Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 How far in advance do you and MM/MW plan? We talk about next Christmas, property to buy, his high school reunion in 2014. Is this part of the MM story telling, does anybody know?
bentnotbroken Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Mr. Messy and his last ow planned how much money to spend on the children for teen favorites, large vacations and how to handle everyone's questions when they wondered how they got together...guess how that turned out?
Spark1111 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 How far in advance do you and MM/MW plan? We talk about next Christmas, property to buy, his high school reunion in 2014. Is this part of the MM story telling, does anybody know? fBS here.... Our DDAy was caused when I accidentally intercepted a text to her while on family vacation that read, "I want to take care of you and your son. I need to reach my financial goals and then i will be your's forever." So apparently, quite a lot of future talk is necessary in some instances. When we got home, I told him to go get her; If I had texted anyone anything that passionate, I'd have a bag packed and a foot out the door! No one was more stunned than I, that when given the option to go be with his soulmate, apparently that was the last thing he seemed to want.
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I think its just part of MM story telling. I, too, intercepted some emails speaking of an "unknown future" and the looking forward to it. And what it might look like. And blah, blah, blah. It really came off as pie in the sky thinking, pipe dreams, and not at all considered in the light of reality. I couldn't take any of it seriously since some of it had already had a date on it that had passed and the things mused about NEVER happened. It could become reality, but I am pretty sure that in most cases it never will.
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 How far in advance do you and MM/MW plan? We talk about next Christmas, property to buy, his high school reunion in 2014. Is this part of the MM story telling, does anybody know? How can he make plans with you like that when he's still married? To me it sounds like wishful thinking but inside he KNOWS all that will never happen. A fantasy, a dream, and a way to keep you interested and on your toes.. give you just enough hope to hang on and wait it out, all the meanwhile he really has no intention of following through on what he said. Just my 2 cents.
silverplanets Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) How far in advance do you and MM/MW plan? We talk about next Christmas, property to buy, his high school reunion in 2014. Is this part of the MM story telling, does anybody know? My own take from xMW is that a) anything in the future was "safe" territory for her ... it didn't actually require any action b) talking about the future provided a convenient way of deflecting conversation from what was currently happening (which was always nothing) c) talking about the future allowed her (and me) to talk about "us" without actually talking about the bloody obvious ... her lack of divorce ! From my own experience it's EXCEEDINGLY dangerous (bit like Mr Kipling and his cakes) for OW/OM to take part in these future conversations. Even if you realise they are just convenient distractions and safe topics for the MP they are insidious and slowly affect your thinking. There are a few OW on here who've been self-aware enough to tell their MP to stop as soon as they start talking about the future. To tell them that it's a very unfair topic of conversation. With xMW it got to the point where I didn't want to take part in those "future conversations " as I'd come to realise they focused our attention in the wrong place. Sad thing was, that left us talking about the present and, to be honest, she pretty much had nothing to say about that apart from blah blah, excuse, blah blah, excuse, blah blah excuse. She even used to say "I don't want to tallk about now, let's talk about the future" ... yep and we all know why don't we :) By the way I need a new acronym .. xMW just doensn't signify it for me any maybe I should go with ixMW .... where the i stands for irrelevant/inconsequential ... as in yes I had a R with them but I really am ambivalent about the whole thing now ... (perhaps axMW would be better then) ... Chris Quick edit: I guess what I am saying above is that when we talked about the future we had something we could talk about (since it was just imagination) however when we talked about right now we had nothing to talk about .. there was just a perpetual waiting on an "update" at her end, which never happended. Repeated meets with the conversation: OW/OM: "So .... " MP: "blah, blah, blah, blah" .. translated as "I've made to tangible, concrete step since our last meeting" become a bit dull after a while ... hence the use of the future to get something to talk about ... Edited July 22, 2010 by silverplanets
pureinheart Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) ExDM rarely makes future plans period...that way if something that he perceived to be better came along, he'd be open and not have to lie:confused: Everything was last minute for him...but, I liked his thinking because something better might have come to me also, and it did a couple of times:lmao::D Oh and I forgot about the no intimacy rule...and the no romantic rule also...everytime he'd start to get close, a little while later he'd start a fight with me. Then there would be this freaking game of having to start from square one, like we just met or something...that used to get on my last nerve. Edited July 22, 2010 by pureinheart
jwi71 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 c) talking about the future allowed her (and me) to talk about "us" without actually talking about the bloody obvious ... her lack of divorce ! I would change that ever so slightly to read: talking about the future allows you both to talk about "us" without there really being an "us".... That nebulous tomorrow which never really appears.
Silly_Girl Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I would change that ever so slightly to read: talking about the future allows you both to talk about "us" without there really being an "us".... That nebulous tomorrow which never really appears. Yep. Exactly. "There. Is. No. Us."
Spark1111 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 My own take from xMW is that a) anything in the future was "safe" territory for her ... it didn't actually require any action b) talking about the future provided a convenient way of deflecting conversation from what was currently happening (which was always nothing) c) talking about the future allowed her (and me) to talk about "us" without actually talking about the bloody obvious ... her lack of divorce ! From my own experience it's EXCEEDINGLY dangerous (bit like Mr Kipling and his cakes) for OW/OM to take part in these future conversations. Even if you realise they are just convenient distractions and safe topics for the MP they are insidious and slowly affect your thinking. There are a few OW on here who've been self-aware enough to tell their MP to stop as soon as they start talking about the future. To tell them that it's a very unfair topic of conversation. With xMW it got to the point where I didn't want to take part in those "future conversations " as I'd come to realise they focused our attention in the wrong place. Sad thing was, that left us talking about the present and, to be honest, she pretty much had nothing to say about that apart from blah blah, excuse, blah blah, excuse, blah blah excuse. She even used to say "I don't want to tallk about now, let's talk about the future" ... yep and we all know why don't we :) By the way I need a new acronym .. xMW just doensn't signify it for me any maybe I should go with ixMW .... where the i stands for irrelevant/inconsequential ... as in yes I had a R with them but I really am ambivalent about the whole thing now ... (perhaps axMW would be better then) ... Chris Quick edit: I guess what I am saying above is that when we talked about the future we had something we could talk about (since it was just imagination) however when we talked about right now we had nothing to talk about .. there was just a perpetual waiting on an "update" at her end, which never happended. Repeated meets with the conversation: OW/OM: "So .... " MP: "blah, blah, blah, blah" .. translated as "I've made to tangible, concrete step since our last meeting" become a bit dull after a while ... hence the use of the future to get something to talk about ... Chris, as a fBS thank you so much for your insightful post! It has helped me realize things I could not truly understand before. My H's fOW (D with young child) did start to pressure him as to where the relationship was going. He constantly deferred that he did not know, but always left a "hook" for the future. Even when he was pretty assured she wasn't "the one" he would leave me for, he never told her that, and just continued to enjoy her attentions....and allude to a future with her. That was so cowardly, and I told him so. So sorry you too had to go through this.
aloneinthedark Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Just, WOW. THIS thread has helped me more than I can express. My dh had an affair. I can totally understand the exchange of "i love you"s with the OW, because they were both emotionally in a tough spot at the time (he dealing with foo issues, and her husband divorcing her for an OW) and they both craved validation and a distraction from their real lives. It was the "future talk" that hurt me so much. The fact that they planned to marry and live happily ever after. He says now that he doesn't know why he ever told her that and that it was all some kind of fantasy.... I could never wrap my head around that. Your posts have helped me considerably to understand their relationship. Thank you.
Snowflower Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 My own take from xMW is that a) anything in the future was "safe" territory for her ... it didn't actually require any action b) talking about the future provided a convenient way of deflecting conversation from what was currently happening (which was always nothing) c) talking about the future allowed her (and me) to talk about "us" without actually talking about the bloody obvious ... her lack of divorce ! From my own experience it's EXCEEDINGLY dangerous (bit like Mr Kipling and his cakes) for OW/OM to take part in these future conversations. Even if you realise they are just convenient distractions and safe topics for the MP they are insidious and slowly affect your thinking. There are a few OW on here who've been self-aware enough to tell their MP to stop as soon as they start talking about the future. To tell them that it's a very unfair topic of conversation. With xMW it got to the point where I didn't want to take part in those "future conversations " as I'd come to realise they focused our attention in the wrong place. Sad thing was, that left us talking about the present and, to be honest, she pretty much had nothing to say about that apart from blah blah, excuse, blah blah, excuse, blah blah excuse. She even used to say "I don't want to tallk about now, let's talk about the future" ... yep and we all know why don't we :) By the way I need a new acronym .. xMW just doensn't signify it for me any maybe I should go with ixMW .... where the i stands for irrelevant/inconsequential ... as in yes I had a R with them but I really am ambivalent about the whole thing now ... (perhaps axMW would be better then) ... Chris Quick edit: I guess what I am saying above is that when we talked about the future we had something we could talk about (since it was just imagination) however when we talked about right now we had nothing to talk about .. there was just a perpetual waiting on an "update" at her end, which never happended. Repeated meets with the conversation: OW/OM: "So .... " MP: "blah, blah, blah, blah" .. translated as "I've made to tangible, concrete step since our last meeting" become a bit dull after a while ... hence the use of the future to get something to talk about ... Wow, Chris...thanks for sharing your perspective about this topic. It gives us fBS something to think about although I don't know how much my fWH and his OW talked about future plans...I would be naive to think that this topic was never discussed between them. I never asked my H about it. I equate this type of thinking/wishing to what would I do if I won the lottery--especially if I'm broke at the moment. It's kind of fun to imagine what I would have/do/accomplish but really, it's a distraction from the present predicament of not having any money! Similar to the "what-if" scenario of the MP/AP..."when we are both free to be each other, someday we'll..." (fill in the blank)
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Mombot: I think that you need to learn to communicate with your man better. Ask HIM about this. Bring it to his attention. I think you'd save yourself alot of anxiety if you went straight to the source. GEL
skylarblue Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Most of our planning is about the immediate future (will I/I’ll/I can’t see you tomorrow) or if he’s going out-of-town making plans for whatever day he’ll be returning. We don’t vakay or spend time away as a couple and “special” days we normally see each other like any other day. We don’t talk about plans relating to “our future” together other than telling me a few times that he thinks we’ll be together “…for a long time; forever” (but “telling” me the next day he may be moving away next year). We did make plans early in the year to spend a week together this summer (his W was suppose to be out-of-town) which we talked about for months until he “told” me the day before it was to happen that his W wasn’t going so it wouldn’t happen. It’s probably better that we don’t since his track record is 0-2. I don’t think I’d see it as anything other than a “pie in the sky” kinda thing anyway or just a way to kinda “keep me in there”. There really is no future for “us” other than how it is now and I can’t say that he’s led me to think so. He does talk about his future with his W though.
silverplanets Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I would change that ever so slightly to read: talking about the future allows you both to talk about "us" without there really being an "us".... That nebulous tomorrow which never really appears. Yep, with you on that one ... it gives you both something to talk about .. if not all you've got is what you've got .... ie someone else's partner sneaking out to you to basically ... well, have sex with you and massage their/your ego .... not that attractive a thought really , which is why the nebulous tomorrow is needed to make it less tacky/cheesy ... Chris, as a fBS thank you so much for your insightful post! It has helped me realize things I could not truly understand before. My H's fOW (D with young child) did start to pressure him as to where the relationship was going. He constantly deferred that he did not know, but always left a "hook" for the future. Even when he was pretty assured she wasn't "the one" he would leave me for, he never told her that, and just continued to enjoy her attentions....and allude to a future with her. That was so cowardly, and I told him so. So sorry you too had to go through this. No problem about me going through it spark ... I kinda did it to myself and the pain's long gone ... It forced me to take responsibiity for me though and that's been and still is being a good, no great !!!, thing :) Yep this imaginary future business is wierd ... and i can imagine it's really hard for a BS to accept, understand and forgive ... Wow, Chris...thanks for sharing your perspective about this topic. It gives us fBS something to think about although I don't know how much my fWH and his OW talked about future plans...I would be naive to think that this topic was never discussed between them. I never asked my H about it. I equate this type of thinking/wishing to what would I do if I won the lottery--especially if I'm broke at the moment. It's kind of fun to imagine what I would have/do/accomplish but really, it's a distraction from the present predicament of not having any money! Similar to the "what-if" scenario of the MP/AP..."when we are both free to be each other, someday we'll..." (fill in the blank) Yep SF .. agree with you .. when we are both free .... it's something to focus on, to distract from the obvious ... that you're at it behind someone's back and its exactly as cheesy as it sounds ..:) Like all fantasies, the real trouble comes when you find yourself believing it ... be safe Chris
Author Mombot Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Mombot: I think that you need to learn to communicate with your man better. Ask HIM about this. Bring it to his attention. I think you'd save yourself alot of anxiety if you went straight to the source. GEL How do you suggest I go about this?
TinaniT Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 When we were AP, MM talked about the future a lot. It made me very uncomfortable it the beginning because I was sure it couldn't be true. But he promised, and followed through, and we have quite a few future plans with each of the plans we made already going through as planned.
SidLyon Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Open your mouth and say: I feel this: insert feeling _______. You just have to open yourself up to it. It's way better than all the conspiracy theories you have floating around in your brain. EEG Mombot directed her question at greeneyedlady and emeraldeyedgirl replied. I know posters jump in all the time and reply to posts directed at others. Because of the name similarity though it gets a bit confusing - I'm assuming GEL and EEG are in fact 2 different people??
Fallen Angel Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 My sweetheart and I plan as far into the future as we need to. *shrug* We recently took a vacation together that was planned only 2 weeks in advance. We planned a birthday dinner for my child 3 months in advance. We planned next Christmas dinner, shortly after last Christmas dinner. We plan dates and have some dates that are very spontaneous. Almost everything we have ever planned to do, he has followed through with; those that he was unable to follow through with were due to work commitments not lack of desire to follow through. And he followed through as soon as possible once his time at work allowed. We have plans for next year. We have plans for two years from now. I have no more reason to disbelieve his plans for our future than I would have to disbelieve a single man's plans for a future with me. It is always dependent upon whether or not the relationship endures. There are no guarantees of a future. One plans a future with hope, never certainty, or else should be prepared to be disappointed.
Fallen Angel Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Mombot directed her question at greeneyedlady and emeraldeyedgirl replied. I know posters jump in all the time and reply to posts directed at others. Because of the name similarity though it gets a bit confusing - I'm assuming GEL and EEG are in fact 2 different people?? Yes, we can assume exactly that, just as we all assume that Myrtle is a different person than Sid.
2sunny Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Mombot: I think that you need to learn to communicate with your man better. Ask HIM about this. Bring it to his attention. I think you'd save yourself alot of anxiety if you went straight to the source. GEL How do you suggest I go about this? Open your mouth and say: I feel this: insert feeling _______. You just have to open yourself up to it. It's way better than all the conspiracy theories you have floating around in your brain. EEG it never matters how you feel - it only matters what you DO. actually i would suggest communicating clearly by stating exactly what you are or aren't going to put up with. this guy is working you and you are allowing it. stop doing it that way... just tell him straight up - don't contact me at all until your divorce is final.
Mimolicious Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I am so flattered... To be compared to GEL. I didn't realize that you couldn't respond to posts directed at other people. Apparently I am not the only one who didn't get the memo. EEG No but to be honest the tone of the post sounds more abrupt than helpful. Back to the subject. Wouldn't planning give the A a greater sence of reality? So of course the MM/MW is going to start gassing up the OW/OM about what they are going to do "Once the kids go to college", "Once the mortgage gets paid off", etc... I mean, they have to give a reason to stick around for. Of course, some A's do the things that they plan on doing like FA's but we don't see much of those.
SidLyon Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Yes, we can assume exactly that, just as we all assume that Myrtle is a different person than Sid. Of course we all assume Shadowcat and Jennie are not the same poster too! Different monikers so can't be the same right?
SidLyon Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I am so flattered... To be compared to GEL. I didn't realize that you couldn't respond to posts directed at other people. Apparently I am not the only one who didn't get the memo. EEG No I didn't get that memo either - I have always assumed it's ok for anyone to jump in. I just wanted to clarify the names. What makes you now realise it's not OK?
Fallen Angel Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Of course we all assume Shadowcat and Jennie are not the same poster too! Different monikers so can't be the same right? Shadowcat is not someone I know, so I couldn't speak to any similarities. Perhaps I will have to do a search.
Recommended Posts