In regards to your past

[TheDingo]

Hi I haven't been hear for so long. It has been a long year.

 

I've been dating my new g/f since mid April. The issue is she doesn't know I once cheated on my ex (my last relationship) and never plan on doing this to her nor other women.

 

I was given a second chance to start new with her but should this be mentioned to her? She did asked about my past but I haven't told her my past cheating nor how this played a role later on towards our break-up.

 

Another issue is she's a virgin so this makes it a bit harder. How are you suppose tell this sort of past to a virgin? This will place doubts within her and it'll probably not be the same.

 

This is my first time I'm actually dating a virgin woman. In my younger years, I would have turned her down due to the reason that most of them become emotionally attach, you can't talk the same way to a virgin woman as you would one who isn't (meaning you can't be too straight forward) and I didn't wanted to deal with this.

 

Do I have to tell about this later on or never mention it. I don't want to start my new relationship with lies nor secrets. Do not want to be the selfish jerk from last year.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi I haven't been hear for so long. It has been a long year.

 

I've been dating my new g/f since mid April. The issue is she doesn't know I once cheated on my ex (my last relationship) and never plan on doing this to her nor other women.

 

so does this mean you did plan to cheat on your X?

 

 

I was given a second chance to start new with her but should this be mentioned to her?

 

well, you know, I wouldn't be able to get close to anyone if I found out they cheated.

 

but I do believe the past isn't something you just "bring up"

 

 

 

She did asked about my past but I haven't told her my past cheating nor how this played a role later on towards our break-up.

 

unless she specifically asked if you cheated on anyone, no reason to bring it up.

 

again, I have mixed emotions on this. while I believe the past is the past, there are some things in someone's past that I wouldn't be able to overlook if it ever came to light

 

 

 

Do I have to tell about this later

 

only if she specifically asks.

[Kinder-Horror]

I just started a thread about this too. I am sort of in the same boat as you

 

Except my relationship isn't new... but I feel like my subconscious is constantly punishing me for my past infidelity. I dream about it multiple times a week and I am starting to wonder if its because I haven't told my bf... I dont know

[TheDingo]

so does this mean you did plan to cheat on your X?

No we tried to work it out but in the end, she met up with an ex from high school while going out for a couple of drinks with friends. From then on she started having an emotional affair with him (they had been talking about intimate stuff, our former relationship and cybering online) and dumped me on the starting of March. I never really saw this coming due to her quiet, passive nature. Her expression was empty and stoic when doing the break up. The worst part is she started comparing me to him. It was horrible.

It's bad enough to cheat and not even be one bit remorseful about it but to get compared to an ex or told how you're terribly during intimacy?

 

That's that and I'm now focusing on my current relationship. I want to be a better boyfriend to her than what how I was to my ex.

[make me believe]

That's that and I'm now focusing on my current relationship. I want to be a better boyfriend to her than what how I was to my ex.

 

Great!! You should focus on that. Leave the past behind. There's no reason to tell your girlfriend that you cheated on your ex. It WILL make her paranoid and mistrustful of you, no matter how you spin it. Especially since she's inexperienced (I'm assuming that since she's a virgin she also doesn't have a lot of relationship experience), this will make her insecure & I just think it'll bring a lot of unnecessary negativity to your relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of people cheat. But most people learn from it, move on, and don't repeat their actions. Still, there probably aren't a lot of people who can hear something like that about their SO and not have it affect them negatively, even if the person has changed & regrets it & all that stuff.

 

You aren't obligated to tell your new girlfriend EVERYTHING about your past. My last relationship also ended because of me cheating. I feel horrible about it & it definitely taught me a lesson. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and I've never told him about it, nor do I feel particularly guilty for not telling him. It's never come up between us. If your girlfriend asks you straight out, I'd say be honest with her. But unless that happens (and it hasn't happened in my relationship), just keep it to yourself & don't dwell on it.

[TheDingo]

Thank you for your reply make_me_believe. The conversation of whether I cheated hasn't come up so far (thanks goodness) and hopefully it stays that way. My current girlfriend hasn't had any experience at all. I was the only man she ever kissed.

This sort of feels like going back in time, before I decided to get stupid and cheat on my ex. I know it's pointless making this comparison but I'm starting new and so it feels that way. I got what I deserve in the end because months later, she cheated back.

[truelovedoesnthurt]

i agree, i dont think you need to tell her...

 

its not about who you were THEN its about the person you are NOW

[LSNoob]

Great!! You should focus on that. Leave the past behind. There's no reason to tell your girlfriend that you cheated on your ex.

 

Why are you telling someone to lie to their SO? That is wrong. This is how relationships are killed. This is the reason why no body respects and values relationships/marriages anymore. It's because people like you tell others its ok to lie as long as its benefiting the relationship. It is about HONESTY god damn it.

 

It WILL make her paranoid and mistrustful of you, no matter how you spin it.

 

That's a normal reaction. Everyone will be paranoid and mistrustful of cheaters. But that doesn't mean he should lie about the fact he's a cheater ( a person who's capable of cheating ) so she can trust him. So he's lying to get her trust? That's not a real trust, don't you think? More like trying to gain control of the relationship to make it go your advantage.

 

this will make her insecure & I just think it'll bring a lot of unnecessary negativity to your relationship.

 

Well, should have thought about that one when he was enjoying the sex while his gf is home thinking about him. Of course you get negativity in your relationship, what did he think he will get?? A medal of honor?

 

Unfortunately, a lot of people cheat.

 

Please when you say "a lot", be more specific. A lot where? In US/UK, yea I agree. In eastern society and most parts of Europe? Nope, hardly any cheats.

 

But most people learn from it, move on, and don't repeat their actions.

 

Of course they move on, not like they felt any pain of the betrayed ones ( I know I know, cheaters always come crying " OHHH I'M SO SORRYYY I LOVE YOU", yea right, you love him/her. Where was that "love" when you were banging/getting-banged?). They had sex, had an orgasm and got a ticket out of relationship. "Don't repeat their actions", woooow listen evryone, the cheaters are doing us a huge favor and not repeating their actions (THANK YOU GUYS ^_^ we LOVE you). You didn't have to make someone go through the pain in the first place. But you still did it and didn't care.

 

Still, there probably aren't a lot of people who can hear something like that about their SO and not have it affect them negatively, even if the person has changed & regrets it & all that stuff.

 

Again, the negativity, what did you expect? The cheater damn well knew he/she wasn't getting the medal of honor, but they still did it. And for the

"changed & regrets" part, what do you mean they regret it? The cheater wanted to cheat to have a good time and just didn't care about the people that loved him/her. They just went and cheated, because it feels good. Now we all know you never regret good things .

 

You aren't obligated to tell your new girlfriend EVERYTHING about your past.

 

Yes, you are right not "EVERYTHING". Don't need to tell her what you do with your morning wood, or what you do with the booger when you pick your nose or if you smell your fart or not. Don't tell her those. But, when it comes to relationship, girlfriend and cheating and the fact that you are a cheater and in a relationship with your girlfriend... errrr hello, and of course this doesn't belong in the "EVERYTHING" category, it belongs in the MOST important thing category. She have to know your true colors and what you are capable of doing. It's up to her to chose if she wants to trust a cheater or not, it's not your choice. I know you won't cheat again, but let her make the choice, you are being controlling and taking powers of your GF.

 

My last relationship also ended because of me cheating.

 

Oh boy... oh dear. That's why you want him to lie. Can you do me a favor and I want all cheaters to read this and f***ing GET IT IN YOUR HEAD ( sorry and excuse me for my language for this one ). If you cheat and you really do wanna change and all. Please that's what we want for you, to be a better person, so go ahead and change and enjoy your life. DON'T bash your self for life, no, we want you to enjoy your life. Forgive yourself and be happy. But can you not give advice to people please? Because cheaters keep polluting the society and giving the new comers the wrong directions. So if you can enjoy a nice warm cup of STFU, that will be very nice and kind of you.

 

I feel horrible about it & it definitely taught me a lesson.

 

But there was no lesson to be taught in the first place. You cheated because that's what you liked, that's what you wanted. It's because in society that's unacceptable and can't go have fun and orgasms at the expense of your bf's pain and misery. You prob just didn't want to break up with your bf at that time, but you didn't wanna be with him and wanted to go explore new areas ( c0cks lol ) so what you did was simple. You used him, he's your security and comfort till you find what you looking for.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and I've never told him about it

 

Why not? So lets say you were raped before, and your current bf used to live in small town when and he sexual assaulted few local women there. Will you want him to tell you? And yes, cheating is just like sexual assault. It's abuse, but diff kind of abuse. But it's still abusive behavior. Your bf needs to know what kinda heart you have. He needs to know you have a heart full of love and the other half is toxic. You are capable of getting pleasure out of your SO's pain and misery. That is sick and disgusting, you disgust me.

 

, nor do I feel particularly guilty for not telling him.

 

If you didn't feel guilty when you thought about your bf when you were bending over for the OM, do you really think you will feel guilty about this one??

 

It's never come up between us. If your girlfriend asks you straight out, I'd say be honest with her. But unless that happens (and it hasn't happened in my relationship)

 

See its same thing. So if you don't ask your bf "have you raped someone before" does that mean he have the right to keep this away from you??? Dating is about opening up the books, laying down all the papers on table, so both parties know who they are dealing with. When you keep this information away from him, you are not showing this paper to your SO, you are making decisions for the relationship by yourself, not with your SO. That's disrespectful. Why you telling him not to respect his woman?

 

just keep it to yourself & don't dwell on it.

 

How can you say such thing? Of course he is not going to dwell on it, cheaters don't dwell on things. They just get caught with the emotions when they see the pain their SO going through, so they start crying. But when things calm down and they leave their SO wounded for the rest of his/her life, they will forget everything and carry on with their life. In time this story will change to their benefits later on in life and they will start bragging about it.

 

Hope ,one day, you realize what you are missing on in life. Hope, one day, you and OP both understand what love, honesty, faithfulness and loyalty is.

[LSNoob]

i agree, i dont think you need to tell her...

 

its not about who you were THEN its about the person you are NOW

 

What do you mean? He is a person that is capable of cheating. What you mean he is different now? How can an apple today be an orange tomorrow?

[liveit]

Because sooner or later it will reveal itself and the longer you wait the more it will hurt her. Tell her how ashamed you are of some of your past deeds and how you're trying to better yourself. Reassure her that the women you were with previously mean nothing to you anymore. Never EVER compare her unfavorably to anyone from your past. If you still have emotional baggage from these previous relationships then you need to work through it on your own without depending on your new girlfriend. You need to figure out the real reasons why you cheated, make peace with yourself and genuinely put it behind you. Otherwise you are eventually going to drag your new GF into an unresolved mess. She trusts you now and you are taking advantage of that trust by not telling her. Respect her and tell her now before you have too much history. You obviously care and want to do the right thing or you wouldn't have posted this question so I really wish you well.

[AverageJoe]

Why oh why do people feel the need to express their past baggage, or even inquire about it from someone else? If someone asks me about my past, I politely decline the request and explain its none of your business. If the issue is pressed again, im out. Big red flag.

 

For whatever reason people feel the need to press the rewind button on the past. Nothing good can ever come of it.

[LSNoob]

Why oh why do people feel the need to express their past baggage, or even inquire about it from someone else? If someone asks me about my past, I politely decline the request and explain its none of your business. If the issue is pressed again, im out. Big red flag.

 

For whatever reason people feel the need to press the rewind button on the past. Nothing good can ever come of it.

 

But that's lying if you don't tell her that you are a cheater or not. Finding out the person you are dating is a cheater is a VERY BIG deal to a lot of people. Not everyone will be comfortable with their partner being a cheater. Some people will not want to be in a relationship with a cheater.

 

What you have to do when you are dating is, you put every thing out on the table, if your date is interested he/she will carry on with the relationship, if they disapprove of your past behaviors then too bad and better luck next time.

 

You must never lie to give a different image of yourself to get what you want. When you know if you were honest about it you might not get it.

 

You are confusing the unimportant past with the important parts in the past that have an impact on the present and future, and those should always be told with honesty and truthfully. Good luck.

[TheDingo]

Why are you telling someone to lie to their SO?

How is not telling if the question hasn't come up yet lying? It would a major difference if my g/f were to directly ask ''Have you ever cheated'' and I were to reply no vs not mentioning it if she doesn't ask.

If this comes up then I'll be honest about it.

Well, should have thought about that one when he was enjoying the sex while his gf is home thinking about him. Of course you get negativity in your relationship, what did he think he will get?? A medal of honor?

I have been thinking about this all the time and it'll forever stay in my mind. What exactly you want me to do, keep beating myself about it? I can't go back in time and undo the burden I once placed on my now ex g/f.

Of course they move on, not like they felt any pain of the betrayed ones ( I know I know, cheaters always come crying " OHHH I'M SO SORRYYY I LOVE YOU", yea right, you love him/her.

Wrong I've on both sides of the fence so I know what being betrayed felt like. My ex end up cheating later on too though IMO it was deserved (can't really blame her for getting back at me).

 

I'm going to ignore the rest as it's irrelevant and you've stated the same thing repetitive times.

Edited August 8, 2010 by TheDingo

[Eeyore79]

I have cheated in the past, though I am more mature now and wouldn't do it again. I told my ex about my past because I wanted to be honest, but it just made him paranoid. When we split up, he advised me that if I definitely won't do it again then I shouldn't tell future bfs about it, as apparently it made him really worried and untrusting... he said if it isn't an issue in the present then he'd rather not have known, as it just made him unnecessarily paranoid and upset.

 

I don't see the point of screwing with someone's mind unnecessarily and creating issues where there are none; there are many things in my past which I don't talk about, including my experience of cheating. If my bf had cheated on someone before, I'd rather not know as long as he was sure he'd never do it again.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Eeyore79

[TheDingo]

I don't see the point of screwing with someone's mind unnecessarily and creating issues where there are none; there are many things in my past which I don't talk about, including my experience of cheating. If my bf had cheated on someone before, I'd rather not know as long as he was sure he'd never do it again.

As long as you won't do something like that again, that's what matters. I have learn from this and know what my ex g/f felt since I was a BS too.

I wouldn't want to know about my current g/f's past either but then again, she's a virgin (she's not ready yet but that's alright with me, when you love someone you wait).

The only con in this situation would be if I were to one day reveal how this to her (if she were to asked me directly about it). It's going to be more harder so I would have be careful about it. I wouldn't want her to feel insecure once she's ready.

[LSNoob]

How is not telling if the question hasn't come up yet lying? It would a major difference if my g/f were to directly ask ''Have you ever cheated'' and I were to reply no vs not mentioning it if she doesn't ask.

 

Lying by omission is still lying. She is not supposed to know if you are a killer, a rapist, a robber, a mobster or a cheater. She is assuming you are a decent person.

 

Remember the reason you are scared to tell her about it or not is you know that she might not want to continue the relationship. So you are taking a decision to force her to stay. You are being a controlling freak.

 

I have been thinking about this all the time and it'll forever stay in my mind. What exactly you want me to do, keep beating myself about it? I can't go back in time and undo the burden I once placed on my now ex g/f.

 

Live with the consequences just like how your victims will have to live with the hurtful memories you gave them.

 

Wrong I've on both sides of the fence so I know what being betrayed felt like. My ex end up cheating later on too though IMO it was deserved (can't really blame her for getting back at me).

 

lol:laugh: I read your story. She only said "hey how you been" to her ex or something when she was drunk. Not to mention she met him accidentally. While your cheating was completely different. Your relationship was more than perfect, and you just did it to boost your low self esteem up. And of course your poof ex walked it on you banging the married woman. Yes!!! married woman that is. Don't you have dignity? You just broke a marriage up because of your ignorance and selfishness.

 

So no, your gf didn't cheat on you. You just saying this to give the image "yea, it's okay you cheated in that relationship, because she was a cheater as well". Every cheater will try to find things here and there, its cool.

 

I'm going to ignore the rest as it's irrelevant and you've stated the same thing repetitive times.

 

I'm repeating the same thing over and over and you still don't get it. You need to CHANGE already. Stop being the same old cheating, lying , deceiving donkey boner. Who's only looking after stroking his ego.

 

As long as you won't do something like that again, that's what matters.

 

No that's not what matters. No body knows what happens in the future. But; the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So you need to tell her about your past, you need to tell her about what you are capable off. Not about you trying to be some psychic or something.

 

I have learn from this and know what my ex g/f felt since I was a BS too.

 

Again lol, no you didn't feel the same pain as her. Yours is nothing compare to hers. Those tears you cried were fake to your gf, trying to show her that she hurt you and all that. And you keep saying here on LS because she is a member her as well, and you wishing she reads it.

 

Lastly, I can't believe you slept with that married woman, and destroyed a marriage and killed all hopes of working it out. Yet, you didn't have the guts and balls to walk up to that husband and tell him, or at least drop him an anonymous letter to inform him about his wife. What a spineless snake, what a coward. Should be ashamed of yourself really.

[TheDingo]

Lying by omission is still lying. She is not supposed to know if you are a killer, a rapist, a robber, a mobster or a cheater.

Why are you comparing cheating taking place while in a relationship to criminal acts that can lead to either long-term sentences or life in prison?

Live with the consequences just like how your victims will have to live with the hurtful memories you gave them.

I'm aware there was no excuse for cheating on my ex and you still don't get it. I still wish her the best and hope her b/f treats her better than me. She hates me at this point (rightfully) which I don't blame her either but hopefully she'll one day move on from that horrible pain and forgive me. This doesn't mean getting back with me (if so, I'll reject that offer and tell her how she deserves much better and I wouldn't be able to keep looking at her painful expression knowing what I did) but not withholding grudges because you're only poisoning yourself in doing so. However, I understand if she decides to never forgive me. Again I don't blame her. I still missed her though but what's done is done. I can't never go back in time and undo the damage.

lol:laugh: I read your story. She only said "hey how you been" to her ex or something when she was drunk. Not to mention she met him accidentally. While your cheating was completely different. Your relationship was more than perfect, and you just did it to boost your low self esteem up. And of course your poof ex walked it on you banging the married woman. Yes!!! married woman that is. Don't you have dignity? You just broke a marriage up because of your ignorance and selfishness.

Alright so you were digging up my other threads and yes what I did was horrible but when did I tried to excuse yourself? In regards towards my ex's drunken encounter with her now b/f, they were still in contact online afterwards (and it did went much deeper, not just simple hello texts). She only told part of the story here but I have already forgiven her. I don't hold any ill feelings for her but she does towards me. There is nothing I can do about it. We tried to work it out but it didn't lasted it. I know it was my fault. Are you trying to say I feel no remorse about it at all? I did, still do and will always have this as a reminder to who I hurt, a wonderful and nice woman.

So no, your gf didn't cheat on you. You just saying this to give the image "yea, it's okay you cheated in that relationship, because she was a cheater as well". Every cheater will try to find things here and there, its cool.

So continuing chatting with a then ex online, exchanges explicit texts, talking about our intimacy, trashing about me to him and having online sex (cybering) is not cheating? I assumed she didn't told you about this on her post. The day she broke it off, it had been already planned. It wasn't just this but she also went on ranting how I was terrible in bed. I still forgave her. I'm not the one carrying ill feelings, she is.

I'm repeating the same thing over and over and you still don't get it. You need to CHANGE already. Stop being the same old cheating, lying , deceiving donkey boner. Who's only looking after stroking his ego.

You still don't get it either when I already stated many times that there was no excuse for what I did.

Lastly, I can't believe you slept with that married woman, and destroyed a marriage and killed all hopes of working it out. Yet, you didn't have the guts and balls to walk up to that husband and tell him, or at least drop him an anonymous letter to inform him about his wife. What a spineless snake, what a coward. Should be ashamed of yourself really.

Alright I get your point. Yes I was a selfish coward, yes I was a terrible boyfriend then, yes I caused and yes I do regret it every single day but seriously enough already.

[Sophia8]

I agree with what make_me_believe has said. Yes you have cheated but by the sounds of things you do not want to do this again, I would not tell her. However, if she was to ask you then you have a difficult decision to make. I do not endorse lying but in all honesty if I were to ask a guy I was dating whether he had cheated in a previous relationship, I know what I would want to hear!

[TheDingo]

However, if she was to ask you then you have a difficult decision to make. I do not endorse lying but in all honesty if I were to ask a guy I was dating whether he had cheated in a previous relationship, I know what I would want to hear!

If she was to ask me, then I would be honest about it.

I don't understand why some people waste their time here if they weren't even going to give any advice at all. I'm ignoring degrading posts. They really need to get a life.

[LSNoob]

Never mind man. If you think my posts are degrading then I'm sorry.

 

You seem just don't want to change. The main idea of telling her about your past is you being honest, and making a decision that is favoring your partner and not you. Making a decision without your "loved" ones knowledge, to swing the advantage to your favor (prob so you have sex with her then go to the bar then tell your buddies, "hey dude i pop'd the cherry":laugh:) , is a selfish decision. We all know cheaters are selfish.... blah blah.

 

 

Meh what the hell man. Don't tell her, keep running like a spineless snake. You will never tell her no matter what we say here. Some cowards just don't have the courage and will power to change.