EXPOSE THEM. Affairs thrive in secrecy. For many, the illicit nature of it is what makes it so exciting.

 

Is she married or in a committed relationship? Tell her SO (Significant Other).

 

But first, you need to stay calm as if nothing has been discovered, and gather concrete proof. Emails? Cell phone bills? Can you examine them? Texts on his phone? Because affairs need constant communication to fuel the illicit juiciness.

 

And then you need to lower the boom. What will your requirements be to repair the marriage?

 

I am so sorry for you!

 

Because cheaters will lie, even when confronted with hard proof.

 

Do you love him?

[curly]

The H may not be looking to leave W but he is involved with the OW. They've been together for a year - even on & off. They've been intimate and now he's trying to keep her on string. She's (OW) obviously becoming frustrated with the situation and he's (H) trying to appease her to keep his situation status quo.

 

Bwife - Sorry to say it but you need to confront him immediately and get the truth. This is a really serious situation. The OW started the affair with the intention to betray you (and possibly her H) with just a sexual affair. Now she's looking for more from your H. Things have gone beyond sex.

 

I was an OW a while ago and I know the pattern. I haven't posted in a very long time, but I feel really bad for you. You have a world of hurt coming your way. But at least you know the truth (by accident and not his confession) and you can make an informed decision about how to move forward. He could have kept this from you for a lot longer.

 

By the way, you may want to review the last few years in your head. Has there been other indicators? This may not be the 1st OW.

 

Again, sorry to be so negative, but when there's smoke, there's usually fire.

[freestyle]

DO NOT CONFRONT IMMEDIATELY!!!!

 

 

Please follow Spark's advice---she's been there.And she's one of the smartest posters here.

 

As much as it's tearing you up, and you're probably dying to confront him....................

 

Your smartest move is to play dumb until you have concrete evidence,,you may need it in court, if you go that route.

 

Make extra copies, and don't store them all in the house, either leave a set with a trusted friend or family member, or get yourself a P.O.Box that only you can access.

 

Also, quit putting money into joint accounts, effective immediately, start an account of your own, if you don't already have one. It's possible that joint marital funds have been used to finance their "encounters"---dinners,drinks, motel rooms, etc.(which, by the way, depending on where you live, you can sue the OW for recovery, if that was half YOUR money.Check your state laws.)

 

Once you get your ducks in a row---then confront him......

 

It's vitally important to your well-being that you go into self-protection mode right now, your H does NOT have your back, he's been maneuvering behind it.

 

Taking the steps that Spark and I both recommended will protect you financially, and more importantly, it will give you a sense of empowerment..(I"m guessing you're feeling pretty helpless right now, along with the whirlwind of emotions you're going through)

 

This means you're going to have to be an amazing actress for a few days, but you'll be glad you did...........

[curly]

It is good advice that Spark and freestyle offer. Immediate confrontation will not allow bwife the opportunity to gather more evidence. But I can't imagine bwife being able to handle life with this man for very long without the confrontation (d-day).

 

This is a bad situation for bwife and she won't get the answers she wants without confronting him. I agree that gathering evidence is crucial. He will attempt many lies and with just the info she has now, he won't give her the answers. She needs more ammo. But once she has that, d-day must begin.

 

As a former OW, I would also suggest confronting the OW right after that. She needs to see that the H is married to a real person, not just an idea. The BW was just a idea with no real feelings for me for a long time. Make sure the OW knows you are real and just as duped by this man as she feels. She may just go away and leave you both to deal with the fall out alone.

 

Good luck, bwife.

[freestyle]

It is good advice that Spark and freestyle offer. Immediate confrontation will not allow bwife the opportunity to gather more evidence. But I can't imagine bwife being able to handle life with this man for very long without the confrontation (d-day).

 

This is a bad situation for bwife and she won't get the answers she wants without confronting him. I agree that gathering evidence is crucial. He will attempt many lies and with just the info she has now, he won't give her the answers. She needs more ammo. But once she has that, d-day must begin.

 

As a former OW, I would also suggest confronting the OW right after that. She needs to see that the H is married to a real person, not just an idea. The BW was just a idea with no real feelings for me for a long time. Make sure the OW knows you are real and just as duped by this man as she feels. She may just go away and leave you both to deal with the fall out alone.

 

Good luck, bwife.

 

I'm not advising her to wait indefinitely, hopefully she can gather& copy evidence within a few days, or a week at the most.

 

It really is a good way for her to feel somewhat in control after having the rug pulled out from under her.

 

I have mixed feelings about confronting the OW---depends on whether or not she's a bunny boiler---the OP will need more info about her. In some cases, NC with the OW is sufficient.

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.But Im glad you know I never got what I needed to prove it.I think you should try to get solid proof because

some lie even when caught.I don't know if you can afford a PI but do any thing you can for the prove you need.What a horrible hurt know that you can come here anytime to talk and I hope the best for you.

[Owl]

I'd agree...hold off on taking action, and spend your time gathering intel.

 

And...begin working through what you want as an outcome of all of this.

 

Do you think your H can change to become the man you need him to be? Your initial post didn't sound encouraging to me. If not...then you probably should be seriously considering divorce. If so...then you need to choose between reconciliation and divorce.

 

No pressure to make that choice at this moment...but you need to make that choice sometime in the near future, so that you can start planning out the steps you need to take to reach your goals.

 

Already have in mind what you want to do when you eventually confront him. Remember...you're the one with all the 'power' here...not him. Don't let him try to take charge...YOU be the one steering the bus. Just pick your direction first, and have a roadmap to get you to where you want to go.

[bwife]

It is so recent, I honestly don't know what to do. The only question that keeps floating around in my brain is if this is serious. I could forgive a sexual affair and go to counseling. But the way he sounded so respectful of her feelings - even his tone of voice was different with her -, the way he was trying to appease her, I wanted to die. He even said that the fact that they can't see each other a lot is not fair to HER. Fair to her?? That's what he's worried about? Is it possible for her to be just a roll in the hay when he's treating her like this? I don't get half of that kind of concern.

 

I was surprised when she said she wanted to end it and he agreed. Then he said "I don't mean you any harm, and if this is going to upset you this much, I never want to be responsible for that. I have no control over how busy I am at work, and I can't control how you feel.", but then he changed his mind and said, probably three times, that they should keep talking about it once he gets back. He very clearly didn't want it to end. And I keep thinking that if this was about him being willing to drop her b/c of pressure, he would have said "Fine, have a nice life". But he didn't. He doesn't want to let her go.

 

I'm sorry for rambling. But from the way he was speaking to her, how concerned he sounded, how long it's been happening, I just have this feeling that he cares for her, and I guess I just want other people's opinions on it, since I'm not trusting my own judgment right now, my brain is pretty much fried...

[torranceshipman]

It is so recent, I honestly don't know what to do. The only question that keeps floating around in my brain is if this is serious. I could forgive a sexual affair and go to counseling. But the way he sounded so respectful of her feelings - even his tone of voice was different with her -, the way he was trying to appease her, I wanted to die. He even said that the fact that they can't see each other a lot is not fair to HER. Fair to her?? That's what he's worried about? Is it possible for her to be just a roll in the hay when he's treating her like this? I don't get half of that kind of concern.

 

I was surprised when she said she wanted to end it and he agreed. Then he said "I don't mean you any harm, and if this is going to upset you this much, I never want to be responsible for that. I have no control over how busy I am at work, and I can't control how you feel.", but then he changed his mind and said, probably three times, that they should keep talking about it once he gets back. He very clearly didn't want it to end. And I keep thinking that if this was about him being willing to drop her b/c of pressure, he would have said "Fine, have a nice life". But he didn't. He doesn't want to let her go.

 

I'm sorry for rambling. But from the way he was speaking to her, how concerned he sounded, how long it's been happening, I just have this feeling that he cares for her, and I guess I just want other people's opinions on it, since I'm not trusting my own judgment right now, my brain is pretty much fried...

 

So, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. To be honest he sounds like the absolute classic cake eater guy...he is being nice to her so the sex can continue, but seems to have no actual interest in her feelings (else he wouldn't try to maintain some kind of contact to keep her in the picture, whilst at the same time offering her nothing - he wants to stay with you - so he just gives her wishy washy statements of 'wanting to keep in contact'). This is completely the case as in the middle of a conversation where the woman was clearly emotional, he started trying to get himself off with some dirty talk (VERY insensitive!!). And heck, what does he care what he says...if they are that on and off then clearly he's pretty arrogant/confident about the fact that she will come back whatever he says.

 

Sorry to say this but I think he is just sniffing around her like a bit of a dirty dog to keep the sex going, saying whatever so that she will still oblige him, and skulking around silently at home so that he gets to keep you too.

 

Dont pressure yourself into making a decision one way or another - its a big shock for you but I agree with other posters - if you can, keep records...

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

Don't focus on whether or not there are feelings involved.

 

Focus instead on the fact that he deliberately, intentionally, and purposely is betraying you at every turn...and has done so successfully for the last year.

 

He's a skilled liar, with his only agenda being what feels good for him.

 

You'll never know the truth. Point blank. You can ask, but since you know he's a skilled liar, there'll never be a way for you to PROVE this one way or another.

 

Unless....you insist that he take a polygraph test.

 

That's the only way that you could ever know if he told you the truth or not.

 

Tell him that unless he takes the polygraph and passes it...the relationship is OVER.

 

Since you know you can't forgive a PA...you have nothing to lose by going this route, right?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

to be honest he sounds like the absolute classic cake eater guy...he is being nice to her so the sex can continue, but seems to have no actual interest in her feelings (else he wouldn't try to maintain some kind of contact to keep her in the picture, whilst at the same time offering her nothing - he wants to stay with you - so he just gives her wishy washy statements of 'wanting to keep in contact'). This is completely the case as in the middle of a conversation where the woman was clearly emotional, he started trying to get himself off with some dirty talk (VERY insensitive!!). And heck, what does he care what he says...if they are that on and off then clearly he's pretty arrogant/confident about the fact that she will come back whatever he says.

 

Again, So sorry you're going through this. I agree with the other posters to keep it to yourself for a while. NO, it doesn't sound serious at all if you are asking if he is in love with her. What's serious is that your H might not be the stand up guy you think he is. If he's risking all of this, and playing with her feelings simply so that he can have his ego stroked then he's got some serious problems.

 

Keep it under your hat, put a digital recorder in his car, start checking the numbers on cell phones if you can get records, ect... And take care of yourself. I kn ow what a complete blow something like this is, its just that if anyone who's been there has anything to say its, no matter how hard it is, keep your head, and get the full story and protect yourself (JUST INCASE). He can't explain it away, he can't REALLY stop your hurt. You have the information, and it is what it is. I guess you know this somewhat, though because you state how odd it is for him to care about someone elses feelings. He doesn't by the way, other than his own, it was simply manipulation on his part.

[Jilly Bean]

OP - it sounds like you're bargaining. Like if he only had sex with her x times, and didn't love her, you could forgive him. But, could you really forgive a husband who has been carrying on with another woman for over a year and deceiving you so?

 

Owl is right - his emotions or frequency of sex isn't the issue.

 

It's the fact that he's betrayed you and lied to you all this time. THAT would be unforgiveable to me.

 

Act accordingly...

[LadyKyra]

OP - it sounds like you're bargaining. Like if he only had sex with her x times, and didn't love her, you could forgive him. But, could you really forgive a husband who has been carrying on with another woman for over a year and deceiving you so?

 

Owl is right - his emotions or frequency of sex isn't the issue.

 

It's the fact that he's betrayed you and lied to you all this time. THAT would be unforgiveable to me.

 

Act accordingly...

 

Absolutely. As I was reading the thread, and so many of you are advising bwife to obtain evidence. To what end? I feel that is torture, plain and simple. As a lady who has 'survived' (read: GOT OUT OF) a cheating marriage, I can tell you...emotions very rarely have anything to do with cheating. Cheating is cheating, plain and simple. Why spend another x-amount of months drudging up 'evidence'...when this man is a selfish liar? Bwife, you have all the evidence YOU need to make your informed decision.

 

All the best to you, search deep inside - your answers ARE there. <3

Edited July 22, 2010 by LadyKyra

[SpanksTheMonkey]

 

My head is spinning right now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to grasp if this is something serious or not. I never thought he could do this to me. If any of you have some insight, please share.

 

Im so sorry that is insane I don't know how you contained yourself listing to that rubbish he cheated on you for a year with another women yes its very serious.

[torranceshipman]

I'm actually with Lady Kyra on this - I'd ask him to move out, period.

 

Although maybe the other posters were advising you to get evidence in case of a D scenario?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It takes a lot of "evidence" to convince someone of what they least in this world want to believe. He will gaslight her and play on that. To an outsider it may be completely obvious that what he wants is his marriage and some fun on the side. He will start gaslighting and projecting as soon as she confronts him and will most likely use the fact that she is hurt and horrified against her and to his advantage.

 

So, apart from reasons to gather proof for use incase of a D she needs it for her own piece of mind and so that she knows the whole truth.

[Confused4Now]

Absolutely. As I was reading the thread, and so many of you are advising bwife to obtain evidence. To what end? I feel that is torture, plain and simple. As a lady who has 'survived' (read: GOT OUT OF) a cheating marriage, I can tell you...emotions very rarely have anything to do with cheating. Cheating is cheating, plain and simple. Why spend another x-amount of months drudging up 'evidence'...when this man is a selfish liar? Bwife, you have all the evidence YOU need to make your informed decision.

 

All the best to you, search deep inside - your answers ARE there. <3

At the end of the day this is a true statement. You have a tough road ahead of yourself....I'm sorry.

[woinlove]

It is extremely painful knowing that your husband has had sex with the OW, been involved (off and on) for a year, and still waiting to confront while collecting more evidence. Only you, bwife, can decide if you can go this route now. As others mention, the reasons for collecting evidence include for use in the event of divorce, to keep your sanity when your H outright lies and tries to confuse you and/or make you think you are crazy after you confront him, and also to know the extent of his lying, which might be important in helping you decide whether to attempt to reconcile and rebuild your marriage or to divorce. If you do decide to confront him now, the most likely scenario is that he will only admit to what he absolutely has to based on that one conversation. Or he may even admit to less and say he and/or the OW were lying or you misheard.

[Crazy Magnet]

I too suggest collecting evidence. It only took me about two days to uncover the trail of bank accounts with transaction records, credit card statements, internet sex accounts, phone records, emails, etc. By the time I was done "collecting" information I had a 2 inch three ring binder STUFFED full. I still have it. It reminds me of the trash I booted out.

 

What I did with my evidence (I kept it all hidden) was approach him with it one lie at a time. I would ask what his last paycheck was. Then when he lied I would produce the photocopy of his check and ask why he lied. Then I would ask if he had another bank account. When he lied I brought out the numbers to the accounts and the transactions. When I asked if he had cheated on me or had profiles up on sex sites I would bring out PRINTED copies of emails and profiles (with pics of his dick nonetheless...I went all out in my search).

 

I once tried to confront him on something without evidence (an email) and he "accidently" deleted it and took the "I was crazy and made it all up" approach. I strongly suggest evidence when dealing with deception of this magnitude.

 

What my approach did for me was solidify how big of an @!$%& he really was. I was able to visually see how much he was willing to lie right to my face over and over and over. It hurt like hell. I wanted to crumble and die on the spot by the time I was done. It left me a shell of a human for years. But there I had it. Hard, in my face, evidence of what a loser he really was. I am a much stronger person now for facing it head on and not letting him squirm away. And it decided my path for me and gave me the resolve to stick to it.

[Mimolicious]

When I learned of my H's cheating, I wasn't worried at all about how he felt about any of them. It wasn't even in the top ten things I was upset about.

 

The call as you've described does not indicate how long they have been together.

 

Are you the OW?

 

 

Him: "If this is upsetting to you, then I agree. I don't see my schedule changing and I think I set up the wrong expectations for you. We've been doing this for a year now but my life is nonstop busy. I'm the breadwinner, there are a lot of people losing their jobs here, I can't just leave the office in the middle of the day for 3 or 4 hours..."

 

I gotta admit that I have mixed feelings about this as well because of this...

 

I can't remember too much about the conversation but from what was said, they've been breaking up and getting back together for a whole year. Apparently, she had emailed him asking to meet and talk in person, and I think I caught them in the beginning of the conversation, because this is what I heard (there was more, but this is what I can remember):

 

Sounds like you remembered a lot. Well, to the point. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. The real question here is: What do you want to do? If you don't want to deal with this kind of behavior, then tell your H to get the hell out. Why the compiling evidence while you're shortly dying inside?

[spriggig]

Absolutely. As I was reading the thread, and so many of you are advising bwife to obtain evidence. To what end? I feel that is torture, plain and simple.

 

She still loves him, that doesn't just go away once the affair is revealed--even if it seems like it should. Evidence, especially the graphic kind, can provide the impetus needed to take the next step toward separation. This is from personal experience.

[Scrivdog]

I have a different read on that conversation:

 

1) She's got feelings for him and is pissed off she can't see him more often. She's pressuring him to give more.

 

2) He enjoys sex with her and doesn't want the affair to end, but he's also not willing to disrupt his life for her, either.

 

3) I bet sooner that later, if he keeps it up with her, she's going to blow a fuse and either reveal all to the wife (you) or boil a pet (hide the bunnies).

 

It's my guess that once the affair is revealed - he'll wash his hands of her.

[NoIDidn't]

I have a different read on that conversation:

 

1) She's got feelings for him and is pissed off she can't see him more often. She's pressuring him to give more.

 

2) He enjoys sex with her and doesn't want the affair to end, but he's also not willing to disrupt his life for her, either.

 

3) I bet sooner that later, if he keeps it up with her, she's going to blow a fuse and either reveal all to the wife (you) or boil a pet (hide the bunnies).

 

It's my guess that once the affair is revealed - he'll wash his hands of her.

 

I agree.

 

I disagree with the advice to not confront him. This guy obviously doesn't want this OW longterm, so if she confronts, he'll likely end up seeing the OW less. Which will piss off the OW more and likely make this OW reveal the A (especially if she knows a d-day happened and that's why she's getting less attention than usual).

 

Get some firm support behind you, OP, and confront him.