husband_in_progress Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Over the past few years, I've discovered that my wife has had two affairs. We went to couples counseling; which kind of helped, but I am having trouble understanding why depression would make a person cheat. It's now one year later and she recently ditched work, and then lied to me about it. She appears to have disappeared for 4 hours, but says she was home. She seemed all sweet when I got home, but her story changed when I began to ask her questions about it. Her story doesn't match the phone records, and I'm tired of the lies. Worst case is she cheated, best case is that she only lied to me. She seems to think that she is entitled to infinite "second chances"; like the movie "Ground Hog Day". I fear that she is taking my past willingness to work through her infidelity as a sign that I will accept it going forward. Is it irrational to propose a separation if I don't know for certain that she has cheated?
solitary_man Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 if she loves you she will be forthcoming and understanding. she will show remorse for her history of cheating and she will be understanding why you might suffer from a lack of trust. She would apologize and she would mean it. She would do whatever was in her power to prove to you that you and your marriage are worth fighting for. However, if the old affair is something you've held over her head, rubbed her nose in, or simply never felt like forgiving her for... it could be you I suppose?
hurt and devastated Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 First off, welcome to LS. Being a victim of a cheating wife myself, I know what you're going through and I'm sorry you're going through this again. My thought is you probably should try and get some proof, if there is any, that she is cheating on you again. It might take a little while, but it's probably going to be the only way you're going to find out what's really going on. If she is indeed cheating again, that ought to be her 3rd strike. I agree with your thinking in the respect that she believes she has a free pass to cheat on you since you've worked it out the past two times. If she's doing it yet again, I would tell her you're through. You have dealt with a lot more than you should have had to up to this point; you don't deserve to have to go through it again.
Author husband_in_progress Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I have forgiven her for her past transgressions, but I have not forgotten. I certainly have tried not to rub her nose in it, and have made a lot of personal changes that have made me (and her happier). I don't want to try to get proof. As the snooping around makes me into a person whom I do not want to be. I do have proof she lied, and wanted to know if I am being extreme to think that after sticking it out through two affairs, I am not wanting to stick through what may be just a lie. If I am constantly giving her a "pass" on all of her behavior, then at what point do I draw the line.
just_some_guy Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I don't want to try to get proof. As the snooping around makes me into a person whom I do not want to be. I do have proof she lied, and wanted to know if I am being extreme to think that after sticking it out through two affairs, I am not wanting to stick through what may be just a lie. Good for you. If I am constantly giving her a "pass" on all of her behavior, then at what point do I draw the line. When you decide you don't want to play this game anymore. When you value yourself enough that you won't allow yourself to be abused and cheated on and taken for granted.
Rifareal Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Better weigh things up. Don't blame yourself for one's fault and wake up to reality how long can you keep up from the things she's doing?
wrencn Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Depression can lead to your wife having an affair. If she is unhappy the excitement of the affair will make her feel alive. Its like those who cut themselves to feel. You don't want to be numb anymore- you would rather create drama and damn near ruin your life because the pain/drama/excitement masks the dissatisfaction with your life and yourself. Tell her she needs therapy. Meds can help her. Unless she addresses the mental illness she's going to continue run from the problem. Good luck, you are a great husband to try to work through this.
Author husband_in_progress Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 She says that she isn't depressed anymore. At least that's what she's saying. I told her as long as she tells the truth, we can work through anything. But that if the lying continues, there is no amount of work that can fix things. But her lying continues. She quickly answers her cell phone, and then deletes call log and txt msgs. In this case, she "disappeared" for 4 hours and is lying about it. I could work with her disappearance, but I don't want to force her into telling me the truth.
wrencn Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 She says that she isn't depressed anymore. At least that's what she's saying. I told her as long as she tells the truth, we can work through anything. But that if the lying continues, there is no amount of work that can fix things. But her lying continues. She quickly answers her cell phone, and then deletes call log and txt msgs. In this case, she "disappeared" for 4 hours and is lying about it. I could work with her disappearance, but I don't want to force her into telling me the truth. Having a secret life can be intoxicating. Back off for a bit and just watch her actions. Don't check up on her for a while. Did you pay attention to her when she wasn't acting sneaky?
Saxis Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Your assumptions and worst fears are most likely correct. The only remorse a woman like this feels is admitting her own guilt. Sure, she may apologize and sound sincere, but your acceptance is just another cover to make her feel good about herself. She'll see it as reconciled, and any (reasonable) doubt you play against her, in her mind, justifies what she did. She's sticking herself into a vicious circle of lies and deceit. So deep that she actually believes it herself. She's most likely out there screwing around and blaming it on you. You don't need/want this BS anymore. Broom her fast... No kids? Broom her faster! My advice is to separate and head in the direction of divorce. 6 months seems to be the magic number. In 6 months time you'll both know what you want. She'll either come crawling back after she finds out "the grass is not greener" (most likely scenario), or she'll move on. She'll probably take the separation as rejection (more blame on you) and a free pass to go screwing around with no more guilt until she does come crawling back. You'll also have two choices: when the time comes you accept what she's done and take her back (you're now a doormat that says "Welcome home!") -or- you'll see her for what she really is and be ready to move on (most likely scenario). I know it sounds like a lot of bad news. It'd be a lie to tell you there is no hope though. It's just a very slim chance. Won the lottery lately?
Phateless Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 It sounds like the trust is gone. How come you're staying in this relationship now? What are you getting out of it?
Author husband_in_progress Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 There are kids. This is a big reason why. I did back off and stop checking on her for about 6 months, more or less. When something weird happens (every few months), then I checked on that. That is how I found out about this. Certainly the trust was gone for several years. The problem is that she isn't working to rebuild it, and episodes like this evaporate any progress that we may have made.
Phateless Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 There are kids. This is a big reason why. I did back off and stop checking on her for about 6 months, more or less. When something weird happens (every few months), then I checked on that. That is how I found out about this. Certainly the trust was gone for several years. The problem is that she isn't working to rebuild it, and episodes like this evaporate any progress that we may have made. Do you worry about what kind of relationship you're modeling for your kids? I'm no trained psychologist, but to me it seems the children are better off with two separate and happy parents than a miserable couple. Besides, you deserve happiness and this woman doesn't sound like she'll change.
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