selfsaboteur Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Sigh. I feel like a mess right now. I am a woman in my mid-twenties. I have a pretty normal dating history. I had a very difficult adolescence and overcoming everything that happened has been a struggle, but something I have actively worked on the past six years. My father was/is a very cold, absent, and selfish man who cheated (and lies to everyone about everything you could imagine) on my mother for quite a long time. My mother, during the end of the marriage and post divorce, exhibited extreme borderline personality characteristics. There was never a positive relationship model, or any coping skills taught. I was pretty much left alone to raise myself, and had to deal with plenty of physical and emotional abuse. It was, without exaggeration, living hell for many years. When I went to college, I met a boy that was my age and we dated for two years. It ended when I found out he had been cheating on me quite frequently. I was shattered. I had been pretty naive and innocent about relationships before that... I truly believed in love, trusted him without any question, and thought he had 'saved' me from my past. I fell into a very deep depression and actually had to withdraw from a semester of school. It was bad. Slowly but surely, I picked myself up... I have had a string of one year long relationships since then. None were really bad, but none were great, and looking back I was pretty much biding time with nice guys that turned out to be wrong for me. I put myself in intensive therapy, I stopped starving myself, I worked extremely hard in school, I became very focused on my future career, and I worked every day on myself. For the past year, I have been in a very healthy and happy mental state and have taken control of my life and stopped letting my past rule my actions. I have been working in my field and I was recently accepted into two top ten grad schools. I have been rational, I have had a very active social life with my wonderful friends, and things with my family have even improved. So... I think I'm good. I thought I had moved past all of the crap that I let myself be ruled by. Wrong. I met the most wonderful man seven months ago. He is six years older, and is divorced. He is probably one of the healthiest people I know (very mature, very emotionally stable, very 'together'). He has a three year old baby boy that I adore, he is successful in his life, and most importantly, he is everything I've ever wanted in a man. When we met, we were nearly inseparable after a minute. It is the most intense physical/emotional chemistry that I have ever felt... I didn't even know something like this was possible. It is both completely comfortable and natural but passionate and romantic. In short, he's my match. Things had been completely effortless, until about a month ago when... I snapped and became my worst nightmare... a crazy girlfriend. Our relationship was always very easy, and he is the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ask for. He is completely supportive, patient, loving, affectionate, kind, brilliant, loyal, and absolutely hilarious. We spend hours upon hours just talking, we have a ridiculous amount in common, we want the same things in life, and our sex life is incredible (at least twice a day). My family and friends love him, his family and friends love me. Well, I don't know what happened. I got laid off from my job because of state funding, and I feel like I lost a huge part of my identity. I've been looking for jobs every day, sending in resumes and cover letters constantly, and it's gotten me NOWHERE. Since it's happened, I've gotten more and more and more insecure about myself. It started off as okay at first... he has been very supportive of me the entire time.. but as time has gone on, I've started to feel like an absolute loser. It is important to me to work every day, to do something productive, and (in my field) interact with kids and go home feeling like I've really helped someone. Beyond the fact that i have no income, I feel like a huge part of my independence was pulled out from me, and I just feel worthless and immature and eck... I started picking fights. The man is too good to me. He has been patient, but in the past week, he has gotten fed up. I am fed up with myself, and I'm embarrassed. It is completely and totally stemming from my insecurities. It started off as stupid stuff... a five minute bicker that was more like banter, we'd laugh, it'd be over. In the past two weeks, I've basically waged war, and I feel out of control. For instance, one of his friends is having a bachelor party in september. He found out that the one guy is actually hiring strippers to come to the house (err.. a strip club is one thing, but I feel like that's a total other thing). Basically, I didn't even let him get the sentence out when I had an over the top reaction. I basically said, if you are into that sort of thing, that's fine, but I want nothing to do with you. UHM WHAT? What kind of crazy overreaction was that?! He said "Baby, if you are uncomfortable with that, and frankly it's not something I'm interested in, it is completely and totally not worth going." So instead of saying wow, my bf is so great and so considerate of my feelings, I said "No! Now you have to go! I don't want to be the controlling girlfriend," and continued fighting. I know, you're starting to get frustrated with me as well. We moved on from that... We've had several fights since then, and once my emotions have subsided (and most of the time during), I am completely baffled about how irrational and emotional I am. There is a lot of stuff going on with his company right now.. it's being sold to a company on a different coast but will stay where we live. He is not very happy with the deal, and last week we were supposed to have a date night. One of his coworkers (and close friend) asked if he wanted to get a drink, which would have been good for him because the guy understands what is going on better than I do. He told me he didn't really want to go. After some commiseration, he decided to. I was really hurt because --whine-- it was date night (the drink would have been for an hour! I feel like such a child), and started another fight. This one was the worst. It went on for several hours, and I brought up breaking up again, and I said I was leaving, etc etc. All that really gory, horrible stuff that your significant other should never do. No, of course I was not violent, and no, I said nothing that attacked his character or anything like that, but basically I just had this flight instinct again. It's not fair to him. I admire this man, I respect this man, I want to be with this man for the conceivable future. And i'm acting like an ass. He went on a business trip this week and has called me several times a day. Tonight, he called to tell me that he was feeling much better about the company, and is feeling like he wants to go through with the deal (kind of a 180, but I guess he was impressed by them). Beyond that, he said he might have to move there for a month with the rest of the company to 'transition.' Previously, he told me he felt he'd be miserable to go through with this deal... he did not have much respect for the company, was not excited about the work he'd be doing, and he was against it. I was actually the one encouraging him to 'wait and see' and not be close minded, but now I'm feeling bewildered and worried. We were also discussing each others' nights last nights and he told me he watched porn -- I don't care about this in the slightest, and there is no doubt I watch more porn then he does. But I got quiet... I felt upset. I pushed the irrational reaction away immediately, but this scared the hell out of me. What is going on??? Look, I have never been much of a jealous person. I strongly believe in giving your partner as much space and freedom possible. I want someone to be with me who wants to be with me, and if someone does something because they want to it means much more then if they felt 'obligated' to do it. Getting past the cheating of my first serious boyfriend was difficult, but I dealt with what I needed to in therapy, and have never ever had a problem dating. If someone cheats, I know I will be able to move on, find someone more deserving and I will be okay. So what gives? There seem to be a few factors... the loss of my job and inability to get hired since has really taken a toll on me, and my self esteem has taken a massive hit because of it. I almost feel unworthy, and I don't feel myself. Second, this is the second man that I have ever felt it was serious, and the first man I believe I'm actually in love with as an adult. Our relationship was definitively healthy before this, and our communication was great. Have I gotten completely terrified of messing this up, and am thus messing this up? I've been pushing him away like crazy, and now I feel panicked. He has assured me that he is not going anywhere, that he understands, and he will do anything he can to help me. I am going to start seeing my therapist again, and I'm back at square one.... everything I learned, everything I felt about myself seems to be out the window. It seems like I'm expecting every man (secretly) to be my father deep down, and some of my mother's worst characteristics are coming out (she is a wonderful woman now, but it was brutal). I feel like I've already ruined things. I've hurt him. How can he trust me now to not freak out over nothing? How do we keep the communication open when he has been nothing but honest and willing, and I've been pushing him away? He calls me Angel, as a pet name... because I was always so supportive of him, and he felt like I really changed his life. Now i'm giving him hell. We've had some miserable, knock down drag outs over the stupidest things that I have started. It's drained the hell out of both of us the past few weeks, and my worst fear is that I have all but killed what we had.. how can he even be excited to talk to me/see me when I've been acting like such an unpredictable loose cannon? So I guess what I'm looking for is some insight. Any man or woman ever start sabotaging a relationship and act completely out of character? How did you fix it? I want to fix this more than anything, this relationship is very, very important to me. Beyond therapy, I want to hear if anyone has had actual experience with this. Any man or woman deal with a significant other like me? How did you deal? Did they fix it? Could you trust them? I don't feel like myself at all lately, and I feel horrible about everything... I just want to stop. Help. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry it was so long Feel free to be tough.
Pink Cupcakes Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I don't think he is such a great guy if he actually told you he watched porn the night before. Not the fact that he watched porn, but felt it was something he had to tell you over the phone when you are apart. Why couldn't he just say "watched TV" or "watched a movie." This man is not the saint you think he is - he is saying things to get you on the defense and pry at your insecurities. He's an ass and I would dump him.
Author selfsaboteur Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I don't think he is such a great guy if he actually told you he watched porn the night before. Not the fact that he watched porn, but felt it was something he had to tell you over the phone when you are apart. Why couldn't he just say "watched TV" or "watched a movie." This man is not the saint you think he is - he is saying things to get you on the defense and pry at your insecurities. He's an ass and I would dump him. It's normally not something that would bother me, though, which he knows. And I think it would be unfair to expect him to walk on eggshells just because I'm off my rocker at the moment. He is very considerate of my feelings and has been really patient with me. I understand why you got that impression though, it's hard to paint an accurate picture of someone through text.
MisUnderstanding Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Show him what you wrote. I think HE can help you become what you were. Based on everything you wrote he can understand you very well. You've already made a first step of admitting you have a problem. You probably cannot afford a therapist without a job, but if you can, see one.
lordWilhelm Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I don't think he is such a great guy if he actually told you he watched porn the night before. Not the fact that he watched porn, but felt it was something he had to tell you over the phone when you are apart. Why couldn't he just say "watched TV" or "watched a movie." This man is not the saint you think he is - he is saying things to get you on the defense and pry at your insecurities. He's an ass and I would dump him. I think he's giving you a signal that he's reaching the end of the rope... Look, you've got the interpretation down right in what you wrote. But I think he probably wants more than words from you at this point -- he's probably looking for clear evidence that you're the balanced, normal person he went into a relationship with. You have to ACT and show you're back to yourself
lab_brat Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I recently found myself acting like a total crazy girlfriend, and although the situation was different (turns out my bf was kinda a douche), i know how unsettling it can be to be suddenly acting in ways you find completely illogical and embarrassing and beneath you. I don't think you're back at square one. I think you're panicking, which is different. You've built up this life, you've worked hard to be the person you are, and losing your job must've been a real knock to your self-esteem, self-worth and self-identity, and you're freaking out and trying to push your bf away because you suddenly feel less worthy, its normal and understandable. And you're worried that it's gonna all suddenyl collapse, like everything you've worked so hard for is now gonna fall to pieces, like a playing card tower. So you're freaking out and trying to push him away because you think it'll hurt less. Its natural to feel like this, but good that you can also recognize that you're being irrational, coz you are. If you've met a good man, and put in the time, he'll stick around for a few bumps in the road, and it seems like he is. I'm sure that back awhile ago, before it was all so effortless, back when you first started dating again, it took some effort, some time and thought as to how to act, how to treat people, how to be "you" in a relationship. Right now, you need to do that again, for a little while. You need to work out what you want (your bf), and how to be that person that is confident. happy and secure in a relationship with that boy.For a little while you need to on guard with yourself, to be conscious of the way you act around him, to realise that he isn't going to run away if you screw up, but you need to make the best effort you can to be the person you want to be in this relationship. I'd tell him, tell him you know you've been a little crazy lately, and that you adore him for putting up with you, and that you'll make an effort to value him like he deserves, because really, doing that is looking after both of you. Because you deserve a kind, loving decent guy like this, one that won't walk out when you have a crazy moment, just like he deserves his beautiful un-crazy girlfriend back. I'd start by making the effort to have a perfect night. When he gets back, plan a wonderful, amazing night, treat it like its a first date, be your best and show him how much he means to you - then just go from there. xoxoxo
jamesum Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I don't think he is such a great guy if he actually told you he watched porn the night before. Not the fact that he watched porn, but felt it was something he had to tell you over the phone when you are apart. Why couldn't he just say "watched TV" or "watched a movie." This man is not the saint you think he is - he is saying things to get you on the defense and pry at your insecurities. He's an ass and I would dump him. She is the one who is being crazy. Maybe he should dump her instead.
Recommended Posts