Is this what guys do after breakups?

[bluz73]

I have came to a complete sense of relief today to find out some info on my ex that makes letting go so much easier.

Since my ex(31) is in a social circle of my teenagers friends (his new gf is 19) I hear stories and to my suprise it has made me feel so much better about the break up.

When him and I dated he was a very laid back, loner type of guy, He didnt drink or smoke weed. He was into that life style before I met him and then he became a classy kind of guy. I am an occassional drinker, never was into the whole party scene.

I laugh to find out that my ex is now smoking "blunts' and drinking and having partys all the time at his apartment and a bad area of town with barely legal teenagers and his girlfriend.

Not saying anything is wrong with having a get together now and then and have some drinks, but with some class, not with a bunch of criminal, drugged out losers.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM? He is no longer the good guy doing the right thing, he is now trying to socially fit in with a bunch of teenagers.

This amuses me but saddens me that his life has turned back for the worse. Knowing this makes me realize while we were together he was atleast had self respect, and that now he isnt with a grown woman, he is doing things that I find unattractive and self destructive all to be like her and her firends, and I feel relieved knowing I am still the classy girl he knew years ago and he is no longer the man I dated.

I feel now as if I never knew him or we never were together it was all a bad dream.

Is this letting go? Is this what guys do after a breakup? Or is this his way of keeping the girl?

I feel so much better about myself and life to know I still have morals and I dodged a huge bullet

[Thorgs]

I have came to a complete sense of relief today to find out some info on my ex that makes letting go so much easier.

Since my ex(31) is in a social circle of my teenagers friends (his new gf is 19) I hear stories and to my suprise it has made me feel so much better about the break up.

When him and I dated he was a very laid back, loner type of guy, He didnt drink or smoke weed. He was into that life style before I met him and then he became a classy kind of guy. I am an occassional drinker, never was into the whole party scene.

I laugh to find out that my ex is now smoking "blunts' and drinking and having partys all the time at his apartment and a bad area of town with barely legal teenagers and his girlfriend.

Not saying anything is wrong with having a get together now and then and have some drinks, but with some class, not with a bunch of criminal, drugged out losers.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM? He is no longer the good guy doing the right thing, he is now trying to socially fit in with a bunch of teenagers.

This amuses me but saddens me that his life has turned back for the worse. Knowing this makes me realize while we were together he was atleast had self respect, and that now he isnt with a grown woman, he is doing things that I find unattractive and self destructive all to be like her and her firends, and I feel relieved knowing I am still the classy girl he knew years ago and he is no longer the man I dated.

I feel now as if I never knew him or we never were together it was all a bad dream.

Is this letting go? Is this what guys do after a breakup? Or is this his way of keeping the girl?

I feel so much better about myself and life to know I still have morals and I dodged a huge bullet

I would look at it from his point of view. I don't know either of you or what happened. If you broke up with him he was probably hurting and was reaching out to anyone who could help him stop his downward spiral into depression. Sadly, it ended up being a 19 y/o.

 

That's how it is for me anyways, well, minus hanging out with teenagers I have looked for help but not gotten any in real life. LS is the only thing that's helped me thus far.

 

Who knows, I could be totally wrong with my assessment.

[bluz73]

I would look at it from his point of view. I don't know either of you or what happened. If you broke up with him he was probably hurting and was reaching out to anyone who could help him stop his downward spiral into depression. Sadly, it ended up being a 19 y/o.

 

That's how it is for me anyways, well, minus hanging out with teenagers I have looked for help but not gotten any in real life. LS is the only thing that's helped me thus far.

 

Who knows, I could be totally wrong with my assessment.

 

Well, I left him for a few months and was uncertain of returning because of issues he had'nt fixed in his life and when I did return to give him a chance, He had went out with the teen while I was gone , and ultimately chose her over me, Maybe cause he was afraid I would leave again, but I see your point in him doing this to cope, but a grown man acting like a fool with teenagers is not what I expected.

Maybe I was too much of a "good girl" not the party type girl the wife material girl and I was boring but he didnt mind for 4.5 years.

Now he is with someone who enjoys drugs and beer and I am suprised.

But relieved that I no longer have to associate with him and his immorral behaviors.

[Thorgs]

Well, I left him for a few months and was uncertain of returning because of issues he had'nt fixed in his life and when I did return to give him a chance, He had went out with the teen while I was gone , and ultimately chose her over me, Maybe cause he was afraid I would leave again, but I see your point in him doing this to cope, but a grown man acting like a fool with teenagers is not what I expected.

Maybe I was too much of a "good girl" not the party type girl the wife material girl and I was boring but he didnt mind for 4.5 years.

Now he is with someone who enjoys drugs and beer and I am suprised.

But relieved that I no longer have to associate with him and his immorral behaviors.

Well, I'm not defending him in any way, but when my ex left me my world came to a halt while everyone around me kept living life. It hurt me so bad...I felt empty, alone, depressed, suicidal, etc...but I never gave in to alcohol. Maybe it was because I have no local friends, or maybe because I am broke, but I knew at the same time that it would be a bad move. (I was never a big drinker but I have been on a couple binges and 2 weeks before the break I quit drinking). I feel sorry for him in a sense that his world might have been turned upside down, but I can't justify shacking up with a 19 y/o to help cope because he's hurting. I would just feel down right awkward hanging out with such young girls...especially since they aren't old enough to even drink!

 

Anyways, I'm glad to hear that you are happy

[txsilkysmoothe]

You are criticizing him for dating a teenager and hanging out with teenagers. Yet you also have a circle of teenage friends. Why the double standard?

[bluz73]

You are criticizing him for dating a teenager and hanging out with teenagers. Yet you also have a circle of teenage friends. Why the double standard?

Please re read, I DONT HAVE A CIRCLE OF TEENAGE FRIENDS...my teenage kids do! When the visit my kids they told me stories...So no I am a grown women and relate to grown ups thanks

[alphamale]

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM?

he's having the classic mid-life crisis

[bluz73]

Well, I'm not defending him in any way, but when my ex left me my world came to a halt while everyone around me kept living life. It hurt me so bad...I felt empty, alone, depressed, suicidal, etc...but I never gave in to alcohol. Maybe it was because I have no local friends, or maybe because I am broke, but I knew at the same time that it would be a bad move. (I was never a big drinker but I have been on a couple binges and 2 weeks before the break I quit drinking). I feel sorry for him in a sense that his world might have been turned upside down, but I can't justify shacking up with a 19 y/o to help cope because he's hurting. I would just feel down right awkward hanging out with such young girls...especially since they aren't old enough to even drink!

 

Anyways, I'm glad to hear that you are happy

 

I dont think he is depressed or hurting at all. I do believe he is reliving his teen years through her and her friends...maybe his way of forgetting me..But honestly he looks like a freaking fool in my opinion.

It is quite odd for him to shack up with a teenager and underage drinkers, but when he wakes up one day when she finds a new boytoy and realize how dumb he looks then I will be so far gone from him he will never have the chance to explain.

[bluz73]

he's having the classic mid-life crisis

 

At 31 ALPHAMALE? Really? today he was splashing around in the creek drinking with teenagers LOL..So how long do these things last?

This has eased my mind that it wasnt me that was the problem all along he was

[alphamale]

At 31 ALPHAMALE? Really?

sure, in men the mid-life crisis can happen anywhere between 30 and 50 years old

[Yamaha]

He's trying to fit in with his new gf and her friends.

They will tire of him and then he will be calling you for a rebound.

Beware......

[bluz73]

He's trying to fit in with his new gf and her friends.

They will tire of him and then he will be calling you for a rebound.

Beware......

Yamaha I agree with you he is trying to fit in...This childish behavior has been going on for 6 months so...NO WAY in a million years that I would even let him back in mylife..Knowing who is now, I have lost all attraction to him, He is not the kind of guy I would be interested in. I like guys to have fun but not guys who act like a teenager and that smokes weed and drinks beer daily, I want a grown man with morals and standards...So it wont ever happen lol

This has helped me heal knowing he was wrong for me all along.

[Thorgs]

Yamaha I agree with you he is trying to fit in...This childish behavior has been going on for 6 months so...NO WAY in a million years that I would even let him back in mylife..Knowing who is now, I have lost all attraction to him, He is not the kind of guy I would be interested in. I like guys to have fun but not guys who act like a teenager and that smokes weed and drinks beer daily, I want a grown man with morals and standards...So it wont ever happen lol

This has helped me heal knowing he was wrong for me all along.

I'm glad you healed from this. I wish my ex would do something stupid to help me heal, this is so hard.

 

I try to be mature (I'm 28) but there's such a kid in me that sometimes it's just plain hard...but I would never go out and party up with youngins unless I was on my death bed and no family or friends were around to spend the time with

[Norville_Rogers]

Don't be surprised if one day he realizes what an ass he has been and comes crawling back to you saying that he's made a mistake. i just hope that you do the right thing and NOT take him back.

[DenverBachelor]

At 31 ALPHAMALE? Really?

 

Yeah, really. 30's is not old at all. You're still young looking with a lot more wisdom. It's actually probably one of the best decades of life.

Edited July 22, 2010 by DenverBachelor

[DenverBachelor]

Ps: Good for him for having the time of his life and having fun.

 

Now, let's talk about why you REALLY started this thread? Looking for an excuse?

[bluz73]

Ps: Good for him for having the time of his life and having fun.

 

Now, let's talk about why you REALLY started this thread? Looking for an excuse?

There is a fine line between having good old adult fun with the buddys fishing football drinking beer, but when your only friends consists of teenagers buying them alcohol smoking weed staying up til 4 am acting like them just for an ego boost to act cool or be the cool guy that does cool things, That is another story in my book. I def can have a fun time myself but I dont tend to hang with the under 20 crowd either.

LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE??? Please explain?

No excuse just again trying to figure out why the heck I didnt know this behavior of his was coming??

[bluz73]

Don't be surprised if one day he realizes what an ass he has been and comes crawling back to you saying that he's made a mistake. i just hope that you do the right thing and NOT take him back.

Well its been almost a year of his foolish behavior and I guess he is having the time of his life, So he wont be coming back until she wises up and dumps him. I promise I wont go down that road again, I have morals and standards and his type is not on my list of interests. I actually used to be intensely attracted to him and his relaxed mature peronallity, but now who he has become, I am sickend and the attraction is gone.

WOW it feels good not like him anymore. I care for him but not as a lover.

I only started this thread to see if any other guys went off their rockers after a break up or if this some type of crisis he is in, It helps me know to what to look for in future men

[DenverBachelor]

There is a fine line between having good old adult fun with the buddys fishing football drinking beer, but when your only friends consists of teenagers buying them alcohol smoking weed staying up til 4 am acting like them just for an ego boost to act cool or be the cool guy that does cool things, That is another story in my book. I def can have a fun time myself but I dont tend to hang with the under 20 crowd either.

LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE??? Please explain?

No excuse just again trying to figure out why the heck I didnt know this behavior of his was coming??

 

The key phrase out of everything you just said is "in my book." Who are *you* to judge what is appropriate or inappropriate fun for someone else? If he's happy, good for him. If he wants to hang out with teenagers and stay up till 4am drinking booze and smoking weed and that makes him happy, then that's all that matters "in his book."

 

I'm willing to bet you do things that others would find strange, weird, bizaare, etc. One thing you learn as you go through life is that everyone has their poison -- be it drugs, sex, music, love, alcohol, weed, etc.

 

Leave the judging up to someone in a position to judge. You're in no position to judge someone else's lifestyle by comparing it to your own.

 

The excuse I'm referring to is that you're looking (reaching) for external reasons to write him off. That's fine -- but it's hallow. You need to worry about yourself and not your ex-boyfriend. He's out of your life, and if you continue to use him as a metric to measure your own life, you're going to find out that it's a dead-end road. The only metric you need to measure your life with is your own expectations and goals that you set for yourself.

 

Now let him live his life and you go live yours and stop judging him based on your interpretation of how to live life.

[bluz73]

The key phrase out of everything you just said is "in my book." Who are *you* to judge what is appropriate or inappropriate fun for someone else? If he's happy, good for him. If he wants to hang out with teenagers and stay up till 4am drinking booze and smoking weed and that makes him happy, then that's all that matters "in his book."

 

I'm willing to bet you do things that others would find strange, weird, bizaare, etc. One thing you learn as you go through life is that everyone has their poison -- be it drugs, sex, music, love, alcohol, weed, etc.

 

Leave the judging up to someone in a position to judge. You're in no position to judge someone else's lifestyle by comparing it to your own.

 

The excuse I'm referring to is that you're looking (reaching) for external reasons to write him off. That's fine -- but it's hallow. You need to worry about yourself and not your ex-boyfriend. He's out of your life, and if you continue to use him as a metric to measure your own life, you're going to find out that it's a dead-end road. The only metric you need to measure your life with is your own expectations and goals that you set for yourself.

 

Now let him live his life and you go live yours and stop judging him based on your interpretation of how to live life.

 

Wow so defensive did I hit a nerve?

Well I can JUDGE him he was in my life a long time therefore, figuring out this whole thing for future relationships, helps me thats why I started this thread. I want to find other men/women who completely changed into someone different after a breakup.

Yes he may seem happy and thats fine with me, It just completelly threw me for a loop to know I ever was associated with someone of his kind for so long and never knew he had a different side to him, that the majority of grown classy men and women would look at at his behavior and for one laugh and 2 run the heck away from. Most educated mature women wants a stable man without the drugs and alchohol and more importantly ones without a fetish for teenagers.

I have many reasons to write him off this is just one of them.

So lets stay with the question at hand which would be..Do men at this age after a breakup go through a complete midlife crisis or change in behavior? This helps me when I begin the dating scene to know the man I am potentially going to get close to has been there done this after their own breakup and not put me through this...My breakup with this man has caused me so many insecurities about dating the more info i learn about men will help me on my quest to find true everlasting love Thanks

[DenverBachelor]

Wow so defensive did I hit a nerve?

Well I can JUDGE him he was in my life a long time therefore, figuring out this whole thing for future relationships, helps me thats why I started this thread. I want to find other men/women who completely changed into someone different after a breakup.

Yes he may seem happy and thats fine with me, It just completelly threw me for a loop to know I ever was associated with someone of his kind for so long and never knew he had a different side to him, that the majority of grown classy men and women would look at at his behavior and for one laugh and 2 run the heck away from. Most educated mature women wants a stable man without the drugs and alchohol and more importantly ones without a fetish for teenagers.

I have many reasons to write him off this is just one of them.

So lets stay with the question at hand which would be..Do men at this age after a breakup go through a complete midlife crisis or change in behavior? This helps me when I begin the dating scene to know the man I am potentially going to get close to has been there done this after their own breakup and not put me through this...My breakup with this man has caused me so many insecurities about dating the more info i learn about men will help me on my quest to find true everlasting love Thanks

 

First of all, no I'm not getting defensive with you. You started this thread with the question, "Is this what guys do after a breakup?" So you're already willing to jump at stereotyping guys in general. You're 36 years old and you haven't figured this out yet? You haven't been around long enough to realize that this isn't a man vs. woman issue but a "this was just one guy making a personal choice to do whatever it is he thought or thinks will make him happy."

 

If you think drinking or doing drugs makes someone a bad person, then you've been living an extremely sheltered life.

 

I'm sure you're hurt. You're ex left you for some young blood. **** happens. My ex left me for a dumb as a sack of bricks professional snowboarder. If that's what makes her happy, then I'm the one at fault for making a poor decision in thinking she was someone she is not. Instead of you looking at the external and assuming it was THEIR fault, you need to figure out what you were doing with him for so long despite being unable to see his true nature.

 

Also, people change. People are constantly in a state of flux. Some move faster than others. Just because someone was a bad person from your vantage point doesn't mean they can't or won't become a better person. The same holds in reverse as well.

 

People always like to shuffle off responsibility and think things like, "oh look at my ex, he or she is now doing this so they're an *******!" It doesn't matter what they're doing. The point is very simple. The relationship failed. Doesn't mean you're a bad person or he's a bad person so stop spending precious time trying to figure him out well after the breakup.

 

I'm just giving you some tough love because you need it. As soon as a person says, "I'm done," then they cease to be relevant in your life. They quit, not you. Who wants to spend time figuring out their motivations or what's going through their head? It doesn't matter -- they quit. They're gone, and that gives you a large opportunity to find someone even better for YOU. Not someone better in the absolute sense of the word -- but better for YOU.

 

It's about YOU, not HIM.

[bluz73]

First of all, no I'm not getting defensive with you. You started this thread with the question, "Is this what guys do after a breakup?" So you're already willing to jump at stereotyping guys in general. You're 36 years old and you haven't figured this out yet? You haven't been around long enough to realize that this isn't a man vs. woman issue but a "this was just one guy making a personal choice to do whatever it is he thought or thinks will make him happy."

 

If you think drinking or doing drugs makes someone a bad person, then you've been living an extremely sheltered life.

 

I'm sure you're hurt. You're ex left you for some young blood. **** happens. My ex left me for a dumb as a sack of bricks professional snowboarder. If that's what makes her happy, then I'm the one at fault for making a poor decision in thinking she was someone she is not. Instead of you looking at the external and assuming it was THEIR fault, you need to figure out what you were doing with him for so long despite being unable to see his true nature.

 

Also, people change. People are constantly in a state of flux. Some move faster than others. Just because someone was a bad person from your vantage point doesn't mean they can't or won't become a better person. The same holds in reverse as well.

 

People always like to shuffle off responsibility and think things like, "oh look at my ex, he or she is now doing this so they're an *******!" It doesn't matter what they're doing. The point is very simple. The relationship failed. Doesn't mean you're a bad person or he's a bad person so stop spending precious time trying to figure him out well after the breakup.

 

I'm just giving you some tough love because you need it. As soon as a person says, "I'm done," then they cease to be relevant in your life. They quit, not you. Who wants to spend time figuring out their motivations or what's going through their head? It doesn't matter -- they quit. They're gone, and that gives you a large opportunity to find someone even better for YOU. Not someone better in the absolute sense of the word -- but better for YOU.

 

It's about YOU, not HIM.

 

Well why this is bothersome to me so badly is this guy was a part of my now 18 and 16 year old kids lives and for him to now date someone their age sickens me cause he was somewhat a father figure to them and could have been their step father so it totally creeps me out. I hope you can understand where I am coming from on that.

I just feel sometimes his actions is about me, that I was too focused on my future and guiding my kids in the right direction away from drugs and drinking and being educated that it made him want to relive his teen years.

To be frank I do not associate myself with drug users in any form. I dont mind someone who drinks here and there but when it comes to grown men hanging with teens and buying them alcohol, that turns my stomach.

You are right its his life he is gone and I need to focus on me but I bet many other people felt the same way after their break up when they found out that the person that they shared the most intimate times of their lives with was somebody different.

I also havent dated much in life I am a committed type of woman and have had less then 5 relationships. So maybe I am sheltered but atleast I can wake up everyday and say I never did drugs and I wouldnt give my kids male friends a second look if they came onto me which they have.

Thanks for your advice.

[DenverBachelor]

Well why this is bothersome to me so badly is this guy was a part of my now 18 and 16 year old kids lives and for him to now date someone their age sickens me cause he was somewhat a father figure to them and could have been their step father so it totally creeps me out. I hope you can understand where I am coming from on that.

I just feel sometimes his actions is about me, that I was too focused on my future and guiding my kids in the right direction away from drugs and drinking and being educated that it made him want to relive his teen years.

To be frank I do not associate myself with drug users in any form. I dont mind someone who drinks here and there but when it comes to grown men hanging with teens and buying them alcohol, that turns my stomach.

You are right its his life he is gone and I need to focus on me but I bet many other people felt the same way after their break up when they found out that the person that they shared the most intimate times of their lives with was somebody different.

I also havent dated much in life I am a committed type of woman and have had less then 5 relationships. So maybe I am sheltered but atleast I can wake up everyday and say I never did drugs and I wouldnt give my kids male friends a second look if they came onto me which they have.

Thanks for your advice.

 

I think you answered your original question. He wasn't ready for the structured life of being a father figure. Since he is doing something you despise, it's best that he's out of your life and your kids life and doing what he needs to do.

 

There are plenty of great men out there waiting to meet a fit 36 year old woman who's got her **** together. So relish in the fact that you're now free to find the right man for your life and for your children.

[bluz73]

I think you answered your original question. He wasn't ready for the structured life of being a father figure. Since he is doing something you despise, it's best that he's out of your life and your kids life and doing what he needs to do.

 

There are plenty of great men out there waiting to meet a fit 36 year old woman who's got her **** together. So relish in the fact that you're now free to find the right man for your life and for your children.

You are right, he was immature then apparently and I was too blind and in love to see it. I don't have a problem with finding a man, its that I guess i am so badly burnt by this whole ex dating my kids friends friend that it got my brain so messed up that I am so confused and scared to let anyone get close to me.

I understand he is gone, I would never want him back, but what makes a grown man behave in such a manner, dating a teenager, hanging with her 17 year old friends and drinking ect? I know it shouldnt matter but why would any guy want that kind of life when they could have a grown woman with an already half decent life, with expirience and education and class. Im not sure if they are going to last (not likely cause she will grow up oneday) I hope one day he wakes up out of his childish behavior and realizes he lost a wife ready woman just to have some teen fun. That is sad to have thrown away a good thing for what he thinks is a good time right now.

[jlr]

No, this isn't what guys do when they breakup.

This is what douchebags do when they breakup.

It works both ways. My ex (a female) did some dumb **** after we split. She was the one out partying and hooking up, not me.