SidLyon Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Shadowcat is not someone I know, so I couldn't speak to any similarities. Perhaps I will have to do a search. Good idea - please let us all know your conclusions.
OWoman Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Sorry to drag this thread back on-topic, but... How far in advance do you and MM/MW plan? We talk about next Christmas, property to buy, his high school reunion in 2014. Is this part of the MM story telling, does anybody know? In the beginning, there was no planning at all. My A - like all my others - was conducted very much in the present. When I wanted to see him, I'd tell him, and he'd do the necessary to be there. As things progressed, and the dreaded L-concept surfaced, we did start planning. We started planning how to spend more time together (short-term) and how an ultimate solution (to be together full-time) might look (medium-term). As that became more urgent, we brought that forward and made concrete plans, which we put into action. That also involved more longer-term planning. I'm more of a spontaneous type, not big on planning, but my H like to have plans. So, to compromise, we plan some things (in mind-numbing detail) and other things... just happen. I think the issue is whether the plans are plans, or dreams. If they're plans - with the logistics in place (the tickets booked, the hotel reservations made, the receipt in your pocket), they're real. But if it's just talking, it's nice woolly speculation, testing the imaginary water, trying out another mindspace that may or may not come to anything.
Case O'Bier Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 How far in advance do you and MM/MW plan? We talk about next Christmas, property to buy, his high school reunion in 2014. Is this part of the MM story telling, does anybody know? We used to talk about the future, but it wasn't necessarily planning. After close to 3 years, we decided planning, but that went to sh*t when we got caught. While it was a tough few months, we are marrying soon. We're happy, kids are happy... it appears to be a rare situation where things wok out.
Mimolicious Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Mombot, you do realize that because you just exposed your A to you MM's stbxW (based on your other thread) none of your plans may actually happen, right?
White Flower Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) My own take from xMW is that a) anything in the future was "safe" territory for her ... it didn't actually require any action b) talking about the future provided a convenient way of deflecting conversation from what was currently happening (which was always nothing) c) talking about the future allowed her (and me) to talk about "us" without actually talking about the bloody obvious ... her lack of divorce ! From my own experience it's EXCEEDINGLY dangerous (bit like Mr Kipling and his cakes) for OW/OM to take part in these future conversations. Even if you realise they are just convenient distractions and safe topics for the MP they are insidious and slowly affect your thinking. There are a few OW on here who've been self-aware enough to tell their MP to stop as soon as they start talking about the future. To tell them that it's a very unfair topic of conversation. With xMW it got to the point where I didn't want to take part in those "future conversations " as I'd come to realise they focused our attention in the wrong place. Sad thing was, that left us talking about the present and, to be honest, she pretty much had nothing to say about that apart from blah blah, excuse, blah blah, excuse, blah blah excuse. She even used to say "I don't want to tallk about now, let's talk about the future" ... yep and we all know why don't we :) By the way I need a new acronym .. xMW just doensn't signify it for me any maybe I should go with ixMW .... where the i stands for irrelevant/inconsequential ... as in yes I had a R with them but I really am ambivalent about the whole thing now ... (perhaps axMW would be better then) ... Chris Quick edit: I guess what I am saying above is that when we talked about the future we had something we could talk about (since it was just imagination) however when we talked about right now we had nothing to talk about .. there was just a perpetual waiting on an "update" at her end, which never happended. Repeated meets with the conversation: OW/OM: "So .... " MP: "blah, blah, blah, blah" .. translated as "I've made to tangible, concrete step since our last meeting" become a bit dull after a while ... hence the use of the future to get something to talk about ... Have you been laying in bed with us??? Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Talks of future are easy. Taking the steps to make the future a reality TODAY are near impossible. Thanks for this. You took the words right out of my mouth. Mombot, Just tell him what you really want AND what you expect. See if he follows through on the short-term items and then go from there. Best, WF. Edited July 26, 2010 by White Flower
Author Mombot Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 he didn't have an especially strong reaction to emailing the W.
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