Ex in love with another man :( Need !

[ngo_ng]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new to this. To be quite frank, this is the last place I'd ever think I would go to.

 

I had my heart broken for quite some years in Middle school so I later on decided to never be heartbroken again and to be the heart breaker and to be a real flirt. This worked wonders for me, I was so confident, I was going out with so many women at the same time.

 

Then after dropping out of college for a year, I thought it was time to get serious and to get my life back in order so I closed myself in, not seeing anyone in order to finish my diploma, this is the point which I was the horniest (18-19 years of age) and I started a relationship with a girl that had an eye on me for almost a year. At first, I just wanted sex, while she was more of a good girl looking for a serious relationship. I thought she wanted the same goals as me, and when I found out that it wasn't the case, I started seeing a girl I had a fling with in the past.

 

This was almost 3 years ago, I am now 23 years of age. We had broken up three times before and I had promised to change my act which I didn't until the last time we had gotten back together. We fought a lot but we were good together.

 

Now, you must understand that this girl was confused about her career paths and goals and was constantly switching study fields. Coming from an immigrant Asian family, this doesn't bode too well with my more conservative father looking for stability for his son. Because she was tired of being jealous of me seeing (or at least she thought) with other women, and the pressure from my father, she broke up with me. She said she wanted nothing to do with me anymore not because she doesn't love me; she still had feelings but that things would not work out. I begged, I tried to reason with her and all the things that you shouldn't do after a break up. I had really found my soul mate and I was not going to lose her.

 

One week or so later, she made it real clear to me that she wanted to be single but that she still had feelings for me, so we did what seemed most natural; we dated, we slept together, and all the good things couples did but it was unofficial just until she would find out what she really wants.

 

Everything was PERFECT for once. Then, out of nowhere, she meets this guy 2 years older than me who had just recently graduated and was working as a Pharmacist. We met him twice, and back then he didn't dare do anything because we were officially a couple. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and the rest is history...my lover was seeing me and this other guy.

 

I was totally okay with it as I didn't want to cause more problems and pressure her into a relationship she isn't ready for. Turns out she developed feelings for him as well as me. But because, I had a bad track record with her and he had a blank slate, good personality she chose to be with him. She had told me that she no longer has feelings for me and wants to be with him although they aren't ready for a serious relationship yet.

 

I saw her texts to him were the same she had told me in the past: she would do anything to be with him. Because I only want what's best for her, I went to her house, we cuddled on the bed and we talked it over, and made it clear that I wasn't going to interfere and that I was happy for her. I however, got his number from her phone and after dropping her at work for the last time (we were on very good terms at that point) I called him out to have a serious talk with him.

 

I wanted him to know that I love her but that if she is happy with him I will not interfere what so ever. I only want to set things straight with him to avoid jealousy and to find out his personality. We talked it out, and later on, he told her that I had called him out. She is now very pissed off at me that I had went through her phone in order to contact him. I told her it was the last thing I had to do in order to get closure.

 

Although I now accept the fact that she has deep feelings for him, and that we are done forever, I don't know how to cope with it. I am resolved to get her back without sabotaging her current relationship.

 

I know she is the ONE for me, although I can find other women, I love her...I really do. I am very close to her family too and her mother doesn't understand what she is doing. Am I doing the right thing? What can I do to cope with, forget and move on.

 

I understand that only once I get my confidence back will I be attractive to her eyes again. I think that in my current state, I am pathetic wimp. I need advice from anyone who had ever been in a long relationship, broken up and having their loved one be with another and finally gotten back with her/him.

 

I am trying to get myself busy, try new activities, get back in touch with my friends, I am also going on an exchange semester to study in Hong Kong for 4 months (I live in Canada). I think I will back to my former glory by then but how do I cope with the pain of seeing the one you love dedicate her feelings to someone else?

 

Sorry for the long post, I am a bad boy gone soft... I am totally lost...

 

NG

[listen_to_me_please]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I was totally okay with it as I didn't want to cause more problems and pressure her into a relationship she isn't ready for. Turns out she developed feelings for him as well as me. But because, I had a bad track record with her and he had a blank slate, good personality she chose to be with him. She had told me that she no longer has feelings for me and wants to be with him although they aren't ready for a serious relationship yet.

 

NG

 

Translation.

 

1) I am having sex with him. I am no longer into you. I am in love with him. We are having sex very often. I see a life with him.

 

2) I don't like you anymore in that way. Its OVER. I love someone else.

I am going to contiune to suck his cock as well as get tea-bagged because I like it and I'm not with you anymore. I love him.

 

3) They are already in a "serious relationship"

 

4) Atleast she told you and didn't string you along and you didn't have to go through the heartache of being betrayed or cheated on or loose your business, your money, your apartment, your car, become lost and Disillusion because you couldn't cope and understanding what was happening as well stay in a limbo/depression state for two years, just waiting, waiting for her to return and then suddenly one day you snap out of it and realize it was all lies and she never loved you and was only using you for money.

 

5) I'm sorry if I am not helpfull. Those words though, I heard those words before. Nothing good can come of staying contact with this female.

 

Its funny how females, no matter what state they are located in, say the exact same thing and I've heard this line before. Its serious. She sees a life with him. He's in her head. Its over for you until they break up or she realizes she made a mistake but that won't happen for months, even years and the more she stays in contact with you, the more she'll feel better about her decision because that way she gets to peak into your life and compare you two.

 

That relationship has been MONTHS in the making. MONTHS.

 

Your relationship is OVER.

Forget about her.

 

she's already addicted and in love. Its to late.

Sorry bro. Happens to all of us.

Edited July 21, 2010 by listen_to_me_please

[ngo_ng]

I would have to disagree as she still lives with her parents and I slept there almost 10 days in a row maybe a week or two ago.

 

She started seeing him for about 1 week ago. She will not bring him home, I do not say that she will not go to his place but I would doubt as well.

 

What you say about her having sex with him, I'm pretty sure some time in the future yes this is a possibility but not right now. It is true i made her the way she is today (hell of a lot sexier and daring) but deep down she isn't promiscuous, she takes her time.

 

Although, what you said intrigues me, I find it odd that they is totally gaga over him after few dates. I've read the text messages, he's not making the move yet as he is still recovering himself. But she states that she will do all that is possible to be with him. She says a relationship won't be possible yet as his family is a medical family that looks for a basic level of status and she wants to finish college asap to be able to be with him. So in summary, she is not with him yet but she wants him badly. I wonder if being so close to her and sleeping with her (we used to casually have sex during our break-ups and finish mending up) actually made me be more needy and therefore lose her attraction to me and empower him even more.

 

The worse thing is that we have common friends. Almost all my friends are her friends and to say find a new social circle is easy but when it's everyone you know... it's hard to go NC. Anyway, that's what I'm aiming for, to go NC and rebuild my image and confidence, if things work out and I end up with her again. I'd be the happiest man in the world, but if not I will have made a positive change for myself. I believe it comes down to attraction, if he has flaws and she sees me re-energized in maybe a year or so she will have flashbacks of being with me. Anyway, thanks for the help... I think I will try to forget her...I don't know how though...we share so many common contacts. Until I have moved on...nothing will go in my favor... she will still find me unattractive, and I will still be thinking of her. How do you initiate the necessary change in my situation? Thank you for the help.

[CaliGuy]

Read the links in my signature. Everything you need to know about how to handle your situation is there.

 

Cheers

[ngo_ng]

Hi Caliguy,

 

thx for sharing your insight with me. What should I do if we share the same exact social circle? I will be bound to see her again potentially with the new guy.

 

For example, this week-end I am going to my best friend's birthday party which she happens to be invited to.

 

I can't avoid her altogether. Last week when she was still indecisive between being single, with me or with him, we were still intent in being friends no matter the decision was. Now, I begin to think that being friends at the moment is not the right choice...

 

After the party, I intend to go into Full NC, I still want her back but I don't want false hopes. I plan on mailing her a short hand written letter that I wrote in anticipation or perhaps I'll write a new one that reflects my current thoughts. Basically, I want to tell her that I'm okay with her decision and that I'm happy for her and I will be moving on. I don't want to interfere in her life and I will not be contacting her. One day maybe we can be friends and talk again but not now. I am living a good life now with new experiences, I wish her the same.

 

then go back into NC

 

If she still feels for me and absolutely want me then she will come looking for me no matter what if not well too bad for her I will have become a better man and she would have missed out. Is this the right thing to do? does this convey that I am not needing her anymore but that I would be interested one day to resume a normal platonic conversation?

[ngo_ng]

the more I think about it the more I want to forget her and not wanting to talk to her ever again. I did not hate her for what she did, but I am starting to feel resentment, I thought Acceptance came after anger and resentment...anyway I'm wondering if I should text her to give me back my things, return her umbrella, the money she owes me and to deliver the letter... or do I just ignore her... I don't want too... I love her... damnnnittt!!! She doesn't give a damn after nearly 3 years after few days with the guy...wth! arghhh sorry people... I was busy with friends the whole day, didnt have time to think about her then now I had 2-3 glass of beer with friends and I'm alone at night I feel so much angst....!!! I will be okay after I wake up thinking about her and then going through the morning forgetting her again....

[Mik12]

Translation.

 

1) I am having sex with him. I am no longer into you. I am in love with him. We are having sex very often. I see a life with him.

 

2) I don't like you anymore in that way. Its OVER. I love someone else.

I am going to contiune to suck his cock as well as get tea-bagged because I like it and I'm not with you anymore. I love him.

 

3) They are already in a "serious relationship"

 

4) Atleast she told you and didn't string you along and you didn't have to go through the heartache of being betrayed or cheated on or loose your business, your money, your apartment, your car, become lost and Disillusion because you couldn't cope and understanding what was happening as well stay in a limbo/depression state for two years, just waiting, waiting for her to return and then suddenly one day you snap out of it and realize it was all lies and she never loved you and was only using you for money.

 

5) I'm sorry if I am not helpfull. Those words though, I heard those words before. Nothing good can come of staying contact with this female.

 

Its funny how females, no matter what state they are located in, say the exact same thing and I've heard this line before. Its serious. She sees a life with him. He's in her head. Its over for you until they break up or she realizes she made a mistake but that won't happen for months, even years and the more she stays in contact with you, the more she'll feel better about her decision because that way she gets to peak into your life and compare you two.

 

That relationship has been MONTHS in the making. MONTHS.

 

Your relationship is OVER.

Forget about her.

 

she's already addicted and in love. Its to late.

Sorry bro. Happens to all of us.

 

Dude whats up with all the sex in your amswers? Its lile ypu make it purposely hard to read for the person....i dont think theres any need for that

[ngo_ng]

Thank you mik12

 

anyway guys, I went to my friends bday party and I saw her and thought I would tell you about the great progress I have by wanting to go forward with NC

 

I saw her yesterday at a friends birthday party. We didn't talk much, i responsed as little as I could, its not as if she is looking to talk to me anyway, she appears to be happy with the man that could give her what i couldnt. The irony is that she was texting him during the whole diner time (and I repeat...at a friends birthday party...what a party pooper) and talking all happy about what her and her newfound guy are about to do together and what he gave her to her friend at the table while I was there and everyone was having a good conversation. She ended up having a girls talk with her friend in the birthday boy's room while everyone else was waiting outside to go to a bar. We waited for the new bf to arrive to pick her up. I will skip the details up until the bar, knowingly that I was there they still proceeded to make out intensely and have their own bubble at ...yes a friends party. I just shake hands talk like nothing fazed me, being happy for them, and being the perfect gentleman. They left earlier, I shook his hand and wished him a safe drive home. She was leaving without saying buy I called out: "Hey there! come here! with a wink kissed her on the cheeks to say goodnight" she looks at me surprised and says "you're so cheesy (or corny)" they go home.

 

My friends congratulate me for being such a gentlemen about the situation even though it must have hurt. I back to my friends place and we talked until sunrise and I had the time of my life just like before the relationship with her. I go back home and go on facebook to organize something for today. I just somehow decided to go on her page and guess what? The boyfriend sends her: "Don't get angry at douchebags and *******s, they exist so the world can appreciate more people like me" I laughed so hard knowing he was talking about me. While I was the perfect gentleman and they were being inappropriate for a friends birthday I got blamed for being an ass. Which means that on the way back she was upset about me although it was her decision to leave me. I was going to return her stuff, they were in my car's trunk but then I saw that there was no more reason to do so. I'm finally free to move on after seeing the level of respect she has for me and my friends. Although she says she loves him, and he pulled a dick move to get her, he ends up being a rebound and he will have to live in my shadow and she clearly isn't over me totally.

 

I am having the time of my life meeting new people and seeing old friends, after the party I went to a friends house and we talked on the balcony until sunrise, something we did before my relationship with her. It felt the old days again. I felt so good knowing that I can forget about someone although I know I love her. If she dumps me to go with another guy and feels remorse, too bad for her. I did everything she wanted to make things work albeit a bit too late in the relationship and she decides to chose him the next few days. I wish her well, but I am too good to live in the shadows. Before going on my 4-5 months exchange studies in Hong Kong, I will meet up with her at a christmas party and ask her:"so how does it feel to be in a perfect relationship?" by then his flaws will show and I can't wait for the reply because I won't affect my having fun abroad All I wanted was to be the man in her life and be happy with her. That has been denied, so I wanted to be friends, she doesnt show much care for me, so all there is left is that I be happy without her and she will realize that I was sincere about being the change she always wanted me to be. Enough doing things for her, it's time to do thing for me

[Mik12]

Youre good, ive been in the same situation as you except i laid the guy out litteraly....i wish i was as strong and in control as you. She was pissed at how well you took it, keep doing that and dont cave shes so pissed that you dont seem to give a sh***. Youre doing great.

[ngo_ng]

I ended up texting her lol, so much for NC...but I think it is doesn't leave much room for interpretation, what do you guys think?

 

the text:

 

"It was nice seeing you again yesterday. I'm glad that you are happy! Thank you for giving me time to move on if you could give my usb key and $50 to "mrs. X for the purpose of this post" (her friend and my best friend's girlfriend, the one she was chitchatting with yesterday in my earlier post), that would be great! I wish you a great day at the water park and good luck with everything "

 

I'm just wondering what other angles she could see this as except: I'm cool with you being happy, I'm moving on without you, give my stuff through our friend.

[ngo_ng]

she caught me off guard this morning on facebook, i didnt even know she was online. I saw her new relationship status which was a shock to me so I hide all notification from her.

 

Then she replies on the chat: I don't have your Ds anymore, you took it. There's nothing of yours here anymore.

 

I reply: Your sister has my chip. Have a good day

 

She goes offline.

 

4 hours later she emails me from work:

 

There is something you should know. I worry about nothing now. I want to keep nothing from you. Pictures are all deleted from my laptop. I'm happy now and i've never been that happy in my life. My dad doesnt need your help anymore. I dont need to know if you moved on or not. It's none of my business. What about you doesnt concern me.

 

--------------

 

I've had my closure last week, so nothing is new to me. the content in this email does not shock me in any way. Saturday I did want to return her stuff but I didn't as you already know. I only texted her to collect my loan. As I mentioned yesterday, I think she still thinks of me if only to hate and forget me but I find it funny that she has to let me know about this. Was it because last week I offered to be friends and help her dad regardless of our relationship? I haven't had news about that for a whole week. why would she bring this up after NC? Is this her way of saying, well I've considered the possibility of being friends with you but no I don't want to be your friend. Or is it just an attempt to lead me into disarray and reply? If it's the latter, well it's sort of working, I'm not replying though, NC really is the way. I'm not caring about this anymore but just confused why the reason is that she felt there was something I SHOULD know. If anything it makes me easier to move on. lol of course when I read it, my heart stopped for a beat and went erratic, but it recovered quite fast. I don't think this will hurt me but what do you think this translates to? what's going through her mind?

Edited July 26, 2010 by ngo_ng

[CaliGuy]

Sounds like she is OK with moving on and she thinks you are OK with it as well (based on you being quiet with her). Honestly this is a good idea for you. You should spend ZERO of your time wondering what she is doing and put the focus on yourself.

 

Get into hobbies, hang out with friends, workout, etc. Keep in mind that not everyone you meet is going to be ideal or perfect. Relationships fail and fail quite often. The best thing you can do is LEARN from it and grow as a person.

 

Eventually the right person will come -- and most likely when you aren't looking for it.

 

Cheers.

[ngo_ng]

Don't you think she is doing it out of anger though? What is the point of letting me know about this "sudden decision". Her wanting to take things slow with the new guy last week, translated into a new "In a relationship status" for all to see. I blocked all news feed about her on facebook btw. It just seems like an extraordinary attempt to piss me off or cause a reaction because I am so calm about this while I should be jealous. If you have moved on fine but you don't go and tell your ex about it. lol my opinion is that she is pissed off or she wants a reaction, in any case i think he is a rebound and he is up for a challenge now which is why HE hates me and turns her against me too although I was totally a gentleman to him. lol Although I didn't have the greatest emotional intelligence before, it seems the tide has turned and I am reacting in a way more mature way than they are. it's my 2 cents about the email and the way they act. I might be wrong that's why I ask for your insights.

[ngo_ng]

Ok this is the last straw!

 

I have lost all respect that remains for my Ex. I don't know what she is trying to pull, what can kind of sick pleasure she has by trying to inflict damage, or maybe because she has problems coping with her decision and it affects her new relationship, but quite frankly I don't care anymore.

 

here's a little update from yesterday night:

 

I go on my fb and I see her posting on my wall:

"K Imma take you out from my FB, its starting to spam for nothing" meaning she reads my news feeds or stalks me or what ever but what's the point of writing that on my wall when she can just remove me as friends altogether?

 

This is getting ridiculous and out of hand. I used to feel hurt, anguish, sadness, all the while being happy for her and have respect for her. Now, all I feel for her is pity and zero respect. Sometimes, I don't know how quickly people change. Her loss, I'm still recovering from it, but I am having the time of my life so what ever

 

NG

Edited July 29, 2010 by ngo_ng