welikeincrowds Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Hi all, I just registered, and this is my first post. So, hi. This year I was, for a brief moment, the OM with an old high school friend of mine. Our relationship has always been flirtatious -- a friend of mine says of her: "her flower is always open" -- but for one night, it became sexual. Afterward, however, instead of feeling jubilant and so on, I felt doubtful, somewhat used, and ultimately unhappy. After a few weeks of various happenings I decided to go NC. It was a tough and confusing decision to make, especially considering our history as high school friends. Yet although I'm still vaguely uncertain -- I had feelings for her, after all -- I am mostly sure that she is not someone that is going to help me on my glorious journey toward adulthood. It has been a little over a month now since Operation North Carolina has been in effect. Here's the problem: 2 weekends from now, I'm going to be spending a few nights at a vacation house, where a friendly reunion will be taking place among my high school buddies. She will be there. Probably with her boyfriend, for better or worse. And that's it. I'm just generally not sure what to do. I don't even know how to phrase a question about it because I'm so unsure. I believe that this is a sort of situation that others here must have had to deal with themselves. What should I know before I go into this? And how should I behave? Note: I don't believe not going is an option. I would be making a lot of my friends unhappy, for one thing. And ultimately the reason I wouldn't be going is to avoid having to deal with her, which is not a good enough reason, I think, to also punish my relationships with my other friends (whom I haven't seen in a while). Of course part of me would like to cancel, especially because having to deal with this has surfaced some of the pain that I felt, pain that was only just recently subsiding into the wonderful past. I'm sure you can all understand how conflicted I've suddenly been made to become. But I don't think I can go back on my NC now, and I don't want to disappoint my friends. Thanks for braving this horrific tl;dr. I wish I wasn't compelled to write any of it...
ngo_ng Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 hi! we're both in the same boat. my Ex's best friend happens to be my best friend's girlfriend. She is organizing a secret birthday party for him this saturday and we're both invited. In fact, we have been together for the past 3 years so we share the same social circle. The break-up was a month ago, we kept seeing each other unofficially until she realized she has feelings for another guy. At which point, I congratulated her on her new found happiness. I am now okay with her seeing him as it makes her happy and she has feelings for him. I believe the feeling is mutual. However, I still can't get over her. Wherever I look there is a memory of her, it is like I'm being strapped to a chair and forced to watch something torturous. In any case, I cannot not go to this party, it's my best friend's birthday!! All I can say is suck it up! I know this is going to kill me but, I have to face it one day or another. I will let you know once the event is done. I feel I will be on this forum for a while after the party :S have courage NG
spriggig Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 You go early and stay late. You behave as a gentleman would. You don't talk to her or him unless they speak to you and then you keep it short, sweet and topical--agree with what they say and move on quickly. You gracefully bow out of any other conversation that involves them. Finally, if you have one particularly close buddy there, let him in on the situation and he can have your back. Rise above.
ngo_ng Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 this is from my post in the second chance section: I can't avoid her altogether. Last week when she was still indecisive between being single, with me or with him, we were still intent in being friends no matter the decision was. Now, I begin to think that being friends at the moment is not the right choice... After the party, I intend to go into Full NC, I still want her back but I don't want false hopes. I plan on mailing her a short hand written letter that I wrote in anticipation or perhaps I'll write a new one that reflects my current thoughts. Basically, I want to tell her that I'm okay with her decision and that I'm happy for her and I will be moving on. I don't want to interfere in her life and I will not be contacting her. One day maybe we can be friends and talk again but not now. I am living a good life now with new experiences, I wish her the same. then go back into NC If she still feels for me and absolutely want me then she will come looking for me no matter what if not well too bad for her I will have become a better man and she would have missed out. Is this the right thing to do? does this convey that I am not needing her anymore but that I would be interested one day to resume a normal platonic conversation? what do you think? as for the letter should it be given at the party to be read at home or should i wait a couple of weeks during NC and then mail it?
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Q. What if I see them in public? A. Read No Foolin's thread on NC (in my signature file). Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't. This is from the 'Caliguy's No Contact Guide' (see the link in my signature....) Read it all, including the links in HIS signature! Hope this helps!!
Author welikeincrowds Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Thanks you guys. I might have to pull out my infamous(ly horrible) poker face, but it will be worth it. It's gonna be a little rough. I'm 95% certain that she's going to try to talk to me about us. I think she has some questions still about why I went NC. Which, honestly, is understandable. It was emotional and partially reflexive, and at the time I didn't have fully-locked-down reasons as to why I needed to cut her out. I guess based on the Caliguy principles, I should keep it short, sweet, and topical. Essentially: "I know what I'm doing." I plan on mailing her a short hand written letter that I wrote in anticipation I don't like this idea. I've had great success writing letters, but never good results from sending them. If you must speak to her, I would keep it verbal. Feelings change, but letters don't.
ngo_ng Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 yes but I don't want to confront her... I don't to be explaining why I am past acceptance but I want NC because I think its the best idea for all parties involved. It is not that I don't have the guts...I do have them believe me! It's just I want to avoid talking too much in order to keep some distance and limit the damage. I am not over her at all. I am past the acceptance point of her choosing another, I just love her still too much to bear.
ngo_ng Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 *copy of my other post* anyway guys, I went to my friends bday party and I saw her and thought I would tell you about the great progress I have by wanting to go forward with NC I saw her yesterday at a friends birthday party. We didn't talk much, i responsed as little as I could, its not as if she is looking to talk to me anyway, she appears to be happy with the man that could give her what i couldnt. The irony is that she was texting him during the whole diner time (and I repeat...at a friends birthday party...what a party pooper) and talking all happy about what her and her newfound guy are about to do together and what he gave her to her friend at the table while I was there and everyone was having a good conversation. She ended up having a girls talk with her friend in the birthday boy's room while everyone else was waiting outside to go to a bar. We waited for the new bf to arrive to pick her up. I will skip the details up until the bar, knowingly that I was there they still proceeded to make out intensely and have their own bubble at ...yes a friends party. I just shake hands talk like nothing fazed me, being happy for them, and being the perfect gentleman. They left earlier, I shook his hand and wished him a safe drive home. She was leaving without saying buy I called out: "Hey there! come here! with a wink kissed her on the cheeks to say goodnight" she looks at me surprised and says "you're so cheesy (or corny)" they go home. My friends congratulate me for being such a gentlemen about the situation even though it must have hurt. I back to my friends place and we talked until sunrise and I had the time of my life just like before the relationship with her. I go back home and go on facebook to organize something for today. I just somehow decided to go on her page and guess what? The boyfriend sends her: "Don't get angry at douchebags and *******s, they exist so the world can appreciate more people like me"I laughed so hard knowing he was talking about me. While I was the perfect gentleman and they were being inappropriate for a friends birthday I got blamed for being an ass. Which means that on the way back she was upset about me although it was her decision to leave me. I was going to return her stuff, they were in my car's trunk but then I saw that there was no more reason to do so. I'm finally free to move on after seeing the level of respect she has for me and my friends. Although she says she loves him, and he pulled a dick move to get her, he ends up being a rebound and he will have to live in my shadow and she clearly isn't over me totally. I am having the time of my life meeting new people and seeing old friends, after the party I went to a friends house and we talked on the balcony until sunrise, something we did before my relationship with her. It felt the old days again. I felt so good knowing that I can forget about someone although I know I love her. If she dumps me to go with another guy and feels remorse, too bad for her. I did everything she wanted to make things work albeit a bit too late in the relationship and she decides to chose him the next few days. I wish her well, but I am too good to live in the shadows. Before going on my 4-5 months exchange studies in Hong Kong, I will meet up with her at a christmas party and ask her:"so how does it feel to be in a perfect relationship?" by then his flaws will show and I can't wait for the reply because I won't affect my having fun abroad All I wanted was to be the man in her life and be happy with her. That has been denied, so I wanted to be friends, she doesnt show much care for me, so all there is left is that I be happy without her and she will realize that I was sincere about being the change she always wanted me to be. Enough doing things for her, it's time to do thing for me I hope you get the answer you need when you do see her (let it be to let go, reconcile, or whatever but in any case dont give up hope
Author welikeincrowds Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 So the weekend's coming up! Maybe it's time for a pregame update. I'm so grateful to have a place like this where I can share these feelings. Ngo_ng, your post was inspirational for me. I was impressed by your ability to appear so casual in what we both knew would be a difficult situation. The key for me was that you didn't fear showing her friendly affection. I found that powerful, as I was briefly laboring over things like "whether or not to let her hug me". Now I see that there's no reason to worry about any of that, as it's not about "letting her" do this or that, it's about staying in control of your life and actions. It was clear from your post that, although it may have been difficult, you were in control the whole time. In a way, I've sort of forgiven her. My outlook lately has been super positive; my decision to cut her out has made me feel once again in control of my life, and has also made me begin to feel that this whole thing isn't all that important -- that she really isn't that important. But clearly I haven't reached absolute nirvana yet, because an aggravating thing has just happened wherein I felt compelled to break NC (and did). I got in contact with a close friend that is attending the reunion to discuss technical matters about the trip (rental payment, etc.). In passing, he asked me about her (he has been out of the country, but I spoke to him back when I was still unsure about what to do, before I decided to go NC). I told him about the NC and that I'm hoping that he'll have my back at the party. He responded by informing me that he got a letter from her saying that she was considering not going, not because "she doesn't want to see me," but because I told her that "I don't want to see her". He also prodded me to "be the bigger man" and contact her to let her know that she should come. This seriously annoyed me. Not that my friend would ask that of me, but that she would say something like that to him in the first place. This reunion was planned before I put her on NC, and during the last conversation we had, I specifically told her that she should go to the reunion, and that I wanted her to go, and that she'd be stupid to even consider not going because of this. Clearly my friend was disappointed in me that I had made the decision to go NC, and it probably didn't help that he was given the impression that I intended to ban her from the party. When presented that way, it makes my NC out to appear rash and immature (he questioned, "maybe it was a little extreme?"). This is why this whole thing is a problem in the first place, because of these stupid politics surrounding old friends. She "got to him first", and now I feel on the defensive about this decision that has given me so much! I know it was the right thing to do, and that it has helped me to heal, and I am becoming more confident in this knowledge daily. However, I have also now become so anxious for my close friend to understand me on this. And given that he is out of the country until this weekend, the only way we can communicate at the moment is by spotty email. FFFFFF! Anyway, once I was done reading my friend's reply, I felt compelled to send her one -- probably because he asked me to, durr. I kept it short and to the point: "just writing to remind you that just because we're not speaking doesn't mean I want you to not go," etc. Three sentences total. Unfortunately, though, I'm not too happy about it. I don't think she made some kind of malicious power play; on the contrary, I'm sure her mail was genuine "pity me, what did I do to deserve this!" material that I'm also sure she's legitimately feeling. (UGH, I mad.) However, I do feel bad that she has gotten my friend involved. In my opinion, the issue is not, as my friend implied, that she's concerned about what I want -- because I told her that I want her to go! Instead I believe that she's simply scared to see me since I cut her off (and made her ass accountable). But now because my friend is involved, events like this will happen, and I will now feel the need to do things like break NC, when beforehand I had no such plans. And now that I've been made to break NC, I feel that I've consequentially let her off the hook a little bit -- as if to say "It's OK! Really!" I did do my best not to communicate any of that in my email, sticking just to the facts -- and the reason for my NC break was innocuous and impersonal -- but still, a gesture is a gesture. I would have preferred to have given her nothing. I think the final reason I feel bad about this is because NC has given me control. "Control" is actually not completely descriptive of the feeling -- maybe it's closer to "confidence". She pulled my ego out from under me when I least expected it, and that made me feel like I had no good judgment, and no control. NC gave that all back to me. Choosing whom I want or don't want in my life; that gave it all back to me. But something about her speaking to our friend in this way has challenged my ego and sense of control. She's affecting my good friend's perception of me, which is in turn challenging how I feel about myself and my decisions. This is why I'm so anxious to suddenly defend myself. Of course a close friend that I trust like this has great potential to make me question my actions. And if my confidence that I've made the right decision with NC is undermined, well, then all the growth I've had in my perceptions of things will be seriously undermined as well. I could lose everything I feel I've gained over the past month, including my regained confidence. What the ****? In a way, I better understand precisely what NC has given me, now that I have been made to abandon it. My precious NC, I wish my hands weren't tied so you could save me from having to deal with this ****! To a lesser degree, I'm also concerned to be feeding these thoughts of "losing ground" and "saving face". I happen to be obsessed with image (graphic designer), so naturally I focus on these things, but at the same time I'm not altogether happy with having to play these sorts of games when this NC thing has proven to become something so genuinely healthy and empowering. I suppose such is the inevitable price to pay for reinstating contact, however temporary. In closing, I'm just hoping that things don't get any more complicated. You'd think I were arranging a meeting with the president this weekend, considering how much time and energy I've spent on it for various reasons -- her being the biggest, although I'd never really admit something that lame to anyone but you guys. Hopefully the feeling of looking forward to reconnecting with my bros will take center stage this weekend. I will admit, part of me is getting anxious to face her, in the way a performer feels before going on stage, or an athlete before competition. I want to see where I'm at. Considering that I've also done all the other typical **** -- quit smoking, started working out, bought new glasses () -- well, combined with this new attitude, I think I'm going to hit the mother****ing ground running. So I guess it is a game after all. A game I'm too good for, but will play the **** out of anyway. Ha! Your move, bitch!
ngo_ng Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 np buddy! I like how you have grown from this. I can tell, like me you are not totally over her. So my advice to you is just go and genuinely have a good time. If she does speak to you, be a genuine gentleman and respond with a short and direct answer and move on. She will be so pissed off. Not to be mean but she did decide to leave you. That was the situation for me. Go in with an "I'm not ruining my fun for you b*tch!" your friends will catch on to your attitude and the one in the wrong will be her. It sounds like playing games and politics but seriously...you are there to see your friends and have fun, if you do everything right, and she messes up and does erratic things. Who do you think your friends will support? Just be a gentleman in all situations. hope you do well, let us know more
bonpaw2008 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Wel - I really like your attitude and you are going to make it through this just fine. As Nog did and said, be the bigger man, suck it up, busy yourself with other people and fun and she will disappear... I think this is something we all struggle with. When ending relationships there are always casualties. It is so hard to severe the friendships that you made together, people taking sides, etc. PITA really, but it sounds like you have a ton of good friends that will get you through. Girls are stupid (and so are boys!)
Author welikeincrowds Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) The weekend is over, and I made it out alive! The party went so smooth as to be uneventful, leaving everything that the universe felt still needed to happen between us for the epilogue. I've picked a scab, LS, and so here I am, applying a fresh bandaid. _________________________________________________ Yes, the actual stay at the summer home went great. Aside from my meek and hurried "hi" when initially seeing her (**** me), my affect for the rest of the time was composed, indifferent, and fun. I tried to channel "Don Draper after a few drinks" -- but, being Polish, I naturally didn't pull it off. But that's good news, because that's what I try to do all the time! I didn't let her interfere with my good time with my old friends. The side effect was that at times I had no choice but to be friendly and fun with her, too. I didn't love that she got to enjoy my company like she deserved it, but I felt it was the best option I had. For a short while she was going off to her bedroom on her own, and started telling people that she was feeling sick, thinking about going home early, blah blah blah. I had a strong suspicion that it was because she couldn't handle me being there. Eventually, though, she changed her mind, and ended up being one of the people that stayed the longest. It might have something to do with the fact that I wasn't making a concerted effort to be intimidating. (To be honest, it disappointed me a little that she was going to leave. It's probably because I wanted something to happen. "That's all? I prepared myself for a challenge." Probably I still long for attention, even if it's in this very negative and dysfunctional way. Ahem.) I was responsible for booking the house, and therefore for paying the upfront costs, and then gathering money from my friends. She was the only person that had the money set aside for me, but didn't bring it with her to the party. She said that her money, as well as the Mad Men Season 1 DVD that I lent her, was at her house, and she wanted to know how to arrange this pass-off. (The summer home, by the way, was located a few minutes away from our hometown.) I told her that I'd stop by her house that day, after we left the vacation home. I didn't want her phone number, and I didn't want her coming to my house; I figured "It's not great, and it's bull**** that I have to do this at all, but it's the last time I'm ever going to have to see her, right?" So I went. Her house happens to be near a nice restaurant, so I decided to run this errand, and then meet my mom at the restaurant immediately after. (My mom waited for me while I went to get my money. I bought her dinner.) I'm going to try and recall this meeting as objectively as possible (which means it's going to be very one-sided). _________________________________________________ I walked up to her house just as she was driving in from a trip to a local lake. She went through her back gate and onto her patio to finish drying off her dog. I stopped outside the gate and asked her if she had the money and the DVD. "I don't have the $40 yet--" "What? You don't have $40?" "No, I still haven't gotten my mom to [blah blah blah], but I have your DVD. But can I just say something?" Of course. My eyes were straining to hold my incredulity. "I don't mind if you don't want to talk about anything, even if we don't speak for a year, I just want to know that we're still friends. OK?" I didn't come here for this. "Why didn't you bring the money and DVD with you to the party?" Some logistical details to follow, some bull**** about why she was unable. I cut her off. "Alright, OK. Just go and get the DVD." "OK. Would you like to come in, sit down?" She angled a chair for me. "No. Just go and get the movie." Her expression tightened. "Why are you doing this? Why are you treating me this way?" Perhaps she did not expect me to remain stern after how friendly I was at the party. "I'm not treating you like anything, I have to meet my mom for dinner. Just go and get the movie." I sounded whinier than I wanted. I was wasting time. She walked into her house. After minute, she returned empty handed. "I couldn't find the movie, but it's in there somewhere, so--" "OK. Just drop everything off in my mailbox." "Which mailbox?" Which mailbox? What do you mean? The only mailbox. "My mom's house." "...OK. But did you hear me, before?" "I didn't come here to talk about anything." She unfolded into permissive gestures. "No, that's fine, I don't want to either, I--" "Good, then this conversation is over. I'm going to go now--" "But will you think about it?--" "to the restaurant. No, I won't consider it. I'm going to the restaurant now." I had already turned away from her face, and I couldn't make out her tone. Something between annoyed and angry, maybe. "Okay." _________________________________________________ That was the last time I will ever be speaking to her, if not forever, then for a long while. That hurts to say, still, in a way that it didn't a week ago; clearly these are the old wounds making themselves known. My conclusion? I hate to believe this. Why does it have to be this way? Maybe she just honestly cares about me, and has seriously mishandled this situation at, well, every step of the way, and has inadvertently pushed me away. Maybe it's my fault; I didn't communicate well enough. I thought we were wonderful together, and could be wonderful together. How could this be the way it turned out? But try as I might, I just can't deny this: "I don't mind if you don't want to talk about anything, even if we don't speak for a year, I just want to know that we're still friends. OK?" Translation: "I don't care what happens, just let me off the hook. OK?" *Sigh*. Oh well. **** you too. Edited August 2, 2010 by welikeincrowds
Author welikeincrowds Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Just deleted her from facebook. AHHHHHH! I'm pacing around the room. It's ****ing over. Jesus Christ! This is really ****ing hard, I feel like I just amputated a finger. No more breadcrumbs, though, right? Some helpful quotes from around this board: Never focus on someone who only sees you as an option.What she thinks, knows, and/or feels is completely irrelevant to your life. Get over it.You deserve to be happy, and in order for that to happen, you simply need to eliminate the things/people who make you sad. I'm scared, but I stalked her ass constantly before so this has to be for the best. Soon I will be back in my city and onward in my life, without her in it. SAJGPAJSGOA. But now is not the time to be scared about living life. And trying to be suave like Don Draper. I'll stop making this place my personal diary now. There's always Livejournal for that. Thank you all!
bonpaw2008 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Just deleted her from facebook. AHHHHHH! I'm pacing around the room. It's ****ing over. Jesus Christ! This is really ****ing hard, I feel like I just amputated a finger. No more breadcrumbs, though, right? Some helpful quotes from around this board: Never focus on someone who only sees you as an option.What she thinks, knows, and/or feels is completely irrelevant to your life. Get over it.You deserve to be happy, and in order for that to happen, you simply need to eliminate the things/people who make you sad.I'm scared, but I stalked her ass constantly before so this has to be for the best. Soon I will be back in my city and onward in my life, without her in it. SAJGPAJSGOA. But now is not the time to be scared about living life. And trying to be suave like Don Draper. I'll stop making this place my personal diary now. There's always Livejournal for that. Thank you all! WE!!! I am so proud of you!!!! You did such the right thing, the entire weekend!!!!! Glad you finally deleted her from FB. I know it hurts, it is the same as what she is struggling with on her side .... FINALITY....we all want that one tie that will keep us from facing that all of this is finally over with no way of going back.... Just a commendable job with the way you handled the weekend and at her place. She was just trying to bait you into still being stuck on her, and trying to let herself off the hook for her bad behavior. Way to represent!!!!
user2011 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 BOOYA! if loveshack had a team in some wierd game against heartless people we got a solid striker in the midst. She was being transparent. Just wanted a alleviation of guilt and you gave her nada. yeh i think the pain you are feeling about it being 'over' is good, its closure something im trying to find. And i think it comes from being brave and throwing yourself into the fire and comming out with at least burns as possible. which I think youve done
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