Angry at not being taken seriously, again and again

[just_some_guy]

Here I am, looping through another pattern from my marriage that just won't end.

 

I clearly state, "I'm done, I want to go through with the divorce. I do not want to go to counseling to fix it."

 

Tears and upset come forth.

 

Week later, "Let's talk." Ok, I go and talk. Bit by bit, she starts grinding away on me to back off a little.

 

She goes finally to visit an attorney, but chooses not to retain him.

 

We talk again. "Let's go to therapy one more time, I know you don't want to go fix it, I'm just not ready and need to talk about it more." By the end of the conversation, "Please keep an open mind, I'm really going to change."

 

Here I am, stumped, silent, angry. I spoke my truth. It was rejected. I was then worn down and I let it happen, again.

 

This has been a pattern in our relationship since before marriage. She gets her way by resisting, ignoring, dismissing or gradually and persistently wearing me down until I get tired or just give up.

 

I want to move on. I want to put this behind me.

 

I think the only thing that may work is to blatantly pick up a new GF and make sure she "catches" us.

[GorillaTheater]

She doesn't want a divorce. She's entitled to her feelings on the matter, and it's not a "rejection" of you that she declines to change her feelings at your urging.

 

If you want a divorce, then file.

[HappyAgain]

I know how you feel. Originally my xH begged me to wait a year to file for divorce - I didn't and filed 2 months later. He didn't want to give me his papers so we could finish the divorce. He stalled until he got a new girlfriend - I told him to send me the papers now that he had a new live-in girlfriend, he didn't - I gave up.

 

Then he calls me and accuses me of wanting him back when in fact what I was was finished, I was fed up with the games, the stalling, the waiting, dealing with a 40 year old child. He swore that he would divorce me two months later - that was over a year ago. He's been living with this same woman for the past year and he still hasn't divorced me - go figure! It's not a money issue as it only costs a few hundred dollars and I never wanted anything from him in the way of support. Whether it was spitefulness or what I don't know and don't care.

 

This past year I moved around a lot for work so I never was in one place long enough to file. I will be home soon for a few weeks and the first piece of business I am taking care of is paying the fees and divorcing that lazy loser.

 

Honestly, who cares what she thinks, how she feels, or anything else for that matter - file for divorce. If she doesn't want to respond then let it be her problem if the settlement doesn't go her way.

[TaraMaiden]

JSG, the only one truly preventing you from turning this into a happening thing - is you.

 

So - tell me - what's your payoff?

 

If you're staying in a loop, pressing the re-play button over and over (and yup, it's you pressing it...) Lathering, rinsing and repe-repe-repe-repeating -

 

What exactly is it doing for you to actually keep you there?

What would it actually take for YOU to end it? (because it sounds as if you're engineering things to make her do it....)

 

This isn't a marriage, It's chess.

 

A game of strategy.

 

So what's your strategy?

or better yet - what's your game?

[just_some_guy]

Hell, I don't know.

 

This is how "we" got a cat.

 

This is how "we" made choices for the kitchen remodel.

 

This is how "we" decided where to go on vacation.

 

This is how "we" bought furniture.

 

This is how "we" got married in the first place.

 

On the divorce process:

 

I moved out.

 

I retained a lawyer.

 

I started the ball rolling.

 

I said that's what I wanted.

 

Not sure what else I can do.

 

In the meantime, she chips away at me and wears me down. It always worked before. Not sure why exactly, but I just get tired and exasperated and give up. I've always found it hard to express myself, but when I do, it is perfectly clear. If she likes what she hears, it only needs saying once. If she doesn't like what she hears, it may as well have gone unsaid or said unto a brick wall.

Edited July 21, 2010 by just_some_guy

[solitary_man]

What exactly is it doing for you to actually keep you there?

What would it actually take for YOU to end it? (because it sounds as if you're engineering things to make her do it....)

 

 

I'm wrestling with this very same thing. The idealist in me believes that there may be some chance still, so I hold off. while people see it as me stringing her along. i have to admit, if she said to me tomorrow that she doesn't want to be married anymore, I'd probably be overjoyed.

 

I guess it's just a matter of following through on things. When it comes to leaving someone, there's no way to dress it up or make it any easier on either of you. there's no way to make it less painful by dragging it out.

[Enema]

So stop being spineless and actually follow through for once?

[solitary_man]

So stop being spineless and actually follow through for once?

 

You've obviously never left anyone?

[carhill]

LOL, stbx first went for the 10 year rule where she could get SS on my earnings, then, when that didn't pan out, she went on the divorce offensive, hounding me to 'get 'er done', then has botched up nearly every filing since (she filed, by our agreement) and, finally, I went down to the courthouse with her this week and witnessed another botched filing. The comedy of errors never ends. I gave her 'extra' to not have to pay attorney's fees (any more than I already had) and I'm seeing now that this was a mistake. I should have filed myself, or at least formally responded and paid more filing fees and pushed this thing along. Everything I've questioned as being 'wrong' procedurally has turned out to be wrong.

 

Sounds like our marriage. I'll be so, so, SO glad when this is done. Did a mention I'll be ecstatic, orgasmic?....oh, right, I did.

 

OP, don't screw around. File and have her served. That's the EASY part, trust me...

[Enema]

You've obviously never left anyone?

 

I have.

 

But keep on trying to delude yourself that this situation isn't your own fault.

[TaraMaiden]

Not sure what else I can do.

Oh hogwash.

of course you do.....

It's plastered all over this board....

 

In the meantime, she chips away at me and wears me down. It always worked before. Not sure why exactly, but I just get tired and exasperated and give up.

No, you gave up right in the beginning. This isn't 'giving up'. This is just playing games now.

 

I've always found it hard to express myself, but when I do, it is perfectly clear. If she likes what she hears, it only needs saying once. If she doesn't like what she hears, it may as well have gone unsaid or said unto a brick wall.

Then shut up, and don't say anything.

Remember? "Actions speak louder than words"....?

 

Are you still moved out?

If you are, then file for divorce, and go No Contact. (see? That's also saying nothing and getting things done....)

 

If you're not moved out - go.

Move.

But don't tell her where. And don't respond to her texts, or anything.

it will be just the same old, same-old-same-old-same-old.....

 

It's time to stop whingeing and to start winning.

 

 

Checkmate.

[just_some_guy]

Thanks for the perspective. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at me for falling for this crap again and again.

 

I'm still moved out, not wearing a ring and not going back, ever.

[cavedweller]

I don't see a problem here..Go hire a lawyer and start the paperwork...Get the marriage behind you and move on with your life.

 

If you want a divorce go get one.

[LittleTiger]

I don't know if I'm missing something here because this seems very clear cut to me.

 

If you want out, then file and be done with it.

 

I didn't really want my marriage to be over but my number one priority was being in control of my own life (which sounds like what you want too), so I filed.

 

Hurt like hell, but it had to be done.

 

If you've read my recent thread about finalising my divorce, you'll see I'm struggling to bang the final nail in, but I know it's my responsiblity. Fear of the unknown is making me hesitate but my life can't move on until I've done it.

 

If you really believe you're not going back, ever, then you have to ask yourself what's stopping you from going forward. If you don't find the answer to that question you could be stuck on this merry-go-round you have created, for the rest of your life.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for the perspective. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at me for falling for this crap again and again.

 

I'm still moved out, not wearing a ring and not going back, ever.

 

Have you got a really good buddy, you've confided in, off this forum, "In Real Life"?

 

Do they know about this?

Then call 'em.

Tell him (I'm assuming it would be a 'him', here....) and get him to come with you to wherever divorces are filed, and to stand over you, make you do it, and make you see it through.

Tell him that he has to sit on you until you do it, and then find a way - any way possible at your means and fingertips - to prevent yourself from retracting the paperwork and halting the process.

Even if it means going away on holiday, and leaving all means of contact far behind (mobile phones, everything.)

 

Jeesh, at a push, I'd come over and BE that 'buddy'!!

 

Oh, and this...?

 

I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at me for falling for this crap again and again.

Is either a lame justification for the thread, or a change of heart, given that the thread title is -

 

Angry at not being taken seriously, again and again

 

Which would imply that she's the one at fault for this mess, not you.

So shifting blame didn't work.

Put the responsibility where it belongs, quit being mad, and be decisive.

Act, fer chrissakes.....!

Edited July 22, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[habs53]

Thanks for the perspective. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at me for falling for this crap again and again.

 

I'm still moved out, not wearing a ring and not going back, ever.

Mmmm, i have read this a few times. Im not so sure you dont go back. Time will tell, that is if she doesnt move on.

[TaraMaiden]

Ah yes..... the "not going back ever"....

 

That's yet another problem.

 

He may not be there in person, but of course....he's never really 'left' at all.

Has he?

[solitary_man]

JSG-

there's no easy way to go about it. take a long, hard look inside and ask yourself what makes the next step so difficult. Here's what I've come up with in my own situation:

 

1. it would be nice if she filed so I would look less like a badguy.

2. it would be nice if she filed because it would symbolize her finally giving me something I want.

3. it would be nice if she filed so I would be "cleared" in a religious sense.

4. it would be nice if she filed so my guilt would be less severe.

5. it would be nice if she filed because it would be less effort and money for me to spend.

 

Each of these reasons are monumentally selfish and I know it. Therefore, I know that I'll need to file because as the leaver, I signed the contract that clearly stated I am an *******. I am going to have to learn to live with the fact that I messed up big. I'm going to have to learn how to look at myself in the mirror again. I'm going to have to figure out how to salvage my integrity.

 

If you were able to find the strength to leave, you've only run half the course, bro.

 

 

To everyone else: some (not all, but some) of these responses really sound like the posters are more interested in picking people apart than providing support. I'm sure you all know this, but sarcasm has no place in honest advice. I firmly believe you can 'call it like it is' without 'putting someone in his/her place.' If you don't know how to separate those two concepts, it's going cause problems in your future relationships.

Edited July 22, 2010 by solitary_man

[habs53]

JSG-

there's no easy way to go about it. take a long, hard look inside and ask yourself what makes the next step so difficult. Here's what I've come up with in my own situation:

 

1. it would be nice if she filed so I would look less like a badguy.

2. it would be nice if she filed because it would symbolize her finally giving me something I want.

3. it would be nice if she filed so I would be "cleared" in a religious sense.

4. it would be nice if she filed so my guilt would be less severe.

5. it would be nice if she filed because it would be less effort and money for me to spend.

 

Each of these reasons are monumentally selfish and I know it. Therefore, I know that I'll need to file because as the leaver, I signed the contract that clearly stated I am an *******. I am going to have to learn to live with the fact that I messed up big. I'm going to have to learn how to look at myself in the mirror again. I'm going to have to figure out how to salvage my integrity.

 

If you were able to find the strength to leave, you've only run half the course, bro.

 

 

To everyone else: some (not all, but some) of these responses really sound like the posters are more interested in picking people apart than providing support. I'm sure you all know this, but sarcasm has no place in honest advice. I firmly believe you can 'call it like it is' without 'putting someone in his/her place.' If you don't know how to separate those two concepts, it's going cause problems in your future relationships.

 

Fact of the matter is, nobody on here has the correct answers. Every relationship is different. What you may find as sarcasim is others opionions. You even bringing it up makes you no better. Some people on here do not feel like being supportive to this type of thing.

Some on here agree with separation because they have done it themselves. Some do not.

The leavers 8/10 have set themselves up for a pretty lonely life ahead of them. Thats fact.

Edited July 22, 2010 by habs53

[HappyAgain]

JSG-

To everyone else: some (not all, but some) of these responses really sound like the posters are more interested in picking people apart than providing support. I'm sure you all know this, but sarcasm has no place in honest advice. I firmly believe you can 'call it like it is' without 'putting someone in his/her place.' If you don't know how to separate those two concepts, it's going cause problems in your future relationships.

 

 

I know how it appears that people are trying to pick the OP apart but I think they are trying to give "tough love" because they have been there and they really do want the OP to understand his motivations for stalling.

 

I shared my story because I did give the ex time (in addition to other factors which I will not share here) and yet 2 years later I will end up filing and paying for it anyways. My reasons for not completing the divorce earlier had nothing to do with selfishness on my part other than never wanting to speak to my ex ever again.

 

He knew my family's address - he could have filed and sent the papers to them without ever needing to know where I live or needing to talk directly to me and yet he never did. In fact, after separating he told that he would take care of the divorce. However, I can understand how other people may of thought that I was stalling the divorce for other reasons and would have given me the same advice as they are in this thread. Hell, even the ex thought I was stalling because I wanted him back and that had never been my wish.

[GorillaTheater]

For my part, my statements stem from some irritation at the OP appearing to blame his wife for his own inaction. File or not, but own the decision. That, and his apparent resentment at the fact she doesn't see things the way he does. On what planet can we control what other people think?

[threebyfate]

If you keep rolling over to her insistent nagging and disrespect for your boundaries, what's her incentive to shut up and stop the erosion?

 

Put your foot down right out the gate and never be afraid to enforce those boundaries through action. As it relates to your current situation, file and get out of this untenable situation with a lifelong nag.

 

But I hope you've learned that when people keep pushing your boundaries, they don't respect you. If you put your foot down and they still won't stop, back it up with actions of moving on, sooner, rather than going down the road of a relationship and now marriage.

[just_some_guy]

I *have* done as much as I can, without her cooperation at this point from a legal standpoint. We talked about this and agreed to proceed with a non-litigated divorce process. She has so far, refused to retain counsel, which means we cannot proceed.

 

If I go the litigated route and serve her with papers, she can still stall indefinitely by doing the same thing. It just gets nastier and far more costly and will take a very long time to process through the court system.

 

Let's forget about the legal poo for a minute:

 

In the mean time, I am getting the full fine grit sanding treatment that I'm so familiar with.

 

In the past, this has worked against me time and time again. She picked away and picked away until I give up and go with things I clearly don't want and clearly was not happy with but just got tired of the grind and gave in.

 

With most things, I'm easy going and happily compromise or agree. Certain things though, I have a strong feeling about, but I let my feelings get compromised in this process of wearing away. That left me feeling resentful, displaced and disrespected, too worn down to continue to fight about. "Whatever."

 

That's what is bugging me - the feeling again of not being heard, of having my position ignored, of not having my feelings respected.

 

Just like all the stuff circling around her eating disorder, the things I said and expressed were just not heard, or they got pushed back on me until I kept quiet about them. That manipulation of my feelings has been a successful pattern for her, thus it continues.

 

That dynamic is bad and it comes from two people, thus the relationship is bad. It isn't her fault, it is our fault.

 

I'm not one to ever yell or raise my voice, so I guess it is easy to ignore and discount what I am saying.

 

How do I end this cycle, be heard and have my boundaries and feelings respected?

 

I can't make her hear me, I can't make her respect my feelings, and she doesn't care to do so voluntarily, thus I left the marriage.

 

I do not want to repeat that in the future.

[threebyfate]

You can't make her respect or listen to you. Hope you don't believe that moving out will change a lifelong pattern of negative, nagging behaviour. You're going to have to accept the fact that she's her own person and so are you. The reason she did this to you, is because you let her do it to you in the past.

 

I'm really shocked that anyone would put up with nagging behaviour. It's got to be the worst trait possible in any partner since it goes on and on and on, like a dentist's drill used on an unfrozen tooth. It gives me the heebie-jeebies imagining a life with a nag.

 

I can't and won't give you legal advice when it comes to a divorce. Variable jurisdictions will have variable rules. Discuss your options with your lawyer, ensuring that he/she is aware that you have limited means.

[LittleTiger]

JSG, I'm confused.

 

Are you angry then because she is stopping the divorce from going through, or are you angry at yourself as you said earlier for 'allowing' her to stop it? If you're angry at yourself then, as I suggested before, the answer is to make it happen - whatever you have to do.

 

From your last post it sounds as though you either have to serve her papers (whether she likes it not) or you have to wait until she's ready.

 

I don't know the divorce laws where you are, but in the UK, you can do it all yourself. No lawyers involved. Provided she is prepared to sign that she agrees to the divorce, and you have good grounds that the judge won't object to, that's pretty much all there is to it.

 

Not sure what happens if one party doesn't agree to the divorce though.