pkl530 Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 6 months ago, I found out that the female co-worker I had a crush on, was leaving her husband. I dedicated a song to her on her favorite radio station, she heard it, and our secret e-mail relationship began. Although we passed in the hallway everyday, we would only say hello to each other. But as soon as we got back to our desks, we would type our fingers off. Eventually, we went out on a few dates. Then I began walking her out to her car every night. Then some of our co-workers found out. Then I took some vacation time while she was out of town on business, and we met he halfway across the country to spend 3 nights together. Then the rest of our co-workers caught on, and now everyone at work knows that we have some sort of romantic relationship going on. We still leave work together, talk for about 20 minutes in the parking lot, and kiss each other goodnight. The e-mail is still flying between us, and most of it centers around how much we want to be with each other. I haven't pressured her in any way, or given her an ultimatum to leave her husband. I have only told her (in January) that I can't do this forever. Early last week, she told me that she was on the verge of leaving him. There has been one other occasion when she's been on the verge, as she is now. It's now the end of the weekend. I'm wondering what kind of time frame should I give myself, before I change from understanding and passive, into concerned and impatient. I've read through a great deal of messages here, and know that most people here will tell me to quit while I'm ahead. I also know that there have been times when people such as myself have been given support, encouragement, and honest advice. Thanks for your time. And thanks in advance for any feedabck you have for me. Good or bad.
Darkangelism Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 If she was leaving her husband anyway then your entering a relationship isnt as bad, just be careful not get lead along.
meanon Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 most people here will tell me to quit while I'm ahead. I also know that there have been times when people such as myself have been given support, encouragement, and honest advice. These two forms of advice are not mutually exclusive. By assuming they are you indicate you may not believe that quitting is in your own best interests. I disagree. 6 months is long enough for her to make a decision about leaving her husband. The longer it lasts the greater the distress for you if it ends. If being with you was a powerful enough incentive for her to leave she'll do it rather than risk losing you. You should be aware that some women in this position do change their mind and return to their husbands - could you handle that? While she is able to maintain a relationship with you and avoid the distress of leaving her marriage there is no incentive for her to leave. Whichever way you look at it - you are best off knowing now. Be concerned yes but I would avoid putting pressure on her - let her make her decision herself. Impatience from you is unlikely to make you the more attractive option. She will make her decision based on the balance of her own happiness and her responsibility to her family. If she has children then they will play a major part in her decision too. I hope things work out for you both.
doniker Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 I have been the "other man" with a married woman and after she finally left her husband to be with me we broke up! Most of the excitement of the romance was sneaking around, stolen moments of passion and knowing that we could have a "quickie" and go back to our "regular" lives. Once we were allowed to be together we realized we didn't want each other.
Benedict Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 Hey, you know that all those "secret" emails you two fired off to each other? You ready? THEY'RE NOT SECRET!! The bigger the company the less likely you are to be able to expect any type of privacy. Didn't sound like you were that concerned with it, bit I thought you migth like to know.
saintfrancis Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 Hi, I just sent you a nice long PM. One thing I didn't mention in it, however, was that there were several times my ex was going to start separation/divorce proceedings, but those times came and went without any action, for one reason or another. Sometimes they were legitimate reasons, other times they amounted to excuses. I never gave an ultimatum, never got impatient as you mentioned, nor even upset about it. None of that. IMHO, I think that kind of thinking is really the wrong approach to this stuff. Getting impatient and giving ultimatums means that the underlying assumption you have is that she is or will be "yours" -- and that it is only a matter of giving her the right motivation to take action. Wrong. She is not yours, not legally anyway. When this pattern of timelines coming and going happened to me, all I thought was, "Ok, he is not leaving. So now I need to make a decision. Given the knowledge that he not leaving, I have to decide whether I want to stay." I did stay for a while, but eventually I got sick of it and left. I am also concerned that your coworkers know. That is bad news. Please try and rein yourself in, it's no fun being unemployed!! Benedict is right, too, your emails are not secret. Even if you use Hotmail or another web-based account, your emails can still be traced IF anyone cared to. They may or may not, just because they can doesn't mean they will. The flip side of being in a larger company (if indeed you are) is that they have SO much network traffic that it is impossible as well as pointless for them to monitor everyone. So, you may or may not be exposed electronically, but it's not something I'd want to see you get bitten for. I know how difficult this is. It is a sh***y situation to be in. Just take care of yourself one way or another! sf
Arabess Posted February 10, 2004 Posted February 10, 2004 Being on the 'verge' of anything....does not make it so. Listen to 'saintfrances'....... If you don't know what to say to the woman you are waiting on...try saying....I love you too much to share you, so I'm breaking it off till you are single.". Then stick to it. You probably won't do this...but you'll WISH you did. Good luck....keep posting.....and trust advice from people who have been there and know how these things pan out.
Author pkl530 Posted February 10, 2004 Author Posted February 10, 2004 doniker - I have been the "other man" with a married woman and after she finally left her husband to be with me we broke up! Once we were allowed to be together we realized we didn't want each other. I know that the relationship we have now, and the one we MAY have later, would be very different from each other. I'm prepared (as much as anyone can be) for what you described above. I'm just hoping for a chance to find out. I've also told her that if she does leave her husband, she has to do it knowing that what you're talking about might happen. I told her that her desire to leave him, must be stronger than her desire to be with me. Most of the excitement of the romance was sneaking around, stolen moments of passion and knowing that we could have a "quickie" and go back to our "regular" lives. I understand what you're saying, and thank you for pointing it out. But for what it's worth, although there was an element of sneaking around when this first started, there's not really alot of that now. Our relationship exists almost entirely at work, and as I mentioned in my original message, we are "out of the closet" there. The only person we're really hiding from is him. But don't get me wrong, that does complicate things quite a bit. As far as the quickies go, we haven't had any of those. We've only "been" together twice. It's not really a sexual relationship. Thanks for the feedback and advice. Everyone here is being extremely helpful. pkl530
Author pkl530 Posted February 10, 2004 Author Posted February 10, 2004 Originally posted by Benedict Hey, you know that all those "secret" emails you two fired off to each other? You ready? THEY'RE NOT SECRET!! The bigger the company the less likely you are to be able to expect any type of privacy. Didn't sound like you were that concerned with it, bit I thought you migth like to know. Yeah... We already got busted. Not because of them checking our e-mail, but due to a "PRINT" button that was accidentally pressed.
Author pkl530 Posted February 10, 2004 Author Posted February 10, 2004 Originally posted by saintfrancis there were several times my ex was going to start separation/divorce proceedings, but those times came and went without any action, for one reason or another. Sometimes they were legitimate reasons, other times they amounted to excuses. She hasn't given me any sort of deadline, and I haven't given her one either. The best she's given me is "Soon" and all I've told her is that "I can't do this forever" (Both in mid January.) Why do I get the feeling that the 2 lines I described above "Soon" and "I can't do this forever" sound very familiar to many people here? Getting impatient and giving ultimatums means that the underlying assumption you have is that she is or will be "yours" -- and that it is only a matter of giving her the right motivation to take action. Wrong. She is not yours, not legally anyway. Thanks for addressing the whole ultimatum thing. I've been very adamant about not going there. My thought is that I can't pressure her leave. If I do, and she were to leave him prematurely, it could easily come back to haunt me in a couple of different ways. But I was curious as to whether being more agressive would give her the peace of mind that I'm serious about the way I feel. But to be honest, she knows that already. She knows I'm serious. Thank you again stfrancis! For this message, and the private one as well. pkl530
Author pkl530 Posted February 10, 2004 Author Posted February 10, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess Being on the 'verge' of anything....does not make it so. Here's another good one I'm keeping in mind - "If you only read her ACTIONS, you'll never be confused." (I stole that from some other website I was on before I found this one. This one is much better.) If you don't know what to say to the woman you are waiting on...try saying....I love you too much to share you, so I'm breaking it off till you are single." Then stick to it. Wow! You guys really are good at this! Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make light of anything. The suggestion above is excellent. I'm not at that point yet, but might be in the near future. Then I'll join you in telling me "Told you so!" Good luck....keep posting.....and trust advice from people who have been there and know how these things pan out. In all seriousness, everyone here has been exremely helpful, and the advice has been fantastic. As I told someone in a private message, I like to think I've got my head on straight, and being asked tough questions helps me make sure I do. (As straight as it can be anyway.) Thank you.
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