Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. ~H.G. Wells

[OWoman]

You what?!!! Why did you consider it your duty to inform anybody who is not the BS about an adult person's sex life? If someone had found it their duty to inform me about any of my parents' sex life:

 

It was pretty much what happened to me, too.

 

I was already out of the house, but my younger sibling still lived at home with my parents. I was at the dentist when some big butch guy approached me. He recognised the surname (it's unusual) and asked if I was my father's daughter. On hearing my confirmation, he then proceeded to tell me that my father was bonking <the name of my father's now-W>.

 

I was outraged. I demanded of him why he felt this was my business, or more importantly, his business. He told me that the OW was "his GF", as if that somehow justified his actions - that just because he'd been "betrayed", he felt he had the right to hit out at everyone else within range, with the hope of hurting my father indirectly.

[SidLyon]

Sid, I am absolutely not questioning the time it is taking you to get over your husband's affair. I was questioning the opposite, that it was "very much in the past", which you made it sound like in the first post I quoted here, like everything was good and dandy and you were all over it.

 

This thread is not about me. The bit I posted about (contacting the son of the OW) is very much in the past as far as I'm concerned. Some of the rest of it not so much. So what if it sounded good and dandy and like I'm all over it? I'm not fully over my H's betrayal and won't be for a long time. Why the grilling of me about it Jennie?

[SidLyon]

So your morals is that it is okay to be vindictive?

 

Your words not mine. I consider the exposure of the affair to be a logical consequence of conducting it in the first place. Furthermore the OW was fully aware that I would consider telling her son if she again approached my husband. Perhaps she was calling my bluff.

[OWoman]

Your words not mine. I consider the exposure of the affair to be a logical consequence of conducting it in the first place.

 

And there I disagree, as the child of the WS who had the A exposed to her by a complete stranger. I considered it completely inappropriate and a display of that person's poor coping skills that they would seek to push THEIR issue onto an innocent bystander.

 

My father - correctly, IMO - chose not to involve me in his A. Why some random other person decided that he had the right to make it my business amounts, IMO, to poor judgment, vindictiveness and a lack of maturity.

 

I did not need to know - far less, to hear it from some maladjusted imbecile who couldn't deal with his own issues but had to foist them off on someone else just so that he could feel better.

[jennie-jennie]

This thread is not about me. The bit I posted about (contacting the son of the OW) is very much in the past as far as I'm concerned. Some of the rest of it not so much. So what if it sounded good and dandy and like I'm all over it? I'm not fully over my H's betrayal and won't be for a long time. Why the grilling of me about it Jennie?

 

Just interested. Nothing personal. I am happy that you are reconciling, and that you find help and support here on LS in your effort of doing so.

 

I think you understand, you have done some grilling of me at times too.

[OWoman]

IDEALLY, which means that is preferred but not necessary, and expecting to get honesty from the guy is a stretch. How many MM/MW tell their spouse they're cheating so they can find someone for themselves and quit wasting their time on a sham of a marriage? Honesty. Yeah.

 

 

My H did tell his xW he had "someone else" when he told her he would be leaving the M - she chose not to believe him. Some do, sometimes.

[bentnotbroken]

And there I disagree, as the child of the WS who had the A exposed to her by a complete stranger. I considered it completely inappropriate and a display of that person's poor coping skills that they would seek to push THEIR issue onto an innocent bystander.

 

My father - correctly, IMO - chose not to involve me in his A. Why some random other person decided that he had the right to make it my business amounts, IMO, to poor judgment, vindictiveness and a lack of maturity.

 

I did not need to know - far less, to hear it from some maladjusted imbecile who couldn't deal with his own issues but had to foist them off on someone else just so that he could feel better .

 

 

I would assume some BS feel the same about those involved in helping to hurt their families. Just a guess mind you.

[OWoman]

I would assume some BS feel the same about those involved in helping to hurt their families. Just a guess mind you.

 

Some BS feel that they don't want random strangers telling them their WS is having an A? I thought most BS here were in favour of the BS being told?

[Fieldsofgold]

So your morals is that it is okay to be vindictive?

 

JJ, i read in another thread that if your MM decided to leave you and go back to his W, you would tell her, because you didn't want him to live happily ever after with her if he chose her instead of you.

 

That sounded pretty vindictive to men.

 

I guess it is always easier to judge the other guy.

[bentnotbroken]

Some BS feel that they don't want random strangers telling them their WS is having an A? I thought most BS here were in favour of the BS being told?

 

 

As I said in my original post "I would assume some feel the same way" . As you always point out there are exceptions to every situation. And I don't know about most BS here, but I certainly do feel they should be told.

[bestplayer]

Sid, for real, is all of this worth it...it sounds like tit for tat...I take it your H didn't meet with her.

 

Sid, this will only hurt you in the long run as it sounds like much fear. How does telling her son and family help your situation...in all actuality it could make you look bad.

 

Nothing can change what happened, although you can change your future and not let this past stuff hinder your future...I really do see it as a continuous hinderence...so what if she contacts him...if he has an A, well that's on him...personally I'd be dealing with him...hey home boy...see her again and (you fill in the blank).

 

She still has a hold on you...don't let it bother you...if you know who you are and not let her contacting him threaten you...you win.

 

 

ok I find this debate weather to tell the ow's adult son about the affair or not is silly .

Are you suggesting that Sid was not supposed to expose those two people to ow's son who ruined her faimly ? why ?

If Ow was cheating on her husband any one would have informed ow's son about this , the fact is affairs can rarely be a secret for long .

 

Its ridiculous that OW thinks it is indecent to inform her son about her shamefull acts , while she has no problem continuing committing those indecent acts .

 

As some poster already said if ow was so worried as to what her kids would think ,she shouldn't have been cheating on their father & continued sleeping with Sid's husband .

 

And telling wouldn't make sid look bad ,not at all . In fact Sid & Ow's kids would be able to sympathize with each other as they are in similar situation .

 

 

 

Best of luck

.

[OWoman]

As I said in my original post "I would assume some feel the same way" . As you always point out there are exceptions to every situation. And I don't know about most BS here, but I certainly do feel they should be told.

 

 

Fair enough

 

I'm not in the "telling" lobby - I've always argued (apart from "special circumstances") that a R is the business of the two people in it.

[Ellin]

My point was that there are only two willing participants in a love triangle. BS's aren't even aware such a triangle exists. My response was to something JJ said earlier, about basically children are affected but not participants (including BS). BS's don't choose to be participants either so the damage is just as valid.

 

Of course BS don't choose to be BS (especially not as a conscious decision).

 

However, they are the ones DIRECTLY concerned and the children only indirectly. WS's relationship with W/H is automatically undermined by the A, but WS's relationship with children is not.

 

In fact, BS should do her/his best to minimise the damage done to the children and help preserve the children's relationship with the other parent for the children's own good.

[OWoman]

WS's relationship with W/H is automatically undermined by the A, but WS's relationship with children is not.

 

Absolutely! Our R with our father was rescued by his A.

[Ellin]

Your words not mine. I consider the exposure of the affair to be a logical consequence of conducting it in the first place. Furthermore the OW was fully aware that I would consider telling her son if she again approached my husband. Perhaps she was calling my bluff.

 

It is one thing for the OW/OM or WS to consider the possibility of the A being exposed - that is taking risk, and quite another for the BS to go and do it for own satisfation- that is vindictive, however you want to spin it.

[Ellin]

Absolutely! Our R with our father was rescued by his A.

As a child I used to wish my father would leave my mother and find another woman. I thought this was the only way I could have a normal father-daughter experience with him..

[bentnotbroken]

Of course BS don't choose to be BS (especially not as a conscious decision).

 

However, they are the ones DIRECTLY concerned and the children only indirectly. WS's relationship with W/H is automatically undermined by the A, but WS's relationship with children is not.

 

In fact, BS should do her/his best to minimise the damage done to the children and help preserve the children's relationship with the other parent for the children's own good.

 

 

This is only a fact for those involved and want an easy transition. If in fact, the damage to the children is concern of not just one parent but both(since it takes two to create life), then neither parent would do anything to bring shame or embarassement on their children. That would include everrything, drugs, alcohol, affairs, crime....whatever could harm the chidren. I have no responsibility in creating, maintaining or smoothing any relationship with my children and their father. It is only my job not to impede said relationship if it is desired by both parties.

 

I am not a maid:mad:and cleaning up the mess of two grown people not in my job discription as a parent. And not all relationships with children are for the child's good. As evidenced by OWoman's step children and their mother. A healthy relationship is more important than blood ties...thank you very much.

[jennie-jennie]

Of course BS don't choose to be BS (especially not as a conscious decision).

However, they are the ones DIRECTLY concerned and the children only indirectly. WS's relationship with W/H is automatically undermined by the A, but WS's relationship with children is not.

 

In fact, BS should do her/his best to minimise the damage done to the children and help preserve the children's relationship with the other parent for the children's own good.

 

And that is why it is only the BS who is betrayed by the affair, not the children.

[bentnotbroken]

It is one thing for the OW/OM or WS to consider the possibility of the A being exposed - that is taking risk, and quite another for the BS to go and do it for own satisfation- that is vindictive, however you want to spin it.

 

 

Maybe vindictive, maybe not. She made a decision, just like the cheating spouse...who by the way usually has a bag of reasons why...nothing them make sense either. You never know what you are going to get when you push a BS too far. Part of the possibilities and reprecussions.

[jennie-jennie]

JJ, i read in another thread that if your MM decided to leave you and go back to his W, you would tell her, because you didn't want him to live happily ever after with her if he chose her instead of you.

 

That sounded pretty vindictive to men.

 

I guess it is always easier to judge the other guy.

 

I never said I was without fault. But realize, in my case I would be doing it because I do not want my MM to be happy, not because I do not want his wife to be happy. It is something between him and I, like a relationship should be. Even if it of course unfortunately would have an effect on her too.

 

In Sid's case she did it to get to the MOW.

[Ellin]

This is only a fact for those involved and want an easy transition. If in fact, the damage to the children is concern of not just one parent but both(since it takes two to create life), then neither parent would do anything to bring shame or embarassement on their children. That would include everrything, drugs, alcohol, affairs, crime....whatever could harm the chidren. I have no responsibility in creating, maintaining or smoothing any relationship with my children and their father. It is only my job not to impede said relationship if it is desired by both parties.

 

I am not a maid:mad:and cleaning up the mess of two grown people not in my job discription as a parent. And not all relationships with children are for the child's good. As evidenced by OWoman's step children and their mother. A healthy relationship is more important than blood ties...thank you very much.

AS you said, it is your job not to do anything that could destroy or damage the other parent's R with his/her children.

 

So just because the WS had an A (took action which could result in his/her R with children to be badly affected) that doesn't give the BS the right to act in the same way. The BS is not relieved from the duty to put the children's interest first.

[bentnotbroken]

AS you said, it is your job not to do anything that could destroy or damage the other parent's R with his/her children.

 

So just because the WS had an A (took action which could result in his/her R with children to be badly affected) that doesn't give the BS the right to act in the same way. The BS is not relieved from the duty to put the children's interest first.

 

 

Not relieved of duty at all. That duty does not nor has it ever included my lying to make their father look good. I am concerned with my own relationship and I have no intention of every lying to them and then they look back and figure out they can't trust me either. That's bull. Do you have children?

[bentnotbroken]

AS you said, it is your job not to do anything that could destroy or damage the other parent's R with his/her children.

 

So just because the WS had an A (took action which could result in his/her R with children to be badly affected) that doesn't give the BS the right to act in the same way. The BS is not relieved from the duty to put the children's interest first.

 

 

And did not say anything about damaging or destroying their relationship with their father. He did that all on his own. I said it wasn't my job to impede anything that both parties wanted. At this point it isn't something that is wanted. They don't trust him, they don't respect his actions or his continued lying once he was exposed. I will never stand in the way if they chose to build a new relationship. But I will not try to put together the relationship he so skillfully destroyed. You can cover lies with sugar and they are still lies.

[bentnotbroken]

I never said I was without fault. But realize, in my case I would be doing it because I do not want my MM to be happy, not because I do not want his wife to be happy. It is something between him and I, like a relationship should be. Even if it of course unfortunately would have an effect on her too.

 

In Sid's case she did it to get to the MOW.

 

Just like whatever you do with/for MM is for whatever benefits you. She did what benefitted her.

[bestplayer]

AS you said, it is your job not to do anything that could destroy or damage the other parent's R with his/her children.

 

So just because the WS had an A (took action which could result in his/her R with children to be badly affected) that doesn't give the BS the right to act in the same way. The BS is not relieved from the duty to put the children's interest first.

 

so that the cheating spouse keeps lying to the faimly & yet manage to look like a great parent until some stranger walks up to one of the children to tell them that their father/mother is sleeping with his/her spouse ?

So how should Bs cover it up for the WS in this case ?

Edited July 24, 2010 by bestplayer