should i break no contact to apologize for getting upset about new girlfriend ?

[Wrenne]

hi all:

 

i had a great relationship for 1.5 years, but i was moving out of the state (for a job-- this had been the plan since before we started dating) and we were having some issues regarding compatibility and what we saw for our future, so i ended it. it was very difficult because i still had feelings for him and liked him otherwise (he is funny, a good friend, etc.). we just weren't as close as i wanted us to be after that long of a relationship.

 

my ex said that he wanted to remain friends, but i told him i still had feelings for him and wasn't sure if i could do that, but i ended up keeping in contact/trying to be friends anyway. he has maintained very close contact with most of his long-term exs. he still will say he "loves" one of them (which we had a very big fight about), and his exs will contact him when they need to talk about something important (e.g. a breakup, family problems). he will hang out with the ones that live nearby sometimes and still calls/emails the ones that live out of the state.

 

after the breakup, we would see each other socially, and after i moved we would text, email, pretty frequently. it has been 3 months since the "breakup" and 2 months since i moved.

 

about 2 weeks ago i found out he was seeing someone else, and i got very upset and demanded nc after that. he didn't mention the new girl to me when we would talk, i was the one that "found out" and asked him about it. we haven't spoken since. afterwards he sent me an email saying he was sorry i was upset and that if i ever could be his friend he will be there for me. about a week after that a mutual friend put pictures of him and his new girlfriend on facebook, so i defriended him and all of his friends so i wouldn't have to see those pictures. a few days later i deactivated my facebook account altogether. i was so upset that i developed an illness-- couldn't sleep or keep food down for about a week. i am better now.

 

i still think about him a lot (every day) and am wondering if i should break nc to apologize for getting so upset and demanding no contact. i would like be be mature and for things to be "cool" between us. i don't like burning a bridge with someone i had a great relationship with. i was the one who broke up with him and i feel like i have handled the situation very immaturely. i don't see us getting back together (we live in different states and are really not compatible), although i still have feelings for him.

 

should i break nc for any of the following reasons:

 

- to apologize for getting so upset and to let him know i want things to be cool?

- i will be traveling across the globe by myself in 2 weeks- to ask how he's doing and to tell him about my trip?

- i will be in his home town in about a month- to let him know that i will be there if he wants to hang out (i am hesitant to do this because i think it would upset me and i don't want to make his new gf uncomfortable, although he would see his ex's when we were together)?

 

... or is nc really the best way to go and i should just let it go? this is my first really difficult break-up and the first time i've struggled with nc.

 

advice appreciated!

[Circular]

This is how I interpret this:

 

You broke up with him because you had doubts about the relationship. He said "let's be friends", you said "no", then you did limited contact and strung him along under the pretense of "friend", yet you had deeper feelings.

 

Now, he's found someone else and you are upset? Are you upset because he moved on so quickly? That's what it sounds like, like your ego was bruised by his quick recovery and bounce back. You dumped him and you are upset? I actually feel happy for him that he was able to jump back in e game so quickly, some people get knocked down for a bit after longer term relationships.

 

I guess my question is what do you hope to gain by apologizing? Do you really want to apologize? It sounds like you're making up a reason to apologize to alleviate your guilt for breaking up with him and the ego-slap you received from him moving on so quickly. Just a little reminder to sting his memory a bit?

 

I think it's best you stay NC for about 6 months, still too much emotion charged here.

 

Also, if I sound harsh I'm just trying to wake you to the dynamic you're creating that gets posted on these boards continuously, the standard "she dumped me, went NC, and 2 months later she sends me this email WTF!?!?" at thus point your apology will only cause more hurtful feelings.

[Wrenne]

thank you for your reply. the ego slap is part of it, but also because i felt like we really hadn't "broken up" because we still maintained contact. he is very flirty and would send flirty emails that made me think he still liked me. while he was seeing the new person, he had even asked me if i still had some things he had given me. i thought that since we were still talking that there was a chance that we could maybe work it out. but now i guess i am realizing that is not what he thinks.

 

the "point" of contacting him, i suppose, would be to maintain a good relationship with him, because he has maintained good relationships with many of his exs. he is a great person and people like to be around him. i suppose i just handled the situation very poorly because i have too many emotions about him. i agree that the emotions are very charged right now and maintaining nc for 6 months or more is probably a good idea.

[Circular]

thank you for your reply. the ego slap is part of it, but also because i felt like we really hadn't "broken up" because we still maintained contact. he is very flirty and would send flirty emails that made me think he still liked me. while he was seeing the new person, he had even asked me if i still had some things he had given me. i thought that since we were still talking that there was a chance that we could maybe work it out. but now i guess i am realizing that is not what he thinks.

 

the "point" of contacting him, i suppose, would be to maintain a good relationship with him, because he has maintained good relationships with many of his exs. he is a great person and people like to be around him. i suppose i just handled the situation very poorly because i have too many emotions about him. i agree that the emotions are very charged right now and maintaining nc for 6 months or more is probably a good idea.

 

One thing you should think about is that where you are right now is in hurt. You need to grieve the loss until that pain isn't there. Once that's gone you'll be in a much more objective place to understand how you want to emotionally invest your time. You might decide giving it another chance is really what you want to do.

 

One odd thing. Having ongoing relationships with "many" of your exes is a sign of not being able to actually let go. (think about what you are doing here) Sure, occasionally having a friendly relationship with an ex you had in your past isn't out of the ordinary. But just maybe the depth of your relationship was restricted by his inability to let go of his past relationships. He can't/won't commit any deeper because he won't let go of some of the feelings he has for these exes so his emotional investment will always be less than full. He probably is a commitment phobe.

[spyyder]

Don't feel so bad. Just move on and go NC, because this guy isn't for you and to be honest he isn't for anyone at his current state. YOU CANNOT make a strong relationship with someone who's still in contact with his/her exs. Those type of people (as the above poster said) will have problems with commitment until they realize that they just cannot be friends or have any contact with their exs if they really want to be in a loving, strong and long-lasting relationship.

 

Right now your really full of all these feelings and things to say so if I were you I would write a letter to him to get all your feelings out, and then trash it. If you don't want to trash it, put it in an envelope with a stamp but WITHOUT address and pop it into the postbox so at least is posts away.

 

You should watch the movie '2 days in paris', its about a woman that loses her boyfriend (the would-be love of her life) due to her still being close with most of her exs. Its clear that all her relationship problems would vanish if she just let go of her exs! Your bf is like that woman.