My NC LOG

[earthfireuk]

This will be long....

 

 

I really feel bad today. I guess it’s because I knew she was camping with her sister for the past few days and she is probably back now.

I keep having thoughts of her with this other guy and its driving me insane. Why can I not accept this and forget about her?

I want to more than anything now because the pain is so strong. This is the worst I have felt since Saturday when I last saw her. I keep thinking about when we first met and how wonderful we were together. I keep thinking how she is probably having that same wonderful experience with another guy.

 

Maybe she isn’t but she did tell me on Saturday she had been on a couple of dates with a guy and he was nice. Aaarrg lol I need to get this crap out of my head. I’m getting tired of this now. She is in my head too much.

She is probably getting on with things, feeling good and here I am trying to get on with my life but how can I when she is in my thoughts constantly.

 

These are the days when you think about breaking NC. It’s not an option but god I wish that I could. I wish that there was something I could say, something I could do that will encourage her to want to make us work. I’m helpless.

 

Knowing that I may not speak to her again if I don’t contact her is also really hard. She might contact me again in time... maybe. Then again, even if she did then there wouldn’t really be any point unless she feels she would like us to get back together.

 

Ok I’m going to rant now, so feel free to stop reading as this is mainly for my own benefit.

 

She never really gave us a chance.

 

When I broke up with my Ex, Ex girlfriend of three years. I worked on our relationship. I spent so much energy trying to make us work. I broke up with her but I never stopped trying to make our relationship work. In the end, I ended our relationship because I felt that there was nothing more I could do.

 

My relationship with my recent ex was quite short (9 months) but I felt we had something very special. We were only together for a few weeks, then she went travelling for 4 months, I then joined her for 3.5 months and then two weeks after we get back she breaks up with me.

I guess what I’m saying is that I find it hard to digest. When you believe you have something so special with someone that you have never had before and even though there is a simple, resolvable reason as to why the relationship struggled. They end the relationship without really putting in any effort to sort out the problem. Our relationship was put under pressure because it all happened so quickly, was very intense and we were both in a very tough situation due to her going travelling very soon into our relationship.

 

I then joined her on her trip and initially found it difficult as It was my first time travelling. She understands that. It’s not that much of a big deal and those are valid reasons. I was still a loving, caring boyfriend out there, I just wasn’t as confident. If we were not flung into that situation so early on in our relationship then I truly, wholeheartedly believe that we would still be together and we would be very happy. She said this herself before we got back home. She said “if things were this tough for us at home then I think it would be best for us to end our relationship but I love you and I know that we wouldn’t be like this in a normal situation so I want us to spend some time together at home to develop our relationship”. Sensible idea! Then two weeks after we get back home, she dumps me. So she never gave us that opportunity... that is what hurts the most. I feel the situation our relationship was put in has had such a huge part to play in its demise. The people were right but the situation was wrong. The thing that get me the most is that she knows that but still can’t get past it.

 

How can one understandable, resolvable issue cause someone who seemed to be so madly in love with me to not even try? I just don’t get it. That’s the reason why I am finding it so hard to get past this. When we first got together we were so happy. We weren’t together for long before she went away but we both felt like we had something really amazing and rare together. Because of one difficult, pressured situation we both felt wasn’t a true representation of us as a couple. She jumps ship, before we have really even had a chance. I feel cheated. She was the only girl I have ever met who I believed was “the one”. She knows the reasons why our relationship was put under pressure. And still won’t even give it a chance.

 

 

 

Ahh that’s better 

 

Well a little better... I have probably been over and over this before numerous times but I still can’t find an answer...

[earthfireuk]

Wow, what a day yesterday. It was like I was back to the beginning of the pain all over again. I didn't expect when I woke up to feel like that. I guess it's pretty obvious from my ranting posts yesterday that that i had it pretty bad. It hit me like a ton of bricks and i just felt like i needed to find answers. I worked through allot yesterday and feel much better for it. It’s strange how you have to visit the pain and the sadness to help get your head together.

 

I do feel much better today but I can't seem to shake this hope inside me. I want to lose the hope as I want to be able to move on from this hurt but its proving so difficult. I thought hope was a good thing but i guess it depends on the situation and right now I don't want it or need it there.

 

I was even toying with the idea of writing her a letter today. Then the icing on the top was when i was thinking of ordering her a miniature Pohutukawa tree from New Zealand and sending it to her house. She once sent me a beautiful Christmas card when she was travelling with two people having a picnic underneath one. She said it will be me and her when i get out there with her. It was lovely. aarrg lol i can actually believe I was seriously considering sending her that gift....I have a very silly head

 

 

That's the problem that we all struggle with when we are in NC. I get to a point where i think" Right, that’s it. I will never speak to her again" because I broke NC and hurt too much. Then after a while of NC I feel like I need to contact her and make up any excuse possible in order to do it. Like a moth to the flame!

Edited August 6, 2010 by earthfireuk

[earthfireuk]

I feel so close to breaking no contact.... i can't though... it was left on a nice note and I can't risk messing that up.....

 

Im between a rock and a hard place right now. I feel so stuck...

[HopeLove]

I know NC it's very hard and all the time I'm waiting for him to contact me but he's not doing it .

Sometimes I feel that keeping NC is even worse than having contact from time to time. I don't know.

Now I'm again wanting to have some hope although I know that when I didn't I was feeling better but somehow I can't help it.

What I want to say is that I understand you, I'm going through the same and I feel for you.

[Sambo]

same here! I've let that go and I haven't talked to her for the last 2-3 days since she told me she loved him and wants to be with him (we were still cuddling in bed and being romantic the day before that...imagine how betrayed I feel). I will see her tomorrow at a common friend's birthday. I'll go back on NC afterwards for good until we meet again at friend's events and such.

 

 

Wow incredible I had the same thing happen. We made love on a Sunday morning and she was in love with the new guy by Friday the next week.

 

 

 

She has told me at least 100x that she has never loved anyone as much as she has me including her 19 yr marriage.

 

I just don't understand how someone can do this. When I love someone I never leave them.

 

 

 

Sambo, thanks for the support. Im sorry to hear about your situation mate. It must be so hard. To be honest though It doesn't really matter if she is with someone else or not. She's not with me and your girl is not with you. They are both missin out on two wonderful guys and if they can't see that then it is there loss. Even though I don't think my ex is seeing someone else I have no idea really. Just wait mate. The chances are your girls new guy is a rebound and is probably an idiot. It may just make her realise what she is missing in you. Be strong mate, i'm with ya 100%.

 

 

Thanks mate, I hope your right but I doubt it because he is more financially stable then me and that's what she wanted from me. I think she will eventually see that money isn't worth exchanging for real love but it probably will be to late for me by then because I'm not even sure I could take her back now with this betrayal.

 

 

30 days NC for me and I feel a bit better each day.

 

I still break down 2-3 x per day for 10-20 mins though

[earthfireuk]

Weekends are horrible....

 

I haven't been able to shake thoughts of her with someone else this weekend. I have written so many dead messages on my phone.. my drafts box is getting full up. I keep wanting to reach out to her. I feel like I need too. Its the worst feeling knowing there is nothing in the world you can do. I wonder if she knows how i'm feeling, how I have been feeling every second of the day since we broke up. I don't think I would want her too.

[earthfireuk]

Day 8

 

I had the worst dreams last night. I dreamt that my Ex had a new boyfriend and introduced me to him. They started kissing... it was horrible.

 

I woke up feeling awful.

 

Think it was probably something to do with how I was feeling yesterday. I couldn’t stop thinking of her with another guy and I was getting really upset. Last night I was so close to texting her but I managed to hold out. It took every little bit of my self control to stop myself though.

 

I’m obsessing over this girl far too much now. I keep thinking that every day that goes by is another day she moves farther away from me. I am starting to feel very low for still thinking like this. I feel so stupid and selfish to still spend all my time thinking about her. I just want to break the cycle but I can’t. I can’t reach out to her and I can’t move forward. I’m in limbo land. It seems like time is flying so fast too. It’s been absolutely ages since the split now. Nearly 3 months! I just want time to pass really slowly to slow down the pace at which I am losing her. Every month that passes is another month between us. Another month for us to grow apart.

 

She probably thinks I’m all happy now and over it because she probably is. Can’t believe the feeling is still so raw. I seem to have lost a bit of the energy I had to improve myself too which is not good.

[Sambo]

Day 8

 

I had the worst dreams last night. I dreamt that my Ex had a new boyfriend and introduced me to him. They started kissing... it was horrible.

 

I woke up feeling awful.

 

Think it was probably something to do with how I was feeling yesterday. I couldn’t stop thinking of her with another guy and I was getting really upset. Last night I was so close to texting her but I managed to hold out. It took every little bit of my self control to stop myself though.

 

I’m obsessing over this girl far too much now. I keep thinking that every day that goes by is another day she moves farther away from me. I am starting to feel very low for still thinking like this. I feel so stupid and selfish to still spend all my time thinking about her. I just want to break the cycle but I can’t. I can’t reach out to her and I can’t move forward. I’m in limbo land. It seems like time is flying so fast too. It’s been absolutely ages since the split now. Nearly 3 months! I just want time to pass really slowly to slow down the pace at which I am losing her. Every month that passes is another month between us. Another month for us to grow apart.

 

She probably thinks I’m all happy now and over it because she probably is. Can’t believe the feeling is still so raw. I seem to have lost a bit of the energy I had to improve myself too which is not good.

 

 

Be strong my friend,

 

Mine actually does have a new bf and it's much worse then the threat of one.

 

Keep putting images of her missing you and lonely in your mind and you will feel much better.

 

Do this every time you feel anxiety about her.

 

Trust me this works.

[earthfireuk]

Be strong my friend,

 

Mine actually does have a new bf and it's much worse then the threat of one.

 

Keep putting images of her missing you and lonely in your mind and you will feel much better.

 

Do this every time you feel anxiety about her.

 

Trust me this works.

 

Hey Sambo, thanks mate but when I saw her last Saturday for the last time. She told me she has seen a guy a couple of times and he is nice. Get the feeling if it hasn’t happened already then it is only a matter of time. I think she is with someone else now. I don’t know for sure but if she has dated this guy a couple of times then it’s on the cards...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Day 8

 

I had the worst dreams last night. I dreamt that my Ex had a new boyfriend and introduced me to him. They started kissing... it was horrible.

 

I woke up feeling awful.

 

Think it was probably something to do with how I was feeling yesterday. I couldn’t stop thinking of her with another guy and I was getting really upset. Last night I was so close to texting her but I managed to hold out. It took every little bit of my self control to stop myself though.

 

I’m obsessing over this girl far too much now. I keep thinking that every day that goes by is another day she moves farther away from me. I am starting to feel very low for still thinking like this. I feel so stupid and selfish to still spend all my time thinking about her. I just want to break the cycle but I can’t. I can’t reach out to her and I can’t move forward. I’m in limbo land. It seems like time is flying so fast too. It’s been absolutely ages since the split now. Nearly 3 months! I just want time to pass really slowly to slow down the pace at which I am losing her. Every month that passes is another month between us. Another month for us to grow apart.

 

She probably thinks I’m all happy now and over it because she probably is. Can’t believe the feeling is still so raw. I seem to have lost a bit of the energy I had to improve myself too which is not good.

 

I'm right with you earthfire. I've been on the obsessing kick and really kicked it into high gear last week. Went down and met her at work, confronted her about staying at this other guys place, told her to look me in the eyes and tell me she didn't love me, Missed 2 days of work, just a major drama fest.

 

I thought it had to be done though. I now realize that its her with the problem, and nothing I did. She's messed up in the head.

 

They know how we feel. There is no need to reinforce that, but I guess you need to be the judge. I made it perfectly clear. You likely did also.

 

What more can we do? The only thing we can do is let them go and move on. If they come back, it has to be on their own free will. We can not force them unfortunately.

 

Sorry friend, but know there are lots of us out here right with you. They tell us it will get better. I hope they are right.

[HopeLove]

I feel for you. I know all this is so hard. At least we try to help each other here. Try to not to think so much about her.

[whatadeer26]

I do the same thing. Think about another guy touching her has made me mad a lot. All I can say is in time you will let go. Little by little it will hurt less.

 

When I first started out, I would be hung up on the thought for hours. Basically, sending me into a panic attack. Now, I think about it and kinda laugh.

 

Out of sight out of mind. Remove all triggers of your ex if you have not done so already.

 

Be strong. Worry about the day at hand and try not to look into the future.

[earthfireuk]

I'm right with you earthfire. I've been on the obsessing kick and really kicked it into high gear last week. Went down and met her at work, confronted her about staying at this other guys place, told her to look me in the eyes and tell me she didn't love me, Missed 2 days of work, just a major drama fest.

 

I thought it had to be done though. I now realize that its her with the problem, and nothing I did. She's messed up in the head.

 

They know how we feel. There is no need to reinforce that, but I guess you need to be the judge. I made it perfectly clear. You likely did also.

 

What more can we do? The only thing we can do is let them go and move on. If they come back, it has to be on their own free will. We can not force them unfortunately.

 

Sorry friend, but know there are lots of us out here right with you. They tell us it will get better. I hope they are right.

 

Ahh HPD, sounds like you did exactly the thing that we all feel we have to do when we are in this situation. How did she react? Was she understanding?

 

You did what you felt you needed to do mate. I guess it's just all part of the getting over them process. It's the worst thing though when you find out they are moving on.

I think the rebound is a pretty easy thing for girl dumpers to go for as they don't really need to put much effort in. Men usually do the chasing.

I think I was a damn good boyfriend to her. Well I literally travelled to the ends of the earth for her. Her loss! actually after lunch today I started to feel a bit better. Had a chat with a female friend and she was a good sounding board. ah... the ups and downs... I just want a happy mid ground right now.

We have done all that we can my friend. We fight for those we love and never give up until we know we have exhausted all avenues. That my friend is something we should be proud of. I don't know about your ex but mine is clearly pretty fickle and has wishy washy emotions. I was in love, therefore willing to put the "i am in love with you" kind of effort into our relationship to make it work. Her version " I am in love with you" involved putting in about as much effort to resolve things as you would a high school crush. Im 26 now and need somone a little more relaible than that. They will realise one day and if not.. its still there loss.

Edited August 9, 2010 by earthfireuk

[earthfireuk]

I do the same thing. Think about another guy touching her has made me mad a lot. All I can say is in time you will let go. Little by little it will hurt less.

 

When I first started out, I would be hung up on the thought for hours. Basically, sending me into a panic attack. Now, I think about it and kinda laugh.

 

Out of sight out of mind. Remove all triggers of your ex if you have not done so already.

 

Be strong. Worry about the day at hand and try not to look into the future.

 

 

Thanks Whatadeer. Its horrible isn't it. I felt like my head was going to explode or something. It kind of peaked at lunch time though and has dies down a bit now. Think my brain is litereally far to tired to go round and round in circles anymore. Im sure it will pick up again though after a good nights sleep

 

Imagining her with another man is so horrible. Im kind of taking comfort in the fact that no man could ever love and respect this girl as much as I do. She means the world to me. Her loss.

[earthfireuk]

I feel for you. I know all this is so hard. At least we try to help each other here. Try to not to think so much about her.

 

 

Thank you hopelove (hugs)

 

Its so hard isnt it. I never though I would be in this situation a few months ago.... how the mighty have fallen :-( LS is a god send!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Ahh HPD, sounds like you did exactly the thing that we all feel we have to do when we are in this situation. How did she react? Was she understanding?

 

You did what you felt you needed to do mate. I guess it's just all part of the getting over them process. It's the worst thing though when you find out they are moving on.

I think the rebound is a pretty easy thing for girl dumpers to go for as they don't really need to put much effort in. Men usually do the chasing.

I think I was a damn good boyfriend to her. Well I literally travelled to the ends of the earth for her. Her loss! actually after lunch today I started to feel a bit better. Had a chat with a female friend and she was a good sounding board. ah... the ups and downs... I just want a happy mid ground right now.

We have done all that we can my friend. We fight for those we love and never give up until we know we have exhausted all avenues. That my friend is something we should be proud of. I don't know about your ex but mine is clearly pretty fickle and has wishy washy emotions. I was in love, therefore willing to put the "i am in love with you" kind of effort into our relationship to make it work. Her version " I am in love with you" involved putting in about as much effort to resolve things as you would a high school crush. Im 26 now and need somone a little more relaible than that. They will realise one day and if not.. its still there loss.

 

Well man,

You can read my thread for the blow by blow, but it felt so awesome at the time. She smiled when she saw me, I escourted her to her car. Hugged and kissed several times. I thought I got her to agree to meet with me the next day. Oh I had so much hope, only to have her freak out on me the following day. I have the emails posted in my thread.

 

My ex is still married (I know, dumb) and is a complete mess by her own admission right now. I'm the one who got blindsided because I trusted again. Its wearing me out man.

 

She is running from any kind of emotional attachment at this point, even though she is "seeing" someone, but its "nothing serious" and they are "not in a relationship or anything". You'd have to check out my thread. Its a major mindf#ck bro.

 

My ex was with her husband since she was 15, and she 29 now, so she is basically acting like a 15 year old. There's nothing I can do anymore and its just so disheartening. I just can't be the crazy ex, and its hard not to because I AM! She just doesn't know it yet, but after last week, she's probably starting to sense it.

 

It sucks earthfire!! I'm not proud of myself about it and how its affecting me!!

 

Don't be me!

[earthfireuk]

Day 9

 

Ok now this is really strange... I actually feel like 500 times better at the moment 

 

The hurt and pain peaked over the past few days. I had some of the worst days since the break recently.

Yesterday I started to feel a little better though. My thoughts calmed down and my emotions dulled quite a bit. I feel so much better today. It is very strange just how quickly the way you feel can change. The only way I can explain it is that I feel more accepting of the situation, more relaxed and less bothered about thoughts of her with someone else. The urge to contact her has also gone. It’s like my body and mind had to go through that whole process of horrible pain in order to eventually be able to calm its self down. I even feel a little excited! Not for any particular reason, just for life in general! How can this change happen so quickly??! For all of you lovely people who is where I was emotionally the past few days. Read this and find a little hope that for some weird reason. You will start to feel better!

 

Weird.... but a very nice step in the right direction. Hope it lasts!

[earthfireuk]

Ahhh, just logged into facebook and she popped up on my news feed saying that she is going to europe in november travelling again. I had hidden her from my feed so i couldn't see her. Something obviously went wrong with FB and she became visible on my news feed again.

Ill be ok, its just the shock of seeing her writing her plans made my heart jump out of my chest. If anything, knowing that she has decided to go travelling again in november has made me even more determined to get saving to go away again! I didn't need to see that though.

[spriggig]

...If anything, knowing that she has decided to go travelling again in november has made me even more determined to get saving to go away again! I didn't need to see that though.

 

Her plans have nothing to do with you. You're not in a competition or a pageant, she doesn't care what you do or who you do it with or when you do it. It's all you now and the sooner you make the shift from doing for her to doing for you, the sooner you'll get over her.

[earthfireuk]

Her plans have nothing to do with you. You're not in a competition or a pageant, she doesn't care what you do or who you do it with or when you do it. It's all you now and the sooner you make the shift from doing for her to doing for you, the sooner you'll get over her.

 

Hi Spriggig,

Her plans do mean something to me because I care about her. I also believe that she does care what I’m up to. I don’t feel like I’m in competition with her. I just want to follow my path and it frustrates me that right now my financial situation is inhibiting that. It’s nice to know she is going to follow her dreams. It doesn’t upset me or make me want to compete with her because I heard about what she is up to. It just encourages me to do what I want to do, which is to go travelling again Really her plans that I found about are not the problem. It was purely a post about seeing her communication with people on FB which I didn’t really want to see and feeling like I want to go travelling again.

[Sambo]

Her plans have nothing to do with you. You're not in a competition or a pageant, she doesn't care what you do or who you do it with or when you do it. It's all you now and the sooner you make the shift from doing for her to doing for you, the sooner you'll get over her.

 

 

^^^

 

He's right my friend.

 

What she does is non of your business anymore !

 

This is the hardest thing to do because when we as men love a woman we always want to protect her. You must get the idea that she is yours to protect out of your head now. She's her own person now and you have no more rights.

 

Be strong my friend.

[earthfireuk]

I am feeling allot better today still. I’m starting to get very excited and restless. I just want to going travelling again though. I have accepted and am moving on. Lets hope it stays that way! I did have a few minutes last night where I kind of felt strange. It was like I almost felt like the whole experience I have been through was a bit of a dream and sad that worked out the way it did. I am thinking so much more clearly now and feel acceptance of why it ended up the way it did. We were just both on our own paths. We tried to intertwine them but it didn’t work. To the future!

[earthfireuk]

I started to feel a bit disappointed today. Not because I really want to speak to her anymore or anything like that (been there, done that). More because it makes me feel sad that she is quite happy to not have me in her life at all anymore by the looks of things. That makes me sad.

 

I was beginning to wonder if I didn’t contact her ever again if she would bother to contact me. Who knows??.... I guess she will at some point but I have just been questioning how much she actually cared. I have also been thinking whether the whole experience I had with this girl was actually an illusion? How you can believe someone loves you so much but in reality they can just decide to disappear.

Now Im moving on a bit and feeling better, I feel a little bit silly for believing in our relationship so much and trying to put so much into it.

Was it really all that i thought it was? Was I making it up to be something it wasn’t? Maybe it wasn’t that amazing? I still think it was and could have been but I look back and sometimes think that maybe my idea of how she felt was blown out of preportion. Maybe I overlooked the bad things too much and maybe she didn’t love me as much as I thought she did.

 

Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on these things. I’m not feeling too bad so it would be silly to dwell. Im just going through a bit of a disappointed stage at the moment.

 

I deleted her on Facebook today too. There is no point in having her on there and I always have to avoid her profile like the plague which gets a bit annoying after a while. Much better if she isn’t on there.

[boosh]

I know how you're feeling today. I've felt that so many times recently.

 

It's not that she's happier because you're not in her life anymore. She's happier because she's finding comfort in other people while she's healing herself most likely. I highly doubt she's happier just to spite you or something of that nature.

 

Just realize, as hard as it is right now for you, that you need to start to move on. You went NC, then contacted her and saw her, and then went NC again. That's the exact same thing I did as well in my case. It was something that needed to happen for me to personally move on.

 

As much as I've wanted to call her, text her, whatever sometimes after our meeting last week, even if it's something stupid like a youtube video that I'd think she'd like, I've resisted the urge. I know that I NEED to be strong and begin to move on with my life.

 

Stay strong man, it sucks, but it does get easier. I'm only on NC#2 Day 6, but already I'm beginning to feel better for the most part.

[howlong]

Wow Earthfireuk....reading your thread was like reading about myself, my thoughts, my mistakes, my ups and downs...your story in ways is so similar to mine....(with one glaring exception...my ex hasn't responded to my heart felt contact ).

It was theraputic to read this....and makes me realize how important it is that I really stick with the NC....I have broke it in the past after feeling better only to have the same set backs you've described, the pain of 'square one'.

 

Time heals all wounds right?