HopelessinDTW Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I *have* done as much as I can, without her cooperation at this point from a legal standpoint. We talked about this and agreed to proceed with a non-litigated divorce process. She has so far, refused to retain counsel, which means we cannot proceed. If I go the litigated route and serve her with papers, she can still stall indefinitely by doing the same thing. It just gets nastier and far more costly and will take a very long time to process through the court system. Let's forget about the legal poo for a minute: In the mean time, I am getting the full fine grit sanding treatment that I'm so familiar with. In the past, this has worked against me time and time again. She picked away and picked away until I give up and go with things I clearly don't want and clearly was not happy with but just got tired of the grind and gave in. With most things, I'm easy going and happily compromise or agree. Certain things though, I have a strong feeling about, but I let my feelings get compromised in this process of wearing away. That left me feeling resentful, displaced and disrespected, too worn down to continue to fight about. "Whatever." That's what is bugging me - the feeling again of not being heard, of having my position ignored, of not having my feelings respected. Just like all the stuff circling around her eating disorder, the things I said and expressed were just not heard, or they got pushed back on me until I kept quiet about them. That manipulation of my feelings has been a successful pattern for her, thus it continues. That dynamic is bad and it comes from two people, thus the relationship is bad. It isn't her fault, it is our fault. I'm not one to ever yell or raise my voice, so I guess it is easy to ignore and discount what I am saying. How do I end this cycle, be heard and have my boundaries and feelings respected? I can't make her hear me, I can't make her respect my feelings, and she doesn't care to do so voluntarily, thus I left the marriage. I do not want to repeat that in the future. If you file and she doesn't get a lawyer and respond...she defaults, and the divorce still goes on...it's just you running the show. While you're doing that, gather all her s**t and place it on the front lawn. That might get the message across. she has no respect for you...so you must fight fire with fire. Being nice didn't work, it's time for Plan B. Fight and be on the offensive..she'll soon realize that this is for real, no bluff, no more chances, no more being a "doormat" to her....good luck!
solitary_man Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 sorry if it sounded like I was "calling anyone out." I mainly just wanted to illustrate that you can either choose to support or you can choose to cut someone down. It's only natural for us to allow our personal experiences to affect the advice we give, but when we allow our personal experiences to affect the WAY we give advice, that's where things get tricky. It's not effective communication and doesn't help anybody. You're welcome to disagree with that, Habs, but you'll never convince me otherwise. That being said, I agree wholeheartedly with Hopeless' last post. My divorce in Idaho was fairly easy, but it was considered no-contest. If your spouse decides to contest it (i.e. alimony, ownership, custody, visitation, etc) things get ugly and lawyers get involved. Every state is different, though, and the bottom line is divorce isn't easy. Nobody ever said it was supposed to be. Hope you're able to find some peace at the end of the tunnel, JSG.
Author just_some_guy Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Thanks all who have responded. I'm not worried so much about the mechanics of divorce. Where I live, there are no causes. The litigated process takes a lot of time and money and we had agreed to a particular process, which she has reneged on. Let's not get caught up that so much. What I'm troubled with is the familiar pattern of being ground down, gently and persistently until I give up. What's my part in that? What is the dynamic at play that allows that to happen, to my unhappiness? How do I keep from getting into the same spot in the future?
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 This is precisely what I asked you... So I will ask you once again, because it seems you "didn't get" the question... JSG, the only one truly preventing you from turning this into a happening thing - is you. So - tell me - what's your payoff? If you're staying in a loop, pressing the re-play button over and over (and yup, it's you pressing it...) Lathering, rinsing and repe-repe-repe-repeating - What exactly is it doing for you to actually keep you there? What would it actually take for YOU to end it? (because it sounds as if you're engineering things to make her do it....) This isn't a marriage, It's chess. A game of strategy. So what's your strategy? or better yet - what's your game? Somewhere, something is 'rewarding' you for your prevarication. In many cases where one partner appears to have the upper hand, and the other seems to be trodden underfoot, there is in play a subtle game of power division, and each partner actually wields an element of control. You're not stupid, you're not an unintelligent, inarticulate powerless individual. But for some subtle reason, you're playing into this. What are you feeding in her, that she needs - and that you are actually happy to provide?
threebyfate Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 What's my part in that?As many have said, so many times before, your part is allowing her to get away with the nagging from Day 1. What is the dynamic at play that allows that to happen, to my unhappiness?We can only guess what your dynamic is. Possibly non-resolution of issues when discussions occur. When the two of you have agreed on something, whether it's a compromise or roll over by one of you, this issue has to die forever unless there's new information that comes into the picture. Notice how you keep asking the same questions, over and over again, even though you're getting answers for them? How members would assert their boundaries would be to stop responding. How do I keep from getting into the same spot in the future?Already told you. Words to actions.
HopelessinDTW Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Thanks all who have responded. I'm not worried so much about the mechanics of divorce. Where I live, there are no causes. The litigated process takes a lot of time and money and we had agreed to a particular process, which she has reneged on. Let's not get caught up that so much. What I'm troubled with is the familiar pattern of being ground down, gently and persistently until I give up. What's my part in that? What is the dynamic at play that allows that to happen, to my unhappiness? How do I keep from getting into the same spot in the future? I think the problem is she knows how to talk/argue, and you don't! So she wins every time. It's like having a political debate between Obama, and a 10 y.o. kid. Sorry for the analogy...but that's just my impression. So what you do is don't talk to her...by the actions I have described above (i.e. get lawyer, start divorce process, boot her a** out the door) will have you win the arguement...trust me. For some people words are just words...you need concrete actions to get your point across. Be strong, keep you focus, and don't waver.
OliveOyl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 It sounds like you're waiting for her "permission" to divorce her. You probably won't get that. Are you feeling guilty about being the one to end the marriage? You want her "agreement" so you won't feel bad about it? No matter who "initiates" it, it's going to be tough, you may never get agreement, you may not feel "good" about it for some time, even though you know it's the right thing to do. About why you are in the pattern of being "ground down", that's just a habit. You just need to give yourself permission and move ahead.
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