mryzenga Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 It's been almost 9 months since I found out about my wife's affair. It was a complete shock to me and it has clearly devastated me emotionally. I'm trying my best not to think about it or bring it up around her. But when we do talk about things my wife tells me "she feels she is never good enough for me". We have had this issue in the past, but now it has multiplied because of the affair. I do know I am expecting more now, but to me that's normal. She claims she is meeting my needs. But I'm really not feeling it. Now more than ever I need her love, some respect and attention. It's just not there. Am I asking too much? Will it ever come? Is it my expectations or her way of blaming me? Did she seem to think having an affair would resolve these problems? It's deep psychology and I am simply trying to understand just what she means by it so I can overcome this roadblock in our marriage.
2sure Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 The roadblock in reconciling/repairing your marriage after infidelity cannot be lifted by either one of you individually. I dont think it can really be accomplished without seeking MC together to learn more about how to communicate with each other through this - because unless your marriage gets better, it gets worse. As to your wife meeting your needs...she should be - yes. The heavy lifting here certainly goes to the WS. But you, as the betrayed spouse - what are you doing to facilitate reconciliation and change? Are you telling her how to meet your needs? Is she telling you how to meet hers?
hopesndreams Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Now more than ever I need her love, some respect and attention. It's just not there. Where was her love and respect for you when she spread her legs for another man? Point being, there wasn't any, that's why she did what she did. You expect her to now conjure up those long lost feelings she once had for you? But I'm really not feeling it. How can you feel something that is no longer there? You can't. I am only saying this stuff because of this. But when we do talk about things my wife tells me "she feels she is never good enough for me". She claims she is meeting my needs. and most importantly, this Is it my expectations or her way of blaming me? She most likely is blaming you for her A. How sure are you that she is no longer involved in an A? Are you 100% sure? Where's her remorse? You alone cannot overcome this roadblock in the M. If she isn't doing some heavy lifting, and by the sounds of it, she isn't, the only next logical step is to D her.
Author mryzenga Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 To the posts above: I am 99.9% sure her affair is over. I have obsessed over it enough to know that. Please don't get me wrong. We are having sex, once, maybe twice a week, but really only when I initiate it - and that bothers me. Rarely does she come on to me. She says, "that's normal" "most women don't want it". But that's her, because she has never been a very sexual person. So I'm not feeling a natural connection and I know I probably won't for awhile. She has poured out her tears and has said she is sorry, she has accepted responsibility. But lately her sincerity is less frequent, now she seems to think it's my problem because I haven't forgiven her. She's telling me I need to cope with it better. She doesn't think I will ever forgive her. Who knows, I'd like too, but only time will tell. I'm truly not there now. I feel we go back and forth. I also see her trying to work on the relationship at times. She's been biting her tongue when she really wants to say something and that's hard for her because she has the personality who would rather disagree than agree. She is feisty and can have a real attitude at times. So that's where I don't feel the respect I deserve, especially now. She says "she is doing all she can". I just need more I guess.
hopesndreams Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I am 99.9% sure her affair is over. I have obsessed over it enough to know that. I was thinking more along the lines of there being someone else, as in, not the same guy. If it was the same guy, she would have ditched you by now. She really needs to buck up her attitude. You have no control over that though. If she isn't giving 100000000000000% to get the M back on track, then it's only a matter of time before she will fall into the same pattern as before. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Is there any MC?
Snowflower Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 To the posts above: I am 99.9% sure her affair is over. I have obsessed over it enough to know that. Please don't get me wrong. We are having sex, once, maybe twice a week, but really only when I initiate it - and that bothers me. Rarely does she come on to me. She says, "that's normal" "most women don't want it". But that's her, because she has never been a very sexual person. So I'm not feeling a natural connection and I know I probably won't for awhile. She has poured out her tears and has said she is sorry, she has accepted responsibility. But lately her sincerity is less frequent, now she seems to think it's my problem because I haven't forgiven her. She's telling me I need to cope with it better. She doesn't think I will ever forgive her. Who knows, I'd like too, but only time will tell. I'm truly not there now. I feel we go back and forth. I also see her trying to work on the relationship at times. She's been biting her tongue when she really wants to say something and that's hard for her because she has the personality who would rather disagree than agree. She is feisty and can have a real attitude at times. So that's where I don't feel the respect I deserve, especially now. She says "she is doing all she can". I just need more I guess. I believe you when you say the affair is over. You know your situation best. I can relate to your posts as I am in a somewhat similar situation myself. It's a very difficult place to be in, for both you and your wife and both of you have a role in working to recover your marriage. Forgiveness, if it ever comes, will be completely on your timeframe, MZ. I know for me it has come in stages and like you mention, I can go back and forth about how I feel about forgiving. Basically, I think that is your right as a BS. Afterall, you didn't make the choice to become involved in this whole mess. So don't feel like you are supposed to feel a certain way to make it easier for your wife. Of course, you need to give your marriage your best effort and so does she (even more so, IMO) but you can't force yourself to get over what happened. So many WS do not understand how difficult it is for their BS to recover from something as huge as an affair. Sure, the WS can feel horrible about what they've done but they don't just don't understand in most cases. But if you feel that she isn't at least trying as hard as she can to earn your respect and do the very best she can, then you have to decide what is best for you.
jnj express Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Do you know what really caused her to run to another's arms, instead of working on her mge. That whatever it is, may still be a giant roadblock, in her fully investing herself in total R. These feelings, visions, distrust may never go away for you----It takes in many cases 2 to 5 yrs to get over the A., and back to normal, for whatever that can be. You may never get over it----your carefree days are gone, your peace of mind is gone, and your feeling good about things is gone----she has to know this. She is over her A., she figures you should be also----your level of pain is much, much, much more than she will ever know. You just need to keep your boundaries, with consequences, and keep a hardline---for if she percieves you handled this to weakly, she will think nothing of cheating again, as she now knows what you will do about it---and that is basically very little. There has to be accountability for a cheater, the accountability has to be to you. The continuation, or not, of this mge., gets played out by your rules, not hers---you need to understand this, and she needs to know this. If you have to withdraw intimacy, and play hardball do so, also maybe a bit of a 180. Let her know she has to earn her way back into the family.
Bryanp Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 What were the consequences to her actions? Did she feel down deep that she knew she could have an affair and put your health at risk for STD's knowing deep down that you would forgive her? Did she have any fear whatsoever that you would leave her if she engaged in a sexual affair with another man? The bottom line is what made her think that there would be no consequences to her actions?
seren Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 9 months after D Day is not very long at all, it takes a long hard slog to reconcile after finding out the person you love and trust has had an A. Not just because of the betrayal, but because it affects your self esteem. We all go into a marriage with expectations of how it will be, we never go into a marriage with expectations that we will be betrayed. Once the decision to reconcile has been made, there is a real need to lay down boundaries. The, this is what I need for us to heal, this is what WE need to do to make it work, this is what works for me. I also think you (general you) need to understand why, what was it about the marriage that prompted the A, what gave WS the permission to cheat. This is not meant to imlpy that you knew, were doing anything different, but rather that the WS felt that there was something they needed outside the marriage. I would also seek MC, if that works for you, we didn't and have been good, we are almost 3 years on from D Day and still have moments of digging it up. Our marriage is not the same as before the A, I hesitate to say it, but ir is, in some ways better, but the trust thing is hard, very hard. Reconciling is so not easy, it takes a huge amount of perseverance and there are others here who have great advice. Once a cheater always a cheater is just not true also concentrating on the mechanics and the sex isn't helpful. We all know that most A's involve sex, but for most BS, the sex isn't the overwhelming issue, it is the betrayal of trust and the no longer having the M we thought we had. It is a long painful journey, but it can work, and it takes time.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 To the posts above: I am 99.9% sure her affair is over. I have obsessed over it enough to know that. Please don't get me wrong. We are having sex, once, maybe twice a week, but really only when I initiate it - and that bothers me. Rarely does she come on to me. She says, "that's normal" "most women don't want it". But that's her, because she has never been a very sexual person. So I'm not feeling a natural connection and I know I probably won't for awhile. She has poured out her tears and has said she is sorry, she has accepted responsibility. But lately her sincerity is less frequent, now she seems to think it's my problem because I haven't forgiven her. She's telling me I need to cope with it better. She doesn't think I will ever forgive her. Who knows, I'd like too, but only time will tell. I'm truly not there now. I feel we go back and forth. I also see her trying to work on the relationship at times. She's been biting her tongue when she really wants to say something and that's hard for her because she has the personality who would rather disagree than agree. She is feisty and can have a real attitude at times. So that's where I don't feel the respect I deserve, especially now. She says "she is doing all she can". I just need more I guess. I think I can relate to your story. Although when having arguements with my H, he doesn't bite his tongue and in any case I don't expect him to either. He is his own person...as is your wife..regardless of their affairs. Sounds like you expect her to be a different person now that shes screwed around on you...but the fact of the matter is...she;s just trying to be who she's always been...that fiesty chick with attitude at times. You really can't expect her to be a different person. What you should expect is for her to try harder on the marriage..as you should as well. Remember you own 50 percent of the marriage problems prior to the affair. Don't think just because she had an affair she now has to magically fix everything on her own. The things you should expect from her are total transparency and trying to regain your trust back in her. Believe me..I know exactly how you feel..as my DDay was only 3 months ago. I am at a point where I just don't know if its worth it anymore...and may just have to split with him for good. The pain never goes away...I'm sure it eases out with more time..but my brain cant wrap around the betrayal. Thats the killer!
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