Stupid Ahole Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I have been married for 10 years and I don't really know where to start. I have lied, cheated, habitually viewed pornography and generally made my Wife's life hell. She continues to forgive me and tries to work with me on my problem. I do really love my wife and our lives together. She is the most important thing in this world to me. The thought of hurting her makes me want to hurt myself. I do not want to continue on this path. I know I need help, but I don't know where to start. I am sure that there will be comments to "man up" and some general negative comments. I deserve them, but I would also like some constructive advice as to how I can turn myself around and get right for the sake of myself, wife, and children. I know that we are probably going to divorce at this point and I can't say that it is not deserved, but either way I would like to attempt to restore my relationship with her even if it is not romantic for the sake of our children. There are always excuses that people use when they behave in a way that is not loving, thoughtful, or considerate of their spouse. I have said many of them myself, but those are all just bulls***. I know there is no excuse that justifies the pain that I have caused. I am hurting right now and I know it is deserved and the thing that hurts the most is to know how this all has affected my wife. Please advise as to ways to proceed from here.
Fight4Me Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 You may want to take this basic screening test (SAST) and see if you might have a sexual addiction problem. If you score high, seek a therapist that specializes in it since your average counselor isn't generally trained to deal with this. http://www.sexhelp.com/sast.cfm Overall, the best way to show your love and commitment to your wife and family is to become extremely proactive in getting help... no matter what it takes. Also, make yourself completely transparent, giving her access to accounts, phone records, etc. You have an uphill battle, but don't give up!
Author Stupid Ahole Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I took the screening and scored an 11. Thanks for the link. I am going to seek out a counselor that can help with sexual addiction and help me deal with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager. I am fairly confident that it can only help.
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Being willing to look at all aspects of your life. It's not easy, but it is necessary and in the end so worth it.
scatterd Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I would stop cheating and doing things that hurt her right now.If she has an idea that you have cheated you need to tell her the not knowing hurts worse. Get you both in to counseling that will help you both.It seems you are remorseful which is good that means you care and want to do whats right. She needs to know she can trust you in the future and that you love her.she has been there for you be there for her.If she has any Idea you have cheated and continue to lie she Will have a hard time trusting you.Woman need to know they are loved,respected and appreciated.Let her know how deep you feel for her stop all the bad you have done take her out and communicate do to her as you would want a man to do by your daughter.Life is too short enjoy your life with her nurture your Marriage it takes work but is rewarding in a big way also.I wish you you all well
Dexter Morgan Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I think its going to take her taking the kids and leaving you. a separation. you'll either be like a kid in a candy store and see this as freedom and a green light to do more of the same or it will make you realize what you have to lose. so hopefully she leaves you. I'd prefer for good, but if its just temporary, maybe it will wake your ass up.
Fight4Me Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I took the screening and scored an 11. Thanks for the link. I am going to seek out a counselor that can help with sexual addiction and help me deal with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager. I am fairly confident that it can only help. Sometimes, just having a direction in which to go can bring so much hope for change. Just don't slack off on this. Many people, when they feel desperate will look for help, but then decide very quickly they don't need/want it after all. Make sure that you make that call TODAY! Check back with us so we know how you're doing, or if you need a smack upside the head. Also, you may wish to look into cognitive/behavioral therapy as there is probably an element of obsessive/compulsive behavior in what you are doing. Many sexual behaviors are compulsions, so much so that the "sex addict" is literally harming themselves physically, in some cases. So, I agree with vestigalvirgin, and is something worth discussing with your therapist.
Author Stupid Ahole Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 After some discussion with my wife she has informed me that we are going to continue to live in the same house until are kids are grown. She has said that we are not going to be together though. I know that she is hurting right now and that is her current frame of mind. I was wondering if I should just stay clear of my wife and allow her some time to process everything. I want to mend our relationship but am concerned of the possible effect on our children if we do not get to a place in which we can go forward together in the same home. Am I wrong in staying clear of my wife and starting the process of working on my flaws, while in the same home. Or is the responsible thing to do actually leave causing great fallout for my children but allowing them to begin the process of adjusting. I understand that I am a complete bastard and should not have put my family in this position, but I want to begin now putting others needs ahead my own desires. My primary concern is if whether or not to stay without the option of reconciliation with my wife could cause more harm than separating now for my children.
aerogurl87 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I have been married for 10 years and I don't really know where to start. I have lied, cheated, habitually viewed pornography and generally made my Wife's life hell. She continues to forgive me and tries to work with me on my problem. I do really love my wife and our lives together. You really don't love your wife at this point. Love doesn't behave this way, or at least you don't love her in the manner a husband should love his wife. Love is respectful, faithful, and true. You've been none of the above, so let's just get that outta the way. She is the most important thing in this world to me. The thought of hurting her makes me want to hurt myself. I do not want to continue on this path. No at this point YOU are the most important thing in the world to yourself. Cheating and lying are selfish behaivours. If she was important you would've never done these things. There is a reason why the Bible says to treat your wife as your own flesh, even if you don't ascribe to it as a basis for life, it has some good info in it. But I digress, if you would've treated herself as yourself you would've never done these things because no one in their right mind would want to willfully do something to hurt themselves. But yes you do need a professional help to get your mind on the right track. I would like to attempt to restore my relationship with her even if it is not romantic for the sake of our children. So you're not really doing this for your wife per say, just the sake of the children? Or is it for appearance purposes? If either of the latter are correct, what you need to do is let your wife move out and move on with her life and find a way to raise them separately but cordially. No child wants to grow up seeing their parents live together and act like complete strangers. I'm trying to drill this into my sister's head at the moment because from an outside perspective I can see the bad effects it's having on my nephew. So if you don't really care if you get her back romantically, let her go. No one wants to live a shell of a life.
Author Stupid Ahole Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I actually do desire a romantic relationship with my wife. My question is simply should I stay and pray that over time her desire for me will return through marked changes within my attitude, behavior, and actions as witnessed by her. I am obviously a poor decision maker and I am simply seeking other peoples opinions so I can hopefully proceed correctly from here. I am aware of what the bible teaches but I have not practiced my faith up to this point in my life. And my wifes faith has been destroyed as a result of my actions. I understand that many people will post responses from a position of anger, but I definitely appreciate those responses due to the insight it gives to what my wife is feeling. Thank to all for your words even when they are hard to read.
Disintegration Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I know you are hurting right now but I'm pretty sure your wife is feeling even worse. You have to not make this about you. She is the one that has been betrayed and it's good that you are realizing that now and wanting to change and do what is right. Giving her time and space is good, but if you really want to continue to be with her and make your marriage work you have to tackle your issues head on and not run from them. She may want to be alone for some time to clear her head and take everything all in to make the best decisions. Definitely make the initiative and get counseling. Maybe that is what she is hoping for, for you to try and repair what has been destroyed. You have to do everything in your power to make things right again. Atleast give it a try. I think it is going to be awfully difficult to live in the same house yet not be together. I understand staying for your children but your wife also needs to feel comfortable too. What's a marriage without love? It may be beneficial just to end it and divorce, or get a separation in the meantime. It's going to take a lot for her to feel whole again from the hurt you've delivered. I know right now she is in a really bad place, and if you really want to help, go above and beyond to fix this. Best of luck to you.
hopesndreams Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Please leave her already. She's suffered enough. Life is too short for her to never get to experience what real love is.
Karma24 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 ...but I would also like some constructive advice as to how I can turn myself around and get right for the sake of myself, wife, and children. . Honestly, I don't think you can. It seems that you're trying to "solve" something with no solution...that is, you can't and won't feel something for your wife that isn't there. Your desire to make things work is just torturing this woman. Take responsibility by letting her go. My feeling is that she's only hanging in there because you insist on making it work. The question you should be asking yourself is; why do I think that I want this to work when my actions show the complete opposite? You know the answer. You just have to admit it to yourself.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I took the screening and scored an 11. Thanks for the link. I am going to seek out a counselor that can help with sexual addiction and help me deal with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager. I am fairly confident that it can only help. Talk to your wife. Tell her that you are in the process of getting help. That you're going to work on you so you'll be a better husband, a better family man. I am sorry to hear you were sexually abused when younger. Therapy will help.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Focus on being a good father and work on you. Allow your wife time and space to work through her own feelings. Right now she's hurt, angry and has no trust in you. In time, with the help of therapy, she'll see the changes in you and hopefully she'll give you another chance at some point.
wannagocamping Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I took the screening and scored an 11. Thanks for the link. I am going to seek out a counselor that can help with sexual addiction and help me deal with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager. I am fairly confident that it can only help. I found a book called the Porn Trap to be vital in my recovery... I would recommend it to anyone who has come to the realization that they have an addiction to Porn and who wants to regain control od their lives... I. Found this book much more helpful than my therapist... I also have a history of sexual abuse (pre-teen), while my therapist has not been very good with the topic (she seems uncomfortable, maybe it is just me) she helped me to draw ties between my porn addiction and my sexual abuse. I wish you the best of luck with your recovery... I pray it can help you with this marriage, but if it is too late, continue to heal yourself as it will surely help you in subsequent relationships.
Spark1111 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Start today. Right now. Be a better man NOW. Keep apologizing and make it more than "I'm sorry I hurt you." List the ways you have hurt her and why it was so wrong. Get into counseling for yourself, and ask her, when she is ready, to join you in marriage counseling. Get rid of the porn viewing today! For some men, it affects their brain chemistry like a drug addict, and like an addict, it desensitizes them emotionally to their partner. For women seeking that oh-so important emotinal bonding with the man they love, there is NOTHING lonelier and less satisfying than your lover constantly initiating "porn sex." We want "I love You!" in your touch and we know the difference. Tell her all the ways your cherish her. Good Luck to you.
chanbre Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Please, read my own thread, I am the same as your wife. I have suffered from the same from my own partner.....you could be him from the description of what you have done. Start today. Right now. Be a better man NOW. Keep apologizing and make it more than "I'm sorry I hurt you." List the ways you have hurt her and why it was so wrong. Get into counseling for yourself, and ask her, when she is ready, to join you in marriage counseling. This is very important if you want to salvage and repair even the smallest piece of your relationship. If you look at yourself as an addict then it will make it easier. Compare it to an alcoholic.....if you were trying to give up alcohol would you go to the pub. Would you go to a party? If you were going to would you go with friends that would encourage you to drink. It's just the same for someone on the internet. I have tried to say this to my partner, and he never went that extra mile to change. He said he wanted to make this work but also went back to the internet. He says he can't help it. Well you need to get rid of the internet just as an alcoholic who is giving up you won't go to the pub where alcohol is so easy to get, then you can't go on the computer or online. I would recommend getting rid of the internet completely. Show her you are serious. And commit to being with her, when you feel the need to access the computer, go and look at her and remember why you can't go on. Tell her you are struggling because it is normal, but don't lie ever again to her. My biggest issue was with him lying. We should have been able to deal with the problem, but he couldn't stop lying about it, even when he knows I knew. If my man did what the above quote said, which he never has I would listen to him. But when he says I'm sorry I hurt you over and over again...it means nothing. Sorry means I'm sorry I hurt you and I understand these are the reasons why you are hurt (and acknowledge and take ownership of the cause) and it also puts forward a promise that I am not going to do that thing that caused you so much pain ever again. If I do, I am not sorry, and I am hurting you intentially. Do you want to do that, I don't think so. You sound so much like him......please get help before she does leave you....and honestly don't be surprised if you get further apart before you get closer....she is hurting and you need to give her time to learn to trust you again.
Recommended Posts