SomewhereinBerlin Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Hi all. Looking for some insight here cause I am very confused. Well, I had been with my ex for almost 2 years. We lived together for a little over a year but I recently moved back to Berlin (5 hours from him) because I was miserable and depressed where I was living and it was causing us problems. He suggested I move back because I was so unhappy there and I agreed because I didn't think it was fair to make him feel responsible for my happiness. Since I moved back (2 months ago)we've seen each other once. The one time we did see each other it was weird for me. I guess I felt rejected by him for letting me go so easily and I also felt like he began to make less time for me too (for example he would limit our phone calls to only weekdays and reserve the weekends for hanging out with friends, so I was never able to reach him on the weekends). Basically I felt like he was pulling away and we weren't as close as we had been before (we had always had an intense relationship). I expressed this to him after his visit by saying that he felt like a stranger to me. Since then our relationship has been more of a mess. My ex is not one to talk about his feelings. Instead he lets it boil up inside him and can be very passive/aggressive. I started noticing this happening and I asked him if anything was wrong. Well I finally got it out of him that it was weird to him that I had said he felt like a stranger. I tried to explain to him that what I meant was that I felt we were drifting apart but things just got worse. As I began to get my own life again (going out and meeting people, going to German class, getting a job)he began to accuse me of sleeping around. At one point he flipped out on me because I missed his phone call one time, accusing me of being with another guy. I couldn't understand this because I was always telling him how much I loved him and missed him and he would never say those things to me. Finally he said the reason he didn't trust me was, again because of what I said - the stranger remark! I felt quite bad when I realized how much I hurt him. I wrote him a 4.5 page letter about where I thought our relationship went wrong. I took responsibility for my part in it and honestly did not mention anything I felt that he did wrong because I wanted it to be a different kind of letter - not just the typical blame game / you did this and this to hurt me (because he's said a lot of things that have hurt me). I read it to him and in the last paragraph I said that because he was so unhappy with me and I believed he deserved to be happy that we should break up. He told me that he didn't want to break up. He didn't want to give up on us just like that. I was ready to give it another try then even though he had been saying some really hurtful things to me over the last month and never apologizing for them. That was a week ago on Sunday. The whole week went by fine. We talked every day, no conflict. I sent him text messages when I couldn't talk to him to let him know I was thinking of him (something he never replies to or initiates himself) and then on Friday, he was in a very stressed out and pissed off mood because of work when he called me. I have no problem letting him vent. I do it often enough. But then he started being rude to me, and for no reason! He does this quite often. This time I stood up for myself and we ended up in a fight. We didn't speak the whole weekend and I had made up my mind to end it because it didn't seem to matter how nice or sweet I was to him, he would always say hurtful things to me. He has caused me so much stress lately that I literally feel sick from it. Then he called me yesterday and basically I told him it was over. He hung up on me (as he often does too - in fact he stonewalls me all the time) but I didn't call him back as I often do, to work things out. To be honest, I felt too burnt out by all the drama and just didn't want to deal with it. Then he calls me today on his lunch break as if nothing ever happened! I started wondering if maybe he was insane or in denial or just hadn't taken me seriously. But no, he called me this evening and I could tell right away that something was weird. We had another long relationship talk and he told me that he loves me much less since that stranger comment (which is why he doesn't ever feel the need to apologize for the hurtful things he says to me) and he doesn't want to forgive me and doesn't believe me when I say that I didn't mean it in the way he thinks. To quote him he said " I hear what I want to hear". I told him I thought that was pretty sad that he would throw our relationship away because he was unwilling to trust me and forgive me (even though I forgave him for something really messed up he did to me a couple years ago) but that I understood that I couldn't change his mind or make him love me again or forgive me. Then he suggested that we see each other and talk about it, which was totally unexpected. I don't understand. If he's so hurt why does he want me in his life still? And I have to ask myself why I am clinging to this relationship with this person who never takes responsibility for his part in the relationship and refuses to forgive and/or trust me (when I have never ever given him a reason not to). It feels in some ways like a power struggle. As soon as I decide I want to break up, he tells me he doesn't love me and then I want to change that. Ugh. How f*!ked up is that? I feel like I am being manipulated and emotionally abused but I don't know. I guess a part of me wants to believe that he's super hurt and he just doesn't know how to convey his feelings. This doesn't excuse the hateful things he's said to me though or the fact that he feels he has a right to say it because of what I said. I always thought that if you loved a person you could forgive them or at least want to. I am so freakin' confused right now!
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