solitary confinement

[solitary_man]

hi... i'm new. I'm severely confused as to where I go from here. If nothing else I suppose it's nice to know I'm not entirely alone in this.

 

some of you probably aren't going to like me much. Especially the people who have recently been left by their spouse. I know this because I used to be one of you. I still am. My first wife walked out on me after almost 7 years of marriage. left me for a "friend" of mine. Now she lives a half-state away and is a single mom with a little girl. The little girl isn't mine, but still kinda feels like the one we were supposed to have, a lifetime ago. I've never seen her... not sure how I'd react if I did.

 

I know the dark, lonely place you find yourself in when the one person you love more than anyone else abandons you. That's probably why walking out on my second wife was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.

 

I don't much like myself right now. Oh... I suppose I should clarify, I left my wife to be by myself. There has never been anyone else. I never allowed myself to have opposite-sex friends because I learned (the hard way) what that leads to. I've been (and continue to be) careful with my heart. I am the heart nazi.

 

Being left for someone else is horrible, but how much harder must it be for my wife to know I left simply because I couldn't handle being with her any more? When my ex left me for the OM, I at least had closure. I had a way to shut my feelings off. I had to discover the betrayal for myself, but at least that made it final to me.

 

My wife is just sitting there, waiting for me to change my mind. Doing everything she can to be a better person. To fix all the things that pushed me away. I've put her in limbo because as long as I'm not with someone else, she realizes there's a chance that I'll take her back.

 

The problem is, I don't want to.

 

I've been alone for almost three months now, and I feel better than I've felt in years. I feel like I've finally got enough room to figure out what's wrong with me. Enough space to let fifteen years of building anger bleed out of me. Enough uninterrupted quiet that I can think clearly.

 

The main problem was I married my second wife only a year after my first divorce was finalized. Within that span of a year, I met her online, traveled to visit her twice (she lived in a different country), and then moved up to be with her. We were talking about marriage a month after i moved in.

 

This was the first place we both failed. Me especially. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready... But she filled an empty hole inside of me left by four years of marital neglect... and she was the complete opposite of my ex. Absolutely complete opposite. So I embraced that. She messed up too. Some times pretty severely. Things weren't perfect, but they were perfect enough at the time. The positives outweighed the negatives.

 

We married four years ago. I won't get into what went wrong. We both had our vices. In the end, we simply grew apart until I felt like a roommate that wasn't very well liked. When I broached the topic, she didn't flinch away from words like separation. Until I booked a 1 way ticket, anyway. Then suddenly she switched into survival mode and has been doing everything to get me to take her back.

 

I'm back home now, and I have no intention of leaving my home again for anyone. She made it clear to me all through our marriage that she wanted nothing to do with where I was from. Going so far as to suggest that people from rural areas were simple minded. But now, suddenly, she's willing to throw away every bad thing she said, her career, her lifestyle, even her home country, to be with me again.

 

All I have for her are pity and guilt. I wasn't happy, married to her. And I know happiness comes from within... I understand that, but so does the strength required to better your circumstances when the time calls for it.

 

Looking back at our marriage, I only see a handful of times she was ever there for me. And I think of those times and I honestly want to just start crying because I needed that all along... I need it now... but for the last year, she just didn't care. and the dark, burnt-by-love side of me tells me she won't care again in the future just as soon as she gets her way. Only this time she'll be able to blame me for losing her job and having to move to a different country.

 

She knows all this. She's said it herself. She has nothing to offer me and yet she wants to stay married because she's selfish. Those are her words, not mine. how the hell do you respond to that? I certainly can't be upset at her for being selfish when I left her.

 

I think I'm getting closer to forgiving her, but I've got a long way to go, and it's like every time we communicate, it sets my progress back weeks. She makes me so mad. What I've come up with is it's not just anger I feel, all that pent up emotion just manifests itself as anger because that's a language I understand. It's much easier to feel rage than it is to feel ... i dunno. i'm still working on that.

 

I'm still wearing my ring, but love stories make me ill. seeing people in love makes me feel like an outsider. a bum tapping on the glass of a restaurant window. I sincerely feel broken. something in me broke this last time. And fixing it only means it's going to break again some day. so instead, I'll walk along with jagged glass in my hands instead of a working lantern like everybody else carries around.

 

I'm sorry if I make anybody upset. If nothing else, maybe I can offer some insight for anyone who wants to know what your 'leaver' spouse might be feeling. I'll just reiterate, I don't sympathize with cheaters. I am not a cheater. I cannot offer any insight into what drives a cheater, outside of what my common sense tells me.

[spriggig]

Here's the crappiest part of this whole post, don't leave her hanging if there is no chance you'll take her back:

My wife is just sitting there, waiting for me to change my mind. Doing everything she can to be a better person. To fix all the things that pushed me away. I've put her in limbo because as long as I'm not with someone else, she realizes there's a chance that I'll take her back.

 

You can hide whatever you want to hide:

We married four years ago. I won't get into what went wrong. We both had our vices.

 

The first part is as true as it gets, the second part is an excuse:

And I know happiness comes from within... I understand that, but so does the strength required to better your circumstances when the time calls for it.

 

I have a feeling this is a huge problem for you:

It's much easier to feel rage than it is to feel ... i dunno. i'm still working on that.

 

You can polish this turd until the cows come home, it still stinks. You ran home to hide with your tail between your legs when you hit a rough patch. You've revealed nothing here that can't be resolved with a little effort on both sides--sounds like she's really ready to try and your excuses fall flat with me.

 

Trust is difficult and love takes work. Unless you truly intend to be alone the rest of your life, you'll have to face these same problems again with the next girl. You're a big boy now, you can handle this. Stop running from your problems.

 

At the very least, for whatever you used to feel for her, cut her loose.

[solitary_man]

We married under certain shared expectations. One of which was we both wanted children. Being 30-something, the biological clock factor had a lot to do with why I decided to quit college, leave my home, and be with her. Especially when she told me "you are my last chance to have children."

 

Two years in (only after 4 months of trying) she was tired of trying. Three years in, sex went from occasional to infrequent. Four years in, her life goals had shifted enough to not allow for children.

 

Another expectation... while we were courting, she came to share my beliefs in God. A year into our marriage, she told me she was no longer certain of her beliefs and began reading books on Buddhism. Before we married she was open to moving back to the States with me. That, too, changed. She was open to leaving the city we lived in because we both hated it. That, too, changed. She talked me into spending my life savings to pay for her student loans (two BA's and a MA), which I consented to. Then later she made it clear that she would never support me to go back to college.

 

On our wedding night, she decided to give up meat and went vegetarian. As a result, she stopped cooking for me or even touching my "meaty" dishes, while I was still cooking for her and washing hers. Three years in, she began training to run marathons, and dedicated all of her spare time to that. Made Boston her passion. She became obsessed with it, spending at least 3 hours a day at the gym, running hundreds of kilometers every month. I supported it at first. And for a while she invited me to join in at the gym, but several months later, my presence started to threaten her and she told me I needed to arrange it with her when I wanted to spend time with her at the gym, or anywhere else. So she could mentally prepare herself for the disruption I caused her. Even planning a date required 24 hours notice so she could figure out how it could fit around her run. If she wasn't at work, or running at the gym, she was posting on her running message board, logging her runs, and blogging about running. She started taking her meals in the computer room. Even the meals I prepared for us. She stopped taking calls from her mom. She stopped taking calls from me. At one point she ran a race with another man she had been speaking with online. He had shared with her about his marital problems and she had shared with him about ours. She also posted about our difficulties on the running message board she frequents. It was very private stuff that really made me look like a douche in front of all these people that knew her (some personally) and did not know me.

 

Let me provide a bit of perspective for a moment... she met her first husband online while she was still seeing her SO of four (or so?) years. She left that SO to be with her ex husband after meeting him online. Additionally, she met me online and our LD relationship developed that way. So I had made it plain to her from the beginning that we would not develop online relationships, going forward. We would stay off message boards. We would not have alt-sex friends that were not mutual. This was heartily agreed upon when we entered marriage.

 

From day one, she was jealous and insecure. There were times she'd refuse to talk to me for hours because she imagined seeing me chatting with a girl on the computer. All of our fights in the first year revolved around her accusing me of undressing women with my eyes. At one point she saw me rolling up the pant cuffs of my jeans and was suddenly convinced I'd met a new girl that liked me wearing my pants that way.

 

Believe it or not, I never gave her a reason to be jealous. I never chatted with girls. I never "looked" at women walking down the street. I never flirted. I never did anything but avoid women I felt were attractive. On the other hand, she had cheated on her SO's of the past. More than once. I never cheated on anyone. She was the second woman I married, and the second (and last) woman I ever knew intimately.

 

When I was going through immigration, my grandmother developed cancer. They gave her weeks to live. My parents offered to purchase a plane ticket for me to go home and see her one last time. This grandmother actually helped my mom raise me after she was left by my dad, so it wasn't exactly one of those relatives you know by name and see once a year at thanksgiving. This was my ma. My wife did not want me to go. There was a chance that by going home, immigration would not let me back into the country until our request for residency cleared. I let her talk me out of going home to visit. I got to tell my grandmother goodbye via webcam; she died a week later.

 

I spoke to my wife. I had to give her 24 hours notice to do so, but I spoke with her. I spoke with her on multiple occasions. I told her I wasn't happy. I told her the running was coming between us. I told her I wanted to go back home, to finish my school. Through all this, she kept a straight face. The only time it upset her was when she accused me of only going home because I want to have a relationship with one of my facebook acquaintances. Instead of discussing any of the points I was concerned about, she would just blame me for them or make excuses.

 

So I decided to leave. And then, a week before I flew out, she was once again, the woman I married. Passionate. Compassionate. Trusting. Caring. Loving. Elegant. Forgiving. Understanding. Sad. She begged me to stay.

 

 

What role did I play in this?

 

I never stood up for myself through all of that. I let it happen. I forgave her. I accepted her. I trusted her. And I did all that while she was completely unwilling to return any of those sentiments to me. I kept pushing it down and pushing it down until I couldn't anymore. Kept believing it would get better until the water had all boiled from the kettle.

 

I don't expect you to understand, but I was omitting details because when I go through it, the anger returns. And then the guilt returns. Look. You're welcome to beat me up if you want, but you're going to have to wait til I'm done with myself, first. I have a lot of things to figure out. I've opened myself up, now, more so than I wanted to. Because I don't want anyone to misunderstand I'm not writing any of this because I want sympathy, empathy, or anything else... I just want to understand myself and release what it is inside me before it comes out and hurts someone. myself.

 

My wife and I agreed that we would make no decisions for six months, so 'cutting her free' isn't something she wants or expects at this point. And I'm not entirely sure I can live with myself if I do. I take vows very seriously. And I believe in miracles. But it's going to take nothing short of a miracle for me to trust her again.

[2sure]

It sounds like she will be OK.

With everything that she has done to you and everything that you have given up for her - your job, your family, your education

Plus the fact that you have to make an appointment to speak with her, and cook all of her meals and such...

 

It sounds like you will be OK too. Now you can persue all of the things people like to persue instead of watching her.

[just_some_guy]

I've been out on my own for 4 months now too. In all that time, I've slept alone in my own bed (or my bed in a hotel room) every night.

 

I'm happier. I'm sleeping better. My weight is under control better than ever. I don't dread coming home from work. I see a therapist weekly and it has been helpful in many ways, working on me.

 

My ring is on my keychain. I don't wear it anymore. I am trying to get a divorce underway, but she will not accept the marriage is over and retain counsel.

 

I have not had an affair. I will say that there are women who have caught my eye, but I am not making moves on them. Too much baggage at this point in my life. I need to get myself settled and more centered.

 

At some point, I would very much like a healthy relationship with a mentally healthy woman. I miss companionship. I miss having a lover. I miss sex. I miss having a partner. I've been missing those things a lot longer than I've been out of the house.

 

I too, was not able to give voice to my truth. I tried, but was lost in denial or dismissed out of hand. A dynamic developed between us that triggered my retreat and silence when words were spoken that she didn't want to hear.

[hopesndreams]

Being left for someone else is horrible, but how much harder must it be for my wife to know I left simply because I couldn't handle being with her any more?

 

I'd give my eye teeth to not have been betrayed. It would have been much easier to be left when there wasn't another woman waiting in the wings, to so easily slip into my shoes and steal my life.

 

Your W will recover and most likely thrive once you have squelched all hope within her by filing for D. The longer you drag it out...the more she suffers. Some people get off on another's suffering. Prove to yourself and to her that you aren't one of those people.

[solitary_man]

Unless you truly intend to be alone the rest of your life, you'll have to face these same problems again with the next girl.

 

At this point I have no problems with the idea of being alone. It's already past the time I wanted to have kids, and I'm evidently no good at relationships. hence: solitary man.

 

Just_Some_Guy...

I think there are a lot of similarities between our situations. At the core of both situations lies a form of addiction. Food and running. Totally opposite ends of the spectrum, but it just goes to illustrate how dangerous addiction is to relationships.

 

The problems in my first marriage began because I was addicted to video games, and after a couple years of neglecting her, my first wife gave up. Now I understand how she was capable of doing that. Not that it was right for her to cheat, but I understand how and why she gave up on me now. It's made forgiveness a lot easier for me.

 

That said, I think there are some differences, too. My (current) wife has encouraged me to go on and live my life. She recognizes, now, how much of a monster she'd turned into and is working hard to be a better person. She realizes how selfish she is for wanting to keep me. She told me it's okay if I take my ring off and meet new people.

 

Half the time I want to invite her to come visit. The other half I want to just go file. She's still running. She recently talked about getting 26.2 tattooed on her leg. If I invite her, I fully understand I'm going to have to do it because I accept fully who she is, what she wants, and how she could, at any time, return to treating me like garbage down the road. Is my integrity worth that?

 

That's the question that keeps me up most nights.

 

I'm glad you're sleeping better though. I was at first, but now all these loose ends eat at me day and night.

[solitary_man]

Being left for someone else is horrible, but how much harder must it be for my wife to know I left simply because I couldn't handle being with her any more?

 

I'd give my eye teeth to not have been betrayed. It would have been much easier to be left when there wasn't another woman waiting in the wings, to so easily slip into my shoes and steal my life.

 

Your W will recover and most likely thrive once you have squelched all hope within her by filing for D. The longer you drag it out...the more she suffers. Some people get off on another's suffering. Prove to yourself and to her that you aren't one of those people.

 

Thank you for your insight hopes. My wife is a very strong person and I'm certain she'll be able to make it on her own if I file. There are two things keeping me from filing at this point. We agreed to not make any major changes for six months after leaving, and there's this tiny pebble of hope inside me that wants all these changes she's making to be legitimate.

 

Our last week together... where she shifted back to the old her... it was probably one of the most unfair things she could have done to me. Not that I didn't deserve it. And not to say it was something she did intentionally. But I was so sure of my decision up to that point.

 

Was it a miracle? or was it just her maneuvering to get what she wanted from me, yet again?

[hopesndreams]

I don't really understand why you married her in the first place.

 

You can't change who she is or expect her to change to suit you.

[just_some_guy]

My wife went out of town for a couple of days and asked me to watch the pets and house.

 

I came over alone and walked around the place. I really miss my home, even though every square inch of it is about her and not me. Her choice of furniture, art, colors, style. I got to pick the TV, had 1 small room for "my" stuff and about 1/8 of the walk in closet in our bedroom.

 

But I missed it. I was truly near tears.

 

Until I opened the pantry. Which is still stuffed with food. Absolutely stuffed with food. Then I opened the fridge and freezer and they are absolutely packed with so much you cannot even see the light come on. This is a gigantic side-by-side, largest made, bought at her insistence rather than a more reasonable size that would have fit perfectly in the counter-depth.

 

In spite of her starting on the road of a 12-step and therapy and possibly gastric bypass surgery, losing 50 pounds, the addiction is still there, raging away. Since she has been cutting back on food, she has turned to shopping. There is a big pile of boxes in the garage from the online and TV shopping channels. Tons of them.

 

My one room (which still has some of my stuff in it) is now filling with the runover from her shopping now.

 

Sigh.

 

I can not live live that way. Will not and can not.

 

The difference in our homes is so, so striking. I have a lot less space, but there's more openness. My fridge is stocked with fresh food, plenty for a single person, but is no where near capacity. Same with pantry. Same with the clothes closets. Same with the garage. It isn't hoarding behavior, but something milder yet related I guess.

 

She hasn't worked in months, yet has a maid and still eats out a great deal of the time.

 

I work long hours and clean and cook for myself most of the time.

[solitary_man]

Plus the fact that you have to make an appointment to speak with her, and cook all of her meals and such...

 

 

just a quick clarification... I didn't cook all her meals, but I did cook for her sometimes. Being a vegetarian, she used that lifestyle choice to politely refuse to cook anything I liked to eat or wash any dishes that touched meat. In other words, if I wanted meat, i cooked it myself and cleaned up after myself. And to be perfectly clear, I was fine with that arrangement for the first three years.

[solitary_man]

You can't change who she is or expect her to change to suit you.

 

You're absolutely right. But it's fine for her to change on a month-to-month basis to suit her own needs. Sorry... i'm not venting at you, just venting.

 

Why did I marry her in the first place? She wanted it badly. Children. With me. I wanted to make her happy. Everyone happy. There were familial pressures, too, and spiritual ones. Living together in sin... that old chestnut.

 

She was a lot different back then. The jealousy element was there, but I was willing to accept that in light of the way she could apologize when she realized she was hurting me. I hadn't ever had that before. After a while, that went away, too. Like I said, the good outweighed the bad back then. It felt good to feel loved. Wanted. My first wife did a number on me before she left with the OM.

 

I was different too. I wrote her poetry back then. At some point I stopped doing that. Another of my failures.