Girlfriend is still "a fan" of the famous girl she slept with behind my back

[Finished]

Hi All,

 

I've been with my bisexual girlfriend for 4 years (I'm a male). She became a fan of a female musician before I met her and eventually, after talking to her at some of her concerts, grew to be friends with her. The musician lived in a different city so they weren't THAT close, but my girlfriend had a bit of an obsession with this girl and spent 30 minutes or so every day reading her blog and watching videos of her. They kept in touch and would meet up when possible for dinner...and for sex. They slept together a few times before I she met me. I was aware of their past together and actually thought it was pretty cool (what guy wouldn't, right?). Since I'd met her, I'd always been invited to hang out with the musician friend when she was in town. No sex ever occurred. Then, a few weeks ago, I was feeling ill and stayed home while my girlfriend went to meet the musician for dinner. She slept with her that night. I was not OK with it. After a few days of fighting, my girlfriend told me that she was wrong for cheating on me and would do anything to earn my trust back. She even promised that she would no longer see the musician.

 

I'm now working on getting over my anger about the cheating. One major problem I'm having is that my girlfriend still listens to this musicians music, she still reads every article about her, and still reads her blog often. I've told her that I don't feel comfortable with how she is still obsessed with this girl. She tells me I have no right to get upset and she is just a fan...I think she stopped being "just a fan" the first time they slept together.

 

I'm finding it hard enough to forget about her cheating when I keep hearing this musicians music in malls, and seeing posters for her albums all over town. I'm not happy with the fact that my girlfriend is still following her every move, especially after I've told her how I feel about it.

 

I believe that my girlfriend is sorry and that she won't cheat on me again, but the way she is acting is like pouring salt on my open wound. Our relationship is on thin ice since she cheated and I'm scared that I might push her away and seem too controlling if I tell her I don't like her reading the blog or watching videos of the girl, but it makes me upset to see how enthralled she still is with her.

 

The way I see it, she's paying way too much attention to an ex-lover. If I was keeping close tabs on an ex-girlfriend and spent all day looking at pictures of her, she would surely be upset.

 

The way she sees it, she's just listening to her favorite musician and I'm just being jealous.

 

We've got a very honest relationship with a lot of potential. In fact, it was the best relationship either of us had ever been in before this happened. I'm getting over the actual cheating and I don't want to end the relationship because she won't stop listening to her favorite musician, but it's much more than that, isn't it?

 

Should I be OK with her still being an obsessed fan of the girl who she nearly ended our relationship for?

 

Please be honest and let me know if I'm in the wrong here. I deeply care about this relationship and want to work out these problems...no matter whose fault they are.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The way she sees it, she's just listening to her favorite musician and I'm just being jealous.

 

Should I be OK with her still being an obsessed fan of the girl who she nearly ended our relationship for?

 

Please be honest and let me know if I'm in the wrong here. I deeply care about this relationship and want to work out these problems...no matter whose fault they are.

 

She cheated... and your just jealous?

 

I'm sorry but she sounds absolutely ridiculous. She is pushing your boundaries. She wants to know how much you will let her get away with this. Are you going to let her get away with it?

[Bryanp]

If she had cheated on you with a male musician and continued to exhibit this type of behavior, I doubt you would be so accepting. It is exactly the same. It is really foul that she waited for you to be sick so she could have sex with this other gal behind your back after being with you for 4 years. Are you really sure that she has not cheating on you with other women during your 4 years together? I agree that the fact that she is still fawning over this woman by listening to her music, checking her facebook and so forth is a real slap in the face to you and shows total disrespect to you and your relationship.

 

You say you have a great relationship but maybe you should step back and really look and ask yourself what kind of person would continue to hurt you this way? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. How did she justify cheating on you? She seems not to have any boundaries. I think in the long run you would be better with someone else who apparently does not think that it is a good idea to sexually cheat on her boyfriend when he is sick. Her continuing behavior is sending you a clear message that your feeling are simply not that important to her. Surely you can do better than be with a person like this. Don't you?

[Dexter Morgan]

Finished. No, you are not in the wrong or out of line.

 

If she is obsessing over a famous person that she slept with, tell her to go to her and ask her to let her move in so said famous person can take care of her.

 

then tell her to let you know how that works out for her......and move on to someone better.

[Finished]

Thanks for the replies. After reading your responses, I spoke to my girlfriend again. I told her that she was being very disrespectful to me and that she was welcome to continue fawning over the musician for as long as she wanted, but I wasn't willing to stay with her if she did. She told me that she hated seeing me hurt so badly and that although she can't simply "turn off" her love of the music (which I can understand), she's going to try. She says she'll no longer follow her online and has unsubscribed from all the mailing lists.

 

I know, I know, I should be taking a good hard look at the relationship and re-evaluate my long term plans with this girl, but I'm just not ready to give up on her yet. We both agree that things were perfect before the "incident" and we both want to get the relationship back to that level.

 

Do you guys read these forums often? It must be very frustrating for you to see people in these troubled relationships who refuse to listen to reason.

[Bryanp]

My question to you is why did she screw another women behind your back waiting until you were sick to do it? Are you in an open relationship? You say no then why did she do it? How do you think she would be feeling if you screwed another person behind her back when she was sick in bed? Clearly she must have known that this would seriously damage your relationship so why did she do it? What did she expect your reaction to be? Something just does not smell right to me.

[Stung]

I would be very concerned about continuing a relationship with this girl. She's demonstrably both unfaithful and insensitive. I find it pretty amazing that she not only cheated on you, but she actually thought it was okay to rub your face in it that way. I wonder seriously about her maturity and emotional depth...I don't think things could possibly have really been that "perfect" when she was obviously deeply flawed, character-wise. I'm not saying she's irrecoverable and I'm glad she finally started to see your side of things, but she has a lot more work to do to even begin to repair this relationship and prove herself, IMO.

[stace79]

Fact is, if she'd cheated with someone who was a "nobody" you would not accept her still stalking the blog, watching the videos, etc.

 

She isn't a fan of this person. She's obsessed -- and maybe in love with.

 

She cheated. It's HER job to do everything to make YOU feel better. You didn't do anything wrong, so why are you acting like YOU have to be the one to make things work?

 

She sounds like trash to me, honestly. Sorry. I think you deserve someone who wouldn't cheat on you, and certainly someone who is every bit as infatuated with YOU (her bf) as she is with some musician who just uses her for sex once in awhile.

[Jilly Bean]

Really? It was perfect before she cheated?

 

No. It was imperfect, as she was still carrying on with this woman behind your back, and you never knew about it.

[xpaperxcutx]

She's not a " fan", she's a groupie. Like those 70's 80's groupies that follows bands everywhere and have sex with everyone. Eww.

 

Anyways, you guys don't sound like you two go well together. She did you a favor by showing you the type of girl she is. It doesn't matter she slept with a girl, cheating is cheating no matter the sexual orientation.

[Dexter Morgan]

Anyways, you guys don't sound like you two go well together. She did you a favor by showing you the type of girl she is.

 

I agree, you now know the kind of unscrupulous person she is. Run as fast as you can away from her.

 

 

It doesn't matter she slept with a girl, cheating is cheating no matter the sexual orientation.

 

if anything, knowing she is bi-sexual just doubled the number of potential cheating partners she has to choose from.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Do you guys read these forums often? It must be very frustrating for you to see people in these troubled relationships who refuse to listen to reason.

 

Actually... I'm glad she made a compromise for you. Maybe there is something worth salvaging.

 

Just keep an eye open and be very clear that trust needs to be rebuilt. You should make some demands of her, just make sure they are reasonable.

[lkjh]

dude she cheated on you and you have to negotiate her cutting back on the musician. Dude seriously think about why in the hell you would want to stay with this nutcase