Raderick Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 So in the last few weeks I've been hanging out with this girl. I like her alot and today I asked her on a date (with success). However later in the day, she was making mention of another guy she has been dating for a little while (I know him through a mutual friend) WHILE she was on the date through text messaging. As a bit of a rule for myself, I will only date one person at a time before it comes to making a exclusive commitment, and I will only date women who does the same (one, because of the factor of STD's if/when we have sex, two it makes me her sole focus rather than having to compete with others). 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? 3. Am I crazy? Thanks.
carhill Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? I do. Only one at a time. 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? If you're a man, you can seek this but you will likely be disappointed and/or alone for a long time. I have yet to meet a single woman who dates one man at a time. Some of the married ones don't either. 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? Not too much to ask. Nice boundary. Expect an exit. Wanting to date exclusively and liking marriage are two of the easiest ways of getting rid of women in my age group IME....oh, except for being 'separated'. That's a virtual lock. 3. Am I crazy? Not in my opinion; it's just that it will somewhat limit your potentials amongst the dating pool you're qualified in. The more universally attractive you are, the less of an issue this will be. Good luck!
Green Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? 3. Am I crazy? 1) Well you kinda ansered this one yourself in your story. I think its only natural you got upset. I would recomend dating more then one person before things get seriouse (sex/heavy kissing ect.) But once its seriouse then you have a talk about being exclusive. 2) I think that you should kiss her, then let her know that you want it to be just the two of you dating and no one else. 2) you are probably crazy but don't worry about it.
sagetalk Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 You're not crazy, you're smart. Although dating multiple women at the same time can lead to jealously in one of the girls and make her want you more. But those kind of relationships are weak and not worth it anyway. Don't let her put you in a love triangle. As soon as any girl puts you in a love triangle, act as though she just told you to drop dead. You'll be much happier in the long run.
carhill Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Don't let her put you in a love triangle. As soon as any girl puts you in a love triangle, act as though she just told you to drop dead. Yes, IMO this is healthiest. Caution: OP *may* have to re-train his psyche to walk away from these dynamics in a positive way, understanding that such women aren't healthy for *him*. Generally, such women are unconcerned; his slot is filled with another orbiter and life goes on. Best to suss these out early before any investment of money or emotion takes place.
Author Raderick Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 1) Well you kinda ansered this one yourself in your story. I think its only natural you got upset. I would recomend dating more then one person before things get seriouse (sex/heavy kissing ect.) But once its seriouse then you have a talk about being exclusive. 2) I think that you should kiss her, then let her know that you want it to be just the two of you dating and no one else. 2) you are probably crazy but don't worry about it. 1. Well I didn't get necessary upset. This happened to me before and I decided to stop it after two dates, with this in part being the reason (the other because we didn't mesh too well) 2. Well, they have been dating for a couple weeks already, and it would simply be our first. A little too much to ask maybe? 3.
Gattica Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? I only date one person at a time. I let that be known straight away and am only willing to date someone who does the same. Although, I have been lied to MANY times about this and found out I was one of many women the guy was dating. 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? I don't think it is. There don't seem to be many men or women that date only one person at a time, at least in my experience. It does limit you, but I think it is worth it to find people that are on the same wave length. 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? I don't think it is too much to ask, but there are few people that seem interested or willing to do so. 3. Am I crazy? No, just rare! I wish there were more men like you so I could find more dates!
Sanman Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I do date more than one person pre-commitment, but it is largely because that is the way of the world. I don't really know how you would tell if the person really is only seeing you. I found when dating only one person who is seeing others, I tend to develop feelings earlier and the pace of things between us tends to differ. However, I don't believe in closing doors pre-commitment as ou never know who you are missing out on. I do prefer to only see one person if we are having sex though.
Pink Cupcakes Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 This girl was very inappropriate and rude for bringing up that she was dating another guy. after about 5 dates, you are within your rights to broach the topic of exclusivity but before that it's not really fair to ask someone.
spookie Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? I don't see anything wrong with dating multiple people in the initial getting-to-know you phase (for me, that is until around the 2nd- - 3rd date, but I can see how some people can take this slower) but I personally have never done it. I just don't run into enough men I am interested in to be multi-dating. 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? It's your right, but you may be limiting yourself. 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? I don't think so. 3. Am I crazy? No but probably a little insecure.
Pink Cupcakes Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 When you ask are you within your rights to ask them to be exclusive with you before commitment...that is confusing because asking someone to date only you is asking for a commitment...the commitment of dating only you.
Sivok Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1) I'm the same. It's moreso an issue of time committment and the expenses of dating more than anything else. 2) If she does, doesn't really bother me but I won't have sex with a girl unless we're exclusive 3) Nope, not crazy. Don't invest yourself fully emotionally either at first though.
that girl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1. I'd generally rather see one person at a time. 2. It isn't too much to look for, but lots of people will have multiple first and second dates going on at once. 2a. Hmm.... it depends on how long it takes for you to get to that commitment stage and what that means to you. If you mean sex, definitely.
hopesndreams Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 One man, One woman. Even if it's just dating. How else can you get to know someone? Who has the energy/time to date many at once? I find it crazy and would never do it and would fully expect who I am dating to feel the same. Always searching for something better. Surefire way to end up with no one to share your life with. If that's what you are really seeking. Better to date just one person and find out sooner, rather than later, that they aren't worth your time. Or, the opposite of that.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 So in the last few weeks I've been hanging out with this girl. I like her alot and today I asked her on a date (with success). However later in the day, she was making mention of another guy she has been dating for a little while (I know him through a mutual friend) WHILE she was on the date through text messaging. Okay, well that's just tacky on a couple different levels. Unless it's a pressing work matter or a serious emergency/situation the guy has let me know about beforehand, I won't date guys who text on dates. So, I find the fact that she was dating another guy WAY less offensive than 1. She was texting on a date with another guy she was dating (or anyone). 2. She didn't keep that stuff to herself. As a bit of a rule for myself, I will only date one person at a time before it comes to making a exclusive commitment, and I will only date women who does the same (one, because of the factor of STD's if/when we have sex, two it makes me her sole focus rather than having to compete with others). I think this depends when you make the exclusive commitment. Personally, I don't have sex outside of commitment, and never will, which is what makes me comfortable dating around a bit. STDs aren't an issue at that point in my process. (It does weird me out if I find out a guy is sleeping with someone else while dating me. Dating? Not so much.) 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? I don't and most folks I know don't. (This is part of why I won't sleep with anyone till it's exclusive.) Now let me elaborate: Sometimes it's happened, that I've been focusing on someone and haven't met anyone else I fancied enough to date, and certainly, as I get to like a guy more, if the interest seems shared and mutual, other options fall away. There's only so much time in a week. 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? I think everyone has their own rules. But I'd never commit to be exclusive to someone until we were ready to decide to make a real commitment to each other. What's the point? I'd feel like I was giving away my freedom for nothing. Once I commit, I commit. I'm in it. I'm exclusive, I'm interested in building the relationship, and I'm a great girlfriend. When I'm single, I'm single, and nobody else can tell me how to spend my time. You don't get strings without strings, and, for me, dating around -- since I'm not sexually involved -- isn't the issue. That's like someone offering me a second-round job interview, but only if I refuse to stop sending my resume out anywhere else or even going on interviews I've already booked with other companies. Just silly. 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? Depends on the person you're asking, but I don't understand how it's pre-commitment if you're exclusive. That's a major commitment itself. 3. Am I crazy? No. Your feelings are very valid. Are they more important to you than the girls you'd miss out on by imposing your rules? That's the real question. Everybody has a right to feel the way they want.
Allisha Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 (edited) So in the last few weeks I've been hanging out with this girl. I like her alot and today I asked her on a date (with success). However later in the day, she was making mention of another guy she has been dating for a little while (I know him through a mutual friend) WHILE she was on the date through text messaging. As a bit of a rule for myself, I will only date one person at a time before it comes to making a exclusive commitment, and I will only date women who does the same (one, because of the factor of STD's if/when we have sex, two it makes me her sole focus rather than having to compete with others). 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? 3. Am I crazy? Thanks. 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? I only date one guy at time. This is due to things that have happened to me in the past. 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? Um, I don't mind too much if a guy is dating others. 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? Yeah, I think so. 3. Am I crazy Not for only dating one girl at a time, but you are if you ask someone on the first date to only date you...then yes. Edited July 21, 2010 by Allisha
WalkInThePark Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think it all went wrong when the word dating was invented. I don't date. I tried online dating but I don't want to try out people and I don't want to be tried out myself. The way I see it: once in a while, very rarely I meet a guy I am interested in in a romantic way. This means that this is someone I can see myself with in a relationship. I only get this feeling when a significant number of qualities are present in the man AND when I think he is available (and in the recent past I have been wrong on the last aspect because some men don't give correct information about their situation). In that case I will give a clear an non-ambivalent message to the man = I will tell him with words what I feel for him. He can then either reciprocate my feelings or not. As long as I don't have the feeling that I can be in a relationship with someone, I have contact with men in a friendly way. This means we can do things together as friends (go to concerts, go for a drink, play tennis together, go for a walk). There will be no kissing other than a kiss on the cheek, no holding hands, no sex. And in that situation I can have more than one friend. But kissing and sex takes only place in a certain context which is a romantic relationship. I don't want to "try out" someone by kissing him and having sex and I don't want him to "try out" me. This automatically means that physical intimacy should be exclusive for me. I cannot understand how people can perform romantic gestures with more than one person at a time.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 The way I see it: once in a while, very rarely I meet a guy I am interested in in a romantic way. This means that this is someone I can see myself with in a relationship. I only get this feeling when a significant number of qualities are present This is not a rhetorical question. I actually want to know. How do you know these things without dating (or at the very least meeting for dates or get-to-know-yous of some kind, whatever you want to call it)? I have pretty decent intuition and a good enough track record with picking both men and friends, but there's only so much I can know when I meet someone. I'm curious if someone has a better way.
Star Gazer Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 1. Do others solely date one person at a time? I multi-date up until sex is involved. I don't ask/don't volunteer (but will be honest if asked) that I'm multi-dating... I expect it is presumed that both of us are multi-dating until we have a conversation about committing to be exclusive with one another. But I also won't have sex until exclusivity is established. I understand the need/desire to protect yourself from STDs, but I don't think you should be having sex before exclusivity anyway, which negates that concern. Sounds like you ARE having sex without establishing a commitment first? 2. Is it too much to seek only people who will date one person at a time? 2a. is it too much to ask the person who I'm going to date to only date me pre-commitment? For me, yes, you're asking way too much. In asking/expecting someone to only date you from the very first date on, you're asking for instant commitment. What is there to "commit" to, if you're already committed from the get go? Dating should be about getting to know one another, figuring out what/who works for you and what/who doesn't. At the beginning, it's casual, then it grows over time and becomes more serious. There shouldn't be any need to focus on one person from the very beginning during that casual stage. 3. Am I crazy? No, but your expectations are far too high, and you'll likely miss out on a ton of fantastic women if you enforce this "rule." As I stated above, I multi-date. I was multi-dating when I met my ex. I think it was after the third or fourth date that I stopped seeing other people, on my own accord. Months into the relationship, I don't even remember what we were talking about, but he mentioned something about how he (like you) doesn't date people who are dating others, and then said something that suggested that he believed I hadn't been dating other people either when we first met/started dating. I had to clue him in - that I had gone out on a couple dates with other guys during that beginning stage. He was surprised, but at that point, he didn't care and laughed it off. Granted, we're not together anymore, but our breakup had nothing to do with the multi-dating issue, and we did have a relationship of 18 months (that was pretty good until the end). If he had enforced his rule he would have missed out on a relationship that almost led to happily ever after. However later in the day, she was making mention of another guy she has been dating for a little while (I know him through a mutual friend) WHILE she was on the date through text messaging. This was just grossly inappropriate, regardless of whether she multi-dates or not. The texting was rude, and it she didn't need to volunteer that she is multi-dating. It really should have been presumed.
flying Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I am not fond of multi-dating, but not at all for moral reasons; it's entirely personal. I just don't tend to really enjoy it. I'm currently in a committed relationship, but in the past, my style of dating was that when I found someone I genuinely was interested in, I tended to just want to focus on getting to know him and seeing if there's a connection there. I think it's related to the fact that I am basically introverted and find multi-dating exhausting on some level. One at a time is easier for me to handle and much more enjoyable emotionally.
WalkInThePark Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 This is not a rhetorical question. I actually want to know. How do you know these things without dating (or at the very least meeting for dates or get-to-know-yous of some kind, whatever you want to call it)? I have pretty decent intuition and a good enough track record with picking both men and friends, but there's only so much I can know when I meet someone. I'm curious if someone has a better way. I get to know people by spending time with them and talking with them. How do you do it? Do you have sex with a guy to see how he feels and tastes so that you can dump him if you don't like it? How would you feel if a guy treats you like that? I only want to get physically intimate if I feel emotionally connected to a guy, only then do I feel like it. I think one can get a lot of information about someone by spending time with him/her, you just have to spend enough time and not rush into things. You know a lot more about a person after knowing him/her for 12 months than after having been on 3 dates...
WalkInThePark Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think it's related to the fact that I am basically introverted and find multi-dating exhausting on some level. One at a time is easier for me to handle and much more enjoyable emotionally. Same here. I have tried multi-dating but it made me feel schizofrenic. And I was just meeting these guys as friends.
electricity Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 This is not a rhetorical question. I actually want to know. How do you know these things without dating (or at the very least meeting for dates or get-to-know-yous of some kind, whatever you want to call it)? I have pretty decent intuition and a good enough track record with picking both men and friends, but there's only so much I can know when I meet someone. I'm curious if someone has a better way. I don't get the concept of dating someone you barely know. I meet people through friends, activities, or alumni events. In either situation, I'll repeatedly run into the same people, and have longer conversations each time. Eventually they get added to Facebook, then my IM protocol of choice, and we'll start talking more. At some point we either become friends or decide there's enough interest to go on a date. Granted, my way of doing things doesn't lead to a whole lot of first dates, but I have a pretty good LTR yield, and a fair number of purely platonic male friends (again, I don't understand why friends of the opposite genders seems such a foreign concept to people. It works quite well for my friend circle, though the fact that most of us are in LTRs might contribute).
Author Raderick Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 This was just grossly inappropriate, regardless of whether she multi-dates or not. The texting was rude, and it she didn't need to volunteer that she is multi-dating. It really should have been presumed. This made a turn into the odd zone. Yesterday I guess they got REALLY high (lapse of judgment) and today, she had the nerve of telling the guy that I like her. THEN he contacts me about how women are heart-breakers and would be here for me. It seems like he wanted to brag that he's dating her and not me. Yeah, I feel ****ing weird now.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I get to know people by spending time with them and talking with them. How do you do it? Do you have sex with a guy to see how he feels and tastes so that you can dump him if you don't like it? How would you feel if a guy treats you like that? I only want to get physically intimate if I feel emotionally connected to a guy, only then do I feel like it. I think one can get a lot of information about someone by spending time with him/her, you just have to spend enough time and not rush into things. You know a lot more about a person after knowing him/her for 12 months than after having been on 3 dates... I don't have sex while dating. I have sex after commitment. I get to know people by spending time and talking with them too --- that's what I call dating! I don't really want to wait a year each time I go out with someone, but I do genuinely get to know everyone before I have sex or get into a committed relationship with them. I don't get the concept of dating someone you barely know. I meet people through friends, activities, or alumni events. In either situation, I'll repeatedly run into the same people, and have longer conversations each time. Eventually they get added to Facebook, then my IM protocol of choice, and we'll start talking more. At some point we either become friends or decide there's enough interest to go on a date. Granted, my way of doing things doesn't lead to a whole lot of first dates, but I have a pretty good LTR yield, and a fair number of purely platonic male friends (again, I don't understand why friends of the opposite genders seems such a foreign concept to people. It works quite well for my friend circle, though the fact that most of us are in LTRs might contribute). I meet people the same way, but I definitely date some of them fairly quickly. If we've never had sex, they can easily become friends later (many have). I've dated friends later. I always keep dating friendly in the beginning. I think maybe your means of communication prompt you to do things differently than me. I have Facebook, but it's just to keep in touch with people who live far away. I don't IM except for work or as life actually requires. I don't really text except to arrange things. I give all my communication 100% of my attention or as close to it as I can, which means I prefer to spend time with people in person, or at the very least through phone/skype, or sometimes lengthy emails (like letters), if I'm away.
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