Uglyjealousy Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Okay...please don't bash, I am really trying hard to get over this and that is why I am here asking for advice....I really do have a jealousy problem. In fact, this is the first time I've ever been this jealousy and angry in a relationship. I can't get over the fact that my boyfriend let his ex stay with him for almost an entire month and she was in denial of their breakup when she first came back from the military and he had to let her know again that they were over but he wouldn't kick her out of his place. I've been feeling so hateful that everything that reminds me of her, anyone who resembles her, and everything that is associated with her makes me feel so full of rage I no longer enjoy certain things in my life right now. It ruins my entire day every time I think of her and how he let her stay with him. The bf said he was sorry for hurting me and that she had no place to go and used to be a homeless sex worker before the break up and that was why he didn't kick her out when she came back for a visit and that he was sorry he didn't tell me all of this before he let her stay with him. I wasn't even allowed to see him much during the time she stayed, just in case she blew up on him, is what he said. It's been 5 months now since she's left and I still feel so full of anger and extreme jealousy since the incident. I can't even stand it whenever someone says her name!! I do love my bf dearly...but I can feel this jealousy eating me up...I even got so angry I looked at his social networking sites which I knew would only bring me more pain and saw her there, with the title under her name, always loved!!! What pains me even more is that he tells me his entire family loves her and I just feel like, it is a competition. Am I supposed to feel happy knowing that they all love her? I don't want to be compared to her at all... I just want to get over this and continue loving him and being in love with him knowing that she will not be in my life at all....and honestly, I would love it if she wasn't in his life but that can't be helped...I just wish he wouldn't love her so much....
stace79 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 First, I totally understand. When my bf and I first started dating, he wasn't over his ex yet. Before we were exclusive he let her come spend a few days with him, too. I found out after it happened and I was furious. I still haven't gotten over a lot of that. I am sad to say I still check out her FB page and wish bad things on her. Now, I'm not certain I Know enough to give you advice. She has moved out now, right? Does he still have contact with her at all? Are they still Facebook friends and such? If so, I'd say that needs to cease. I would tell him that to remain in the relationship, he must cut all ties to her. Just from personal experience, if in a position to date again, I'd never get attached to a man who was still in frequent communication with an ex.
Author Uglyjealousy Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 The problem is, he refuses to cut all contact with her, saying that they have a lot of history together despite him complaining she would hurt him so much. On top of that, he hates being with people telling him who he can and cannot hang out with. I can understand that but....it's getting to the point where I can't stand it anymore!! She has moved out but he remains in contact with her, unfortunately...
stace79 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Yup, I was there. Basically it comes down to this: you will continue to be unfulfilled in this relationship as long as he is in touch with her. I thought I could get over my bf being in touch with his ex, but not only could I not get over it, we continue to fight about it almost every time he talked to her. It took me almost two years, but I finally realized I would never be happy dating him if he was having any contact with her. I broke up with him. I didn't get angry. I didn't tell him he was wrong or an idiot. I just stated matter-of-factly: "I know that I can never be happy with you if you are in communication with your ex, so I have to end this." Within a month he was doing everything he could to get me back, including e-mailing his ex and copying me that he loved me dearly and didn't want to be friends anymore. He has lived up to that, too. Except for a phone call or e-mail a couple times while we were broken up (our R has still been rocky, haha), he has kept his promise to not have any contact with her as long as we are in a relationship. Your bf may not react the same way. And he is perfectly within his rights to befriend or talk with whoever he wants. But you also have the right to be happy. And if that means you cannot be happy with him, then you should learn to accept that. Trust me, it just is not worth the heartache. And, my bf used to say what you said -- that he didn't want to date someone telling him who he can/cannot be friends with. He has recanted and admitted that I wasn't trying to control his friends; I just had a legitimate concern with THAT particular friendship. Lastly, my bf admitted that he still wanted to talk to her because he was afraid of closing the door on their relationship once and for all. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is an awful feeling.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I don't think its jealousy really as much as justified concern. Your bf is disrespecting you big time. You need to find a bf that keeps X's where they belong....in the past. you think he'd like you having an x-bf stay with you in your place? a guy that you had been with before? You better believe not. Its obvious he could care less about your feelings, so dump the chump and find a man who knows what respecting a girlfriend is all about.
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