Ashbash11 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 So, I'm just wondering about other people's experiences, because I am struggling with this issue at the moment. Do you ever feel like if you just stopped calling/texting/emailing your friends, that you would never hear from them again? I keep feeling this way. I am the one who does most of the reaching out in a lot of my friendships, the one who initiates contact first.... I have several really close friends, but even they don't call much..... maybe once every 2-3 months? However, if I call them, we talk once or twice per month.... I'm just feeling like I put forth all of the effort, and I am scared to hold back, because it might mean that I never hear from anyone again. Just wondering if this is a common experience, or a situation unique to me. Perhaps I attract friends who are more passive? I guess I am not sure how much contact is necessary/appropriate in friendships (all of mine are long distance now, since I moved recently...) 1
Confused100 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I feel EXACTLY the same way. Aside from my closest two or three friends (the next circle of friends will contact me occasionally... maybe once or twice a month?), it feels like I have to initiate contact to keep the momentum of the friendship going. If not, we'll never talk again. I often make some decent friends (in my college courses). After the quarter ends, I try to keep up contact, but it ends up being too much work having to initiate everything and it inevitably falls apart. It feels like I just talk to my old high school friends. So in the end, I never really seem to make new friends.... Sometimes I feel like it must be me doing something wrong.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 So, I'm just wondering about other people's experiences, because I am struggling with this issue at the moment. Do you ever feel like if you just stopped calling/texting/emailing your friends, that you would never hear from them again? I keep feeling this way. I am the one who does most of the reaching out in a lot of my friendships, the one who initiates contact first.... I have several really close friends, but even they don't call much..... maybe once every 2-3 months? However, if I call them, we talk once or twice per month.... I'm just feeling like I put forth all of the effort, and I am scared to hold back, because it might mean that I never hear from anyone again. Just wondering if this is a common experience, or a situation unique to me. Perhaps I attract friends who are more passive? I guess I am not sure how much contact is necessary/appropriate in friendships (all of mine are long distance now, since I moved recently...) Actually it's normal to eventually fall into lower touch with so-thought friends. I think it's just another dynamic of this age of texting, FBing, e-mailing and such that gives younger persons the impression that aquaintances that would probably have fallen by the wayside in the pre-information age should become a lasting continuum of presence in each other's life. Finding strength to face solitude has always been part of honing an adult. Now this is being interfered with as bunglers keep herding people forward with unreasoned technology (mostly just floating on the advertizing buck).
Shakz Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Do you ever feel like if you just stopped calling/texting/emailing your friends, that you would never hear from them again? I think you're just lonely because you moved. Once you start making new friends your old ones will be calling wondering what happened to you.
wilson13902 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Continue to reach out. Your real friends will be the ones who are always there for you.
Author Ashbash11 Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 So... this isn't a common experience then? I've been thinking a lot about this issue recently: what "friendship" really means, how often close friends should keep in touch, etc. It's been hard in my case, because I am at the age where I've moved a lot, and there have been many transitions- to college, from college to graduate school, from graduate school to full-time work.... It seems like some friends sort of get lost in the process... I can't be the only one who feels this way.. am I?? Feelin Frisky- Loneliness is part of being an adult? There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am fine being alone-seeing movies, shopping, doing various activities... but I get really lonely, too. We all need human interaction, no matter how young or old.
artsy Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 So... this isn't a common experience then? I've been thinking a lot about this issue recently: what "friendship" really means, how often close friends should keep in touch, etc. It's been hard in my case, because I am at the age where I've moved a lot, and there have been many transitions- to college, from college to graduate school, from graduate school to full-time work.... It seems like some friends sort of get lost in the process... I can't be the only one who feels this way.. am I?? Feelin Frisky- Loneliness is part of being an adult? There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am fine being alone-seeing movies, shopping, doing various activities... but I get really lonely, too. We all need human interaction, no matter how young or old. Hey Ashbash, I feel like this almost all the time. I'm always the one to initiate, and I got sick of it late last year. I decided I was going to stop trying for awhile and see who the people are that responded or initiated. I wasn't surprised to learn that hardly anyone did. Mostly the ones with kids and the ones who were newly engaged, married etc didn't. I also do a lot of activities by myself, I've gotten used to it. Seems the mid-30s are a tough time for many people who aren't married with kids. Have you been meeting any new friends around your area? I have a really tough time with that. I work at home alone, and don't go out much. But yeah, it's like I find that there was a first batch of friends that I had but they sort of petered out after the 20s were over. Is that sort of the same timeline as you?
EHS Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 So... this isn't a common experience then? I've been thinking a lot about this issue recently: what "friendship" really means, how often close friends should keep in touch, etc. It's been hard in my case, because I am at the age where I've moved a lot, and there have been many transitions- to college, from college to graduate school, from graduate school to full-time work.... It seems like some friends sort of get lost in the process... I can't be the only one who feels this way.. am I?? Feelin Frisky- Loneliness is part of being an adult? There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am fine being alone-seeing movies, shopping, doing various activities... but I get really lonely, too. We all need human interaction, no matter how young or old. You are definitely not the only one who has experienced this. This kind of thing happens ALL the time, throughout your life. There are people who initiate and reciprocate contact, and then there are those who are neglectful. I usually let the latter just go after a while... but if they are a particularly valuable friend I might nudge them a bit and they come around. But if not, then you just have to move on and find new friends. But your true friends will eventually come around. Good luck... you will eventually find a stable group of friends.
vintagecat Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Nah. It's all too common. I suspect that after school/college where proximity and similar schedules create easy opportunity to meet and stay in touch, all age groups suffer from your issue to varying degrees. That your post hasn't gotten much commentary may be indicative that none of us really know what to do about it. It's hard finding a balanced friendship with roughly even reciprocity in initiating contact. I too had the same problem but I finally just let the ones that were neglectful go and didn't look back. Sad really but I had to do it. Be aware that you might have a much smaller social circle if you decide to "fire" your non-initiating friends....
Resigned Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Hi Ashbash, No you are not the only one. I have just 2 close friends. With one friend (across the country) we are both good at keeping in touch calling each other 5 times a week. With my other friend who is local, if I don't call her, I won't hear from her. She doesn't have other regular friends either - it's just her weird thing. I've just stopped feeling bad if I don't get in touch with her for a while cause the phone rings both ways.
Author Ashbash11 Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 artsy- I am a bit younger than you are, (almost 26). But I agree with what you are saying. Yes, the friends I made when I was in my early 20's starting out in college have since faded.. I still keep in touch with a few of them, but our contact is much less now that we have all graduated and moved in different directions. I feel better knowing that others have experienced something similar. It's a tough call, because I have friends who I would consider "best friends" who don't bother to call me. They only call back after I have called them first... It's hard to know what to do with friends like this... I guess it comes down to making an ultimate decision: Can I live with always being the one to initiate? Or do I want to let this person leave my life? It's a tough one... I think I'm going through what they call the "quarterlife crisis" right now...
Lipsy10 Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I'm 26 and have definately gone thru this. For years I was always the one making the effort to visit them, talk to them. I did all the running and it was exhausting. A couple of years ago I decided I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I was scared at first because I knew this would mean my social circle would get alot smaller but their comes a time when you have to put yourself first. About 9 months after I stopped visiting/calling I saw said "friends" in the street and stopped to say hi. They where upset with me for not being around. I did feel bad then like maybe I should make an effort but as my boyfriend said "how many times in the last 9 months have they knocked on your door or called you?" at the end of the day they know where I live, if they wanted to see me that badly they would. So here I am 3 years later and they still haven't knocked on my door. I don't mind thou because I've moved on with my life and I'm very happy with it. You can't force people to want to be in your life and not all friendships are meant to last forever. Letting go and moving on is part of growing up.
BlackLovely Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 If you are the only one that does the calling, these people are not your friends. Friendship works both ways. I don't have a lot of respect, for people that become part of a couple and then forget their friends. I will be married in October and even though my fiance and I live together, I still have my close girlfriends. It's healthy for spouses to have lives of their own, outside of the marriage. I find it hard to be friends with parents, simply because I am not one and I have no interest in talking about children all the time. I always wonder who these fair weather friends turn to if the marriage ends? Food for thought.
JDreamer Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I too, am going through friendship issue, i'm in my mid-thirties, and I feel like i don't have any true friends, just....acquaintances....or people i used to know in the past....i'm trying to make the effort to find new friends, and to re-kindle friendships that i've let die out....the only thing i can say is...that it's not easy, but there are good people out there, it's just a matter of trying hard enough to find one....
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Just wondering if this is a common experience, or a situation unique to me. Perhaps I attract friends who are more passive? I guess I am not sure how much contact is necessary/appropriate in friendships (all of mine are long distance now, since I moved recently...) I think people handle friendships differently. Some like chit-chat on the phone, others (like myself) prefer shared activities. I'm not so good at keeping in touch, although I like a bit of banter on facebook, but I enjoy watching sports, going dancing/drinking with people, maybe travel together, etc. because you are long distance, this is harder for you. I have lots of friends I hardly talk to because they are on different parts of the world but if I saw them tomorrow we would have a blast.
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