Recovering and Finding Hope?

[Spectral]

Hi,

 

This is the first time I've posted on LoveShack. I wanted to talk about things I've been too ashamed to talk about, ever, because I wish these things were different.

 

When I was 19 years old I lost my virginity in a bathroom stall in a nightclub.

It was probably the worst experience of my life (and I've had plenty of challenges to face over the course of my life).

 

The reason why it was so terrible was because I felt like the only way a man would ever (or had ever) pay/paid attention to me, was if (and when) I got on my knees in a dirty bathroom stall and gave him oral sex.

 

That was also the night of my first kiss.

 

I never knew who the man was, but the few minutes I spent with him in that bathroom constituted the first sexual encounters I ever had.

 

I never had a boyfriend before. I haven't had a boyfriend since- I'm now 25 (it's been 6 years).

 

I'm a loving, accomplished, well-educated person (in fact, I am an educator). But I've never had a real relationship. I've never been on a date. I've never known of a man who liked and valued me.

 

But I still have a sex drive.

 

Every few months I go on sex binges. I can't take being alone and celibate for so long, so I'll have anonymous sex with men I meet online.

 

I never wanted this.

 

I know better is out there, but a man who actually cares for me has never come along.

 

I hate risking my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health by having anonymous, casual sex.

 

But it feels like that's all there is in store for me.

 

It's so hard to wait when I feel like I might be waiting forever.

 

I just turned 25, and I told myself that everything is ok- if I'm still alone at 30, I can just kill myself.

 

I don't want to think this way!

 

But sometimes life is unbearably lonely (despite having family, and close long-term friends).

 

Does anybody else know how this feels?

Does anybody else have advice on how to cope, on how to love myself more?