dd9 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I've been married for 5 years (no children) to someone I can only describe as a great friend. After 2 years of dating I was moving across the country and essentially we agreed to marry since she wouldnt wait for me otherwise. I regret this decision. At 22 I was fairly sure that trust issues, jealousy issues and general bad attitude would disappear once we were married - but they haven't to this day. I say these things but as I said before she is my closest friend and ally, she takes care of me emotionally. Our sex life isnt an issue we have our ups and downs and we are both very committed (no other people). The problem is just that, it's not so much that I feel like we lost something, it's that I feel like there was something always missing - I worry that this is a situation of the grass being greener... or the 7 year itch. But I know that I want children but never in this situation, is that something that is reconcilable? I want out, but it seems like there are so many more terrible things that could be out there, infidelity, abuse, etc. Maybe I should just settle up and be happy with what i have. I appreciate any insights anyone might have.
Saxis Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Sounds like you're at a hard part of the marriage, where things have settled and become "just a routine"...? Excitement is gone...? Talking to her about it seems like the only solution at the moment. Maybe you'll decide to work together and figure out what's missing, or maybe you'll find out that you both want out which could lead to a peaceful separation/dissolution. You owe it to yourself, but more importantly, if you're not 100% in, you owe it to her!
Author dd9 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Thanks for the input and I think maybe I will make more of an effort to table this discussion with the W. It's just that i read these stories of people losing a spark, or becoming routine but I don't really identify with that, even if I could get things back to how they were when I was initially married I would need to have a lot more. I guess I just expected more from this relationship after 5 years and it seems not only to be stagnant but that my partner is totally complacent with it.
GorillaTheater Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Have you specifically identified what you think is missing, or is it more of a vague feeling? If it's the latter, my advice is to do some hard introspection as to what it is that you're looking for. Then approach your wife with what you find. I think you owe your wife that much. She can't read your mind and shouldn't have to.
Author dd9 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I don't even know, it's a vague feeling but I think it's just all the things I put up with coming to a head. There are a lot of things that I didn't even consider when we got married since we were both so young, and in my case - I'd never been around married people, let alone functionally married people. All the important things like politics, kids, work, our individual ideas about what does and does not make a good marriage - conversations we never had which really now I wish we had. When we met I didn't care much for politics (I was going to be a rock star...) nor did we really have much in depth discussion about much. There are a few things specifically I feel that are missing, but it's not so much that they are non-existent as I really feel like I'm limiting myself. We have a strong physical connection, we always have, there's no real problem there. Emotionally it's like we speak two different languages and in earlier years I always tried to fix everything for her because it was clear she had a harder time emotionally than I did with a lot of things - I am starting to really resent this. I want someone who can show me the respect I show them and deal with emotions, either that or I wish I could show more emotion and be less in control of my feelings so we could be in tune. Mentally, I also feel like we just don't get each other, which makes it difficult because she has self-esteem issues and when I try to discuss topics outside of her realm I get accused of trying to make her feel stupid again, I try to keep things simple or make an effort to disccus topics more in her interests but there isnt much to discuss. again, thanks for your responses - i'm surprised how much it helps just to write things out and get my thoughts ordered. I've been lurking here for quite some time.
GorillaTheater Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I don't even know, it's a vague feeling but I think it's just all the things I put up with coming to a head. There are a lot of things that I didn't even consider when we got married since we were both so young, and in my case - I'd never been around married people, let alone functionally married people. All the important things like politics, kids, work, our individual ideas about what does and does not make a good marriage - conversations we never had which really now I wish we had. When we met I didn't care much for politics (I was going to be a rock star...) nor did we really have much in depth discussion about much. There are a few things specifically I feel that are missing, but it's not so much that they are non-existent as I really feel like I'm limiting myself. We have a strong physical connection, we always have, there's no real problem there. Emotionally it's like we speak two different languages and in earlier years I always tried to fix everything for her because it was clear she had a harder time emotionally than I did with a lot of things - I am starting to really resent this. I want someone who can show me the respect I show them and deal with emotions, either that or I wish I could show more emotion and be less in control of my feelings so we could be in tune. Mentally, I also feel like we just don't get each other, which makes it difficult because she has self-esteem issues and when I try to discuss topics outside of her realm I get accused of trying to make her feel stupid again, I try to keep things simple or make an effort to disccus topics more in her interests but there isnt much to discuss. again, thanks for your responses - i'm surprised how much it helps just to write things out and get my thoughts ordered. I've been lurking here for quite some time. None of this sounds insurmountable, at least as described. But I understand and can identify with alot of what your saying. My wife and I were 19 and 21 when we married. She's a conservative evangelical Christian, I'm a semi-religious libertarian. We have completely different love languages, and some of our serious conversations are drawn out to the point of being almost painful because of our vastly different communication styles (drawn out because we both want to be clear we understand what the other one is saying and what they mean). We've been at this for 26 years. I love her to pieces even though we make each other crazy sometimes. If you make the choice to commit to your marriage, communication is the key. You don't know what she's thinking, and vice versa. Marriage counseling can help with the communication if you two can't figure it out on your own. No shame in not being able to; it's probably more common than not. I don't know man, I'm just not seeing any deal-killers in your situation. I'll stand by my original advice: 1) Commit to try to work it out. 2) Figure out what you want out of your marriage. 3) Calmly and lovingly communicate those wants to your wife and ask her to join you in getting there.
Author dd9 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I guess there are a lot of other issues here that I'm not quite sure I'm ready to table, but your advice still sounds very good. I have been committed to working it out for the last few years since we reconciled after a split. My mantra was that I am going to give this 110% so I know if it doesn't work I can't ever say I didn't try. The big question is I dont know what I want out of my marriage, I never knew and I really should. I'm hesitant to bring up a lot of things here because I don't want to just be badmouthing my wife, but there are other factors here at play.
GorillaTheater Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I'm hesitant to bring up a lot of things here because I don't want to just be badmouthing my wife, but there are other factors here at play. I understand. There always are, and I appreciate you trying to protect your wife. Four of my big relationship "needs" are sex, respect, appreciation, and sex. There have been times when I felt undersexed, disrespected, and thoroughly unappreciated. I had a choice between fuming resentment and talking it out in effort to resolve things. I opted for the former approach far too often, only to find that when we talked it out, things got better. Funny thing, my wife had unmet needs too, and all too often opted for resentment. Given enough time, resentment will kill your marriage. Talk.
solitary_man Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 i think I know where you're coming from in all this, DD9. I moved 1000 miles to be with my wife, who happened to be extremely jealous and untrusting when I first met her. She, too, applied 'marry me' pressure. No matter how many of the other bases are being covered in a marriage, love cannot exist without trust (and vice versa). How much better would it be for you if you knew your wife always had your back? That no matter what happened, she would give you the benefit of the doubt? Never getting that is a destructive force in any relationship. I'd say talk to her. But also recognize that effective communication doesn't just happen, it takes patience and diligence. I've learned that the hard way.
quankanne Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 dd – take a deep breath and know that things will be all right because you've got some fantastic options ahead of y'all. first question: Have the two of you considered counseling (actually, more like marriage enrichment sessions), where you get the tools to communicate better? I guarantee, this is the best investment you'll make as spouses, because you learn how to address issues by cutting out the BS – my husband and I went on a Marriage Encounter weekend more than a decade ago (I think it was during our 7th year together), and both of us got our eyes open because we learned that there was more stuff in common than the little niggling feelings that made us think ill of each other! second question: Are you open to reading material (online or printed)? There's a fantastic book out there that outlines the Five Languages of Love that I believe GT speaks of. In a nutshell, there's no "right" way to express your love to someone, just "different" ways, and the trick is to identify your partner's love style so that again, the BS gets dropped because you're not misreading her – or her misreading you – as you interact. I lucked out and found a copy, and it's the other best investment I've made for our marriage because I can see how differently we show our love to each other, and it's helped me to not fall into a trap of thinking "he doesn't love me because he doesn't do X, X or X" ... it's some really good stuff. it sounds to me that you've hit that part of the marriage cycle where the excitement snuck through the back window when reality was banging on the front door the best thing is, you can work through the patches as they come around (and yeah, they come around different times throughout the relationship) if you allow yourself to get the tools you need to work through those periods. And don't hesitate to address your concerns to your wife – believe me, she'd much rather hear about it now and maybe react strongly, than be blindsided by your decision to leave because you went through the thinking process all on your own and came to the conclusion of ending the marriage. you definitely owe it to yourself to do this for y'alls relationship. best of luck to you, q
Author dd9 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I had a choice between fuming resentment and talking it out in effort to resolve things. I opted for the former approach far too often, only to find that when we talked it out, things got better. I've recently decided that would take this approach, and attempt to talk things out instead of being passive aggressive, but in my situation I was met with more anger and being told to just drop it. I know she feels remorse for her actions but she isn't one to apologize. How much better would it be for you if you knew your wife always had your back? That no matter what happened, she would give you the benefit of the doubt? Never getting that is a destructive force in any relationship.I know she has my back on most things, but there are some serious trust issues she has. I know her family and previous relationships were pretty much an encyclopedia of cheaters so I'm always up against that wall
GorillaTheater Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Are you being accused of cheating, or do you suspect she is or has?
Author dd9 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Have the two of you considered counseling (actually, more like marriage enrichment sessions), where you get the tools to communicate better? We dont believe in counseling, sorry. Are you open to reading material (online or printed)? I will look for this book and give it a read! thanks. I guess at this point I should mention that we did have separation for a year before and our previous talks seem to go in a pattern where things improve for 2-4 weeks, then slowly go right back.
Author dd9 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Are you being accused of cheating, or do you suspect she is or has? She says she knows I will never cheat on her, but she treats me as if every female I work with or spend time with is a threat to our marriage, which has resulted in me having no female friends and having to go to great lengths to avoid social outings with single women.
spriggig Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 She says she knows I will never cheat on her, but she treats me as if every female I work with or spend time with is a threat to our marriage, which has resulted in me having no female friends and having to go to great lengths to avoid social outings with single women. I know her family and previous relationships were pretty much an encyclopedia of cheaters so I'm always up against that wall So, what are these "great lengths" you have to go to? Is saying "No, thank you." and going home to your wife a "great length". You don't want to exclude single women from your social circle, but her desire that you do so is a common boundary that wives set--especially wives who have been cheated on. Sounds like you're not done being single yet?
Author dd9 Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 So, what are these "great lengths" you have to go to? Is saying "No, thank you." and going home to your wife a "great length". You don't want to exclude single women from your social circle, but her desire that you do so is a common boundary that wives set--especially wives who have been cheated on. Sounds like you're not done being single yet? I've never cheated on her, and I wouldn't because I'm not a cheater. I don't have any single female friends, as I stated before. Before my marriage I didn't spend time alone with female friends. Great lengths include avoiding birthday parties for my single friends. Celebratory nights out with my mixed group of single and male friends on pickup nights (weekends) etc. Essentially - no guys nights out unless they are at someone's house. I don't think it's a common boundary.
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 No, I don't think it's common either. This degree of insecurity on her part isn't healthy for her, and these restrictions on your activities aren't healthy for you. But at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseum, the only solution is to talk it through. And frankly, if having an occasional guy's night is important to you, do it. It's not the least bit unreasonable so long as you're not picking up women. Lead the marriage.
Author dd9 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I (very uncomfortably) made time to have an honest and open conversation with my wife and we did both get a chance to lay all of our cards on the table. As it turns out she was feeling very similar to how I feel but from a different perspective. I did also read about the love languages and it highlighted what could be a very important problem in our communication. I want to thank GorillaTheater and quankanne for your suggestions - it really did help me get things in perspective and motivate me to make a very very good move. I can't say that things are going to work out for us but I can say that I feel that we are on the right path to making a fair and informed decision about our future. I still have concerns about whether she (or I) can change, but hopefully I can also resolve that to a definite answer before we make any decisions.
Recommended Posts