So much lost, can it ever come back?

[thecatch22]

My wife and I have been married 21 years. Most of them were pretty damn good I would say, we were much closer than most of the couples I know and were even asked at times what our secret was.

 

Three years ago our son (now 18) began to fall into drug addiction and extreme behavior (tantrums, theft, disobedience, etc). Anyone who’s lived with an addict or alcoholic might appreciate the amount of craziness that can throw into a family. My instinct as a parent is to provide unconditional high-regard and try to help with counseling, treatment, and talking. My wife’s instincts are not the same, she has much more of a temper and at times completely cut off my son (for example 2 months where she would not even talk to him). She seriously cannot talk about any emotional issues, I’ve seen her almost pass out trying. I didn’t do enough to protect her from his tantrums. Both of our approaches were flawed as I’ve finally learned through family programs at the treatment center.

 

A couple years ago I became alarmed by a very close relationship my wife developed with her best friend’s son, who was 21 years old. My wife who is 46 works part-time, and this young man was available in her off time for drinks and companionship. I expressed my concerns pretty calmly at first and always with an emphasis on my love for her, but it got worse pretty quickly. I pulled phone records and found over 2000 text messages between them, at times it looked like all she did all day was text with him. Before long I was in a very self-destructive tail-spin. Knowing my concerns she began to lie to me about her contact with him. That accelerated my fall into constant anxiety about it – if I came home and she was gone, I’d check all the bars in town, I’d look at her phone (which was always erased), lost the ability to sleep, started chain-smoking, lost weight, obsessed, went to counseling, dragged her to counseling, and all the crazy things people in this forum do when they suspect an affair.

 

Mostly I talked to her about my deepest emotions and vulnerabilities because she’s who I’ve always turned to when sad and anxious. She never returned with anything from her heart. She totally denied any wrong doing, said she would never distrust me like I distrusted her friendship, said if I was a woman I’d understand platonic friendships with men and that she just wished I would “untwist”.

 

Four months ago I finally resorted to a voice recorder in her car on her day off. Finding she met him for lunch, without telling me, and against her commitment to keep it open I moved out to an apartment. One month ago I listened again to the recording and realized a sex act occurred while they were driving to lunch. I confronted her and finally had the admission I most feared that their relationship has been sexual for over a year.

 

She says the sex is over now, but they still have contact through work and such. She says she can’t feel anything. She says she just had to see how fast she could hit bottom. She says she is just an a**hole and I’d be better off without her. She says she doesn’t think things can ever be good again. But she won’t decide she wants a divorce, and seems incapable of processing this, hardly able to even talk to me.

 

I kept chasing her by calling, asking to meet, telling her I still loved her and would give us a shot to work through this if she would. Lately I’ve finally decided to stop that even though at times I feel like an addict who needs to talk to her so badly I can’t bare it. She has made very little effort to reach out to me and try to fix anything.

 

It is so hard to try to deal with my son’s issues while my wife has 80% of my mental attention and I pretty much have to do it alone. I did launch an intervention and got him into rehab for heroin. He’ll be living with me since they get so angry with each other they are really not compatible (too much the same).

 

I still don’t feel like I can rationally decide whether to try to repair this or not. I definitely see how attached I was to a very destructive relationship. I know I can’t change her and she needs to do it. My family was my life purpose for so long, but I am trying to do some things for myself, like new hobbies and group activities.

 

Does this kind of deep issue ever get fixed? Are reconciliations even possible after so much destruction and deceit? And what is my role in that? I guess it is just take care of myself, help my son (but not his addiction), and wait?

Edited July 21, 2010 by thecatch22

[HopelessinDTW]

Wow!! I'm so sorry about your situation. Certainly a lot on your plate to handle!! My advice is let her go...feeling is she will not change, and even if you think she has you'l always be living in doubt. This is easier said than done, but this is what I think you need to do. AND, you need to devote that 80% to your son...he needs your guidance and stability to get him out of his addiction. You also need to take care of yourself now more than ever...do you have a therapist? If not, you might want to consider as well.

[What_Next]

Boy is that a tough situation you are in. I cannot even empathize with what you are going through with your son. I have no experience in that area whatsoever.

 

Of course it must have contributed to what your wife did, but I must ask is there anything at all in your marriage before this event that might have indicated she did this before? Are you truly sure it was a 1 time event? They often aren't.

 

If I were to put myself in your shoes and take your wives actions at face value as you've laid them out then I would be filing for divorce. She cheated, fine, that's out in the open. If she really wanted to work on the marriage she would do every single thing in her power to restore the trust in your marriage. She appears unwilling to do this.

 

Another option might be to just leave things as they are, try and sort out your son first and then after that is dealt with go back and try and make a decision on your marriage.

 

I feel terrible for you and it weighs heavy on my heart to read such a story.

[habs53]

Boy is that a tough situation you are in. I cannot even empathize with what you are going through with your son. I have no experience in that area whatsoever.

 

Of course it must have contributed to what your wife did, but I must ask is there anything at all in your marriage before this event that might have indicated she did this before? Are you truly sure it was a 1 time event? They often aren't.

 

If I were to put myself in your shoes and take your wives actions at face value as you've laid them out then I would be filing for divorce. She cheated, fine, that's out in the open. If she really wanted to work on the marriage she would do every single thing in her power to restore the trust in your marriage. She appears unwilling to do this.

 

Another option might be to just leave things as they are, try and sort out your son first and then after that is dealt with go back and try and make a decision on your marriage.

 

I feel terrible for you and it weighs heavy on my heart to read such a story.

Omg thats horrible. Personally i would never want her back after that.

[eeyore1981]

Reading this hits a nerve for me. Change 'son' to 'daughter' and 'addiction' to 'mental illness', and our stories have a lot in common. It's like you get up one morning, and your home has turned into a battlefield. I understand.

 

I've been on this board for a long time. I wasted a lot of time and good advice thinking my situation was different. It wasn't.

 

My nightmare started around 8 or 9 years ago, progressed to my H having an EA, (my Dday was Sept. 2007), and brought me to today.

 

I had many dark times thinking my daughter was not going to make it through this alive. I was wrong. Today, she is healthy, stable, and living a pretty good life.

 

My marriage is looking like it is going to work out now. It took me until June of this year to finally 'get it'. I stopped trying to get my husband to change. I stopped beating my head against the wall. I went to therapy and said I was in a bad marriage, and I needed help to fix what was wrong with ME that kept me in it. I'm working through my issues. I believed I didn't deserve to be treated this way, but by allowing it, I might as well have given it my blessing. I no longer allow it, and I never will again.

 

I've been married 25 years. It seemed like a lot to throw away. I had to accept it didn't matter what had come before, all that mattered was right now, and right now was killing me.

 

Things will never get better for you until YOU make the decision to make them better. That means things like letting your wife go. You tell yourself things like you can't live without her, she is your soul mate, you will never love like that again, blah, blah. Stop. What you need to be thinking is things like what you want out of your life. What are you doing to get those things, and what are you doing to sabotage them? Work this stuff out. If you are not in an open marriage, it is not unreasonable for you to expect faithfulness from your wife. If your wife is not willing to see it that way, and this is vital to your well-being, then cut her loose, because she is not the gal for you.

 

This sounds simple, because it really is. People are different, and what is okay for one person is a deal breaker for another. You get one life to live, and it is up to you, and no one else, to make that life the best it can be. You can try to choke down and make yourself believe something is okay when it isn't and never will be (and I speak from experience, this lesson was extremely hard learned), or you can spend the time and energy learning about yourself, what you need to be happy and content, and then take the steps to have it. You'll see a cheating wife won't even make the list.

[thecatch22]

Reading this hits a nerve for me. Change 'son' to 'daughter' and 'addiction' to 'mental illness', and our stories have a lot in common. It's like you get up one morning, and your home has turned into a battlefield. I understand.

 

Yeah, it seems like a lot family problems follow the same pattern Eeyore. The rehab hospital my son is at has programs to help family members and on almost every slide I can substitute "unfaithful spouse" for "drug addict" and it fits to a tee. People you love doing things you can't change and your only recourse and way to stay sane is to detach, keep yourself healthy, and set your boundaries and stick to them.

 

At least it makes it clear what skills I need to learn.

[thecatch22]

Omg thats horrible. Personally i would never want her back after that.

 

Damn I was hoping to hook her up with someone on this forum to cut down on my spousal support. (ha ha)

[thecatch22]

Another option might be to just leave things as they are, try and sort out your son first and then after that is dealt with go back and try and make a decision on your marriage.

 

I feel terrible for you and it weighs heavy on my heart to read such a story.

 

Yeah dealing with my son first seems like the responsible thing to do, even though it is not my natural tendency. I couldn't believe it at rehab when I heard the relapse rate after treatment is like 90% though. So it might keep me busy for a while. But you also learn how to live your life even if things never improve, so I think I can master those skills and get through this OK.