LizS Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I'm really trying to get some outside perspectives on my situation. I'll try to keep it as short as I can, but there's alot of information, and I feel like most of it is important. I am 22, my ex is 24. We met a year and a half ago and immediately started dating. Things were awesome for about 8 months, then we fell into a routine. He always wanted me to come out with his friends and go to social events, like game nights, movie nights, and capture the flag. He wanted me to get involved in some of his hobbies. I always made excuses and rarely/never went to these events. To be honest, I am/was always interested in his hobbies/events/his friends. But I was scared that they wouldnt like me or that I would look dumb or not fit in. I realize now that its a very dumb reason, but its the truth. We also fell into a routine, with him coming home (he half lived at my apartment, half lived at his) to me at around 10-11 and we would just go to bed. He broke things off June 13th, saying he didnt think we were going anywhere and that he was tired of me not paying attention to his friends/hobbies. Initially, I asked him if he could wait a month or so to try to work on things. He said yes, then changed his mind 5 minutes later and was adamant about being friends. Everything was fine and I was actually excited about starting new with him. The first week after we split up, he gave offhand comments that I was beautiful, sexy...We had agreed to be really good friends and still hang out and I would now attend the events he always wanted me to go to. The second week, on June 23 he texted me that he missed me. We hung out at his place, watched a movie. The entire time he kept leaning on me and tried to make me cuddle. I went along with it. The movie ended, I got up to leave, and he pretty much begged me to stay and said "friends can cuddle!". I told him I had to go to bed, and that he needed to get up early. We hugged, he held onto my belt loops, and said "this just sucks." I left feeling good about the possibility of us working things out. He was still clearly attached to me and was maybe questioning his decision. The next few days, he acted colder towards me. Much different than he had been for the past week. It confused me very much. I still continued to go to all of the social events he had always wanted me to go to. I was still very angry/confused by his mixed signals. I got angry on June 28th, asking him what he wanted/if he changed his mind. He didnt answer, and didnt speak for a week. On July 6th, the 4th week of us split up, he sent me something saying "Im open to talking this week. I hope you had a great weekend." We talked on facebook chat about random things, I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no, he wasnt looking, didnt have anyone lined up, and said "I assume youre doing the same?" I asked him what the point of keeping me around as a friend was, since he had also recently told me he was having a hard time with me coming to events, because he wasnt "with" me. Later that night I sent him an email saying I would be out for a few months, and that he knew how to contact me if he wanted to talk. It was essentially a goodbye email. The next day I told him he could still come to my performances (Im a dancer) if he wanted to. He said "yeah, of course I would. Please let me know. And you should come to capture the flag on monday." I said "did you not get my email?" he said "ah crap. Nevermind then, dont come, whatever." I was so confused. Why did he invite me to this after he had just told me it was hard for him to me to have me around and right after I told him I didnt want to see him for awhile? Ugh. He left chat saying "good luck sorting me out." Just last week I find out hes in a relationship with another girl, that hes known for a couple months. This is only a week after he told me he wasnt ready to date anyone and 3 weeks after he was begging me to stay. This girl just broke up with her boyfriend as well. Shes 26, lives at her parents, and works at a pizza place. On paper, she looks good for him. She has his same interests and everything. How do I go about getting him back? I dont want him back right now by any means, we definitely needed a break and if we got back together now, nothing would be fixed. But I do want a chance in the future. I believe we are a good match and I could see myself marrying this guy. We are very physically attracted to each other as well. I feel like the issues I need to work on are quick fixes. I even went out alone with his friends one night after we split up and we all had fun and they told me to hang out more. I would have never done that two months ago. Ive been told to wait a couple months, and if I feel the same way, to send him something saying the door is open. I feel like a good plan is to wait until winter, then try to work my way back into his life and spend time with him as a friend. I feel like he'll be impressed with me and if we click better than before, I feel like there will be a good chance we could work out. This new girl is a definite roadblock, though....if I feel certain he likes me alot, I may give him an ultimatum: her or me. Then he'll have to deal with the thought of losing an improved me forever. any suggestions as far as no contact/limited contact? I want to try again with him in a few months, but I want to keep in his mind. He recently logged on to gmail chat again after two weeks being off. We always used to talk on chat. Hes been logged on for about 3 days. He would only be logged on to talk to me. And I know hes not talking to someone else, because alot of the time, hes idle. Please, I really need some opinions on what to do from here.
A Hot Mess Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I think formulating a plan to get him back is just setting yourself up for heartbreak. Do things to make yourself happy, and if as a result it makes you more desirable to him, then so be it. I totally understand you wanting to make it work. But with him moving on and dating someone else, it makes your chances of reconciliation pretty dicey. Don't do that to yourself. Don't get your hopes up, thinking you'll be this great person he wants to date, and then finding out he really loves this new girl.. or some other girl, and doesn't want you back. You can't do things for him anymore. Do them for yourself. It sucks to hear, but you'll be better off later on.
bussie Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 No don't contact him at all, get on with your life with confidence that you are going forward with or without him. If you are meant to be you will cross paths in the future, you need to be strong. Buy contacting him he has you where he wants you, influence! Don't wait, forever either. Good luck!I'm really trying to get some outside perspectives on my situation. I'll try to keep it as short as I can, but there's alot of information, and I feel like most of it is important. I am 22, my ex is 24. We met a year and a half ago and immediately started dating. Things were awesome for about 8 months, then we fell into a routine. He always wanted me to come out with his friends and go to social events, like game nights, movie nights, and capture the flag. He wanted me to get involved in some of his hobbies. I always made excuses and rarely/never went to these events. To be honest, I am/was always interested in his hobbies/events/his friends. But I was scared that they wouldnt like me or that I would look dumb or not fit in. I realize now that its a very dumb reason, but its the truth. We also fell into a routine, with him coming home (he half lived at my apartment, half lived at his) to me at around 10-11 and we would just go to bed. He broke things off June 13th, saying he didnt think we were going anywhere and that he was tired of me not paying attention to his friends/hobbies. Initially, I asked him if he could wait a month or so to try to work on things. He said yes, then changed his mind 5 minutes later and was adamant about being friends. Everything was fine and I was actually excited about starting new with him. The first week after we split up, he gave offhand comments that I was beautiful, sexy...We had agreed to be really good friends and still hang out and I would now attend the events he always wanted me to go to. The second week, on June 23 he texted me that he missed me. We hung out at his place, watched a movie. The entire time he kept leaning on me and tried to make me cuddle. I went along with it. The movie ended, I got up to leave, and he pretty much begged me to stay and said "friends can cuddle!". I told him I had to go to bed, and that he needed to get up early. We hugged, he held onto my belt loops, and said "this just sucks." I left feeling good about the possibility of us working things out. He was still clearly attached to me and was maybe questioning his decision. The next few days, he acted colder towards me. Much different than he had been for the past week. It confused me very much. I still continued to go to all of the social events he had always wanted me to go to. I was still very angry/confused by his mixed signals. I got angry on June 28th, asking him what he wanted/if he changed his mind. He didnt answer, and didnt speak for a week. On July 6th, the 4th week of us split up, he sent me something saying "Im open to talking this week. I hope you had a great weekend." We talked on facebook chat about random things, I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no, he wasnt looking, didnt have anyone lined up, and said "I assume youre doing the same?" I asked him what the point of keeping me around as a friend was, since he had also recently told me he was having a hard time with me coming to events, because he wasnt "with" me. Later that night I sent him an email saying I would be out for a few months, and that he knew how to contact me if he wanted to talk. It was essentially a goodbye email. The next day I told him he could still come to my performances (Im a dancer) if he wanted to. He said "yeah, of course I would. Please let me know. And you should come to capture the flag on monday." I said "did you not get my email?" he said "ah crap. Nevermind then, dont come, whatever." I was so confused. Why did he invite me to this after he had just told me it was hard for him to me to have me around and right after I told him I didnt want to see him for awhile? Ugh. He left chat saying "good luck sorting me out." Just last week I find out hes in a relationship with another girl, that hes known for a couple months. This is only a week after he told me he wasnt ready to date anyone and 3 weeks after he was begging me to stay. This girl just broke up with her boyfriend as well. Shes 26, lives at her parents, and works at a pizza place. On paper, she looks good for him. She has his same interests and everything. How do I go about getting him back? I dont want him back right now by any means, we definitely needed a break and if we got back together now, nothing would be fixed. But I do want a chance in the future. I believe we are a good match and I could see myself marrying this guy. We are very physically attracted to each other as well. I feel like the issues I need to work on are quick fixes. I even went out alone with his friends one night after we split up and we all had fun and they told me to hang out more. I would have never done that two months ago. Ive been told to wait a couple months, and if I feel the same way, to send him something saying the door is open. I feel like a good plan is to wait until winter, then try to work my way back into his life and spend time with him as a friend. I feel like he'll be impressed with me and if we click better than before, I feel like there will be a good chance we could work out. This new girl is a definite roadblock, though....if I feel certain he likes me alot, I may give him an ultimatum: her or me. Then he'll have to deal with the thought of losing an improved me forever. any suggestions as far as no contact/limited contact? I want to try again with him in a few months, but I want to keep in his mind. He recently logged on to gmail chat again after two weeks being off. We always used to talk on chat. Hes been logged on for about 3 days. He would only be logged on to talk to me. And I know hes not talking to someone else, because alot of the time, hes idle. Please, I really need some opinions on what to do from here.
Author LizS Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Thanks! I figured that making any sort of move now would just make me look desperate and that he's still in a honeymoon phase with the new girl. My thinking was that after a few months, he'd see some of her flaws, and definitely welcome me back into his life as a friend. After all, the guy literally begged me to be friends with him. He said "I really do want to be friends, I dont want us to say that we are, and then never speak to each other again after a week." Of course, things can change alot in a few months. I do think that him and the new girl will probably be together awhile, which is kind of a good thing. I dont want him back now. He needs to figure out what he wants. Everyone in our circle of friends is pretty confused as to what he's doing and they keep saying that he needs to make this mistake and have it blow up in his face so he can learn. None of our friends agree with what he's doing and some have told him this. He seems like he doesnt really know what he wants. I think he actually does like this girl, but he is definitely using her as a way to not have to deal with his feelings about me. Im by no means waiting around or expecting him to drop her anytime soon and come running back to me with open arms. I feel pretty good and Im moving on great so far. I may not even want him back in a few months. But I'm willing to say that when/if I come back into his life, Im going to have an edge over this other girl. He wont drop her for me immediately at all, but I feel like theres a definite chance in the future if I take the time away to improve myself. Im doing all the things Ive always wanted to do and always told him Ive wanted to do. I feel like he'll be, at the very least, impressed with me if I come back into his life happy and very accomplished. I'm also willing to say that he would almost certainly have second thoughts about leaving me, but of course that doesnt mean he would act on those thoughts. Im just not sure if I should do absolute NC until then or if I should do some limited contact....and the advice I got about sending him something saying the door is open and telling him how I feel in a couple months seems weird to me when he has a new girlfriend. I have got an ex back before, two years ago. Almost exact same situation, we were together a year and a half, he broke up with me, it was messy (this breakup was not messy), he casually saw someone else, they eventually didnt work out. Didnt speak to him at all for a year. He acted like he hated me. After a year of no speaking, we started spending time together, and eventually things progressed to getting back together. If he contacts me would it be wise to ignore him or answer him? Strict no contact is dicey to me, because I feel like he'll think Im angry or bitter about us or the new girl. I dont want to come across as bitter. I will not hang around as his friend, but I do want to get across the message that Im doing great. I, on the other hand, will not reach out and contact him for a very long time.
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