movin on1980 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Sorry, its a long one, kindly read it and comment, I will appreciate it greatly. My boyfriend (now ex) of 6yrs recently asked for a break. He said he felt like a failure in his new business investment and in our relationship, as we have been arguing very often the past few months, plus the fact I hinted about marriage at the wrong time. He said he 'couldn't be the man I want' and 'it's the best for me'. I was heartbroken, because we are the best of friends, we always see each other through for the last 6 yrs, through the happy, sad or poorer days. We spoke about marriage before his new business venture, and almost brought a house. It was after 2 weeks later, I found out he has been going out with this beautiful singer at the nightclub which he started performing the last few months in late the night . He denied it initially, and said there is no other women, he just hopes to focus on his career and his messy family issues. I asked him if he love me, he says he does, but it is better if we stay as friends, as 'I am a blessing he do not deserve.' I was very upset. I thought if I changed into a better person, like controlling my temper, be more patient, and dress up more, he will see me in a different light. In fact he does, but he will just compliment on my dressing, say I look nice, but suggest that I meet other guys and try out. Upon this sentence, I should have guess, he is 'trying out' with this other girl...but I was too in love to realize. I asked him if we have the chance to get back together, he said 'he is not sure.' Both of us worked together in our day job. He owns this company, I quit my previous job to help him. It is a company we worked hard from scratch for 3 yrs. We manage to stay harmonious during work, and at times I will ask him out for dinner during his performance breaks, he will always show up. I spent his birthday alone with him as well. He will mention he miss the times he and our mutual friends hang out as a group. He also told our mutual friends he will take care of my finances, whatever I need, he will try to get for me. I know he still cares about me. Sadly, not as the person he sees romantically? Recently I saw some pictures of him and his new girlfriend, which confirms that he has been with her since we break up for....2 weeks. I suspected that he cheated. He 'hide' this girlfriend from our current pool of friends, pretending not to know her in front of us. I kind of confronted him, I asked him about his 'new girlfriend' again. He tried to shield away from the question...after I mentioned the name of the girl...finally he admitted. He said he feels 'less pressured' with this girl, and she won't try to 'change him',and he likes her, and want to try out. He felt upset over what happened with us, he said we might not even be friends in the future, he is not sure, but now he just want to be alone, with this girl. He quit his job at the nightclub and will go for a holiday with this girl to her hometown. I am heart broken. I told him I will 'always love him' and wish him all the best with this girl. He said 'Thank you'. =( Trying to move on now. It's just so much we share together, which I hold dearly. I do not know how he really feels, there is never a 'true' answer. The truth and hurtful fact is, he is with this girl, and not with me. Can someone share their point of view on this relationship? It's so scary how a man can just change.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Can someone share their point of view on this relationship? It's so scary how a man can just change. It is never an abrupt change. What you are seeing when the SO asks for a 'break' is the end of a process, not the beginning. It can take six months to a year or so for the SO to get to the point where they are emotionally distanced enough from you to ask for a 'break'. At that point, the emotional investment they had in you has been draining over a long period of time. You never get to see that part leading up to it though. They hide it very well until they are at the point where they are ready to let go. They hide it because most of them still wants to stay, but when it shifts to 'wanting to leave' that is when the arguments start. When the SO starts acting 'different'. When they are ready to let go, that is when you hear 'break'/'time'/'space'. It is never to figure out if they love you. It is to figure out why they don't anymore. What nearly always sparks this decline is an outside interest. A 'friend' at work who smiles sweetly at them. Who talks to them on a regular basis. Who flirts with them. Who listens as your SO talks about how 'the relationship just isn't working anymore' and 'how unhappy they are'. Then as the interest in this outside person is rising, their emotional investment in you is falling. Rapidly. The greener that other grass looks, the more they find fault with you and the relationship. When they have a lock on the new person and it looks like there is a chance at dating them, they drop the 'space'/'time'/'break' thing on you to make sure that the new thing is a sure thing. When it is a sure thing, that 'break' becomes a breakup. Oh, they give a variety of excuses: too busy with work, wanting to 'find themselves', needing to explore life on their own, feeling like a failure at work, blah, blah, blah, blah... it is much more mundane than that. They fell out of love and don't want to hurt you by admitting it. They especially don't want to admit laying the groundwork with someone new while they were still with you. And cheating? Forget it. They nearly never admit that. Even when there is a "new SO" within seconds of breaking up with you. What to do? You just have to walk away and find time to let your head and heart heal. The best way to do that is to stop all contact with your source of pain.
Author movin on1980 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Thank you for your comments. But it's just very sad to listen to. Do you think we have a chance to come back together? He is still keeping this new relationship low, although it is mostly for his own reputation. I still love him a lot, and he still cares for me to some extent.
EYECANDY000 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Im sorry to hear that you are heart broken. I do am going through a break with my bf. And i know how difficult it is. I just want to say stay stong, and take care of yourself.
Author movin on1980 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I am praying everyday, that one day, after sometime, he will come back. He said it's hard to become the person he used to...as when performing in the nightclub, he started smoking and become much more distant. After we breakup, his character seem to change, he became irresponsible and not turning up for work, he seem lack of motivation for the company that we worked for, now he is planning on leaving this place altogether. I know one day he will be the same again, if not better, I am praying for him, and for us.
stillafool Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 He said he 'couldn't be the man I want' and 'it's the best for me'. I asked him if he love me, he says he does, but it is better if we stay as friends, as 'I am a blessing he do not deserve.' I was very upset. I asked him if we have the chance to get back together, he said 'he is not sure.' He felt upset over what happened with us, he said we might not even be friends in the future, he is not sure, but now he just want to be alone, with this girl. He quit his job at the nightclub and will go for a holiday with this girl to her hometown. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you think we have a chance to come back together? From the statements he has made so far I would say no. I think you are right that he still cares about you and your welfare, but I don't think he is romantically involved with you anymore. I think he was right when he said you deserve a better man. I know this is hard for you but it is best not to see him or talk to him again and certainly not try to remain friends because you have to give yourself time to heal. You can't heal knowing what he and his new gf are doing. He is still keeping this new relationship low, although it is mostly for his own reputation. I still love him a lot, and he still cares for me to some extent. Why is he worried about his reputation? You guys weren't married were you?
hopesndreams Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- From the statements he has made so far I would say no. I think you are right that he still cares about you and your welfare, but I don't think he is romantically involved with you anymore. I think he was right when he said you deserve a better man. I know this is hard for you but it is best not to see him or talk to him again and certainly not try to remain friends because you have to give yourself time to heal. You can't heal knowing what he and his new gf are doing. Why is he worried about his reputation? You guys weren't married were you? Great advice for you to follow. It's the only way out of the deep, dark hole you find yourself in. I do have a problem with what is bolded though. They were with each other for 6 years. OP, were you living with him?
Author movin on1980 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 No, we are not. But everyone knows we are a couple, and looks like will get married eventually. I think it is because we are Asians, our thinking are more conservative. He has a big ego, and pride too. He has always try to uphold his image, I think he felt what he was doing is not right (like..he cheated on me), and if he admits this relationship, people around him will start to see him in a different light, as we share a lot of mutual friends together. He might lose all respect in one go. He is getting very emotional during the period before breaking up. He will share his ambitions, and start crying. He said he this is a lonely journey, and he has to face it alone. The day before, we met to have a closure, he said he missed our company, hanging out with our families but he can never be the same man. He do not even go home anymore. I know he cares about me, is mostly because, I am the single most person that help him the most in his career and life. He feels...he owe it to me. I am sure after 6 years, there is some unspoken bonds between us, which is not good enough for him to give us another chance for now. I will cut off all contact. As hard as it seems, I have to.
hopesndreams Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 He is getting very emotional during the period before breaking up. He will share his ambitions, and start crying. He said he this is a lonely journey, and he has to face it alone. The day before, we met to have a closure, he said he missed our company, hanging out with our families but he can never be the same man. He do not even go home anymore. A lonely journey for him eh? Aaaaaaaaah...that's too bad. He sounds like he is out for himself only. Another selfish ahole. Do not give him anymore of your time and do not help him through his pain. It's over. Be thankful you didn't marry him and have kids with him.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Rule of thumb? The longer you invest in a non-binding relationship, the more betrayed and devastated you'll feel when it goes south. Every one of us is susceptible to the flame of new love--it's a re-ignition of passions that have often gone to sleep through hum drum routine. And it's not necessarily anyone's "fault"--it's just nature. Humans have set up a veneer of civilization to address this called marriage. I'm afraid 6 years is too long to keep yourself vulnerable to abandonment. Marriage doesn't stop that 7 or 6 year "itch" for some people as we see daily in the threads of this forum. But it causes people early on to shi+ or get off the pot. And had perhaps only a year or two gone by it's probable that you'd feel less robbed of your investment in this relationship. Just sayin' FWIW.
stillafool Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 A lonely journey for him eh? Aaaaaaaaah...that's too bad. He sounds like he is out for himself only. Another selfish ahole. Do not give him anymore of your time and do not help him through his pain. It's over. Be thankful you didn't marry him and have kids with him. Exactly! Poor him! Isn't he the one walking off into the sunset with someone else? Don't feel sorry for him.
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