Anonymous emails from a 'friend'!! - him or her???

[dancingqueen]

This is such a weird tangled story ...

In my forties, married for over 20 years, teenage kids, comfortable life, comfortable marriage. Over two years ago was unhappy about certain things in my marriage ie. husbands heavy social drinking, lack of care about his appearance (17 plus stone) and taking me for granted. Sadly didn't communicate this well enough to him.

 

Went on holiday with two families and one of my husband's friends - F - made subtle but persistent non-verbal approaches to me leaving me in no doubt he was interested in me. I found him attractive and foolishly responded via texts to which he didn't reply.

 

I confronted him via phone to challenge him over what his behaviour had been about and he denied it initially then said it had been 'subconscious'. He then went on during our conversation to discuss in some detail his unhappy marriage (he previously had an affair) and how he didn't find his wife attractive etc. He readily agreed not to tell anyone about our discussion.

 

My husband, R, quickly found out about the texts and phone call and I told him the truth about them but my husband didn't challenge F until some months later. During those months this F initiated regular contact with my husband and was always 'prying' into what was going on in our marriage.

 

Our marriage had been under considerable strain and I had admitted to having feelings for F when my husband asked me to be truthful about my feelings and about the situation. However my husband and I were honest and open and tried to work things out.

 

I saw F a couple of times at social occasions and he made a few more subtle signals to me - but all very deniable if challenged. When my husband did confront F he denied everything and said it was all in my head (I was delusional!) My husband told F that I had feelings for him(! ouch) and was confused by his behaviour. I spoke to F - with my husband's agreement and he took me to lunch - and he again referred to his behaviour as 'subconscious' and said 'don't read anything into this but I do find you very attractive. We are very alike in that we don't find our partners attractive'.

 

Shortly after my husband told others of the situation because there was another holiday planned. F was forced to tell his wife what had happened. I had no contact with her as I heard through the social grapevine that she was upset with me but was philosophical and thought it was all 'a bit silly'.

Then:sick:..

Two anonymous emails - from an account ****sfriendxx to an email address of mine that only few people would know - F being one of them although he wouldn't have known it was a little used address. These are the emails - no 1

 

'It's not easy to write it anonymously. But for all the right reasons I have decided it's for the best. You are a dear friend of mine and I simply can't stay unmoved and silent about what is happening in your life. I've decided to speak out. *** please, think of what you're doing. There is so much at stake: the family, children, to name just the most important ones.

 

I am sure you love R, and your infatuation with F is only but temporary, unfortunately no one is winning while it lasts. You need to come back to reality, while it's still possible. You can obviously carry on fooling yourself that he will love you or care about you the way R does, meanwhile R will realize what a selfish, heartless woman you are and there will be no turning back.

 

I don't think you want that. Do you?

 

Open your eyes and start appreciating what you've got. Leave alone what you can't have. It's not too late…yet.

 

Your Friend'

I was devastated - world fell apart - couldn't trust anyone - I sent a reply - basically saying this is between me and my husband - I am not 'doing anything' - we will work things out - butt out!

Then two weeks later email no 2

'I'm sorry I've delayed my answer for some time now. I needed time to re-think what I have said to you in my first email.

 

Also I didn't think it was appropriate to carry on writing to you as disturbing emails are probably the last thing you need right now. Your latest email proved I was right.

 

I have been pondering over what I've told you and in the meantime also spoke to R, which is why I've decided to write again.

 

I was very wrong. He is definitely not the right person for you. I was very disappointed to learn the things I have learnt. R is thoroughly confused and emotionally unbalanced man struggling to cope with a midlife crisis and moral choices to say the least (have you seen the earring?).

 

 

It suddenly all made sense i.e. your decision to pursue happiness elsewhere. I think you have right to rearrange your life the way you want to and you should go for it. You are right life is too short to remain in an unsatisfying relationship.

 

R has definitely moved on, although he doesn't know it yet, and so should you. There are plenty of unsecure losers around so it's not like your options are closed.

 

I think it's best if my name remains unknown, focus on what's important right now and that is not my identity.

I'm on your side believe it or not.

Take care.'

Total mental torture ensued along with depression andI was in a really bad state. I had doubts about everyone even my husband. I confronted F about them after a couple of months but he denied knowing anything about them at all and said 'if I was a suspicious person I would point the finger at A (his wife!!) He then mentioned it might be her another 4 times and said he would ask her for me.

 

He asked me about my marriage again and seemed keen to try and get information as to whether we had decided to separate. My husband and I had talked of separation over this time for various reasons.

Try as I might I can't get a handle as to what these emails were about - some people say it was his wife, most say it was him but no-one has a good explanation.

 

If it was his wife it would have had to have been in collusion with F - for various reasons I know she could not have done them on her own - she didn't have all the information. We have had no contact with F and his wife since last summer basically because his wife threw things back in my face when I emailed her to apologise for my part in the original episode. She sent me a horrid email (not anonymous) slagging off me and my husband. She stated that both she and F were really mad at us and demanded we apologise. My husband has resolved not to speak to F.

 

The situation and the emails haunt me - F has never told the truth to me or anyone about his behaviour back in the beginning. Neither he nor his wife have admitted to sending the emails and I can't work out the motivation behind them. I still hear about him and know I have to face him again- our social/business circles mean it will happen at some point. I don't understand it.

 

Can't get my head around it. I still have feelings for F - ridiculous given what's happened and from a unemotional point of view I have a really low opinion of him. This story has much much more detail - just too much to put down here all at once... I just would so like some answers..

[dancingqueen]

I suggest you seek out individual counseling as to why you are spending all this energy on a real or perhaps imagined extra marital friendship with an unavailable man, as opposed to resolving the serious relationship issues in your own marriage.

 

Expending your energy and emotions this way is a form of distraction, an escape from dealing with the reality of the difficult issues in your own marriage.

 

Thanks for this. I have expended alot of energy on individual counselling and also in addressing the issues in my marriage - which both of us have worked hard at.....and succeeded in keeping things working. I have always recognised what the priorities were. That was not the point of my story. If it's always just a case of 'put up and shut up' -what is the point of these forums:confused:???

[2sure]

It was his wife. Her H was friendly to you, possibly even flirted with you.

He did not respond to your attentions via texts, he told her about this, and it seems his pleasant conversations with you have been taken to far. By you.

 

Her anonymous email sounded like she felt bad for you but did not want to embarrass you.

 

Your response was not what she expected and the second email was sarcastic and spiteful. She is irritated that you think there was something between you and her H. When there wasnt. She is irritated that something so small has now become an issue to be discussed not just among those involved but apparently others as well.

[Jilly Bean]

Dancing Queen - it sounds like you manifested all of this in your head. Is that a possibility?

 

I mean, F never verbalized any kind of interest. You said you started texting him, to which he never replied, after his "subtle but persistent non-verbal approaches" (which I don't understand).

 

You then seem like you carried on with this, confronting him on his non-verbal activities, to which he denied doing anything to encourage you.

 

So, is it possible you imagined all of this as an escape from your unhappy marriage?

[dancingqueen]

It was his wife. Her H was friendly to you, possibly even flirted with you.

He did not respond to your attentions via texts, he told her about this, and it seems his pleasant conversations with you have been taken to far. By you.

 

Her anonymous email sounded like she felt bad for you but did not want to embarrass you.

 

Your response was not what she expected and the second email was sarcastic and spiteful. She is irritated that you think there was something between you and her H. When there wasnt. She is irritated that something so small has now become an issue to be discussed not just among those involved but apparently others as well.

 

Thanks for this. My H would certainly not agree that this was something 'so small' and also that the conversations I had with F were just 'pleasant' from his perspective. It also kind of disregards the confusion and discontentment that my H experienced in his interactions with F following the initial events.

 

I can see your suggestion that she 'did not want to embarrass me' but I just don't know what type of person would think that to send something anonymously was acting magnanimously and being 'considerate'. And why then was he so insistent on pinning the blame on her??

 

There are no answers obviously but it also seems like there despite having searched and researched I can't find anyone with a similar experience.

[dancingqueen]

Dancing Queen - it sounds like you manifested all of this in your head. Is that a possibility?

 

I mean, F never verbalized any kind of interest. You said you started texting him, to which he never replied, after his "subtle but persistent non-verbal approaches" (which I don't understand).

 

You then seem like you carried on with this, confronting him on his non-verbal activities, to which he denied doing anything to encourage you.

 

So, is it possible you imagined all of this as an escape from your unhappy marriage?

 

Jilly Bean - anyone who knows me will agree that I am not the sort of person to 'make up' or imagine things. Indeed this was so far out of my experience that I spent months 'trying to believe' F's version of events which involved counselling and endless soul-searching. When I told my H in detail what had happened there was no doubt in his mind and this was only cemented when he confronted F. He knew he was lying and he was angry with him. F's only argument was to say it hadn't happened. My H told the story for his own reasons.

 

Non-verbal signals can be as powerful if not more so than verbal ones. I was not suggesting to F that I knew 'why' he had acted like that I merely challenged him because I knew he had made a point of - 'giving me a bit of a come on'. Anyone who knows both me and F knows that he didn't do 'nothing'. It is as I said a complicated story and my reason for posting really was to share the experience and see if anyone had a similar one or some insight.

 

There is no doubt that to get over it and deal with my own relationship is the priority. I am dealing with this. I understand this.

 

My marriage was not 'unhappy' per se although it had issues which hadn't been properly addressed. This experience came upon me, I made a bad choice and I was wrong. I admitted it and explained it. I can't own it anymore than that. F has owned 'nothing'. But it seems even here behaviour can be quickly distanced from - even through cyberspace..