Mombot Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Saw my friend today- she asked me about the guy I've been seeing, told her it was fun but he was only separated, not D. Her advice to me, start shopping for something permanent and keep him for the meantime because I like him- think of him as the side dish, not the main relationship. Don't bother with investing more emotions into it. In other words, enjoy the ride, but know it can only go so far. Maybe it was her manner, but am thinking of scrapping the asking the BS thing and demoting him.
norajane Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Do you believe you can "demote" your emotions? Like, really not care about him? If so, then why stay with him at all? Why not just get out of it altogether? If you can't really demote your emotions, then you're not changing a thing, except now you'd be bringing unsuspecting new dates into your drama and stringing them along while you're still in love with MM. Not fair to your dates who are expecting you not to be seeing a man you're in love with!
Author Mombot Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 If I can see clearly that there is not a future and don't want to put myself in the OW frame of mind of "he'll leave her completely someday because it's so much better with me". Can I switch him to the friend with benefits department? I honestly don't know. I'm beginning to see that's what's really going on.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 My friend gave me similar advice. But only after MM and I are back in touch after several weeks NC. she's trying to get me to protect myself; it's not at all what she thinks I should do, in the cold light of day.
BB07 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Saw my friend today- she asked me about the guy I've been seeing, told her it was fun but he was only separated, not D. Her advice to me, start shopping for something permanent and keep him for the meantime because I like him- think of him as the side dish, not the main relationship. Don't bother with investing more emotions into it. In other words, enjoy the ride, but know it can only go so far. Maybe it was her manner, but am thinking of scrapping the asking the BS thing and demoting him. You are kidding yourself......stop acting like a child and own your real feelings. Either verify that he is telling you the truth or move on. You are fooling yourself in playing a game of thinking that you aren't in that deep and you can back out easily....you can try to BS others, but don't BS yourself.
pureinheart Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I know the emotions run deep, although I have noticed something very different about MB... She has very few words...if I were a betting person (and just want to throw out there, WF I can be in Vegas yesterday:D), I'd say she is in serious thought and mostlikely will demote him. I noticed she liked the posts that challenged the R...there's a reason for that...but hey I could be wrong...just what I noticed.
pureinheart Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 My friend gave me similar advice. But only after MM and I are back in touch after several weeks NC. she's trying to get me to protect myself; it's not at all what she thinks I should do, in the cold light of day. All I can say is it's very hard ...we are the ones that beat ourselves up the most. SG, you are very good people and having been in your shoes I know that you have to make sure he is ok...everyone around you says he doesn't deserve it...but you know what, none of us deserve anything. You are giving him a gift, and he will appreciate it and it will cause his life to be better. Every sitch is different...my suggestion would be to keep it totally platonic and no physical abuse or your gone for good... ((((((hugs SG)))))) you really got my thoughts and prayers....k....
jthorne Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 In other words, enjoy the ride, but know it can only go so far. Maybe it was her manner, but am thinking of scrapping the asking the BS thing and demoting him.In your thread about lying, you kind of implied that enjoying the ride was what you are doing right now. How's that worked out for you so far? I'd be more for demoting the asking the BS thing and scrapping the MM. What's wrong with telling the guy to look you up when he's divorced, and then date others in the meantime? Now that's really demoting the MM.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Mombot, Do what you need to do so that you can be happy. If it is easier for you to not completely cut him out of your life and explore other options, then do it. And if he's really separated, who cares? He's separated and to lots of people that means he's eligible to date. Sometimes I seriously don't get the extreme conservatism about the stamped divorce decree. If a separated person goes back to their spouse after a separation, then that's on him and not the person he was seeing. Sheesh! GEL
BB07 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Mombot, Do what you need to do so that you can be happy. If it is easier for you to not completely cut him out of your life and explore other options, then do it. And if he's really separated, who cares? He's separated and to lots of people that means he's eligible to date. Sometimes I seriously don't get the extreme conservatism about the stamped divorce decree. If a separated person goes back to their spouse after a separation, then that's on him and not the person he was seeing. Sheesh! GEL You are right.......separated or divorced is a kinda of a each to his own determination.........BUT Mombot has suspicions that he might not really be separated. He absolutely lied when he told her at first that he was divorced. This changes everything......that he lied, such a big huge lie.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Saw my friend today- she asked me about the guy I've been seeing, told her it was fun but he was only separated, not D. Her advice to me, start shopping for something permanent and keep him for the meantime because I like him- think of him as the side dish, not the main relationship. and what kind of decent man out there would just love to hook up with someone who thought this way? how about ditch him and start looking for someone else? Because no man worth his salt is going to want a woman that is sleeping with another woman's husband for convenience. That would be a huge red flag to any good man. Says alot about what to expect in the relationship.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 You are fooling yourself in playing a game of thinking that you aren't in that deep and you can back out easily....you can try to BS others, but don't BS yourself. i agree. she is playing this off as if she can leave anytime and she is independent and strong enough to do so. But with each post she writes, its obvious that isn't the case. Good call.
Author Mombot Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I have demoted him to second place, with me first. We'll see where this goes, and I'll keep my options open.
Heather1 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 My H was separated when I met him. I would say the most important thing is how he talks about his stbx. If he's slamming her & a victim, forget it. If it was truly just a miss-match, then the guy deserves a break.
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 He says very little about her at all. He describes his future without her in it.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think that is a good sign. I saw your post on your other thread. I think that sucks and it hurts. But most likely, it's because he doesn't want to be serious right now. He's separated. He might want to date other people and doesn't want to be serious because he's getting out of a M and that's SERIOUS. That's what I think your friend meant about separated guys. They want to play the field and not settle down. They settled down before, and it didn't work out. And depending on the reasons for the split, he may feel the need to validate himself as a male. ((HUGS)) Good luck! GEL
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Thank you- I'm making my list of small changes in our communication that would make me happier, but other than that, I'm just going to roll with this thing.
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I have never mentioned D to him- except when he said, I am separated not D.
Heather1 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 That's a good sign, it means he's not really thinking about her either. It's good character to keep that private. I had all odds against me, all friends saying "not a chance," etc. & I went for it. At one point I asked him if he would cut ties with her for just a few months to give me a chance. Everything I learned about her was from our friends (unsolicited). In my mind I had a due date....like it we're not engaged by this time then I'll just move on. That was after dating over a year & living together for a few months making it clear I wasn't his roommate. Maybe in your 20's people aren't attached to other people. By your late 20's & on, everyone has to deal w/ an x. Unless they've never been in a relationship....and that's REALLY not good!
Author Mombot Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Heather, you really pointed something out to me. I was focusing on, who is this BS and why did he wander away and stay away? I was conflicted, never thought I would be the OW and hadn't signed up for it. I have done significant snooping and asking- I know what's in whose name, etc. I really do care for him, so I have decided to enjoy the good times and if I can't handle it and bail, we'll end up friends. Is he my friend with benefits and will never be anything more? I don't know. Should I keep my eyes peeled for a more compatible match? I think yes, and go on with my life from there. Lots of gray area I am not used to. Maybe I will turn into an unapologetic other woman. If that doesn't work for me, then it will be a complete backround check before I go out even for coffee. He doesn't hide me from his friends.
Author Mombot Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 He rarely sees her- he saw her at their grandson's wedding for 2 days and then for a a few weeks, he's seen her that amount total since New Year's. Maybe he feels like it's done deal, I don't know. Says he absolutely will not go home for Christmas even to see his elderly mother. Maybe he's just blowing smoke.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 He says very little about her at all. He describes his future without her in it. well of course he does. thats one way to keep you coming back, by letting you think he doesn't want his marriage. its called being played by a lying MM.
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