locamia Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I noticed there are a ton of threads about sexless marriages but you only ever hear from the the one being deprived of sex, not the one doing the witholding. I guess it makes sense, the low-libido partner doesn't see it as a problem so they're not on LS looking for answers. Well I am the low-libido wife, and I DO have a problem with it. Been kinda bored with life lately and stuck in a funk so I'm trying to work on my issues. I've had very little sex drive for 7 years now, started soon after my 1st child was born and got worse after my twins. Before kids I thought about it and wanted it constantly. I miss that feeling. It occured to me that I only had 3 years of being horny..how depressing. Normal frequency was 1x/wk until recently when I've been trying to spice things up and get myself in the mood more often so it's been 2-3x's/wk. But this is not effortless like it is for my H. He would be happy with daily where I could easily go 2 wks or more. I even started looking at porn to get myself in the mood and gave myself a mini-makeover and got some lingerie which has made me feel sexier. But I wanna get to the root of why I have to force these feelings and why they don't come naturally anymore? I know I am stressed out all the time from the kids but I'm starting to wonder if this has anything to do with it. There are plenty of horny women out there that have much more stress in their lives than I do I'm sure. By the way I am pretty positive my lack of desire for sex has absolutely nothing to do with my husband, which makes it even more frustrating. I want to want him. Every day when I look at him I think about how damn hot and sexy he is. Physically he is everything I like-tall, muscular, tattooed.. gorgeous to me. He's very masculine, definitely alpha male. He is a great husband. I know no one is perfect but he is definitely my perfect match. And the sex is great. He is truly more concerned with me in bed than himself, very eager to please and our preferences are almost identical. It's become kinda porn star but we both like it that way. So why? Is there anyone out there that has cared enough about their lack of desire to figure out why it is so? I would love some ideas of what else I can do.
choosinghappiness Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Hi locamia, Sounds to me like you need to try to take a step back from your life and try to figure out what is really bothering you. There is something that is making you feel that way and until you figure that out there is not much else you can do. Would it be possible for you to take a weekend trip with the girls to the spa or something? If you can get away from the stress and clear your head you may see things a little differently. The other thought is maybe subconciously you are bored with the sex you are having - have you thought of trying something new? It may be working for you for now, but maybe changing it up will make a difference. Lastly, I just wanted to say thanks for your post - you are right we don't hear much from the other side. Good luck!
crazycatlady Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Have you been to a doctor to make sue that physically you are healthy? That would be my first step. And its an important one. Second step for me would be all day sex. No I don't mean going at it all day, but build it up all day. I make a point of thinking about it. You say your H does everything for you in bed, well one day spend it thinking about what you want to do to him in bed (or what you want him to do to you if that is both of your favorite) and text each other throughout the day what you want to do. For me when I don't feel in the mood, talking about it, thinking about it, really helps. Masterbate during the day, read some sexy stories get in the mood, and masterbate. For some women the more sex they have the more they want it. Kinda a use it or lose it type of thing. Also try exercise. limit alcohol, be careful with the porn - while I've used it for short term lack of interest, it can be addictive when you use it as a crutch like that. CCL
solitary_man Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 my experience: the libidos of men and women work differently. while the flame is new, it's easy for a few sparks to ignite a huge fire. As time goes on it remains a physical thing for most men and turns into an emotional thing for most women. From your post it sounds like you do a lot of work to put yourself in the mood. I've gotta say I admire that. But what is he doing during that time? You guys date? Do mushy stuff? Is there any build up to sex, or is it just a matter of throwing on the rubber sheets and getting busy? If that's all it is, there's a good chance your needs aren't being met. not to blame him entirely... it's your responsibility to know your own needs. *most* women need to feel safe and find the build up and post-sex cuddling to be even more important than the act itself. Not saying that's you, but it might be something to think about if you haven't already.
Elizabeth.k Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I have a very similar situation myself. I too want to be turned on by my man, but don't quite know when or how to be aroused anymore. I Love my husband, and think he's sexy, but I just am not in the mood anymore. The way it is now I could be happy to not have sex again, it just has turned into such a chore seemingly because I can't really get in the mood for it most of the time. I put in amazing effort when we make love, but just feel unsatisfied. I think it is most likely due to a hormone imbalance, stress, and state of mind. I agree that we both need to talk to our doctor and see if there are any solutions to boost estrogen and libido. Please let me know what, works for you so I may save that aspect of my life as well.
Green Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 If you are having sex with him on a once a week regular basis that doesn't sound to bad... especialy if you aren't just laying there like a dead fish asking "are you almost done yet." I don't necesarily think there is anything that will fix you other then CHEATING or something like that. (hopefuly you stick with your H)
xxoo Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Have you and your H had a chance to spend a weekend alone since becoming parents? We haven't, so I don't assume that is an easy thing to do, but I wonder how differently your body and mind would respond if you were in a hotel, no kids, ordering room service, wearing nothing but fluffy robes? Other than that (can't do that all the time, but it might be a confidence boost), I agree with the suggestions above: see a dr, think about sex, masturbate, read/watch things that are sexy to you (not nec watching sex/porn, but more things that get you thinking about sex).
Author locamia Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Thanks to all for the input. choosinghappiness- I agree I need to figure out what is bothering me. All of my issues seem to be surfacing at the same time and I can't make any sense of any of them. Is it possible to have a midlife crises at 31!? Time away to clear my head would help but is pretty unlikely with the kids. Bored with life- definitely, bored with the sex- I don't think I am. Yes it's been with the same person for 10 years but it's still good and we manage to change it up as much as we can. We even had sex on the patio the other day and ended up in the kitchen over the counter You would think good sex would make me want to have more of it..sigh CCL- Haven't been to Dr. but now wondering if hormones could be the culprit because it just feels like my horny switch has been turned off. I try to think about sex throughout the day but feel like even when my mind is on it my body is not reacting. Plus I'm afraid to sext him because if I can't get myself there he will come home expecting to get laid. solitaryman- You definitely makes sense. If nothing I've tried is helping could it be something on his end? He has noticed my efforts and asked if there's anything he can do, problem is- I don't know. As far as build up to sex, this pretty much consists of him groping me all day long. I kinda like this because I'm somewhat insecure so it's a constant reminder of how sexy I am to him. But is he too available? Not sure. At one point he actually stopped sexual advances to see what would happen (w/out my prior knowledge) and we ended up going 3 wks without sex, I barely even noticed. Most of the sex we have is just because I don't ever want him to feel rejected. I hate this. And I hate that he knows this. He's accepted it without arguement and never 'asks' me for sex, it's just known when I'm ready he is. He's affectionate, but not mushy or romantic. I've told him maybe a little romance would help , but I don't think he knows how to be so nothings changed there. Maybe even doing things around the house or with the kids would help. I just don't want to fool myself or him into thinking doing any of these things will ignite my sex drive. Most seem like separate issues. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like he just floats thru our home life (works his ass off at work) without putting much effort into anything (other than sex). I would love for him to be gung ho about trying different things to help get me out of this funk. I'm making an effort why shouldn't he. elizabethk- I hear ya on the chore thing. When you're not in the mood it can easily become one more person that needs to be taken care of. I will let you know any findings from the doctor or anything else that helps and please do the same! green- Nowhere near a dead fish but 1x/wk IS bad when he wants it daily. Cheating is not even in my vocabulary. xxoo- Great advice, as usual! Yes we do go to my parents' vaca home once a yr for the weekend and when we do its like we're honeymooners all over again. I don't know if the stress at home is whats killing my libido because most people have stressful lives, but it is much easier to get in the mood when your mind and body are relaxed and open to it. Maybe another vaca is in order
crazycatlady Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Do you get out any when he gets home? One of the things that helped me get my sex drive back after my second child was getting out once a week for "me" time. My H had encouraged me to do it for years before I finally did. I would go to the library, pick out some books, go to dinner by myself, get to eat food hot without having to stop and help someone else. And my body was all my own for those hours. No kids grabbing me, no hubby grabbing me (though getting grabbed helped me realize he still wanted me) and just for several hours, I had just me to worry about. Sure I had to pay for dinner, but I was borrowing the books at least. At a later time I took a weekly class in something I were interested in. If getting away helps, maybe it would help for a short one. CCL
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I'm also thinking Zinc and vitamin E Oil of evening primrose, or sage tea (yes the herb) would be a help. These all help the female libido, particularly the zinc. See your doctor about a hormone imbalance, but also a vitamin/mineral deficiency....
mem11363 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Loc, - How healthy is your overall lifestyle - diet, exercise, sleep? - Have you tried either of the following approaches for letting him get you in the mood even when you start out not really feeling much: 1. A playful but genuine wrestling match? You can make rules - like he can only use one arm if he has a big strength/weight advantage. Conflict is very closely linked to passion - much more so than people like to think. 2. A back and neck massage to get you relaxed, followed by a leg/butt massage to get you hot. If that doesn't work there are possibly other "hot" spots for you that might surprise you. Some people get very aroused by being massaged in the palms of their hands and the soles of their feet. Others find a mouth massage really hot - the other person gently does your lips, then they slide their finger into your mouth and massage gums and palate - lots of nerves = lots of potential to get you wound up. In general does he use his body to overpower you in a playful way? IME men get aroused by looking, women sometimes get more aroused by the man actually using his muscle to dominate. Thanks to all for the input. choosinghappiness- I agree I need to figure out what is bothering me. All of my issues seem to be surfacing at the same time and I can't make any sense of any of them. Is it possible to have a midlife crises at 31!? Time away to clear my head would help but is pretty unlikely with the kids. Bored with life- definitely, bored with the sex- I don't think I am. Yes it's been with the same person for 10 years but it's still good and we manage to change it up as much as we can. We even had sex on the patio the other day and ended up in the kitchen over the counter You would think good sex would make me want to have more of it..sigh CCL- Haven't been to Dr. but now wondering if hormones could be the culprit because it just feels like my horny switch has been turned off. I try to think about sex throughout the day but feel like even when my mind is on it my body is not reacting. Plus I'm afraid to sext him because if I can't get myself there he will come home expecting to get laid. solitaryman- You definitely makes sense. If nothing I've tried is helping could it be something on his end? He has noticed my efforts and asked if there's anything he can do, problem is- I don't know. As far as build up to sex, this pretty much consists of him groping me all day long. I kinda like this because I'm somewhat insecure so it's a constant reminder of how sexy I am to him. But is he too available? Not sure. At one point he actually stopped sexual advances to see what would happen (w/out my prior knowledge) and we ended up going 3 wks without sex, I barely even noticed. Most of the sex we have is just because I don't ever want him to feel rejected. I hate this. And I hate that he knows this. He's accepted it without arguement and never 'asks' me for sex, it's just known when I'm ready he is. He's affectionate, but not mushy or romantic. I've told him maybe a little romance would help , but I don't think he knows how to be so nothings changed there. Maybe even doing things around the house or with the kids would help. I just don't want to fool myself or him into thinking doing any of these things will ignite my sex drive. Most seem like separate issues. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like he just floats thru our home life (works his ass off at work) without putting much effort into anything (other than sex). I would love for him to be gung ho about trying different things to help get me out of this funk. I'm making an effort why shouldn't he. elizabethk- I hear ya on the chore thing. When you're not in the mood it can easily become one more person that needs to be taken care of. I will let you know any findings from the doctor or anything else that helps and please do the same! green- Nowhere near a dead fish but 1x/wk IS bad when he wants it daily. Cheating is not even in my vocabulary. xxoo- Great advice, as usual! Yes we do go to my parents' vaca home once a yr for the weekend and when we do its like we're honeymooners all over again. I don't know if the stress at home is whats killing my libido because most people have stressful lives, but it is much easier to get in the mood when your mind and body are relaxed and open to it. Maybe another vaca is in order
Green Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 My guess is this is just the way you are. If you got into a new relationship there would no doubt be a honey moon phase but then you would be right back to where you are now. Some men don't really like sex and are find with doing it only a very few times a year... My opinion is if you are having sex with him on a very regular weekly basis and heck even spicing it up with doing it twice a week every once and a while... And if you are participating in the sex and at least acting like you enjoy it... then I would be fine with that. Where I would run into problems is if I was married to some one who it wasn't any big deal to go over a week with out sex... and that when ever we did have sex it was something I felt guilty about because she would ask questions like "almost done yet" while just laying ther... that is the nightmare scenario.
Author locamia Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 tara- Went to Dr. today for blood test to check thyroid and hormone levels. Anxious to see what results will be, will let you guys know when I do. He suggested in the meantime trying a DHEA supplement. Will hafta try this and some of your suggestions, I was actually planning to ask if anyone had any ideas of herbal remedies/supplements. I think I even have some of those things in the house already! CCL- Get out often when he gets home but it's only ever to run errands. Have so much on my mind lately would love some time to myself AWAY from home so I dont end up watching tv or on here Always just felt kinda bad asking though, he doesnt get out so why should I kinda thing. mem- Nowhere near healthy lifestyle. Never dieted or exercised in my life. I've always been naturally very thin so I've never needed to and taken full advantage of this. Definitely don't get enough sleep either. Been a night owl as long as I can remember. Exhausted throughout the day but after I put the kids to bed I just never want to go to bed. LS isn't helping either. I literally kick myself every morning. All of these things, combined with my not-so-mid-life crises:laugh:, have been weighing on me lately though. Kinda working towards a total lifestyle change to get my spirits up, just have to build up the motivation to do it. LOVE the wrestling idea. I think I just got a little tingle just thinking about competing with those big strong arms of his . In the bedroom I've always liked him to be rough and aggressive, throw me around, etc. but never thought of rolling around with him in a playful way beforehand. Trying this one asap. Massages are always a turn on we just dont do it often enough. Usually only have a limited amount of time at night. Once on one of our weekend getaways we did this covered in baby oil and it got us both really worked up. You think it would be a bit too presumptuous to print this thread and leave it on his nightstand? green- Had another long sex talk with hubby the other night. He actually asked me if it bothers me that he is the 1st and only guy I will ever have sex with. He's never asked me anything like this before. He's a pretty secure and confident person so it really caught me off guard. Told him absolutely not. We may not have similar drive but we are very compatible in the bedroom. Also he's very understanding, doesnt blame me, and is grateful for all the 'spiciness' and extra effort on my part. I'm pretty sure my issues would be much worse after time with anyone else. My heart breaks for the men out there who have to hear 'are you done yet' from their wives. That will never be me. I may feel that way once in a while but he will never know it. Leaving tomorrow for vaca for a week. The kids will be with us but I'm hoping to atleast get a little extra time to try out some new ideas..thanks all!
mem11363 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Loc, I actually think you could have a much more frequent sex life - and overall more intensely bonded marriage. You HAVE to be more disciplined about sleep. I am also a night owl. If I go to sleep right after sex - I get a good nights rest. If I get up and do stuff then I wake up and stay up too late. Part of being mature is realizing that going to bed early tonight means feeling good ALL DAY tomorrow AND having the energy for a good long session. I have never understood the quickie thing. Maybe had 5-10 quickies in 21 years together. If we don't have AT LEAST an hour to play - I wait until later. You / he might be surprised what happens he comes up behind you and firmly pins you against the wall of the kitchen with his full body pressed against yours and quietly says - "later when I am tearing your clothes off - don't bother to protest - it isn't going to change what I do to you at all." And then ideally he shuts off the "sex vibe" until you close the bedroom door later. Intensity - indifference - connection. tara- Went to Dr. today for blood test to check thyroid and hormone levels. Anxious to see what results will be, will let you guys know when I do. He suggested in the meantime trying a DHEA supplement. Will hafta try this and some of your suggestions, I was actually planning to ask if anyone had any ideas of herbal remedies/supplements. I think I even have some of those things in the house already! CCL- Get out often when he gets home but it's only ever to run errands. Have so much on my mind lately would love some time to myself AWAY from home so I dont end up watching tv or on here Always just felt kinda bad asking though, he doesnt get out so why should I kinda thing. mem- Nowhere near healthy lifestyle. Never dieted or exercised in my life. I've always been naturally very thin so I've never needed to and taken full advantage of this. Definitely don't get enough sleep either. Been a night owl as long as I can remember. Exhausted throughout the day but after I put the kids to bed I just never want to go to bed. LS isn't helping either. I literally kick myself every morning. All of these things, combined with my not-so-mid-life crises:laugh:, have been weighing on me lately though. Kinda working towards a total lifestyle change to get my spirits up, just have to build up the motivation to do it. LOVE the wrestling idea. I think I just got a little tingle just thinking about competing with those big strong arms of his . In the bedroom I've always liked him to be rough and aggressive, throw me around, etc. but never thought of rolling around with him in a playful way beforehand. Trying this one asap. Massages are always a turn on we just dont do it often enough. Usually only have a limited amount of time at night. Once on one of our weekend getaways we did this covered in baby oil and it got us both really worked up. You think it would be a bit too presumptuous to print this thread and leave it on his nightstand? green- Had another long sex talk with hubby the other night. He actually asked me if it bothers me that he is the 1st and only guy I will ever have sex with. He's never asked me anything like this before. He's a pretty secure and confident person so it really caught me off guard. Told him absolutely not. We may not have similar drive but we are very compatible in the bedroom. Also he's very understanding, doesnt blame me, and is grateful for all the 'spiciness' and extra effort on my part. I'm pretty sure my issues would be much worse after time with anyone else. My heart breaks for the men out there who have to hear 'are you done yet' from their wives. That will never be me. I may feel that way once in a while but he will never know it. Leaving tomorrow for vaca for a week. The kids will be with us but I'm hoping to atleast get a little extra time to try out some new ideas..thanks all!
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