Affair with recently married coworker

[yellowtucan]

Hello,

 

I've been reading these forums for the last 4 months ever since I became the OW. I'm at a point where I need some help/guidance/words of wisdom/etc. from those of you who have been through this before.

 

A year ago I started working for a very small company (6 employees). I knew most of them previously as they are friends/family friends. The one guy I didn't know before I started there flew home to get married about a month after I had worked there (hence he is now the MM). We developed a friendship over the course of the year I have worked here. A few months ago I went through a pretty rough break up with a boyfriend I had for almost 3 years. The MM and I had some innocent flirtation right before my break up. Less than 2 weeks after my breakup MM started to "pursue" me. He started off saying he wanted to learn to dance. I was naive enough to believe him so I started teaching him - which involved closeness and touching to which he would make responses like "Wow..ok...whew! I'm getting hot..." This turned into him saying things like, "If I wasn't married do you think we would date?"...."Have you ever thought of kissing me?"....I will admit I liked the attention. I was heart broken and it was nice to feel like someone found me attractive.

 

Eventually his innocent flirtation turned into an offer for a one night stand. I resisted for awhile as I felt it was wrong. He just kept saying he was a big boy and not to worry about him. Eventually we crossed the line and I ended up sleeping with him. This turned into a full out PA for 4 months. We hooked up at least once a week if not more. I promised myself it would be only physical and I wouldn't get emotionally involved (i know...i know...).

 

Well....last month he was transferred across the country and, as hard as it was, I accepted that our PA was over. Less than 2 weeks at his new location and he was talking to me via IM (instant messaging)...he would graphically rehash our times together....what he liked...how he was crazy to sleep with me again etc. etc. He said how much he missed me and I began to think he was unhappy in his marriage. Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife of only 8 months??

 

Our intense conversations continued..including webcam sessions..exchanging pics and some naughty vidoes...etc. Last week I wanted to know his feelings. I flat out asked him if he was sexually satisfied in his marriage. He said yes. I asked him if he planned on staying married. He said yes. I asked if he planned on having women on the side all his life and he said yea. I was extremely upset and disappointed - but knew it was time to let things come to a close. Unfortunately...less than an hour after I found all this out his wife hacked into his IM messenger...(i, like many, assumed DDay would never come)....we were both taken by surprise and couldn't believe this had happened. I'm not sure what all she read..but she did know we had exchanged videos.

 

Well...a week has gone by and I have not heard one word from him. No call. No texts. No email. Nothing. I don't know what is going on other than his wife texted me to say "You can have him all to yourself now. Enjoy." That was 4 days ago.

 

I understand for him it was only physical. It was to me for awhile too..but i did end up feeling things for him. After I found out he planned to continue this way all his life I realized he isn't someone I would want to be with even if the did leave his wife. I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that he hasn't even contacted me! I am so tempted to email him...just to see how he is (we had a friendship before we crossed the line)...but I'm afraid he is angry with me...and it makes me sad.

 

I haven't gone more than 2 days without talking to him...so this is kind of a shock.

 

I don't know what i"m looking for other than maybe some support...do I contact him? Do I just accept we will never speak again?

 

Has anyone else experienced a guy flat out admitting he is planning on having affairs the rest of his life?? Or someone who has an affair after less than a year of marriage?

 

Thank you for listening.

[bentnotbroken]

Be glad you are out and don't enter someone else's marital boundaries. Nothing good comes from it....nothing.

[yellowtucan]

A last comment...I was hesitant to post here as I have often seen the OW attacked. I know what I did was wrong and I accept responsibility for my part. I am just hurting and confused and looking for a little support from anyone who has been in my position before

[jwi71]

A last comment...I was hesitant to post here as I have often seen the OW attacked. I know what I did was wrong and I accept responsibility for my part. I am just hurting and confused and looking for a little support from anyone who has been in my position before

 

Why do you want HIM in your life?

 

He has already told you he will always have a piece on the side - meaning, even if he leaves his W (not very likely) he WILL cheat on you.

 

Look, he knows how to contact you. If he wants to he will. Right now, he is busy trying to save his M and he can't contact you.

 

There is NO point in contacting him. None.

 

I am sorry you feel in love with him...but its unrequited. He told you this too. I wish I could tell you something different. I wish there was a magic pill to make you stop loving and hurting for him. There isn't.

 

What I CAN tell you is this passes. It DOES get better. Give it time. Go NC with him and begin the detachment and the healing.

[Dexter Morgan]

tell the guy's wife before its too late for her to get an annullment

[pureinheart]

Yep, on both notes...home boy (exDM) had multiple A's at the same time. He started right out the gate, very shortly after getting M'ed.

 

We were frineds more than anything, so this is why he told me these things...

 

I think I caused a possitive impact on his life, as I was influential in many situations. Would I recommend that a person sacrifice their very being in this way...NO...there is nice, then there is too nice without thought and way too trusting.

 

It's ok to let him work out his own stuff, and please try to remember this IS his stuff...for some reason we take on their stuff (this goes for any R) and loose ourselves in the process...this is what happened to me, although I learned from it and am out of the fire.

[sadintexas]

I know this is hard for you and I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm going to tell it like it is.

 

You shouldn't email him or get involved in any way whatsoever. He's doing major damage control right now with his wife. Your involvement will further interfere in their marriage and you probably won't like what he tells you. His silence is indication enough of what he wants from you.

 

He's told you that he's going to be the man that always has a woman on the side. Who knows why he feels he can or should do that, but to be emotionally attached to this guy is only going to bring you pain.

 

Look out for yourself and move on from this. Use this time to heal and close the door on this relationship. He very well may come sniffing back around once the drama is settled (whether he's married or single at that point). To get reinvolved with him will only bring you heartache (if you're emotionally involved).

[pureinheart]

A last comment...I was hesitant to post here as I have often seen the OW attacked. I know what I did was wrong and I accept responsibility for my part. I am just hurting and confused and looking for a little support from anyone who has been in my position before

 

Sometimes just by communicating, "pease support me"...most will...glad you posted though regardless...should you get some mean spirited posts, try to disregard them and if they are abusive report them.

[yellowtucan]

Thanks for the responses. All of them.

 

I don't feel in love with him. We were good friends, we connected really well, then it got physical, and then I did start to feel something for him - but I don't think love is the right word.

 

I don't feel devastated...nor like my heart is broken...but I do feel sad and am constantly waiting for him to call or text me. I guess I am just shocked at how easily he dropped me when things got bad. I thought he at least respected what we had...but I guess that is quite the contradiction since he obviously didn't respect what he had with his wife...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the responses. All of them.

 

I don't feel in love with him. We were good friends, we connected really well, then it got physical, and then I did start to feel something for him - but I don't think love is the right word.

 

I don't feel devastated...nor like my heart is broken...but I do feel sad and am constantly waiting for him to call or text me. I guess I am just shocked at how easily he dropped me when things got bad. I thought he at least respected what we had...but I guess that is quite the contradiction since he obviously didn't respect what he had with his wife...

 

This is ego talking and a habit and ego feed that you got used to. I think it'll be easier for you to get over him than you think.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would suggest using this down time to get your head and heart back together. Then, when he contacts you again (and he probably will - they seem to in a lot of cases as soon as the dust settles) you will be in a better place to objectively reevaluate your relationship with him and decide if this is something you really want to be involved in. By his own admission, you will not be more than OW to him and you are more than likely not going to be his only one, either.

[fooled once]

Hello,

 

I've been reading these forums for the last 4 months ever since I became the OW. I'm at a point where I need some help/guidance/words of wisdom/etc. from those of you who have been through this before.

 

A year ago I started working for a very small company (6 employees). I knew most of them previously as they are friends/family friends. The one guy I didn't know before I started there flew home to get married about a month after I had worked there (hence he is now the MM). We developed a friendship over the course of the year I have worked here. A few months ago I went through a pretty rough break up with a boyfriend I had for almost 3 years. The MM and I had some innocent flirtation right before my break up. Less than 2 weeks after my breakup MM started to "pursue" me. He started off saying he wanted to learn to dance. I was naive enough to believe him so I started teaching him - which involved closeness and touching to which he would make responses like "Wow..ok...whew! I'm getting hot..." This turned into him saying things like, "If I wasn't married do you think we would date?"...."Have you ever thought of kissing me?"....I will admit I liked the attention. I was heart broken and it was nice to feel like someone found me attractive.

 

Eventually his innocent flirtation turned into an offer for a one night stand. I resisted for awhile as I felt it was wrong. He just kept saying he was a big boy and not to worry about him. Eventually we crossed the line and I ended up sleeping with him. This turned into a full out PA for 4 months. We hooked up at least once a week if not more. I promised myself it would be only physical and I wouldn't get emotionally involved (i know...i know...).

 

Well....last month he was transferred across the country and, as hard as it was, I accepted that our PA was over. Less than 2 weeks at his new location and he was talking to me via IM (instant messaging)...he would graphically rehash our times together....what he liked...how he was crazy to sleep with me again etc. etc. He said how much he missed me and I began to think he was unhappy in his marriage. Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife of only 8 months??

 

Our intense conversations continued..including webcam sessions..exchanging pics and some naughty vidoes...etc. Last week I wanted to know his feelings. I flat out asked him if he was sexually satisfied in his marriage. He said yes. I asked him if he planned on staying married. He said yes. I asked if he planned on having women on the side all his life and he said yea. I was extremely upset and disappointed - but knew it was time to let things come to a close. Unfortunately...less than an hour after I found all this out his wife hacked into his IM messenger...(i, like many, assumed DDay would never come)....we were both taken by surprise and couldn't believe this had happened. I'm not sure what all she read..but she did know we had exchanged videos.

 

Well...a week has gone by and I have not heard one word from him. No call. No texts. No email. Nothing. I don't know what is going on other than his wife texted me to say "You can have him all to yourself now. Enjoy." That was 4 days ago.

 

I understand for him it was only physical. It was to me for awhile too..but i did end up feeling things for him. After I found out he planned to continue this way all his life I realized he isn't someone I would want to be with even if the did leave his wife. I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that he hasn't even contacted me! I am so tempted to email him...just to see how he is (we had a friendship before we crossed the line)...but I'm afraid he is angry with me...and it makes me sad.

 

I haven't gone more than 2 days without talking to him...so this is kind of a shock.

 

I don't know what i"m looking for other than maybe some support...do I contact him? Do I just accept we will never speak again?

 

Has anyone else experienced a guy flat out admitting he is planning on having affairs the rest of his life?? Or someone who has an affair after less than a year of marriage?

 

Thank you for listening.

 

First of all, welcome.

 

Secondly, why in the world do people who are not married to each other risk sending dirty video's to each other? And if she gets ahold of it and puts it on the world wide web.....

 

Thirdly, do you know that she hacked into his IM? Could he have possibly left it open? Since you haven't spoken to him since, and I am pretty sure he wouldn't be open and honest with her, you could be presuming how things went down.

 

Fourth, wonder how she got your phone number to text you? Wonder how he explained the video's? Wonder if he told her you pursued him?

 

Fifth, do not email him or call him. He knows how to find you if he wants to talk to you. You must be more into him than you want to admit since you are struggling with him not contacting you. Sorry you are hurting.

 

A last comment...I was hesitant to post here as I have often seen the OW attacked. I know what I did was wrong and I accept responsibility for my part. I am just hurting and confused and looking for a little support from anyone who has been in my position before

 

Tony doesn't allow members to attack each other. They get infractions and suspensions. If you find someone attacking you, alert Tony or a moderator. Sometimes, there have been occasions where some members have gotten snarky and take swipes at each other. It is sad that people can't agree to disagree and try to shove their views down others throats or are adamant they are right when it is just their view or, they are actually wrong.

 

Why do you want HIM in your life?

 

He has already told you he will always have a piece on the side - meaning, even if he leaves his W (not very likely) he WILL cheat on you.

 

Look, he knows how to contact you. If he wants to he will. Right now, he is busy trying to save his M and he can't contact you.

 

There is NO point in contacting him. None.

 

I am sorry you feel in love with him...but its unrequited. He told you this too. I wish I could tell you something different. I wish there was a magic pill to make you stop loving and hurting for him. There isn't.

 

What I CAN tell you is this passes. It DOES get better. Give it time. Go NC with him and begin the detachment and the healing.

 

Very good post.

 

I know this is hard for you and I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm going to tell it like it is.

 

You shouldn't email him or get involved in any way whatsoever. He's doing major damage control right now with his wife. Your involvement will further interfere in their marriage and you probably won't like what he tells you. His silence is indication enough of what he wants from you.

 

He's told you that he's going to be the man that always has a woman on the side. Who knows why he feels he can or should do that, but to be emotionally attached to this guy is only going to bring you pain.

 

Look out for yourself and move on from this. Use this time to heal and close the door on this relationship. He very well may come sniffing back around once the drama is settled (whether he's married or single at that point). To get reinvolved with him will only bring you heartache (if you're emotionally involved).

 

Another very good post.

 

OP, I don't think you will ever get truthful answers from the MM - he has shown you his character, his ability to disrespect his wife (wonder why he bothered getting married since he has no intention of being faithful - he should just get divorced and save his wife the possible continued exposure to STD's). He is going to say whatever he thinks you need to hear so he can resume having sex (cyber or inperson) with you. Remember this about him - he has no intention of voluntarily divorcing or staying faithful. Heck, he probably has another OW where he lives since he doesn't have physical access to you anymore. Sounds like he is a player and you really don't need that in your life; unless you are happy being a mistress.

 

Good luck!

[jenifer1972]

I am surprised the guy was that honest and basically said, his marriage is fine but he'll always want something on the side. Most lie and string the OW along with empty promises they have no intention of living up to.

 

He hasn't contacted you because my guess is, his wife has read and seen the stuff and is going ballistic on him, and he's in damage control. Up to his ears in alligators hopefully. I think you should not hope to hear from such a man again, and if you do, you should analyze why you would want to.

[yellowtucan]

Maybe "hacked" was the wrong word...MM and I were both at work (I know he was there as he had called me from there earlier for a work related matter) conversing via IM. She was at home and somehow managed to get onto his IM at the same time he was. She was able to read what we wrote to each other and send her own messages...That is how she found out about us...I also had my cell phone information on there which is how she knew my number...

 

I want to thank everyone again for their responses. I know deep down that I would never want to be with a man like that...I think it may be my low self esteem issues that are causing me to obsess so much over the loss of contact..."what is wrong with me?"...."was I really nothing?"...etc. etc.

 

I am going to keep this page bookmarked for whenever I feel the need to contact him to remind myself that it's not worth it.

 

THANK YOU for the support and advice. It's a lonely position to be in and I really appreciate it.

[sadintexas]

One thing I can tell you without a doubt is that it is not about you, or because of you, or because you weren't enough.

 

These guys are selfish plain and simple. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of why they're cheating, regardless how good or bad they say they have it at home, regardless of how good a man they might be in all other areas of their lives, they all have that in common. They operate out of selfish interests in all aspects of the affair.

 

Sometimes I think these situations are put in our path to teach us something, or rather provide us with the opportunity to learn something about ourselves. Try to think about what you can take from this experience to make a positive change in your life. Perhaps doing things to work on your self esteem issues. Something to remember...we are always our own worst critics. I believe you are worth much more than a relationship with a married man (or any other man that is unable to provide you with the love and respect you deserve).

Edited July 22, 2010 by sadintexas