Treasa Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 It's normal for a dumper to think, "Hey, why isn't he/she chasing after me?" when the dumpee goes NC. I don't think you should respond. Right now you're too vulnerable, and leading up to the breakup, he WAS a dick to you. He was staying out late, tell you to F off, etc. For now, as hard as as it is, please try and focus on yourself. He has a lot of changing to do if he ever is allowed back into your life, and you have a lot of work to do on your own behalf as well. If you get back together, especially right now, chances are things will end again, and you'll have to start all over. He dumped you. Let him live with the consequences of his decision for a while, and in the meantime, you focus on YOU. When you're in a better place mentally, and IF he's sufficiently proven that he's not going to act like a dick anymore, you can consider speaking to him again. I personally wouldn't, though. Not after being spoken to like you were and then ignored for a few days.
starryeyed12 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) I'm very very confused, is it normal for the person who did the breaking up to change their mind after a couple of days, when they were so adamant that they didn't want to be in the relationship anymore?? The answer is no. I'm sorry to tell you but, more than likely he has not changed his mind. Chances are that he has experienced a few slight panic attacks such that you have. I mean, he did love you and you were his world at one point as well. He is suffering through this, but the major difference is that HE has the ball in his court as the dumper and you being the dumpee. He's the one who wanted to get away, so therefore at this point he has all the power. He probably feels like he can get you back with the snap of the finger if he really wants you, no matter how badly he's treated you. You must regain power for yourself. I think you can agree after earlier discussion that you have lost yourself over the course of this relationship. I can not stress how dangerous this is for you. I strongly recommend NC as much as possible. It is imperative that you take some time to work on you and creating your own life. This will make you more attractive to him in the long run- or anyone else for that matter. Force yourself to get up, eat, and get out. Even if it is just for a walk. Take deep, slow breaths when panic hits. Write what you would say to him or how you are feeling in a journal or here. Do not contact him. It is mind over matter. You can control yourself if you work at it, though you will slip up, just keep telling yourself that this is not healthy. I promise you that you are a lovely, amazing, STRONG woman. You need no man to define you. Be that woman for us today. Tell yourself over and over, and your thoughts will slowly become your deeds. Be the strong woman God made you to be and come back here soon to tell us good news on the day. Good luck girl. You are never alone. Edited July 27, 2010 by starryeyed12
Treasa Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 he is a man who never, ever shows his emotions and never contacts me after a row. I must have missed it, but why were you with this guy again? Do you really want someone like that? Let him hang out with his new-found friends. You just take care of your own business for now. If you can remain strong, you'll be amazed at how quickly you recover and become healthier.
Circular Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Even though you miss him and it really hurts inside this is one of those moments to show yourself how strong you can be. Here's the deal - He's going to text you, he's going to call you, he's going to email you and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RESPOND. He thinks you're weak, he thinks you're going to give in but you CANT. You need to get to a place in your head and heart where you can step back and assess if this guy was worth it or not. Did you have great times, yes! was it real, yes! did he love you, yes! BUT he did dump you, he didn't discuss it with you in a mature adult manner, he got taken on the ride of newness and new people and new women and it was exciting, fun, and he thought that was better than what he had. Now, if he comes begging back and says "I really f'd up, I really want us to work this out, I'd do anything to make it work" that's when you have to make the decision for yourself if you want to try again or not. Anything but sincere apologies and a desire to make it work is pure ego play and he's toying with you. Why? Because he feels guilt and he doesn't want the feeling that comes from dumping you to bug him.
Author kentgirl Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I really, really appreciate everyones advice, and I know that every thing that has been said is the right and sensible thing to do. However.... we spoke on the phone yesterday, he asked me to come over to his tonight to 'talk'. I've agreed to go, only because I feel that after six years together he at least owes me enough to talk to me face to face about all of this. I also have alot of his stuff at my place and vice versa (we didn't live together). I'm going with the attitude that this is the last time I'll probably see him, I'm not ready to say goodbye yet but realistically Im not sure if Im ever going to be ready to say goodbye, I still love him very much. I'm also not sure whether he'll try and ask me back, which is probably a dangerous thing to think because it's probably giving me false hope, which will make tonight even harder. Do you have any advice for me on how to deal with this tonight??
Circular Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I really, really appreciate everyones advice, and I know that every thing that has been said is the right and sensible thing to do. However.... we spoke on the phone yesterday, he asked me to come over to his tonight to 'talk'. I've agreed to go, only because I feel that after six years together he at least owes me enough to talk to me face to face about all of this. I also have alot of his stuff at my place and vice versa (we didn't live together). I'm going with the attitude that this is the last time I'll probably see him, I'm not ready to say goodbye yet but realistically Im not sure if Im ever going to be ready to say goodbye, I still love him very much. I'm also not sure whether he'll try and ask me back, which is probably a dangerous thing to think because it's probably giving me false hope, which will make tonight even harder. Do you have any advice for me on how to deal with this tonight?? My advice honestly is don't go. He wants to 'talk' because he wants to feel better about what he's doing and you're in no position to look at this objectively. As soon as you see him and you start talking the tears will flood in, he'll start telling you all the reasons that he's dong what he's doing and he'll justify everything. Thing is, this talk is all about him, not about you. He'll feel like he made peace, while you'll feel the weight of the pain. You agreeing and going over just is validating that he holds all the power and control in this. Seriously, really think hard about this. He broke up with you, there is no 'conversation', he can drop your stuff by your place when you are not home. This all might sound harsh but really think about how he's slighted you, you need time to think before there's any 'talk' - personally I'd just go NC, not show up. If you show up and you 'get back together' keep in mind that you just APPROVED of his behavior as he has suffered ZERO consequence and your starting a very bad pattern.
Nobody's Bunny Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Kentgirl, I'm so sorry. Six years is a long time, and when you're with someone for that long and they begin to change it can become scary...especially in your case, because it sounds like he was probably your first and only love since you two were together since you were eighteen. Your reaction to his behaviour, I have to say, was amateurish, but that's only because I can imagine you haven't had much experience in dealing with a situation such as this. You will learn as you grow. On the other hand, according to you he'd be 31 now and should be in a more mature place in his life. Even when he started a relationship with you when he was 25 he should've known better. To me it seems he has regressed, and that's not necessarily your fault. Yes, you became dependent upon him over the years, but he obviously displayed the same behaviour towards you up until he started socializing with this new group of colleagues. You say these colleagues are mostly women? It sounds to me as if he's got something up his sleeve. Yes, you pestered him while he was going out with his "friends," but you had good reason to. I, myself would not have taken the same route, though--In the past I've followed my intuition and have found out several times that my intuition was on point--he's going to go out and do what he wants to do regardless of what you may try to do to stop it. The only way to control a man is to literally put a gun to his head, and nobody wants to be in that situation. The bottom line is that instead of trying to keep tabs on him you have to sit back and think about how much this relationship is worth your time if he's not putting in any effort and is merely making you sad or nervous. DO NOT make any sort of contact with him. Let him come to you--let him miss you and dream about you and cry for you, and meanwhile you focus on the things that make you happy. Be selfish, for once in your life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't cry or be sad for your loss, but don't EVER let him know you feel that way. I guarantee you that it will rock his world. Think about it: What does he expect from you at this point? He expects you to call him/text him/email him telling him how much you miss him and that you still wanna be with him. Drop a bomb on him, instead. Saying nothing can sometimes say so much more than actually saying something. He won't expect it from you, and it WILL bother him. And if you two do talk again about getting back together, make sure he knows that he's not the only fish in the sea and that he will have to make an effort to win your love, again.
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