Jealous of my boyfriend's new found popularity

[kentgirl]

Hello,

 

This is my first post, I'm so glad I accidently stumbled on this forum, I really could do with some advice. I will warn you in advance - this is quite a long story, so you may get bored..

 

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six years, he is my first boyfriend ( we met when I was 18, he was 25), he has been the love of my life, the absolute centre of my world for these past 6 years. He has many faults, but I love him regardless.

 

Not only has he been my boyfriend but he has been my best friend for all this time, in fact, he's become my only friend. Some thing very horrible happened to me when I left college, my two best friends, girls who were like sisters to me, decided out of the blue that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I cannot tell you how much of a blow this has been and how badly it has affected my life and my self confidence - it's gotten to the point where I don't know how to make friends anymore, I don't know how to talk to new people and I don't know how to get people to like me. I went all through university not really even speaking to any one.

 

However, I've always got through it because I've always had my bf, who up until about a year ago, has been in exactly the same position as me. He too lost contact with his close friends from college and didn't really socialise with work colleagues. We were both in our little bubble, happy to spend our weekends together and not only were we boyfriend and girlfriend but each other's best friends too. Now - I know that this isn't healthy, you don't have to tell me that - but we were happy.

 

About a year ago, my boyfriend changed drastically. He started going on nights out with big groups of work colleagues (something he never did before, particularly as he isn't really a drinker) and got back in touch with his best friend from school, who he started spending every saturday night with. To be honest, I got jealous - I was used to having him all to myself and now I had to share him and I didn't like it. Since january of this year, it's got worse. He started a new job, which he loves (and I'm genuinely pleased for him) but he's working for a very sociable company and they are out at least once or twice a week.

 

I know that you are probably screaming at the screen 'so what??! that's normal!!' but I can't handle it. I know that's pathetic, I know that there is something extremely wrong with me. I know he's not doing any thing "wrong" but I hate it, I hate that he's made all these new friends and he's become the popular one in the office. I hate the fact he goes on big nights out while I'm stuck at home on my own. I feel now that staying in with me or going on a date with me, is not interesting enough for him anymore and that he'd have more fun with his friends.

 

The worse thing is, is that I'm taking it out on him - tonight for example, he said he was going for a quick drink after work. The minute he told me, I didn't like it, I felt anxious and when he wasn't home by 10 ' o clock I called his mobile and was moody down the phone to him. He told me to f*** off and I guess I can't blame him.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me, I really, really need some help. He will break up with me over this, I just know it - and it will be my fault. Am I a terrible person??

[Circular]

You said it yourself that you relationship was "unhealthy" and you're right. Instead of the relationship being an addition to a set of existing individual hobbies, friends and interests that each partner can participate in you both fell prey to "the prison" where two individuals come together, drop all their friends, spend every moment together and "merge" their identity. You've become meshed so tightly I have no doubt that you text, IM, email and call each other quite routinely all day long.

 

Problem is, one of the prisoners has gone on furlough and realized There is a world they've forgotten about and been out of touch with and it's like a breath of fresh air. They realize they want their self identity back and its like a teenager rebelling against their parents, except its their partner. You need to let that person breathe and also know that it's ok otherwise the result is a catastrophic failure of the relationship. The classic "Everything was perfect, we rarely argued and now I've been dumped"

 

What you are doing has to STOP!!! Take a few steps back and reestablish your boundaries, go out with new friends, find hobbies and step back quickly before your neediness suffocates your BF enough for him to start thinking "I need to get out of this".

 

Any more signs of neediness or jealousy will just push him farther away.

[Wrenne]

think of three (or more) things that you want that have nothing to do with your boyfriend. work towards those goals. whether it is starting to work out more, meeting new people, whatever. it will make you feel better about yourself and have a life outside of your boyfriend. that will redirect your energy away from him. and try to share your bf's interests. if he invites you to go with him, you should go every once in a while, even if it is easier to sit at home. getting out of your comfort zone is better than waiting around for him and getting jealous. if he isn't including you in ANY of his activities with his friends, that is distancing behavior and you should talk to him about that.

[spyyder]

Girl you seriously need to watch out! So many of us have lost the loves of our lives due to jealousy, and we all wish we could relive it to undo the mistake. You sound great together, don't ruin it! I had that kind of relationship were we only needed each other, and I blew it, and I regret blowing it away everyday!

 

Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him about losing your friends, how he also lost touch too and that you were really happy just being with him. Tell him how now due to your lack of friends, you feel lonely without him and are moody as you feel like you need to share him. Tell him that your sorry about the way you acted, and explain why. Trust me...for him to say '**** off' he must be really mad & pissed off, so again watch out...imagine actually losing him. I bet you couldn't live without him right? So don't lose him!

 

Hopefully he'll help you out by helping you make new friends, etc, or better yet..include you with his new friends.

 

Its great that you've identified the problem and posted on LS, otherwise you'd be here a few months from now saying that you've just lost the love of your life, that your crying, depressed, etc just like the rest of us. Your very lucky in the sense that you mistake can still be undone with no damage!

[kentgirl]

Thank you all for your replies and I agree with everything that has been said. I know that I am behaving wrongly, the one thing that I will say is - that my bf has actively 'banned' me from meeting any of his work colleagues (who are all mostly women), this makes it worse because I start running horrible scenarios through my head like - is he ashamed of me? is something going on between him and a work friend? maybe he has told them he's single?

 

I mean, it's a bit wierd to ban me from meeting them isn't it??!!

[Wrenne]

i think that your boyfriend needs some space for now, and you need to give him that, and start focusing on yourself. if, after a few months of giving him space, meeting up with your own friends, developing hobbies, not nagging him about the time he's not spending with you, he still "won't allow" you to meet his new work friends, i would have a serious conversation with him about it. it is normal for co-workers to go out drinking without SOs, but sometimes SOs do come along, and that is also normal and expected. you should have the opportunity to at least meet his new friends. if he thinks that you wouldn't be welcome, you might suggest inviting his new friends over or doing non-work-related activities with them. but, it seems like in the sort term he needs some space, and you need to give it some time for now. while it is hurtful to not be included, if your relationship is strong and you are understanding, nothing he does with any of his co-workers will drive him away from you. but expressing jealousy and envy will. i would wait a least a couple of months for him to open up.

[marigo]

I understand why you'd be paranoid that he doesnt want you to go to his office get togethers or meetings because I would be too. But i think he doesnt want you to go because he wants some time for himself or he wants time to be with other people alone. I dont know how else to explain it but since hes probably with you a lot of the times that he just wants some time away from you. I know it doesnt make any sense because why would he want to be away frm you right? But trust me, i wish i found loveshack when my bf (now ex) are going through almost the exact same thing as urs.

 

Id get sad when hes out or id get jealous when he hangs with other people because i want him to hang with me instead. And just like you, i dont really have any friends and i dont know how to make friends anymore. We broke up 5 months ago because he said he isnt as in love with me as he used to be and a part of him wants to be single again. I think that you need to make changes now before its too late and you end up going through what i had to go through.

 

I was forced to live my life without him and i realized that in a relationship, a couple should have a life with each other and also a life outside of each other. I wish i had a second chance to change my mistakes and gave him space instead of being needy and jealous all the time. I wouldnt really say that i was naggy tho or would call him to see where he is or if he's not back a certain time. To be honest, i was pretty understanding about that as long as he got back safely. I do understand what you say when you get anxious though. Thats why im telling you now, try to go out with your friends, find a hobby, do something that is apart from your bf. Trust me, i really wish i learned to do this while i was still with my bf. I think ur bf would love to see you having ur own life too. I wish i had the chance to change things and show him that i can also have a life apart from him and maybe his feelings for me wouldnt have changed. Plus, there are also other issues that led to the break up but i know one of the biggest thing is the "neediness" i showed him. So, i think ur lucky that you still have a chance to correct things but you have to really try.

 

Goodluck!!

[A Hot Mess]

Being clingy and dependent can be pretty unattractive. So you need to do whatever to make yourself confident and more self-reliant right now. Preferably, before it's too late. But if the relationship (knock on wood) does end, you'll be setting yourself up to be in a much better place from the start.

 

I mean, what situation would you rather be in.. your BF breaks up with you and you have absolutely nobody/nothing? Or.. your BF breaks up with you and you have been making new friends, working on yourself, and taking up new activities/hobbies?

 

Hopefully, if you get on this soon, you can make enough of a change that your BF will see you differently (not the sad, needy, anti-social GF) and want to work things out/stick with it.

[starryeyed12]

I call the kind of relationship you have been having "hibernating." I had a bf in college who wanted to be the exact same way. He always wanted to wall- up at our place and hang out just the two of us. He discouraged me from going out with new people and going to parties. This behavior started to feel contolling and I felt very trapped after awhile. We eventually broke up, and he took it very hard.

 

The thing is, I did care for him deeply, and through our hibernating we became very close and had some wonderful times. But this behavior had to stop. It was smothering. One consequence of this behavior was not meeting any good friends that year, and it was a real set back for me as I am a social person and need a good social network.

 

You have lost sight of the importance of being your own person and networking with other people. IMO, that is quite dangerous for you. You are young and have a lot of life before you. You are going to NEED at least one or two good friends as a support system- sibling, cousin, HS or college friend, whomever. Networking with colleages or aquaintances is important as well, for many aspects of your life such as job seeking. Think about it,

there are people who are professionals at neworking and make a living doing PR. This doesn't have to be you, but you need to work on it! You have to learn to build relationships and learn to maintain them as well. Relationships with others are alive and breathing. They need fuel to survive. When you overwater one relationship, it can die. When you don't water another, it will wither away.

 

Work on your self esteem and put yourself out there for others to get to know you. People will eventually accept you and like you if you let them see who you are. Don't be fake either, it will bite you in the ass. Be your BEST self. If you need counsoling to help you, don't be ashamed. You may just save yourself and your relationship by doing so.

 

Good luck girl!

 

*******************************************************

Living is easy with eyes closed.

[kentgirl]

Thank you so much for all of your replies.

 

I know what the answer is - I need to make my own life, I need friends, a hobby, just something outside of my relationship (which has probably ended now anyway). My problem is, I guess, is that I don't really know how to get all these things, I mean, how do you make friends as an adult???!! By the time you are my age (24), most people have already made their circle of friends.

 

I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment anyway, I've been working out at the gym alot and it's my plan to try and losd a stone, as I think this will help my self esteem anyway.

 

Thank you again everyone xx

[sally4sara]

Adult friendships are not as intense as the friendships of your school days, but they are also usually less filled with the drama that causes your earlier friendships to burn out abruptly.

 

Why not meet him and his coworkers when they go to happy hour? Maybe you can make friends through them or with them.

[kentgirl]

I'm having a really bad day. It's become totally apparent to me that I just don't fit in with my boyfriend's new life. It's nearly midnight, he's still out with his work colleagues, I've heard nothing from him, not even a solitary text message to say hi all day, which clearly means that I haven't even crossed his mind.

It really, really hurts, you know, it feels like rejection. We should probably just break up, im not sure which would be more painful

[kentgirl]

My boyfriend broke up with me this morning. I don't know what to do now, I feel completely lost

[Circular]

Am really sorry to hear that he was showing the classic signs.

 

 

What you need to do IMMEDIATELY - No questions asked is go NC completely. You need to be completely broken off from him. Don't call, text, send emails - no begging, pleading, crying, etc... It's going to be hard but it's the right thing for you to do.

[kentgirl]

I'm so heartbroken, I can't stop crying. Please tell me that this will get easier

[Chinook]

The first thing you need to do, is just get through the day today.

 

The second thing you do... is congratulate yourself that something was wrong, you didn't know what, but you definitely detected it going on. As someone else said, he was showing classic signs a long time ago that it was over. You knew this deep inside. It doesn't hurt any less... but it will. I promise you, it will hurt less. It may not hurt less right away, but eventually, you will look back and know that this relationship is 50/50% and he dropped his 50%.

[Treasa]

My ex broke up with me two and a half months ago. I felt suicidal at first, and couldn't eat, couldn't go to work for a few days, etc. Mind you, this was the sixth time he had broken up with me in the six years we were together.

 

For a while I just tried to talk to family about. I kept asking if he would come back. After a few days I started occasionally emailing him, trying to be light and cheerful and showing him how I was working on the issues he had with me.

 

After about a month and a half of chit-chatting via email almost every day, I finally asked if we could try again. He told me that he didn't think he had the same feelings for me, and while he missed having a girlfriend, he didn't think I was the one he wanted.

 

For some reason that stopped me cold. Something inside me snapped, and I thought about those words. He wanted a girlfriend, but not ME. Suddenly I realized that I didn't want someone who didn't want me. I didn't want to be a placeholder!

 

The pedestal I had placed him on cracked, and he came crashing down from it. I took the week off from work because I needed to get mentally healthy again. I spent a lot of time thinking about things, and I realized that his behavior and attitude and faults largely contributed to the breakup of the relationship. It wasn't all my fault!

 

I finally started seeing all the red flags that had been present all along. I started seeing him as a person who was no better and no worse than anyone else. In fact, if anything, he was a lot more selfish than other people.

 

In reading all the things you posted in this thread, it sounds like, yes, you lost yourself in him. But he sounds like he was being a total dick to you as well. Banning you from meeting his female colleagues? Hello, control freak!! There's a chance he met another female at work who he likes.

 

However, that should NOT make you feel like you weren't good enough! The guy has issues, and while his world may be all rosy now, eventually he'll get over the excitement he's feeling, and he'll realize the grass isn't necessary greener.

 

But that really doesn't matter. At least, it shouldn't matter to you. What should matter to you right now is YOU.

 

I strongly urge you to please get the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" and re-read it many times.

 

Right now you have permission to mope, cry, etc. But whatever you do, DO NOT CALL HIM. Do not beg him back. Do not accept any contact from him whatsoever if you can help it.

 

Right now what you have to do is disappear from his life. It's what he asked for, so you're going to give it to him.

 

I want you to also start examining what you want out of your own life. What are your dreams? What are your goals?

 

Whenever you have the strength, even if you don't feel like it, I want you to exercise. Exercise once a day if you can. I promise it will do wonders for you. And make sure you eat.

 

Two and a half months ago I thought my world was over. I thought I'd never be happy again. And while I still occasionally have down moments, they are becoming fewer and farther between, and I'm thinking about my ex less and less with every passing day. I'm now realizing that being with him held me back from doing a lot of things in my life that made me happy. I daresay that in many ways I'm actually happier now than I was before.

 

You'll get there. But you have to take an active role in getting better. Time does heal all wounds, but only if you use that time to work on the issues that are within you.

[kentgirl]

Thank you everyone for your words of advice, reading them is making me cry more but only because it's still sinking in and I know that everything you have all said is true. Things haven't been right for a long time but I guess my love for him clouded over that. I like to think that he'll regret this decision one day, I don't think he'll ever get a better girlfriend than me, certainly not one that loved him as much.

It's taking all of my strength not to ring him but I'm not going to allow myself to do it.

Writing on here is helping alot, so thank you everyone for listening, it really is appreciated

 

x

[Chinook]

Write here as much as you need to honey. You're right, contacting him won't help you now. He's made the decision to walk away. When someone chooses to hurt you at that level, to sever that bond, they're not thinking about how much they care about you. They may dress it up as 'it's better in the long term' but they're not thinking about how hurt you are.

 

Now is your time. One thing I saw someone else post earlier today which I wish I'd seen back 3 years ago (might have made my life then easier). You don't have to stop loving him - you don't have to have that particular fight with yourself. He doesn't need to be around for you to continue to feel the way you do. Right now.... things are raw and they will go up and down. It will hurt and you'll cry and feel sick. But slowly and surely, you will breathe through the days and you'll come out the other side.

 

Keep writing your thoughts down. But promise yourself this, no matter what the emotion - anger, pain, denial, compassion, misery, hopefulness etc... no matter what, you will not contact him. It's okay to give non-commital responses if he contacts you as he's still likely to worry about you because he knows that he has hurt you. But if he does contact you, keep it short if you have to reply and make it clear to him that he can't make you feel better now. He has no right to know how you're doing from now forward, but he may ask. For myself, having absolutely no contact made life a lot easier. My ex walked out on Tuesday 26th June 2007 and I have never had any contact or seen him since... and that's how it should stay (not that I would want it now, I'm about to get married to someone else!)

[kentgirl]

It's 3.30 in the morning and I can't sleep, I've been lying in bed torturing myself over whether he has met someone else or not; over whether he really ever loved me or not. I'm so so tempted to email him and ask him all these questions but I know it's important not to contact him. I miss him so much already, this is going to be so hard.

[Circular]

It is going to be hard. But in the end you'll know you did the right thing and preserved your dignity and self respect. You'll become 110% stronger and know how to deal with the next relationship even better, where he will not unfortunately.

 

Did he love you? Of course he did. At one point you meant everything to him, so much so that he was willing to give up a huge piece of his life to dedicate to you.

 

Don't muddle your mind with 'is he seeing someone else' or 'is he interested in someone else', etc... those thoughts will come, but you have to push them out of your mind and realize that your a great, mature, and smart woman that deserves better. I mean, come on, you came here seeking advice on how to make your relationship work! You got good advice and learned how to navigate a relationship - some great guy out there deserves a dedicated thoughtful girlfriend that'll go the extra yards to take off the blinders and truly figure out how to make it work. Damn, his loss!

 

You need to get mad and angry, you didn't deserve to be treated this way and he doesn't deserve one iota of your attention. But, when the time is right, I bet the next guy you meet you'll have healthy boundaries with, realize that you have your own life as well and really appreciate what you've learned from this experience, no matter how heart wrenching it has been.

 

Be strong, NC is the best thing - don't break down and email or contact him at all. Silence speaks 10000000x louder than words.

[kentgirl]

I just got back from a spinning class, which I forced myself to go to this morning. I managed to get through about 30 mins before I broke down in the middle of the class and had to leave - it was very embarassing.

It just hit me that I'll never have another conversation with him, he'll never call me to ask me how my day is again and I'll never hear him laugh again and it's just so bloody painful. And I can't believe he's done this to me, I can't believe he's happier without me. This hurts so much.

I'm sorry that I'm probably boring everyone but coming on this forum is helping me.

[kentgirl]

Ok, so day 3.

I'm not doing well at all, I still haven't managed to eat anything since it happened. I feel too sick to eat anything. I did manage to sleep last night though and when I woke up, I forgot that he had broken up with me for a few seconds and then the pain came rushingg back. It's not just an emotional pain either, it's a physical pain in the chest - is this normal??

I'm trying to force myself to get out and about but I just don't feel ready to put a brave face on things yet.

I feel like a big part of me is missing, I miss him so much, all I want to do is call him and hear his voice - how pathethic??!

This really feels like a death, you know- like somebody has died and I honestly don't know how I'm going to pull through.

[Treasa]

Ok, so day 3.

I'm not doing well at all, I still haven't managed to eat anything since it happened. I feel too sick to eat anything. I did manage to sleep last night though and when I woke up, I forgot that he had broken up with me for a few seconds and then the pain came rushingg back. It's not just an emotional pain either, it's a physical pain in the chest - is this normal??

I'm trying to force myself to get out and about but I just don't feel ready to put a brave face on things yet.

I feel like a big part of me is missing, I miss him so much, all I want to do is call him and hear his voice - how pathethic??!

This really feels like a death, you know- like somebody has died and I honestly don't know how I'm going to pull through.

 

You're doing fine for where you are. I went three weeks without eating and lost 20 pounds after my recent breakup. I felt physical pain, too. It was from not eating, and grief, and not taking care of myself.

 

Your body is going to start shutting down, including your brain, if you don't feed yourself. Please at least try nibbling on crackers and drinking full-sugared sodas even if you can't get anything else down. Your low blood sugar is going to make you even more mentally unstable. Trust me on this one.

 

Do you have someone to actually talk to? Someone who will just listen to you?

 

I went through five weeks of absolute hell, and then I finally realized that it was really over. That he didn't want me anymore. And I made a decision that I was done with him. Someone who could so callously throw me away, as though I was a broken toy or a piece of garbage, doesn't deserve me, because I'm wonderful.

 

Your problem is that you made him the center of your world, and when he left, your world came crashing down. You have to slowly work on making yourself the center of your world.

 

You can get "Getting Past Your Breakup" on Amazon and read it online immediately for $10. Please do this if you can. It's an amazing book.

 

I know it's hard, but you have to start thinking about yourself, and your goals and your dreams. Right now you can barely move. That's why you need to start forcing yourself to eat. It will get better, but you have to take care of yourself.

 

And you can't expect it to get better overnight. I want you to take small baby steps, just doing what you can do, and grieve when you need to, but DO NOT contact him.

 

Please exercise every day, even if it's just a walk for 20 minutes. Please eat something every day. Please read that book. Please be kind to yourself.

[kentgirl]

Thank you Threasa for your kind advice. I know I should eat but I just can't face it yet.

 

He sent me a text message last night saying he missed me so much and he doesn't know what to do. I was completely shocked to get this, he is a man who never, ever shows his emotions and never contacts me after a row. As much as Im glad to know he's hurting, isn't it cruel to give me false hope??? I feel like an idiot because Ive told my whole family that it's definately over and they've spent the past three days comforting me and telling me that he wasn't good enough and that I deserved better to try and make me feel better, I would feel totally stupid and embarassed if I turned around now and said 'actually we're going to try and talk it through'.

 

I'm very very confused, is it normal for the person who did the breaking up to change their mind after a couple of days, when they were so adamant that they didn't want to be in the relationship anymore??