Ramblings of a former OW who is sad about some of the posts here...

July 22, 2010

I reckon the awful truth is, if a Husband/wife wants to cheat, they will find someone to cheat with. No matter how much when we OW want to believe that it's because we are special, that love struck and couldn't be helped. When we are looking for something, we find it. And when we don't find it, it's because we aren't really looking.

Every situation is the sum of all of its parts.

If your needs are not being met in the marriage, there is of course more than one person out there who can meet them. That doesn't negate the possibility of true love between the MM and the OW.

July 22, 2010

"a relationship that may have started in an incorrect manner" ... Can you say Sin??

Sin is something that adversely affects more than the one or two involved.. It affects the original wife and or husband, children of both families .. and yes, I even knew it to spread to their other family members as well.. Reminds me of something I read once, about each sin affecting 19 people..

And lusting after money is sin, according to the bible, but people get married for money ALL THE TIME! Are their marriages also sinful? Do you have the same harsh, rigid words for them? As long as they keep up the money-grubbing pretense for life, all's well and good?

July 22, 2010

And lusting after money is sin, according to the bible, but people get married for money ALL THE TIME! Are their marriages also sinful? Do you have the same harsh, rigid words for them? As long as they keep up the money-grubbing pretense for life, all's well and good?

-------------------------

I've never been an opportunist. Otherwise I guess I could be on my second, third, fourth marriage.. (as my xH's OW/widow is, by the way) ..

Sounds like a topic for a separate thread..

July 22, 2010

Sounds like a topic for a separate thread..

Well, so is religion, but you felt free to bring it into the mix, so my post just naturally followed.

I noticed you never answered the simple questions...

July 22, 2010

Well, so is religion, but you felt free to bring it into the mix, so my post just naturally followed.

I noticed you never answered the simple questions...

----------------------

Answer:

My sons and I were severely damaged by an OW who was also an opportunist .. Myself: H, my house / Sons: their home, their grandfather's estate..

My thread: Page 6 of Personal Rants: "Vampire"

July 22, 2010

----------------------

Answer:

My sons and I were severely damaged by an OW who was also an opportunist .. Myself: H, my house / Sons: their home, their grandfather's estate..

My thread: Page 6 of Personal Rants: "Vampire"

I'm sorry you and your kids went through that, but we're not talking about the OW in your story. I'm talking about gold diggers who marry rich men JUST for their money.

Here are the questions again, for your edification, and I'll break them down so they can be easily answered:

And lusting after money is sin, according to the bible, but people get married for money ALL THE TIME!

1. Are their marriages also sinful?

2.Do you have the same harsh, rigid words for them?

3.As long as they keep up the money-grubbing pretense for life, all's well and good?

July 22, 2010

I'm sorry you and your kids went through that, but we're not talking about the OW in your story. I'm talking about gold diggers who marry rich men JUST for their money.
Here are the questions again, for your edification, and I'll break them down so they can be easily answered:

------------------

Sin is Sin .. No matter how willing the participant ..

Have a friend who was approached by a woman from match.com.. Upon marrying she wanted to have a home together (meaning both names on title) and cried about a prenup that actually left her better off than before..plus trips to visit her various offspring over U.S. He didn't seem to think anything wrong with it ..

But her INTENTIONS were still that of sin.

July 22, 2010

------------------

Sin is Sin .. No matter how willing the participant ..

Have a friend who was approached by a woman from match.com.. Upon marrying she wanted to have a home together (meaning both names on title) and cried about a prenup that actually left her better off than before..plus trips to visit her various offspring over U.S. He didn't seem to think anything wrong with it ..

But her INTENTIONS were still that of sin.

Fair enough.

July 22, 2010

Miss understanding sorry.

No worries.

July 22, 2010

Interesting post. I agree with a lot of it.

I do wonder though about the bolded. So apparently you did find out that your committed man was truthful to you during your relationship, and still you are advising other OW to be suspicious of what their MM are saying. To me it is much worse to doubt someone you love who is truthful to you, than to be fooled by someone you love who is not truthful to you.

Yes, I am definitely advising other OWs to not be suspicious, per se, but to have an open mind that they really do NOT know what is going on - they have the story from one person in a story that involves TWO people. In the end, and I will try to be as open as I can without revealing too much for privacy reasons, I was able to see correspondence from before I met MM to after their split, and I was privvy to certain conversations when the divorce negotiating was going on. So while he was telling the truth about a lot of things, I still don't know everything. But I can live with that.

Edited July 22, 2010 by complicatedlife
grammar

July 22, 2010

I have slowly been losing faith since the day I questioned God's existence as a 25-year old struggling with my SO's alcoholism. My exSO's obsessive religiosity continued to wear on my faith. The last nail in the coffin of my faith was seeing how religion was part of what was keeping my MM stuck in limbo. To me religion is nowadays just part of society's attempts to keep people where it wants them.

Hi Jennie,

IMO religion is man made and does fail us as humans do. These last few years the fire has been so hot and I so traumatised that I was numb to hearing and feeling God. Still, the one thing that didn't leave was the constant communication and awareness of God. In short God is my friend.

Many times I felt deserted and abandoned, although have come to realise it was "man" that deserted and abandoned me because God doesn't control like religion does.

Jennie, I think you are the cats pajamas (remember that one:D)...I so understand where you are at ...as usual...lol

July 22, 2010

Yes, I am definitely advising other OWs to not be suspicious, per se, but to have an open mind that they really do NOT know what is going on - they have the story from one person in a story that involves TWO people. In the end, and I will try to be as open as I can without revealing too much for privacy reasons, I was able to see correspondence from before I met MM to after their split, and I was privvy to certain conversations when the divorce negotiating was going on. So while he was telling the truth about a lot of things, I still don't know everything. But I can live with that.

Surprisingly enough there may be more truth than one thinks...I thought many times exDM was giving me a line, but wasn't.

He lied a lot...not so much to his W or me...to himself he lied continuously.

July 22, 2010

I am really glad you posted. Lately i have been feeling exactly like you. My story is a little different, I would like to think we never had an affair because he was separated. But truth be told when he moved back home I guess we continued an emotional affair. We never saw each other but always emailing and texting. He has now left for good and we are planning on getting back together when things calm down. And trust me like you I dont know exactly what was going on in that house, but it hurt like hell knowing he was living there even if he didnt want to be there. We have talked a lot about why he moved back and I can get over that, he had to do it for himself and his family. But to be honest, before he left i had asked if they were having sex, he said no, but really who knows if he told me the truth. I know he doesnt want me to be sad anymore or hurt me, and truth be told I dont think i want to know at this point. It doesnt make a difference. He went home, he tried to give it one last shot. Nothing changed at home and his feelings for me never changed. Californ-we dont come here to be judged by god. We come here for support. I am not religious and yes i do think affairs are wrong and horrible, but not because of GOD but because I dont like to see people get hurt. I really enjoy reading posts here. I find it very helpful. But as soon as people start talking about being judged by God it makes me annoyed. We dont come here to be preached to, we come for support. Im not disrespecting your religion, I just think people who are religious need to keep in mind not all of us are.

July 22, 2010

I am really glad you posted. Lately i have been feeling exactly like you. My story is a little different, I would like to think we never had an affair because he was separated. But truth be told when he moved back home I guess we continued an emotional affair. We never saw each other but always emailing and texting. He has now left for good and we are planning on getting back together when things calm down. And trust me like you I dont know exactly what was going on in that house, but it hurt like hell knowing he was living there even if he didnt want to be there. We have talked a lot about why he moved back and I can get over that, he had to do it for himself and his family. But to be honest, before he left i had asked if they were having sex, he said no, but really who knows if he told me the truth. I know he doesnt want me to be sad anymore or hurt me, and truth be told I dont think i want to know at this point. It doesnt make a difference. He went home, he tried to give it one last shot. Nothing changed at home and his feelings for me never changed. Californ-we dont come here to be judged by god. We come here for support. I am not religious and yes i do think affairs are wrong and horrible, but not because of GOD but because I dont like to see people get hurt. I really enjoy reading posts here. I find it very helpful. But as soon as people start talking about being judged by God it makes me annoyed. We dont come here to be preached to, we come for support. Im not disrespecting your religion, I just think people who are religious need to keep in mind not all of us are.

Didn't Califnan get banned before for shoving religion down everyone's throat and she is doing it again.

July 22, 2010

Didn't Califnan get banned before for shoving religion down everyone's throat and she is doing it again.

----------------------

Never was banned .. Your wishful thinking didn't work ..

July 22, 2010

Every situation is different. Fundamentally they are the same in that there's a problem within the marriage and a wife or husband may step out. But that's where similarities end. We are all individual people and our experiences, upbringing, and personal beliefs are what mold and shape us; what makes us different. So, one person may be cheating because they're not getting their sexual needs met. One may be cheating because they've grown in a different direction. He/She could be a serial cheater. Maybe BOTH parties have decided to do their own thing but stay together for the sake of the kids. With that said, I don't think it's fair to generalize that most OW/OM believe (the following), and that most MM/MW tell the "Whoa is me" story, that, "My husband/wife is so AWFUL."

No, it's ALWAYS the exact same scenario. You are carrying on an inappropriate relationship with someone else's spouse. Everything past that fact, every little special reason you might have, is simply an excuse for poor behavior. I'm not trying to be insulting or start an argument with you, but that's just the way I see it.

July 22, 2010

Didn't Califnan get banned before for shoving religion down everyone's throat and she is doing it again.

Doesn't she have a right to her opinion also? She doesn't like A's due to her foundation being in God...debate it with her like the rest do when they don't agree with another poster.

Debating can give understanding where the was non prior...usually no minds are changed, although in most cases people find common ground and sometimes become friends afterwards:).

July 22, 2010

No, it's ALWAYS the exact same scenario. You are carrying on an inappropriate relationship with someone else's spouse. Everything past that fact, every little special reason you might have, is simply an excuse for poor behavior. I'm not trying to be insulting or start an argument with you, but that's just the way I see it.

You can see it however you want to see it...that's your choice and I'm not here to change your mind. I see it differently; that's what makes this world so awesome- the ability to believe and to choose whatever we want! Even if you were trying to start an argument, I wouldn't bite, neither do I feel insulted...I'm very happy and no one can steal my joy!

July 22, 2010

Doesn't she have a right to her opinion also? She doesn't like A's due to her foundation being in God...debate it with her like the rest do when they don't agree with another poster.

Debating can give understanding where the was non prior...usually no minds are changed, although in most cases people find common ground and sometimes become friends afterwards:).

I agree with this case being an exception: it's extremely difficult to be friends with someone who thinks that you are an unredeemable human being and doesn't respect opinions that don't match their own. That's one of the biggest reasons why when I do come here to LS I lurk; many people here don't know how to "respectfully" agree to disagree and think that their opinions, values, and theirs alone are 100% right, and if you don't agree, you're 100% wrong. Very sad because I enjoy a good debate!

July 22, 2010

Doesn't she have a right to her opinion also? She doesn't like A's due to her foundation being in God...debate it with her like the rest do when they don't agree with another poster.

Debating can give understanding where the was non prior...usually no minds are changed, although in most cases people find common ground and sometimes become friends afterwards:).

Exactly. I hear so many times about religion being shoved down others throats, yet the those who don't believe in marriage, boundaries or whatever...have every right to promote that belief...example...affairs help marriages. It is a belief that a person is entitled to have and a right to state it as many times as they see fit.

July 22, 2010

Exactly. I hear so many times about religion being shoved down others throats, yet the those who don't believe in marriage, boundaries or whatever...have every right to promote that belief...example...affairs help marriages. It is a belief that a person is entitled to have and a right to state it as many times as they see fit.

Its one thing to share religious and spiritual opinions, but a whole different animal to PURPOSELY use it to INSULT people. You talk of your faith in God from time to time (as do I), but I've never read you using God, His Word, or your faith to purposely be insulting. I personally don't believe its Christ-like to behave in such a manner, but I digress...

July 22, 2010

Hi Jennie,

IMO religion is man made and does fail us as humans do. These last few years the fire has been so hot and I so traumatised that I was numb to hearing and feeling God. Still, the one thing that didn't leave was the constant communication and awareness of God. In short God is my friend.

Many times I felt deserted and abandoned, although have come to realise it was "man" that deserted and abandoned me because God doesn't control like religion does.

Jennie, I think you are the cats pajamas (remember that one:D)...I so understand where you are at ...as usual...lol

Had to look up that one in the Urban Dictionary. You are sweet as always, Pure!

July 22, 2010

I am really glad you posted. Lately i have been feeling exactly like you. My story is a little different, I would like to think we never had an affair because he was separated. But truth be told when he moved back home I guess we continued an emotional affair. We never saw each other but always emailing and texting. He has now left for good and we are planning on getting back together when things calm down. And trust me like you I dont know exactly what was going on in that house, but it hurt like hell knowing he was living there even if he didnt want to be there. We have talked a lot about why he moved back and I can get over that, he had to do it for himself and his family. But to be honest, before he left i had asked if they were having sex, he said no, but really who knows if he told me the truth. I know he doesnt want me to be sad anymore or hurt me, and truth be told I dont think i want to know at this point. It doesnt make a difference. He went home, he tried to give it one last shot. Nothing changed at home and his feelings for me never changed. Californ-we dont come here to be judged by god. We come here for support. I am not religious and yes i do think affairs are wrong and horrible, but not because of GOD but because I dont like to see people get hurt. I really enjoy reading posts here. I find it very helpful. But as soon as people start talking about being judged by God it makes me annoyed. We dont come here to be preached to, we come for support. Im not disrespecting your religion, I just think people who are religious need to keep in mind not all of us are.

I'm glad if my post helped you in any way, and I do try to understand that although God is a big part of my life, not everyone is religious or spiritual, which is why I always try to say "IF you believe in a higher being"...

July 22, 2010

Its one thing to share religious and spiritual opinions, but a whole different animal to PURPOSELY use it to INSULT people. You talk of your faith in God from time to time (as do I), but I've never read you using God, His Word, or your faith to purposely be insulting. I personally don't believe its Christ-like to behave in such a manner, but I digress...

:DI am sure you will get a pm shortly about my over the top faith. :DWhile Califnan and I might share our faith differently with others I absolutely understand where she is coming from. I can't separate my faith from how I think or feel. It dictates my actions. I am firm believer in the power of forgiveness for those who honestly seek it. I also know that I haven't been exempted from my consequences because I was forgiven.

I don't think that is Califnan's intent to purposely insult either.

July 23, 2010

Yup, it's a sin to have an affair.

It's also a sin to treat your S like crap, especially after you promised in front of God and everybody you would love/honor/cherish them for the rest of your life.

So now are we going to start pointing out each other's sins, taking each other's inventory? We'd be here a l-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-g time with that.

No, I got enough on my plate to keep up with you people too.

And besides, I think complicated said it best in her opening post:

Don't give your power away. Stand up for what you really want, whatever that is, and accept nothing less...

Be strong, have courage, and pray, if you believe in a higher being.

CL

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