NC from ex for 1 month

[everybodyknows]

My ex and I broke up after almost 2 years of being together about a month ago. It was over family issues, his family wasn't exactly the kindest to me, but I have always respected them. After one very hurtful incident, I was so angry the next day, I called him and discussed the possibility of breaking up, and he told me that "his family will never change" and that I should "think it over". I asked him if that was it, if he didn't have another solution. I didn't want to change them, I just wanted him to be there for me, to protect my feelings, but I made the rash (and probably right, i'm still struggling with this) decision of telling him that I wanted to break up.

 

The day after I felt like I made a huge mistake, in the following days, instead of NC which is probably what I should have done, I did the embarassing needy ex thing. Text message terrorism, drunk dialing, desperate pleas for him to get back together with me. I did the whole Aaliyah 4 page letter thing, and poured my entire heart and soul out like an idiot. I have never been able to go NC for very long. Each time it is about 6/7 days, before I drunkenly text him or call him at 4 or 5 in the morning. After the initial talks over the weekend, ne never picked up, or texts back, he is very vigilant and great with NC. I know he is making conscious effort to move on (as am I, i swear i'm not clinging to him desperately, please keep reading!) His number is burned into my brain. It is shameful, emabarassing and I know it makes me look like an idiot.

 

I think the most painful part is over. I realized this weekend I hit rock bottom. My body was tired of the constant partying to "get over him" and I had been crying everyday for about a week. But, for some reason, I do NOT know how, I finally accepted that it's over (but not really, i will get to this, i'm confused myself). I finally realized I have done and said everything I could to amend this situation. I gave my best effort, and I can go on knowing that even though I initiated the break up, I know that my future dodged a huge bullet. These past two days have been "almost" peaceful for me. He still crosses my mind about 50% of the time, but the anxiousness has gone away. The depression when I wake up in the morning is minimal and i feel like I can carry on conversation without bringing him up. I no longer think about it as NC, I have some how found some sort of strange resolve to stop embarassing myself and really just try to heal. This is great and all, but I'm still struggling with myself.

 

I have been seeing a counselor since about day 4 of the break up. She has made me understand A LOT about our relationship. She has also made me realize how great we were together and great we WOULD have been together had we just been in a world where his family doesn't exist. We had a very strong relationship, it wasn't always like that, it took A LOT of time and energy, but it was so very worth it. It has been a month now and I am truthfully and honestly able to say that the time that we lived together (the last 6 months) were the happiest 6 months I've ever had. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how he felt so lucky to have me in his life. I believe that both he and I were 100% sincere. I've written down countless lists of why we can't be together, why our relationship can never work. With every week I can see more of our shortcomings, mine, his and ours together. My counselor says i have a really hard time because the relationship was ruined by his incapability to detach himself from his mother, or even be independent from her. There's no way he would have been able to stand up for me. I think my heartache stems from the fact that before counseling, I didn't understand what he needed from me, and he could have never told me. It is the first time I have dealt with someone's parents in this capacity. The last time I TRULY tried to reach out to him, with my counselor's suggestion, i wrote him a short letter (not the 6 page monstrosity i wrote earlier on) explaining I understood his position, that I was sorry for hurting him so badly, and that I finally understood what he needed from me, and that I accepted the blame for how things turned out.

 

We planned our future together. Really planned it, and were taking the first steps to making it happen. We talked about financials, time line for engagement and marriage, we had two dogs together, parenting styles, and religion. We really thought and talked it through. I truly thought that he was the one for me. I now know that we're not together, it doesn't matter why he won't call me or why he wouldn't give me the closure I craved so badly those first two weeks.

 

But, I just can't help but think that after all of the love and time we put in this together, that he will cool off after a certain period of time, realize that this is worth saving and call me one day, and we can start over. But let me emphasize that I am not delusional with a bunch of blind hpoe, i know it is a FANTASY that just replays in my head daily. I know that in the long run, a month is nothing when it comes to healing over a long term relationship, but I don't know if this is a sign of me being unable to let go. I feel like I've made such great progress from even last week. But, every part of me knows that if he were to ask me to try again, I would do it in a second. Family is for your entire life, and I guess I learned too late what I am willing to give in a relationship. It is so hard to see from within it what a partner wants from you when they can't even vocalize it themselves. He's completely shut down, his best friends wives and girlfriends who know us, have reached out to me in attempt to find out whether i'm okay, and also find out what happened. I'm going to continue moving on, because I know that is what i am supposed to and meant to do. How do I let go of hope that he will come to his senses. "hope is the denial of reality." I know that in the real world, this quote does not apply, but I have tried to make it my mantra for the last month, because having that hope in my heart made it so hard to move on. it wasn't until i let go of it to a degree somehow this last week that the pain has lessened.

 

sorry this is so long, its been in my head for a while, i've just been afraid to post it all because its so personal. i posted this here in "second chances" because i am obviously still really conflicted about everything. no one knows what he's thinking, only he does. but, i'm looking for insight and advice from anywhere and anyone at this point.

[BrokenHeartedSoul]

this sounds like a repeat of my breakup...it hurts soooo much. im trying to come to terms with the concept that it's over...and it SUCKS!!!

[Trovador]

So, basically are you saying that after a month you don't feel any better?