Elizabeth.k Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I have known my husband for over 4 years, and been married for one. Over the last 4 or 5 months things have seemed to go downhill bit by tiny bit. He is loving from time to time, and tells me he loves me every now and then, cuddles me at night, we make love at least once a day if not more. He makes dinner most nights, but lately I have taken over. We talk about our future, and eventually having kids, holidays, and other things. We usually get along. But over the last few months I have started to become depressed, I am good at hiding it, but I feel as if I may have made a mistake in marrying him. That I could have done better. Even though we were very much in love at one stage. There are all too often times like these... He tells me I'm retarded when I say "stupid" things, treats me like a child when he thinks I "deserve it". as he says, "I'm only treating you like you deserve to be treated". The lack of respect I feel is only a part of the problem. I am slightly clumsy and sometimes break things on accident. He always jumps on me and tells me what an idiot I am in these situations. Just yesterday I tripped over a cable that was sticking out of the front of his pc, and he forbade me from touching "his" things. There is not a lot of communication, over the years he has opened up to me more. But he still keeps most of his feelings to himself, doesn't like to talk about his day, or work. We don't have deep or even meaningful conversations often enough. He constantly jokes about going to Hookers, and sleeping with other women. I truly don't believe he would do something like this because I think that he loves me. He sometimes talks about other women while we make love, and I think is addicted to porn which I really don't like. His attitude is so grumpy and miserable, he takes his moods out on me, and yet I am always the "good" wife, bringing him snacks, drinks, and generally just take good care of him and spoil him. I get this treatment back very rarely if at all. I try to talk to him about these things and I guess nag him a bit, he always says I'm annoying and calls me a bitch every now and then. I am afraid that if I even bring up any of this to him about wanting counselling he will get upset. I can't talk to anyone about these things, because he would get upset at me for telling anyone about our personal lives. I feel like if we split it off he will be emotionally unstable and may do things I could regret. I just don't know what to do. I am just tired of feeling dis-respected, crappy, and trod on. I don't know what to do anymore. SO I implore you loveshack members. Help me with any advice you have?
choosinghappiness Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 What your H is doing to you is called verbal abuse - you need to get help as soon as possible. If he doesn't want to go to counseling go by yourself - He needs help and until he gets it things are going to change. I wish you luck!
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I'm sorry you're going through this. It's unpleasant to think about, but I fear that his anger and disrespect towards you will only escalate as time goes by. Has he been physically abusive with you at all? Does he ever kick or punch inanimate objects like the wall or slam doors? I'm concerned that if his anger goes unchecked, it could escalate to physical abuse. If I'm misreading this and there's no danger of physical abuse, then an honest conversation with him about your feelings and what you've told us is a good place to start. Tell him how is actions affect you and how you expect to be treated. Don't make respectful behavior optional - it's mandatory. If he doesn't respect that truth, then you should pursue a separation IMO. Also, if he treats you this way its likely he will also treat your future children poorly. Children are great, but they require alot of patience and restraint from parents sometimes. Sometimes they make you want to scream, but good parents find a way to not lose their cool. Don't settle for less in life than you deserve. Abusive relationships should not be tolerated. It sounds like you are afraid of him, and that's not healthy. If you have a job, see if there's a counseling service available that you could go to during the day. Counselors have dealt with these issues before and will be able to identify when this rocky situation is beyond the point of a safe relationship for you.
fooled once Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I have known my husband for over 4 years, and been married for one. Over the last 4 or 5 months things have seemed to go downhill bit by tiny bit. He is loving from time to time, and tells me he loves me every now and then, cuddles me at night, we make love at least once a day if not more. He makes dinner most nights, but lately I have taken over. We talk about our future, and eventually having kids, holidays, and other things. We usually get along. But over the last few months I have started to become depressed, I am good at hiding it, but I feel as if I may have made a mistake in marrying him. That I could have done better. Even though we were very much in love at one stage. There are all too often times like these... He tells me I'm retarded when I say "stupid" things, treats me like a child when he thinks I "deserve it". as he says, "I'm only treating you like you deserve to be treated". The lack of respect I feel is only a part of the problem. I am slightly clumsy and sometimes break things on accident. He always jumps on me and tells me what an idiot I am in these situations. Just yesterday I tripped over a cable that was sticking out of the front of his pc, and he forbade me from touching "his" things. There is not a lot of communication, over the years he has opened up to me more. But he still keeps most of his feelings to himself, doesn't like to talk about his day, or work. We don't have deep or even meaningful conversations often enough. He constantly jokes about going to Hookers, and sleeping with other women. I truly don't believe he would do something like this because I think that he loves me. He sometimes talks about other women while we make love, and I think is addicted to porn which I really don't like. His attitude is so grumpy and miserable, he takes his moods out on me, and yet I am always the "good" wife, bringing him snacks, drinks, and generally just take good care of him and spoil him. I get this treatment back very rarely if at all. I try to talk to him about these things and I guess nag him a bit, he always says I'm annoying and calls me a bitch every now and then. I am afraid that if I even bring up any of this to him about wanting counselling he will get upset. I can't talk to anyone about these things, because he would get upset at me for telling anyone about our personal lives. I feel like if we split it off he will be emotionally unstable and may do things I could regret. I just don't know what to do. I am just tired of feeling dis-respected, crappy, and trod on. I don't know what to do anymore. SO I implore you loveshack members. Help me with any advice you have? I would let him know that you are ARE going to make a MC appointment because you want to really sit down and discuss many things with him and you need a counselor to help you both work through the issues.
Author Elizabeth.k Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 firstly thank you all for your responses. It means a lot to me to get input from others. I feel I have been going it alone for too long. I have read many a site now for verbal abuse and I find myself answering yes to many of the warning signs, far too many than I like. He does not physically abuse me, or throw/slam things. He just yells, and gets even more angry when i ask him to calm down. I will try to talk to him about marriage counseling, but I think he will fall back on that saying we cannot afford the service. It's just so hard to be forced to reconsider the choices we have made regarding our husbands, wives, or significant others. I do deserve to get back what I put into the relationship, care, love, and respect. In the end feeling lonely, and isolated is not worth it.
Lovelybird Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 First of all you shouldn't isolate yourself, get as many support as you can. If you do, then you will feel stronger to confront him. You need not to tolerate and being a "good" wife anymore, won't work this way, you need to "bitchy" up a little.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 (hope I can get this metaphor right) It sounds as if you're on a teeter-totter, and it will be much easier to step off and go to a counselor NOW, while you're each only a foot/year from the center of the teeter-totter than it will be once you've each made yourselves more vulnerable AND further apart from each other with another couple of feet back toward opposite ends of said teeter-totter. I know it is bold, and an adult move difficult to resign yourself to making so amazingly EARLY in the marriage. Just let it seem like you've been "together" for 5 years (not hard, of course) and allow counseling to be ok considering that amount of time. Make the move now.
StarChick Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Hi, Elizabeth! I'm glad you're reaching out in your situation. This can be the first step of something good to come your way! I agree with the other posters about this being verbal and emotional abuse. Please don't let him isolate you from friends/family/etc. It's a huge warning sign of abusers who do this. He may "just" yell right now, but it hurts you and it isn't right to make you feel so miserable when you should still be in the "honeymoon phase" of your marriage. And calling you a bitch? Who does he think he is, King $h!T? I echo the others in getting further, professional help. The more that his behavior towards you is known to those who can help, the better off you are. If he refuses to change, then...well, you'll cross that bridge you come to it, right? And for Pete's sake, stop spoiling the man. In a way, you are teaching him that he can be so mean to you and get away with it. Have HIM bring YOU snacks! Once you flex your muscles a bit, maybe he'll come around. If he doesn't, then at least you're just a few years in instead of 20 or 25. (Doesn't make it any easier, I know.) Anyway, again, I'm glad you're reaching out, asking questions and getting help. Far too many people in your situation suffer in silence for years and years, never finding their power. Good job on that, lady. I look forward to hearing updates on your situation. Good luck.
boomboom63 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I feel like if we split it off he will be emotionally unstable and may do things I could regret. I just don't know what to do. I am just tired of feeling dis-respected, crappy, and trod on. I don't know what to do anymore. Elizabeth - the quote above stands out for me - in the first year of a marriage these are not "normal" feelings - feeling dis-respected, crappy, and trod on -and you say that he will be emotionally unstable and may do things that "YOU" regret - this seems like an unspoken threat to me This is NOT OK Please protect yourself from this abusive man. Hugs to you
luvstarved Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think it is very relevant that this is fairly recent behavior. Please clarify if that is not the case. In my experience, it does not take that long (4+ years) for a person to reveal their "true nature". So, I am not convinced that this is just how he has always been, although it might well be the way he will be henceforth in his relationship with you. I think that either something has come up - an opportunity with another woman, real or imagined - or that he has become sexually bored and resentful of you over time for the fact that he cannot pursue his desires. He lashes out at you not only from resentment but from an undercurrent of guilt, that's my guess. When he talks about hookers, etc, he is not really "joking". I don't think he is dumb enough to believe that any wife would find this to be lighthearted and enjoyable amusement. But the bottom line is that he is being disrespectful and verbally/emotionally abusive to you. He might or might not love you but his actions are not loving and not "OK". I am honestly in a similar situation and clawing my way through it. I have not found a way to turn things around or change his behavior long term. But I have found some things that do work at least in short-term, to be treated fairly for at least a while (until he gets complacent again) and/or to get him to shut up. - it does not work to tell an angry person to calm down. Better to refuse to engage in a conversation until "we can both talk calmly and rationally", even leaving the house for a while if he persists. Simply, "I am not going to engage in an emotionally fuelled 'discussion'"... - when he insults, name-calling, etc, then "if you are right about me, then you deserve better. If you are wrong about me, then I deserve better" so "if that's how you really see me, we need to part". - going on about hookers, other women: "of course, you have every right to sleep with other women and go to hookers. The only catch is that you will have to give me up to do it. You have a right to pursue what you want in life, and so do I. You want to sleep with other women. I want to be married to a man who does not want to sleep with other women. What do you suggest we do with that, because...I really don't want to be wasting my time, or yours" Basically, what works for me is to not abuse back, nor act hurt and tearful (my H just seems to respect me less when I go there) but to shore up my self-esteem and convey that he has no reason to "resent" or blame for what he doesn't have, that he has a choice, and that I am not going to take his s**t. Sadly, when we get past an episode and things settle down, and all seems nice and respectful again, he gradually builds back up to it and the reason of course, is that he wants it BOTH ways. Doesn't WANT to have to choose. But that is his problem, and most likely your H's too. You should not own that. Easier said than done, I have good days and bad. Without counseling, I don't think there is much hope for turning things around, and with it, no real guarantees. Think it is a good sign if true that this is recent behavior in terms of long term success, but a bad sign in short term reality in that I think he does have something specific in mind that he wants and can't have... But, if he can imagine scratching up cash for hookers, he should be able to imagine scratching up cash for counseling...hopefully this will help you. I do relate to what you are going through, and wish you the best.
WalkInThePark Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 (edited) Read the books by Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans. Your husband is abusive, clear and simple. This is going to go on and going to get worse. You will recognize him in the books I just recommended. Leave him. He is a psychopath. Therefore MC will not solve your problem. In MC he will try to convince you and the councellor that it is your fault. You will then even try harder but it won't change a thing. Why does he abuse you? Because he can! Remove yourself from the situation, there is nothing you can do about it. He is an anger addict who refuses to take responsibility for his own life. Edited July 21, 2010 by WalkInThePark
WalkInThePark Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I can't talk to anyone about these things, because he would get upset at me for telling anyone about our personal lives. He does not want you to talk with others because others would tell you that his behaviour is out of line and defend you against him. He wants you to remain a prisoner in the prison he is creating for you.
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