Looking at porn after we have sex and I go to bed??

[moonglowdewdrop]

Hi everybody, I'd like some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we are in our early/early-mid 20's. Lately I have noticed that my boyfriend is looking at porn when I am home after I go to bed. The other day I asked to have sex and he said he was too tired, only to look at porn when I fell asleep in the next room. Last night, I asked and he said he was too tired but eventually relented and we had good sex. I went to sleep and he stayed up. About an hour and a half later I went upstairs, suspicious. The door was closed though it was open when he was playing video games. I walked in and though I didn't catch him in the act, this morning when I go through the computer files I see that he looked at porn AGAIN. Even though we just had sex. I haven't said anything, mostly because I am snooping to find this information. We've had arguments about me being snoopy in the past so I only want to bring this up if necessary. I used to not mind porn and thought it was just normal, but it is really hurting me that he turns me down for sex in favor of porn. Also, he looks at it every single time I leave the house. It is causing me a lot of mental distress. If it matters, I have not gained weight or gotten out of shape or somehow less attractive since we began dating. I am still the same size/shape/etc.

 

Advice please???? I am going crazy but don't want to ruin my relationship over nothing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is really hurting me that he turns me down for sex in favor of porn.

 

Is there a way you can tell him this straight up without him taking it as confrontational? I think if you leave everything out but this one part it will go a lot better, particularly if it is not set up as an argument or confrontation. Don't cry, or let your emotions get the best of you. All that will do is frustrate him, and his guilt will manifest itself as anger and he will turn it on you.

 

Just make it as neutral as possible so that he can't react to your emotions and will be forced to listen to what you are saying.

 

If he brings up snooping, etc - just calmly say "this isn't about privacy issues or snooping or even porn. This is about how what you are doing is making me feel."

 

Do not let him bait you into deflecting into a different argument. If he says something and you feel anger, swallow it down and calmly bring it back to the point: that you feel hurt and rejected when he watches porn instead of having sex. Don't make it an argument about porn/jealousy/etc. Make it about how what he does hurts you, and how the two of you can work on making the situation better.

 

Ask him calmly and non-confrontationally why he prefers to do that. The less accusatory you sound to him, the more likely it is you will open a very important dialogue between the two of you. Make it clear that you will not punish him for honesty and follow through. This sort of thing has to be approached delicately - he knows he is wrong, but you have to find a way to help him admit it without turning it on you somehow.

[pringlej]

maybe just talk to him about your sex life? figure out a way to spice it up a bit?

 

my friend had the same problem with her bf and it got to her as well, so it will only get worse if you don't sort it out asap.

 

being a guy myself, it doesnt sound right for a guy to say that they're too tired to have sex....

[Celtic_Girl]

Hmmm it doesn't sound right, in actual fact I think he might have an addition, but I really doubt you are doing anything wrong. Its best to approach him and be honest about it.

[jenifer1972]

Join some of us on a current thread already going about this topic, of husbands prefering solo sex to coupled sex. Same story, different man..

[hopesndreams]

Porn isn't normal with your boyfriend. He uses it to make him feel good. It's his addiction.

 

His addiction is like a tight pair of shoes.

 

His shoes are tight, he views porn, and his shoes feel more comfortable.

 

It's the porn that makes his shoes tight in the first place.

 

this kinda stuff has icky factor all over it.

 

If you don't plan on marrying him and having his babies, just leave him to it.

 

You want to fight for him? Good luck in competing with women who make a lucrative living off this stuff, they are drugged outta their minds, most likely jailbait, performing every known deviant fantasy known to man, and he favours them over you.

 

That is icky.

Edited July 23, 2010 by hopesndreams

[Untouchable_Fire]

You want to fight for him? Good luck in competing with women who make a lucrative living off this stuff, they are drugged outta their minds, most likely jailbait, performing every known deviant fantasy known to man, and he favours them over you.

 

Don't be silly.

 

For most men porn is purely functional. It's a masturbation aid just like a vibrator. His real addiction is to 1. masturbation, and 2. fantasy. That won't go away if he stops using porn.

 

So... she needs to tackle the underlying issues... which more often are relationship based. Example: I see guys fall into this pattern of behavior most often when they feel powerless or out of control in a relationship.

[OrdealByFire]

I watch porn, and my girlfriend pretty much hates me for it. She doesn't feel good enough. The question is, would you rather have me cheat, or watch porn if you had the choice between the two? Just because a guy watches porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive at all.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is where it can go off track, fast. Moon, if he tries to make it a porn debate, tell him firmly that it isn't about porn: it is about him doing something that he knows hurts you (it doesn't matter what it is he is doing when it comes right down to it) - he needs to know that he is hurting you, and continuing to hurt you.

 

When someone does something to you repeatedly that they know is hurting you, and they refuse to stop - it is a form of emotional abuse. Addicts do not get a free pass to hurt others simply because they are addicts - now he may not be an addict per se, but he is acting like one. Focus on the fact that his actions are hurting you. Don't make it a debate about what those actions are, or how right/wrong they are.

 

The bottom line is that he needs to stop hurting you, and that may means some hard compromises on his part, including some sort of counseling to help you two find an objective way to get your feelings across to each other.

 

If he refuses, then your only options are to stay and suffer, or leave. If a man would let go of his marriage in lieu of porn, then he is not a man you want to be married to anymore.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I do not have a problem with porn in a relationship unless the sex life in the relationship is unsatisfactory.

 

I.E. if you are having to practically force him into having sex with you, but he's constantly viewing porn, that's a problem.

 

I'm surprised by how many people have said try to work it out...you are both young and not legally committed to each other...personally I say move on. If my partner were to choose porn over me, let alone on a regular basis, it would be a major dealbreaker.

[Shakz]

I would say that he does have a porn addiction simply because of the high frequency with which he views it and that he often prefers it to real human contact that is readily available. I wouldn't be surprised if, when you are making love, he's fantasizing about a completely different scenario. There are various forms of therapy for people to overcome addiction, but the addict must first recognize that they have a problem. For his own sake, regardless of whether you want to save the relationship or not, he needs to be made aware of his addiction. I wouldn't be confrontational about it, at least not at first, as you have already said porn itself you're issue. I would do as previous posters have recommended, and begin by letting him know you're being hurt by his behavior.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The question is, would you rather have me cheat, or watch porn if you had the choice between the two?

 

Nice emotional blackmail ploy! I hope your girlfriend finds a romantic, caring sexual dynamo to fulfill her every desire while you play with yourself and your porn. That would be a win/win, don't you think?

[hopesndreams]

I watch porn, and my girlfriend pretty much hates me for it. She doesn't feel good enough. The question is, would you rather have me cheat, or watch porn if you had the choice between the two? Just because a guy watches porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive at all.

 

Your gf hates you for it and yet, you still do it.

 

You would cheat if you didn't get to watch porn? What a ridiculous statement.

[OrdealByFire]

I didn't mean for that to sound like an ultimatum, but I get it.

 

The reason I watch porn? Is because it's an LDR. And also because she isn't exactly the most sexual of people. She's a cuddler and a kisser, and that's great, really it is, but for her to get mad at me for watching porn is sort of ridiculous in itself.

 

She doesn't want me to 'help' her, and she doesn't want to 'help' me, so what else do I do? I'm not one to cheat, but porn is harmless, and I'd willingly not watch it if we were together permanently and she WANTED to have sex.

[You'reasian]

 

When someone does something to you repeatedly that they know is hurting you, and they refuse to stop - it is a form of emotional abuse.

 

If he refuses, then your only options are to stay and suffer, or leave. If a man would let go of his marriage in lieu of porn, then he is not a man you want to be married to anymore.

 

By similar logic, if a woman goes off to the bathroom at 3am to play with her box of toys and the guy is even the slightest bit bothered by this - its a form of emotional abuse?

 

I'd imagine the population of women who use them (its over a billion dollar a year industry and pleasure parties are huge!) and are in relationships/married, would be ok with their guys looking at porn...but I could be wrong?

 

Ladies?

Edited July 25, 2010 by You'reasian

[Shakz]

I'd imagine the population of women who use them (its over a billion dollar a year industry and pleasure parties are huge!)

 

........ I'm trying to imagine the women I've known doing something like that. Wait, I'm actually trying not to imagine that!

[flying]

By similar logic, if a woman goes off to the bathroom at 3am to play with her box of toys and the guy is even the slightest bit bothered by this - its a form of emotional abuse?

 

I'd imagine the population of women who use them (its over a billion dollar a year industry and pleasure parties are huge!) and are in relationships/married, would be ok with their guys looking at porn...but I could be wrong?

 

Ladies?

 

No, the proper parallel to draw would be: By similar logic, if a woman withholds sex repeatedly (notice the repeatedly part that LB mentioned) and the guy is bothered by this - it's a form of emotional abuse?

 

Judging from the umpteen threads on that topic, I'd say most guys here think that yes, it's a kind of emotional abuse when a woman in a relationship repeatedly withholds sex, even though she's aware it makes her partner deeply unhappy. Well then. We have a parallel.

 

The trouble is that when you bring the dreaded P-word into it, reason flies out the window - and nope, I'm not just talking about women. But it is what it is, and I don't see the point in pretending porn isn't part of the equation if it obviously is - he's choosing something rather than having sex with his wife, and porn's it. Is it porn's fault? Of course not. But is porn related to the problem? Sure.

Edited July 26, 2010 by flying

[LucreziaBorgia]

By similar logic, if a woman goes off to the bathroom at 3am to play with her box of toys and the guy is even the slightest bit bothered by this - its a form of emotional abuse?

 

I'd imagine the population of women who use them (its over a billion dollar a year industry and pleasure parties are huge!) and are in relationships/married, would be ok with their guys looking at porn...but I could be wrong?

 

Ladies?

 

I don't see that as similar. Now, if the woman in question repeatedly turns down her husband for sex (we are talking months or years at a time) and instead uses toys to get off and does it with full knowledge that her husband is hurting emotionally as a result, then yes that is emotional abuse.

 

One of my exes had a wife like this - she literally would go a year or more without sex with him, but she would do things like have a dildo made from a mold of his penis and then get off with that and didn't care if he knew. She knew he was dying inside and she did it anyway. She didn't care about his needs at all and made a point of continuing to do stuff that she knew would hurt him.

 

That is emotional abuse. It took him a loooooooong time to get over the things she did to him that were related to her withholding sex (trust me, there was a LOT more things she would do - some were absolutely horrendous).