He wanted cold-turkey ending. Now he is texting me.

[Tziannia]

Because of the circumstances of our relationship: we are very very in love, but he is a professional musician who has to travel all over the country to make money, I thought (right from the start) it would be best not to be in a relationship with him. However, the more time I spent with him, the more I fell in love with him, and not once did he doubt our relationship. He treated me like gold.

 

Anyways, at the end of June, I snapped and told him that we should end it. Instead of like before, talking it through (for the 4th time), he said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, stop being so hot and cold with me. I want to be with you, but I cannot feel like my heart is going through this roller coaster. What, we get back together just for you to dump me again? NO. I would rather just not go through it again"... He walked out the door. He is in my town until the end of this month. I love him. Truly, intensely.. My love is so strong for him that I was terrfied of him leaving, which I always knew he would. I never understood how he could say he loved me, but yet was able to leave town... I have fear of abandonment... the distance terrified me. He was willing to go the distance, I wasn't... But, he is the most profound love I have ever had. We had an incredible intense romantic relationship.

 

I have spent the past 22 days since our breakup being totally devastated. I have tried to stay in touch with him, but his replies have been short. Finally, on Saturday I decided to go no contact.

 

Last night (Tuesday night, 3 days later,) he out-of-the-blue texted me, asking me if I was going to be at a concert he was at last night... I did end up going. We went straight to eachother, hugged eachother... but the rest of the night was awkward. We avoided eachother. He left early. I admittedly avoided him because it's so painful... I dont know what to talk about. We have a million things we could talk about. But, all I want to do is kiss him and hold him.

 

He left, and right then I texted him telling him how nice it was to see him, and how sorry I was for not talking to him more. He replied:

"Hey, same here. I was scattered and also very tired. Let's catch up this week sometime over a coffee"....

 

 

I haven't texted him back yet.. I feel like I should just let him go, leave town... we're both very sad and hurt, and the feelings are so sensitive and tender still.. However. I love him dearly.

 

What do I do? Should I text him back? Or should I stick to the no contact idea? I want him to heal. I want to heal.

Edited July 21, 2010 by Tziannia

[Jilly Bean]

If you want him to heal, and want yourself to heal, then continue NC.

 

And it sounds like you were the one who was still contacting him when he asked for NC. So, you need to stop that.

[Thorgs]

You said he was willing to go the distance, you weren't. So why do you feel so horrible now? If you truly want him back then you need to make it known to him and go that distance. Otherwise, let him go.

 

My ex put me through a rollercoaster at the end of our relationship. Whenever we got back together we never got a chance to talk about things because she was busy with her kids, studying for her NCLEX, or just plain too tired and would fall asleep. Bad communication is what ended my relationship.

[BellaBellaBella]

I'm sorry. I know professional musician's, actors and others who travel for work. They maintain good relationships with work. Why did you snap out of the blue? If this person is your one, then why the heck would you throw it away??????

 

You need to snap out of it or let him find someone who will be his anchor.

[Tziannia]

BellaBellaBella:

 

"You need to snap out of it or let him find someone who will be his anchor."

 

You're right... He needs someone to be his anchor. I realized through this short relationship how insecure I am with the 'notion' of dating a successful musician, it's like... He's a sheep amongst wolves. It's my own insecurities that ruined it.

 

Last night we had a hard run in. We ended up at the same BBQ, and he asked me for a ride home. We didn't talk for the entire duration of the ride home. Neither of us knew what to say. He said prior to his place, "Just drop me off here, I can walk the rest of the way home". I snapped and said: "We can't be friends like this, you can't ask me to be in your life and then not communicate with me." I started tearing up, the emotion of it was overwhelming.

 

He said "I can't be around you while you're emotional, I have enough to deal with." He slammed the door and walked away. I parked the car, chased him down the street and ran to him with open arms and said "NO WORDS" We stood there, on the sidewalk, entranced in eachothers grasp. I hugged him tightly, and he responded the same. I said "I am so sorry for everything I have done to you". Then his floodgates opened.

 

He said:

"I ****ING MOVED HERE FOR YOU. I QUIT A TOUR FOR YOU. I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, AND YOU BROKE IT. You're so flippant and you must understand that you cannot be that way, not in my life. You have to live with your decisions. You have lost me because of your flippancy. I wanted to love you, but you dumped me cold. Now you want me back? I can't take the hot and cold. I am only pushing you away because you were the one who wanted that. Now we have to stick by that decision." Then, he said "GOOD NIGHT! and walked away". I sat on the curb and cried.

 

... I find no one else but him attractive, emotionally or physically. I am utterly in love with him. This is such a tragedy

Edited July 22, 2010 by Tziannia

[daphne]

Tzi,

 

It sounds like you are emotionally unstable. I don't mean that to judge, but you are putting this guy through a lot because of your insecurities. It's normal in your situation to have them. I don't fault you for it because I think most people would have a hard time with it. However, it's your problem and you're throwing it on him.

 

He's right. You need to learn not to run slipshod over someone because your'e freaking out. If he did all of those things for you, moved to be with you and quit a tour which is his livelihood, unless there were some big red flags, he was trying to show you how important you were. You kept testing him and wanted more.

 

I would suggest therapy to figure out how to figure out better ways of dealng with abandonment issues. Because your current habits are ineffective and creating a self fulfilling prophecy. You freak out that he's going to leave and you push him away. So he left.

 

Maybe in time you can both heal from this and start over. But I recommend you get your emotions togther and start dealing with it head on. From your language, it seems like you are in love with drama.

[BellaBellaBella]

Seems like he truly loves you. Can you talk to him about your insecurities and tell him your fears and what causes you to push him away? It feels like you think your not good enough for him. Shouldn't you trust him to know if you are or not. Ask him to talk, if you want this to work. Make a point by point agenda. Tell him you appreciate what he has done for you.

Open your heart. I don't think you have anything left to lose but love.

[Tziannia]

He called me the other night and invited me over for a BBQ and beers. He was so attentive and took the time to sit with me (we were in mixed company) and ask me how life is going, and told me about his future plans. He said that he plans on moving back to my town at the end of November to live here for the winter--he found a job in town, so as soon as he's done his commitments in Calgary over the fall, he would like to come back here. As always, we hug eachother at the beginning and end of every encounter. I can feel him, if that makes sense... But he is being valiant and respectful of himself considering the situation. He is leaving on Friday, at 5pm to drive out to Vancouver and subsequently live out West until the winter (assuming he returns).

 

Whenever I get the chance, I tell him I love him unconditionally. He does not say it back anymore. We exchanged that word and expressed that feeling of love fluidly throughout our relationship. I am however, maintaining the distance he has asked me to respect, as it is in his best interest to heal from all the confusion, and I also want to gain some stronger insight upon his soon-to-be absence. I have to learn to be patient with my decisions, and respect and honour him--to the highest degree, before I consider trying to 'win him back'. At this point, time is less of a concern for me, and true resolve, insight and progress is more important. I truly have learned so much from this relationship, and through it all, I have nothing but more love and respect for him. I have seen his true colours through this, and even if I never get him back, he is the model for the kind of man I want to love again.

 

If it is truly meant to be, we will find eachother down the road.

Thanks so much for your honest opinions. Truly thankful!

Edited July 27, 2010 by Tziannia

[Tziannia]

Last night, we rented a hotel room and went crazy on eachother all night long. It was the best night we've ever had. He is leaving town in two days, but we connected in a way that reassured both of us that there is some serious love and connection there, now he is going to leave but at least we've burried the hatchet so to speak, and enjoyed eachother very much one last time. The future will unravel and perhaps we will meet again down the road.

[criss2000]

I dont think loving someone unconditionally is that healthy.

You reminde me a lot of me. Maybe it;s not the same situation.

My dad is an alcoholic and I have a lot of abandonment issues. I joined Al-Anon and I have been working thru it.

[EthanH]

sorry if I'm seeing things too simplistically, but I think it really is that simple, you either want to be with him or not. Nothing else really matters in my view. If you want him, you make the decision to trust him. I have been in his position with someone who is still insecure no matter how much I told them how much i liked them, and eventually, you get sick of having to try to convince them.

 

He seems to have set out pretty plainly that he wants to be with you. The sad thing is, you will probably eventually get over your insecurity, (mainly because you will realise that you have to do that in order to find happiness with someone), but in order to do that I get the feeling, you need to lose him. Looking at things from the outside, I can see how ridiculous things are, he is crazy about you, you are crazy about him, it really should be as simple as that. You need to sort the insecurity issues, not for him, but for you, and you should see it as something which is urgent.

 

Honestly, if you could see your situation from the outside, you would be able to see how simple things are. I wish you could.

 

I hope you are able to plough through all the unimportant intricacies of this tangled mess and have the strength to do the right thing.

[Tziannia]

Aww... Thanks Criss and EthanH, really.

 

He drove back out to Calgary, left my town on Friday. He called me today, I was in the middle of a golf game, and I was shocked to see the 403 area code! I had butterflies to the bottom of my stomach.

 

He called me-- To tell me how sad he is about some issues he's having with his tour scheduling/cancellations/wanted to hear my voice/thank me for txting him while he was on the road/apologized for not texting more... I cannot believe how this is unraveling. He was apologetic for interrupting me during my game, but all I wanted to do was hear more of his voice. He truly sounded sad and was reaching out to me in an honest way. Now we're 3 provinces away from one another... It's so sad that we went through a month of hell in the same city, only to reveal how much we really do support eachother only days after he leaves. It's so silly dramatic. EthanH, you're right, from the outside it really is simple. My friends call us primadonnas both, one friend even said "he's being a total retardonna, but so are you..." ohh artists.

 

Anyways, you're right I'm insecure. I used to be pretty overweight, never got a lot of attention from men. Now, I run 7k every day, and I've never looked better. I have a lot of residual insecurity from being the fat-kid in late high-school early university, and now that I've come out of my shell, I still carry the fear and paranoia once a really attractive man comes along.

My man is tall, dark and handsome, and loves every inch of me physically. What we will have to work on, is enduring BOTH of our emotional ups and downs. Through all this, even though we will be away from each other for the next several months, I want to focus on trust, stability and understanding each others emotions.

 

Cheers

[Tziannia]

Criss: Why would it be unhealthy to love someone unconditionally? Certain people come into our lives, and touch a part of us so deeply that we can love them, regardless of their faults--and find forgiveness when they err, because we can see that though they may have made an error, they truly are benevolent in their intentions, but perhaps were led astray. We have to learn from our errors, find forgiveness, and continue on.